Post by sophiegrace on Jun 22, 2016 20:12:26 GMT -5
Thank you ladies, I am so overwhelmed with emotion right now. Between that and the outpouring of support we are loved and thought about more than I realized. H and I need to stop being hermits so frequently and enjoy these wonderful friends. And no more feeling guilty during this pregnancy. I'm done with that. I can feel sad about my loss, but it's time to enjoy all that I have and this precious little girl. It's time.
Thank you ladies, I am so overwhelmed with emotion right now. Between that and the outpouring of support we are loved and thought about more than I realized. H and I need to stop being hermits so frequently and enjoy these wonderful friends. And no more feeling guilty during this pregnancy. I'm done with that. I can feel sad about my loss, but it's time to enjoy all that I have and this precious little girl. It's time.
I believe so much that was your baby sophiegrace that I'm going to share this here. And we all don't have to agree.
*all the triggers*
Something I have never shared here because of my extreme humiliation and shame and embarrassment and regret etc etc - many many years ago I terminated an early pregnancy. While I know it was the best choice that a young me could've made, I never forgave myself and I don't know if I'll ever get over it entirely. I miss my baby so much. When H and I later married and began suffering with IF, I blamed myself even more - the heaviest cross to bear. For four years I tortured myself, day in and day out I told myself that I deserved IF because of what I'd done. Eventually we had success after 3yrs 10mo - but I just felt this heaviness, it didn't feel fair or deserving for me to be given this other baby when my first was no longer here; and sadly that ended in a CP. I told myself I deserved this pain too.
During our successful cycle (CD1 began on our 4 yr wedding anniversary, we'd been trying that whole time) I had spent time every day meditating. I spent hours looking myself in the mirror and trying to convince myself to forgive me, that my baby forgave me, that my husband forgave me, and that I deserved to be a mom. I cried and cried and sat in silence and prayed and learned to love myself somehow again. I agreed to give up all my sadness and all my grief and all my guilt, and I made a promise to myself that I'd let the universe tell me what I deserved. I wrote a letter to myself the night before our IUI, I was done if it didn't work. It would be our last cycle trying, I just could not do it anymore. I still have the letter.
Two weeks later we got the news I thought I'd never hear again, that we were pregnant. I struggled with believing that I deserved this..
At 6 weeks we had our first ultrasound. At that appointment we found out it was twins. As we were pulling out of the REs parking lot after that appt I couldn't believe what I was seeing, I started to become hysterical crying.....
And as I'm just staring and crying, a butterfly flutters across the windshield. I've always believed my dad visited me as a butterfly. I, too, felt as though this was my babies coming for comfort. I can never fill the void I feel for the two that aren't with me here, and I cry about both still. But now I believe that they are here with me every day.
Post by tallblonde on Jun 22, 2016 22:05:12 GMT -5
kleigh all the hugs. Absolutely no judgement from me, young me would have done the same. I'm so glad you came to peace with yourself - and what a sign! You weren't ready then to be a mom, but you are going to be a great one to these babes.
Thank you guys for letting me share that here without judgement, I keep thinking I should delete but your responses are reassuring. It's so hard to accept that is a part of my past. New me can never go back and let old me know that I could have done it (even at 16) that I was strong enough to find a way... I wish I could. My younger sister also ended up pregnant and with a baby at 16 (she's a yearish younger). - clearly sex education/responsibility in our growing up household was not existent.
She did keep the baby. It has been the biggest struggle I've ever seen someone face, but to see him now at 18, it is astounding to see the job she's done. They are poor as dirt but their love for each other is way more valuable.
But seeing that double rainbow I just knew these two babies inside me were given to me with purpose.
Post by sophiegrace on Jun 23, 2016 7:44:58 GMT -5
Now that I've stopped crying enough that I can see the screen I just want to echo PPs and let you know how amazing you are kleigh. Thank you to the ends of the world for sharing that with us. I'm struggling with all my words right now because I'm feeling all the feels for you. These babies are so lucky to have you as their momma.
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