November News!

[freezorburn]

How is everyone doing?

Sorry I never got around to posting last month ... I was really preoccupied with tying up the loose ends in my divorce. And at long last, we finally got it all done. For the GIF version, see this thread: 

www.goodbyecb.proboards.com/thread/127400/aw-reflections-on-all-went

Other than that, all is well here. Lots to do, to dig out of the rubble. But I'm healthy, and DS has been doing great. Starting to look for work ... just something to offset my expenses until DS is in kindergarten next year, then, hopefully I'll have more time to work a more traditional schedule. Today I did a phone interview for the floral department at my local grocery store. We'll see what happens.

becwheat, I recall that there may be some big things going on in your life this month. You and your family are in my prayers.

[Deleted]

ALL love to you from here... You may feel all the emotions, but I hope one of them is a sense of relief at having the last entanglements resolved.

[angelsnight]

My November isn't going so well. Today was attempt number 2 at seriously leaving my husband. I've thought about it for a long long time, and last year I thought I was ready. I didn't want to go, but I knew I needed to. Things got a lot better, so I nixed the idea.

Things got bad again, so in August, I was not only ready to leave because I had to, but I also wanted to. I finally told him, and he was in tears (the man has really only cried two others times maybe in the almost 10 years we've been together) begging and pleading for another chance. I really didn't want to, at all, but for my DD's sake I agreed.

He has made a huge improvement, really spending a lot more time with us and being a more active husband and father. But on a scale of 1-10, being a 0 before and 10 being happily married, he was still only about a 5 on his good days, and a 1 or 2 on bad days. I've given it almost 4 more months and I just felt myself being more and more miserable, and more and more excited to be alone. I had planned to wait until after the new year to tell him I was done, but it all came out last night. Again, more crying and begging.

I've always considered myself to be strong, but damn, I just don't know how to break the heart of someone I truly love. To see him that distraught and desperate and begging me not to leave him, I just can't. I want to, but I can't. And I'm so angry that I care that he is upset, because so many times he did not give a shit when he hurt me and broke my heart. I told him we could keep trying, but if and when I feel things are still not improving and I am still not happy, I will be done. I tell myself I swear I will be able to do it next time...but I told myself that last time too.

The thing that kills me is, I really really want to go. I do love him, and we do have some good times, but not nearly enough to outweigh the bad. If he came to me and said, I understand why you want to leave and I want to do what's best for you and DD, I'd say great, let's get things started. But his begging and pleading is the only reason I am staying. Yes, if he can somehow pull things together, staying a family and being happy would be the ultimate win but I don't have much faith that we can achieve that, especially often enough and until death do us part, to make it worthwhile to stay in this marriage.

[freezorburn]

angelsnight, I seem to remember that maybe you posted before, but don't have time to go digging through old posts ...

I'm sorry you have been struggling with these questions for so long. It sounds like both you and YH are struggling. Have you tried counseling? Either together or individually? If you find yourself spinning your wheels, it may help to talk to someone who can help you clarify your thinking. And it helps if that person can really provide an objective eye to your situation.

A good question to ask yourself at this point, is how does leaving solve your problems? You may get a little space from the current situation, but exiting a marriage gives way to a new and possibly uncertain reality. Are you prepared for that? What sort of custody situation would you be hoping for? Do you think he would want the same things you want? Are you prepared to switch off having your LO for holidays each year? Is YH an active and engaged enough parent now, that you feel that LO is fine spending time with him away from you, even doing overnights? You will likely be co-parenting with this person for many years ... how do you envision that dynamic?

Maybe these sorts of questions, which may help you to envision the future in terms of practicalities, might help you to find peace, and a clear conscience, with whatever decisions lie ahead.

Another thing you might check out, is that there is an occasional relationship check-in at the CD Board. Sometimes the ladies there share things that they are struggling with, or things that are helping their relationships. Could be a helpful read, depending on where you are in your journey. Good luck, HTH.

[angelsnight]

freezorburn,Yes, I have posted before. Probably the last time I told him it was over and I couldn't do it. We've tried counseling, it hasn't helped. Helps for a time, but nothing long term.

Custody is perhaps my biggest fear, I cannot stand being away from my daughter for even a short amount of time. But at times MH can be verbally abusive, and I cannot have my daughter growing up, thinking that is an acceptable way to treat someone, much less someone you love, or grow up thinking it's an acceptable way to allow herself to be treated. I know he will always be her father despite our marital status, and he is good to her and lately he is taking a more active role in her life, but me not having her every single day will have to be put on the back burner in favor of her not growing up in a house where abuse is tolerated and normalized.

For the last year and a half MH has worked midnights, and unless something big changes with his work, I don't see his shift changing anytime soon. That works out for me because I don't see how he could possibly have her any times other than on weekends, and I have to work anyway (I work from home, so could work while she's away with him). So it's the best a crappy situation could be I suppose.

I don't doubt that we'll trade in our current problems for new problems once divorced. I know he won't be easy when it comes to co-parenting and future new girlfriends and boyfriends (though dating is not on my mind at all right now). But my hope is that eventually with time our co-parenting relationship will improve, whereas I do not see our marriage improving.

In the week since I wrote this, he has been wonderful. BUT, it's the honeymoon period we've experience nearly all of our relationship. He acts like a jerk, and then to get back in my good graces, or to keep me from leaving, he is on his best behavior. I have hope that it could last, but I don't expect it to. For now, I will enjoy it, and take it one day at a time, but I just don't see how anyone can keep up a behavior that apparently doesn't come naturally to them, day after day, month after month, year after year. If and when things get to the point of me wanting to be done again, I've decided I will have to just file, and then tell him. I guess I am too caring of a person (or too weak, not sure which) to not give a damn that he is upset, but quite frankly it's likely part of his abuse to cry and beg after the fact, instead of just being a better husband and father to begin with. I hate to do that because I've always told him I would never just file without telling him first, but he's backed me into a corner and I think it's my only choice, to guard against caving when he again begs me not to leave him.

Thanks for your kind words. My indecision isn't really about whether I should stay or go, I know I have to go (if he cannot keep up this amazing husband routine)...it's just about ripping off that band aid, and doing for me for a change and for my DD, instead of feeling bad for him, for a situation he created.

Thank you though for taking the time to respond