Skills and Qualifications

[London]

As part of applying for a job, I am doing my cover letter and tarting up my CV. As I talk all about my skills and qualifications that would make me an ideal candidate for this position, I realize I haven't actually used any of these skills in 9 months. I now have a whole new set of skills and qualifications. Even though they have no place on a professional CV, they are way more difficult to obtain and insanely impressive, if you work in the field (parenting).

For example,

- Can artfully clean a #2 bum using only 1 wipe
- Knows all the words to every song on the Fisher Price farm walker
- Experience in cutting watermelon into pieces small enough to avoid choking but large enough for an 8 month old to pincer-grip
- Expert knowledge in rice rusk management 
- Well-versed in the works of E. Carle, including but not limited to The Very Hungry Caterpillar and Brown Bear
- Can function well under stressful (read: sleep deprived) conditions with little notice

What skills are on your parenting CV?

[soyloca]

-Bilingual in English/Spanish (in colors, thanks to that fucking octopus)

-Highly reactive (in protecting cats' food & water)

-Proficient in Amazon.com purchases

[estakis]

-advanced experience in taming wild and crazy baby hair while said baby wiggles and squirms
-skilled at using creativity to adapt various items into temporary play toys, such as empty bottles and trash items, car keys
-cat-like reflex skills to catch falling babies, catch items baby tries to throw on the floor, and prevent would-be disasters
-Experience with various areas of multitasking, such as one handed typing on cell phone, entertaining baby while also using the restroom, preparing a meal while singing and washing bottles.
-adept at maneuvering quietly while baby is sleeping to prevent unwanted wake-ups

[estakis]

May 31, 2016 20:00:50 GMT -5 London said:

Can artfully clean a #2 bum using only 1 wipe

Teach me your ways!

[eliza040502]

- mastered the art of transferring a sleeping baby to the crib and sneaking out of the room while avoiding all the creaks in the floor;

- able to cheer up the fussy monster with only animal noises and funny faces;

- proficient in carrying a 20 pound maniac upstairs without getting poop or puke (or poop and puke) on me;

- Amazon.com master.

[cocopuff]

I am now certified as a:

- hostage negotiator (if by hostage you mean me and by negotiating you mean attempting to put a toddler to bed without yelling)
- detective (solving the "what did we eat" question via visual dissection of poop)
- sniper (clipping baby nails without drawing blood)
- tri-lingual (English, Spanish ala activity table songs, baby cries)
- product reviewer (swaddles, bottles, pacifiers, teething remedies)

[kbeazly]

Not entirely on point but every year we have a review, prior to which they send out an email with questions on job performance. One of which is "what have you done to develop your business and profile in the last year?" I am ever so tempted to answer: "built a human, birthed a human, kept a human alive; and came back to work after it all to continue my career"

[charliefox]

After almost 9 months of parenting I'm basically qualified to be a ninja.

Stealthy, i.e. being able to pick up a sleeping baby, feed them a bottle, change them into pjs and sleep sack (that dad forgot) and place them back in their crib all without waking them. 

Hand-to-hand combat, also known as trying to change the diaper of an 8 month old. 

Spiritual refinement: I have a new deeper knowledge of myself...I mean I used a mirror during labor. I've also seen god many times at 3 in the morning.

Fast-draw skills: adept at catching falling objects (babies, toys, food, pacifiers), also comes in handy during the hand-to-hand combat mentioned above.

Self-control: sure I want to sleep when the baby sleeps but I know there are other things that must get done even if I'd rather not do them, like laundry.

Disguise & impersonation: I can easily impersonate all farm and zoo animals, and can also cleverly disguise myself as a woman who got 8 hours of sleep last night and has it all together.

[southernpeach89]

-Full set of ninja skills and only increasing from there
-knowlegable in nursery rhyme singing and reading
-speed bum, hand and face wiper
-Multi tasker when it comes to feeding the baby, keeping her from getting distracted by begging puppy by making animal noises, and also feeding myself
-Professional peek-a-boo and pat-a-cake player

[mrsb1008]

Mastered the art of one handed eating while feeding a baby or holding baby far enough away from destroying the table

Fashion designer- able to dress myself in breastfeeding friendly clothing

Poop detector

Professional wrestler- able to wrangle a wiggly baby in any circumstance

Comedian/singer - able to sing all raffi songs and make up new lyrics. And able to make funny voices to get similes.

[jessiespano]

I'm a master of multitasking.

I can nurse my baby and do basically anything else at the same time.

I can keep the baby from falling from surfaces he should not yet be able to get to, but does anyways, while entertaining the toddler.

I'm a good chef- I can hide veggies in anything.

Plus what everyone said before me lol.