Reintro.... Dreading EDD in a few days
Feb 10, 2015 12:17:26 GMT -5
Post by spring78 on Feb 10, 2015 12:17:26 GMT -5
Hi ladies. First of all, I want to say that I am sorry that any of us have to be here. I was a part of the Pregnancy Loss board back on the other site but had already pretty much transitioned back to the IVF board as my primary home when the Big Move happened, so I never really introed here. But I think it is time to reintro, as what I need to talk about is not really appropriate for the IVF board.
You can see the details in my siggy, but the gist is that after years of trying and years of infertility treatment, DH and I finally got our BFP after IVF#1 FET#1 last May. We saw the heartbeat at about 6and a half weeks and couldn't have been happier. I was sick for weeks, pretty much nauseous from morning to night, but I didn't mind. It meant everything was probably proceeding as it should. I could never quite shake the feeling ha something wasn't right, though. My sister, an OBGYN, assured me I was being silly, just overly concerned due to our IF struggles. But, sure enough, at my first OB appointment after being released by the RE, they couldn't find a heartbeat. At days shy of 12 weeks, we found out it was over. I had a D&C two days later. Everybody was great, from my family to my nurses to my doctor. I even got to see the priest who married us as he randomly walked through the waiting room on his way to see another patient while I was waiting to go back for the procedure. He was so kind and comforting. All-in-all, I couldn't have asked for a better D&C experience, all things considered. Testing on the fetal tissue revealed trisomy 21, giving us a reason for the miscarriage and some degree of closure.
As soon as possible, we threw ourselves back in to treatments. We had another FET about 3 months later that was unsuccessful. Then we immediately started planning IVF#2, which concluded as a freeze all PGS cycle in January. We are now waiting for an FET in March of 2 chromosomally normal embryos. So everything is moving forward...
But this weekend, Valentines Day, in fact, is our EDD with the little girl we lost. So as everyone looks forward to chocolate hearts and flowers, I am dreading February 14. I feel like I am "supposed to be" over it. It was 6 months ago, we got closure with an explanation of why it happened, and we have moved on treatment-wise. My husband doesn't want to dwell on the past and my mom is always telling me how proud she is and how impressed she as been at how strong I have been through all of this. Everyone expects me to hold it together, and I do. I hold it together. But you know what? As Saturday approaches, I don't want to hold it together. I don't want to be strong. Everyone else has moved on and, by all outward appearances, so have I. But my heart aches. I miss my baby. I should have a baby, not be waiting for another embryo transfer to maybe, just maybe get pregnant again.
I tend to be a reasonably practical person. I don't tend to dwell on the "this isn't fair" or "why me?" kind of stuff. My life is what it is and I need to deal with what is on front of me and push ever forward. But right now, I feel like I want to wallow in the unfairness of it all. Just this once.
You can see the details in my siggy, but the gist is that after years of trying and years of infertility treatment, DH and I finally got our BFP after IVF#1 FET#1 last May. We saw the heartbeat at about 6and a half weeks and couldn't have been happier. I was sick for weeks, pretty much nauseous from morning to night, but I didn't mind. It meant everything was probably proceeding as it should. I could never quite shake the feeling ha something wasn't right, though. My sister, an OBGYN, assured me I was being silly, just overly concerned due to our IF struggles. But, sure enough, at my first OB appointment after being released by the RE, they couldn't find a heartbeat. At days shy of 12 weeks, we found out it was over. I had a D&C two days later. Everybody was great, from my family to my nurses to my doctor. I even got to see the priest who married us as he randomly walked through the waiting room on his way to see another patient while I was waiting to go back for the procedure. He was so kind and comforting. All-in-all, I couldn't have asked for a better D&C experience, all things considered. Testing on the fetal tissue revealed trisomy 21, giving us a reason for the miscarriage and some degree of closure.
As soon as possible, we threw ourselves back in to treatments. We had another FET about 3 months later that was unsuccessful. Then we immediately started planning IVF#2, which concluded as a freeze all PGS cycle in January. We are now waiting for an FET in March of 2 chromosomally normal embryos. So everything is moving forward...
But this weekend, Valentines Day, in fact, is our EDD with the little girl we lost. So as everyone looks forward to chocolate hearts and flowers, I am dreading February 14. I feel like I am "supposed to be" over it. It was 6 months ago, we got closure with an explanation of why it happened, and we have moved on treatment-wise. My husband doesn't want to dwell on the past and my mom is always telling me how proud she is and how impressed she as been at how strong I have been through all of this. Everyone expects me to hold it together, and I do. I hold it together. But you know what? As Saturday approaches, I don't want to hold it together. I don't want to be strong. Everyone else has moved on and, by all outward appearances, so have I. But my heart aches. I miss my baby. I should have a baby, not be waiting for another embryo transfer to maybe, just maybe get pregnant again.
I tend to be a reasonably practical person. I don't tend to dwell on the "this isn't fair" or "why me?" kind of stuff. My life is what it is and I need to deal with what is on front of me and push ever forward. But right now, I feel like I want to wallow in the unfairness of it all. Just this once.
