**FTMs (first-time moms), where are you?**

[nomnom]

There was mention on another thread about how few FTMs seem to be on our board. Ya'll must be lurking somewhere. Who are you and what can we do to help? Maybe a check-in for FTMs to air your unique concerns and experiences?


I'll tag people as I run across names.

notagoddess
staz
@wineandcupcakes
crazycatlady6
loves2shop4shoes
dancerspose
Evelyn3

[notagoddess]

Hi! We were trying to conceive for almost two years before I got pregnant with this baby. But I still feel like I have no idea what I'm in for

[nomnom]

Sept 1, 2016 12:28:14 GMT -5 notagoddess said:

Hi! We were trying to conceive for almost two years before I got pregnant with this baby. But I still feel like I have no idea what I'm in for

Hi! Glad to see you here. Are you on PAIF?

[notagoddess]

Sept 1, 2016 12:34:16 GMT -5 nomnom said:

Sept 1, 2016 12:28:14 GMT -5 notagoddess said:

Hi! We were trying to conceive for almost two years before I got pregnant with this baby. But I still feel like I have no idea what I'm in for

Hi! Glad to see you here. Are you on PAIF?

No. GKU was my home board before coming over here.

[nomnom]

Sept 1, 2016 12:35:40 GMT -5 notagoddess said:

Sept 1, 2016 12:34:16 GMT -5 nomnom said:

Hi! Glad to see you here. Are you on PAIF?

No. GKU was my home board before coming over here.

Oh, good. Do you know of anyone you can try to poach from there? I'm going to visit PAIF and see if anyone wants to join us.

[notagoddess]

Sept 1, 2016 12:36:49 GMT -5 nomnom said:

Sept 1, 2016 12:35:40 GMT -5 notagoddess said:

No. GKU was my home board before coming over here.

Oh, good. Do you know of anyone you can try to poach from there? I'm going to visit PAIF and see if anyone wants to join us.

All the ones that made it are here. But I support the effort!

[crazycatlady6]

Hi there - FTM here, haven't been posting much since I've been dealing with a lot of morning sickness and work. I think that a thread for FTM's would be a good idea.

[loves2shop4shoes]

I'm a FTM.

Some of my biggest challenges during this pregnancy are mostly social.

I've got some pretty major work stressors, and truth be told, I'm wondering if I'm dealing with some depression. It's nearly impossible for me to focus some days.

The biggest challenge is being pregnant without a mom. (We've been estranged for 2+ years and I'm estranged from my entire maternal side of the family including my brother.) Even though I know I'm better off without them, it's still really hard. For me, at least, there's so much changing with my body and it'd be so nice to have a mom to call and tell all about it... but I just don't. And while close friends, in laws, and my stepmother are all happy for me, it actually seems burdensome to call people on the daily and be like, "I've got hella ear wax. Is that a thing?" or "My belly hair rivals my 6'2'' burly husband's!"

So, it's a living loss, and it's really hard. For me, this board has just been helpful with understanding what's "normal" and talking to other expectant moms in the same stage of pregnancy.

Regarding the previous thread's discussion of feeling like an outsider as a FTM... I sort of understand that. I more feel like an outsider because I conceived really quickly and did not experience fertility problems. When I first announced on GKU, admittedly, I hadn't been posting regularly for some weeks as I had gotten busy at work, but the response I got was pretty... mean.

I almost felt like I didn't have the right to support or other people's happiness for me because I got pregnant quickly. I haven't experienced that on F17 at all, but it's something I'm super cognizant of on TCF in general...

The end. That's a lot of feelings for one post. (Sorry guys. I do feelings a lot.)

[shawnabm1320]

loves2shop4shoes, I'm sorry you have to go through pregnancy without your moms support. Im not close with my mom, although we aren't completely estranged, and it was definitely really hard for me to go through all of it and become a mother without being able to rely on her for her support. I'd even question if I would be a good mother because she was such an awful one. Is there anyone you can talk to IRL who is sort of in a mothers position to you? For instance I'm very close with my grandma and an older friend from where I worked, and they were both happy to chat with me about all my concerns. Or a friend who has been pregnant before that you can text about your earwax? I was on TCF for my first pregnancy, and it was amazingly helpful, but it's also nice to have friends who know you IRL to chat with.

Hugs to you. My relationship with my mom is a pretty constant source of anxiety, so I can't imagine what you're feeling.

[loves2shop4shoes]

Sept 1, 2016 14:15:18 GMT -5 shawnabm1320 said:

loves2shop4shoes, I'm sorry you have to go through pregnancy without your moms support. Im not close with my mom, although we aren't completely estranged, and it was definitely really hard for me to go through all of it and become a mother without being able to rely on her for her support. I'd even question if I would be a good mother because she was such an awful one. Is there anyone you can talk to IRL who is sort of in a mothers position to you? For instance I'm very close with my grandma and an older friend from where I worked, and they were both happy to chat with me about all my concerns. Or a friend who has been pregnant before that you can text about your earwax? I was on TCF for my first pregnancy, and it was amazingly helpful, but it's also nice to have friends who know you IRL to chat with.

Hugs to you. My relationship with my mom is a pretty constant source of anxiety, so I can't imagine what you're feeling.

I have my MIL and my stepmother, but I don't have the relationship with either of them where I'd feel super comfortable talking about my boobs or something. I also have my BFF's mom (we've been friends since we were 7 so her mother has known me a long, long time), and her mom has been really great.

Even still... There is no replacing your mother. I'd never feel like I was burdening my mother to talk about these things, but I always second guess if I'm burdening others to call or text.

Plus, I don't think you're ever more acutely aware of how you're connected to your mother than when you're pregnant...

I try to be positive and focus on what I do have. It's just really hard and really sad some days...

ETA: I'm also really sorry to hear about your relationship with your mom. I can totally understand the anxiety aspect of it.,. Never knowing how a conversation is going to go and fearing it going poorly and throwing you into a depression....

[sweetieheart32]

@wineandcupcakes come play with us whenever you're ready. Lord knows we can use more company!

[oldbaylover1024]

Join us when you're ready, @wineandcupcakes. And good luck at your u/s in a month. Waiting is so hard!

[shellbell]

loves2shop4shoes I'm sorry you feel bad because you got pg quickly. I did too this time. Last time took awhile. But you shouldn't be made to feel badly. That's not fair, and I'm sorry.

[loves2shop4shoes]

Sept 1, 2016 15:54:45 GMT -5 @wineandcupcakes said:

Sept 1, 2016 15:40:57 GMT -5 shellbell said:

loves2shop4shoes I'm sorry you feel bad because you got pg quickly. I did too this time. Last time took awhile. But you shouldn't be made to feel badly. That's not fair, and I'm sorry.

I also don't think it's fair and it took me to hell and back to get pregnant. You are lucky and normal and you shouldn't feel bad about it.

Plus, I'm fascinated that people actually get pregnant from sex. Like, how?!? ;-)

ETA: it's not fair that you got crap...not that you got pregnant quickly!

So technically... I think I got crap because I had only been posting on TCF for 2-3 months and had been sort of absent for a few weeks prior to sharing my BFP. But, if I'm being honest, I think if I had been absent, announced a BFP, and had been TTC for a while, I would've gotten a very different response. 

As far as the "how" piece, I too am SHOCKED. I've been told since I was 22 that because of the severity of my PCOS, I would likely never ovulate and it would likely take me years to conceive, if I was ever able. I was warned by multiple GYNs to not wait until I hit 30 to TTC #1 because it'd be a mistake. DH and I were really in a panic when we did TTC because we never thought we'd actually get pregnant.

And then 3 months into TTC, BAM! BFP. I actually thought I was hallucinating when I saw the second line on my pregnancy test. And proceeded to pee on like 15 more tests. Not kidding. (I had a huge stash of like 50+ Wonfos that I'd purchased in bulk from Amazon in anticipation of a long TTC journey...)

So yeah, I got LUCKY.

[shawnabm1320]

loves2shop4shoes, I think it's crappy that people got upset that you got a bfp. 1) you have basically no control over when you're going to have a successful cycle. 2) You shouldn't feel obligated to post regularly anywhere. Life happens.

So weird to me. But I've never been on the TTC board because I'm a chicken and new boards scare me. I pretty much stick to birth boards... Ha!

[EmMilAlly]

loves2shop4shoes I think I'm experiencing some pregnancy related depression as well. I posted about this on my j15 board, but I feel like I've lost all coping skills to solve problems, I'm having trouble focusing, and crying more than normal. I am working with my OB and will probably go on Zoloft or something else after my next appointment. I was diagnosed with ppd after my son was born but never actually took the Zoloft because by that point I was so anxious I was afraid to. Anyway, bring it up with your OB! They will help you- hugs girl!

[loves2shop4shoes]

Sept 1, 2016 19:13:28 GMT -5 EmMilAlly said:

loves2shop4shoes I think I'm experiencing some pregnancy related depression as well. I posted about this on my j15 board, but I feel like I've lost all coping skills to solve problems, I'm having trouble focusing, and crying more than normal. I am working with my OB and will probably go on Zoloft or something else after my next appointment. I was diagnosed with ppd after my son was born but never actually took the Zoloft because by that point I was so anxious I was afraid to. Anyway, bring it up with your OB! They will help you- hugs girl!

Hugs! Yeah, it's been tough. For me, I just get very weepy and unnecessarily sad sometimes. And focusing is damn near impossible. 

Let me know how it goes with your OB, EmMilAlly!

[monicageller]

Sept 1, 2016 12:28:14 GMT -5 notagoddess said:

Hi! We were trying to conceive for almost two years before I got pregnant with this baby. But I still feel like I have no idea what I'm in for

I'm a STM and feel like I have no idea what I'm in for!
I think everyone feels that way- expect for maybe Michelle Duggar by the time she was on #10+.

[crazycatlady6]

Sept 1, 2016 15:54:45 GMT -5 @wineandcupcakes said:

Sept 1, 2016 15:40:57 GMT -5 shellbell said:

loves2shop4shoes I'm sorry you feel bad because you got pg quickly. I did too this time. Last time took awhile. But you shouldn't be made to feel badly. That's not fair, and I'm sorry.

.

Plus, I'm fascinated that people actually get pregnant from sex. Like, how?!? ;-)

This I would like to know as well.

I guess one one advantage to having science help with our babies is that when it comes time for delivery, I am no longer shy about who sees my vijayjay since it seems like everybody has seen it already over the past 2.5 years.

[staz]

Hi I'm here! Work has been INSANE this week. I'm working on a 100 page document that has to be finished this weekend. On page 86!

Anyway, I'm terrified as a FTM. My mom was my best friend and she passed three years ago. She was a nurse at a pediatric hospital and knew all the medical stuff, and she was supposed to be my childcare. So H and I had to sort of start over with figuring stuff out and I really miss having her support. I had a freak out the other night because who am I going to call at 3am when my kid has a fever and I'm freaking out? I would have called her and she would have talked me down before. Now I guess I'm calling the doctor freaking out :/

I have one friend with a baby, but her circumstances are so different, it's tough sometimes to talk to her. And nobody else knows what I'm going through, so that's been fun.

So that's sort of where I'm at. And I post on a closed board where some people have been struggling TTC for over a year, and I felt awful coming in with my BFP on my first cycle trying.

[nomnom]

crazycatlady6 MS sucks. The only way I got on here more often was on my phone while I laid on the floor, couch, bed, etc.

@wineandcupcakes Yay, hi! Happy to have you stick around here until you feel comfortable introducing yourself formally. Also, "Plus, I'm fascinated that people actually get pregnant from sex. Like, how?!? ;-)" Totally this

loves2shop4shoes I don't talk to my mom about much pregnancy stuff either. Her experience was very different from mine and we've had a bit of a rocky time since my dad died and she's had problems with alcohol and depression. I also don't have many female/mom friends. I rely most heavily on the internet and TCF to figure out what is normal. All paths to pregnancy are valid. I'm glad yours was short and relatively easy . Everyone has their own challenges in life. Fertility didn't happen to be one of yours. No guilt for that.

loves2shop4shoes EmMilAlly I'm sorry you are both having a rough time emotionally. I hope you can find help to feel better in whatever form you need, whether counseling, medication, or whatever. Being unhappy sucks.

[nomnom]

staz I was reluctant to announce my second twin pregnancy on a board full of people who struggled to get pregnant once with a single baby. This analog of survivor's guilt is real. As I said to loves2shop4shoes above, everyone has their own struggles in different parts of their lives. Is there a 24-hour nurse line in your area? That would be a great overnight resource.

[staz]

Sept 2, 2016 9:42:04 GMT -5 nomnom said:

staz I was reluctant to announce my second twin pregnancy on a board full of people who struggled to get pregnant once with a single baby. This analog of survivor's guilt is real. As I said to loves2shop4shoes above, everyone has their own struggles in different parts of their lives. Is there a 24-hour nurse line in your area? That would be a great overnight resource.

These things exist?  Game changer!

[loves2shop4shoes]

staz,I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. I cannot even imagine your pain and sorrow. I can understand the "Who am I going to call at 3am," but for me, it's not because I physically can't call; it's an emotional boundary that I can't cross.

How truly heartbreaking. I am so, so sorry.

[crazycatlady6]

nomnom - dancerspose is another FTM to add to your list since she intro'd a couple of weeks ago.

[cosmicav]

loves2shop4shoes I am also estranged from my mother, I can relate to your feels; I feel like I am yearning for a mom but even though I have one, it feels like I don't, since she is just a manipulative, horrible person, and I try to avoid her (though she continues to harass me periodically). I get along with my MIL but it really is not the same. It was so hard during my first pregnancy because I just wanted someone close to me who had been through it to talk to....people don't really understand the weird loss of cutting someone out. And I'm still in the process of cutting her out; it's very hard. I wish I had a normal mom.

[nomnom]

Sept 2, 2016 10:11:55 GMT -5 crazycatlady6 said:

nomnom - dancerspose is another FTM to add to your list since she intro'd a couple of weeks ago.

Thanks! Added.

[loves2shop4shoes]

cosmicav, if you ever want to talk about if, you can ALWAYS PM me. I completely understand. It SUCKS.

My mother's pattern is as follows:

Time of Peace >>> Major Blowup (Usually involving major abuse, neglect, sabotage, etc. on her part) >>> Period of Estrangement >>> Sweeping It Under the Rug (with ZERO acknowledgement or apology) >>> Time of Peace

Repeat cycle.

So now we've been in the Estrangement phase for 2+ years. I absolutely KNEW that when I told my mother I was pregnant she was going to desperately try to sweep things under the rug again so that she could be a grandma and get all the public attention of being an expectant grandmother.

And, wouldn't you know, the week after I told her, she began calling me randomly every day, leaving voicemails asking about my day like nothing was wrong at all. Finally, one day, I took the call. She began to shoot the shit, asking me about my job and my new house and etc. (Mind you, she hasn't spoken to me in 2+ years since I was living in Chicago. She doesn't even know what I do for work now.)

So I entertained this for about an hour and finally I said, "Listen, I don't want to get into an argument with you here. But I'm a little bit confused about why you're calling me. You're asking me about my day to day life, and you don't know anything about my day to day life. You haven't been a part of that for years. I'm so happy that you're excited for me and DH, but my being pregnant doesn't change anything. Nothing has changed and I have no reason to believe it's going to change. Our having a relationship causes us both a lot of pain and isn't healthy. So I can appreciate you wanting this baby to be a chance to start over, but I know it's going to follow the same unhealthy pattern. And my priority right now is my health and happiness, the health and happiness of my baby and my husband and my marriage. And I'm not signing up any of them for unhealthy relationships."

She tried to pick a fight with me but I stopped it dead in its tracks and told her I wasn't entertaining that, ESPECIALLY pregnant. And when she realized she wasn't going to get her way, she started the guilt and tears game.

It really wasn't easy, but I am SO PROUD of myself for not falling into the trap. The cycle of abuse has been long and hard with her and I feel like I'm finally free of it.

Thank God.

[nomnom]

loves2shop4shoes Great job with your mom!

[dancerspose]

crazycatlady6 thanks for the shout out!

nomnom this a great idea, thanks! I will admit that I was a little intimidated by the number of non FTMs on this board so after my initial intro was sticking mostly to PAIF, plus work has been nuts.

loves2shop4shoes I'm really sorry that what should be this joyous time in your life is giving you lots of sadness about your relationship with your mom.

@wineandcupcakes I certainly understand the hesitation, but I'm continuing to send all the good vibes your way.

I'm just trying to make it through these weeks/months without an ultrasound. My last one was a month ago and I guess I don't get another until my anatomy scan in another month. Heard the heartbeat earlier this week, though. So the OB assures me there's still a baby in there...I have my doubts, but I guess I have to take her word for it...