Attitude and talking back

[pinkie]

Z has had a lot attitude and is talking back. He knows what he's doing and even tells me "I talked back to you mommy". How should I handle this? I tell him it's not nice but he doesn't care. Should I ignore him or give him a consequence?

[brachysira]

Meh...like what? I feel like you have to pick your battles and I'm not one for punishments all the time. DD is still really just a tantrumer, but if she wants to yell, "You're mean" 100x, whatever. She randomly will get in the car and say "I'm mad at you, mom" which means she is going to fall asleep.

And don't take any advice from me. DS hits and bites constantly, won't stay put when when put him in time out or to bed, and is so strong we avoid physically restraining him. Really not sure what we're supposed to do...

[kleigh926]

We don't tolerate much attitude or talking back here. I think it's important for kids to learn respect, especially for authority figures. I mean, I don't discipline for every single thing she says that could be considered disrespectful, and usually we give a warning when she's skating on thin ice with her tone or what she's saying. But if she does something like scream "NO!" at me when I tell her to stop something, that's an immediate consequence.

Also, a friend who has has run an in-home daycare for many years once told me she uses adult words with children instead of dumbing it down (so to speak) and saying "that's not nice" or similar phrases. If DD talks back, I will frequently say something along the lines of "that behavior is unacceptable. That is not the way you talk to me, and that will not get you what you want. Now, let's try saying that the way you should've said it, or you will have to go to your room for a time out." Modeling how they should be talking to you and giving a consequence if they refuse can help too, in my experience.

[pinkie]

Jan 11, 2017 15:05:02 GMT -5 kleigh926 said:

We don't tolerate much attitude or talking back here. I think it's important for kids to learn respect, especially for authority figures. I mean, I don't discipline for every single thing she says that could be considered disrespectful, and usually we give a warning when she's skating on thin ice with her tone or what she's saying. But if she does something like scream "NO!" at me when I tell her to stop something, that's an immediate consequence.

Also, a friend who has has run an in-home daycare for many years once told me she uses adult words with children instead of dumbing it down (so to speak) and saying "that's not nice" or similar phrases. If DD talks back, I will frequently say something along the lines of "that behavior is unacceptable. That is not the way you talk to me, and that will not get you what you want. Now, let's try saying that the way you should've said it, or you will have to go to your room for a time out." Modeling how they should be talking to you and giving a consequence if they refuse can help too, in my experience.

This is what I'm worried about. I don't want to be punishing him every minute but he seems to think rules and boundaries are jokes. I want him to have respect and he tells us he knows what he's doing is wrong but keeps doing it.

I have been using the word unacceptable to him too and he sometimes mocks me for it! I'm like he's not even 4. I'm going to try what you suggested though - point it out, tell him it's not cool and ask him to say it nicely or time out.

[pinkie]

Jan 11, 2017 10:46:49 GMT -5 brachysira said:

Meh...like what? I feel like you have to pick your battles and I'm not one for punishments all the time. DD is still really just a tantrumer, but if she wants to yell, "You're mean" 100x, whatever. She randomly will get in the car and say "I'm mad at you, mom" which means she is going to fall asleep.

And don't take any advice from me. DS hits and bites constantly, won't stay put when when put him in time out or to bed, and is so strong we avoid physically restraining him. Really not sure what we're supposed to do...

Well your little guy is 2 (I think) and to me appropriate 2 year old behavior is different than 4 year . My 2 year old tried to bite me the other day too! Not acceptable but I think it's age related

I feel like we are battling everything with him and agree I don't want to make everything into a punishment.

[mishka29]

Yes we get that too. I usually shut it down pretty quick with 'I don't like that rudeness', 'I don't like talk like that','that's not how we ask for things we want' then I ignore until she changes her attitude.

[pinkie]

I had a talk with him today about how I need him to be my special helper since he's the big brother and that includes listening (especially at daycare) and helping me get little brother out to the car and he really liked this. I then had him be my helper cleaning up after dinner and he loved this. I'm hoping I can curb some of his attention seeking behavior (like talking back) by giving him jobs and responsibility. He definitely wants to be the center of attention all the time and I know he does things he shouldn't just to gain my attention.

I'll let you all know how this works out

[pinkie]

Ironically, this morning his preschool teacher pulled me aside to talk to me about how he has been talking back, giving attitude and not listening. He ripped up two of the paper cut outs for their activity yesterday because he didn't want to listen so they made him sit out and not participate. She said she also has talked to him about how he needs to have respect. We talked about it in front of him and how moving forward he will need to earn the right to have a treat at the end of the day by having good behavior. I may make him a behavior rule chart because he responded really well to the sleep one.

[brachysira]

Well, at least you know you have your thumb on the problem. It's nice when the preschool teachers and you see the same things. Maybe ear infection or something is causing a turn for the worst?

[crimsonandclover]

Yesterday I was in the kitchen with all 3 DDs. DD1 was manhandling DD3 (in her loving but totally overwhelming way), and in my attempt to stop her, I ended up knocking both DD1 and DD3 over. Cue crying by both of them. DD2 (our Feb 13 child) glared at me and said, "Stupid Mama!" I sent her to her room, telling her that it is not ok to say that to me.

She likes to push her limits with a lot of things, and with her the only thing that works is a threat and then following through on it immediately if she doesn't listen. That kind of consistent discipline tends to improve her behavior. If I'm inconsistent about anything, she pounces on it and uses that as her excuse to do it again the next time. Her punishments are either 1) going to her room or 2) taking away her tablet time.

[brachysira]

Hmm. You guys are making me concerned...my Feb child doesn't say I'm stupid... Her "misbehavior" is almost all in the category of freaking out. Or also taking every single thing from her brother. For examine, if I ask her to get dressed, she hyperventilates about 9x over the course of getting dressed because it's not going well... Maybe she needs therapy?

[pinkie]

Jan 12, 2017 11:34:01 GMT -5 brachysira said:

Well, at least you know you have your thumb on the problem. It's nice when the preschool teachers and you see the same things. Maybe ear infection or something is causing a turn for the worst?

I'm pretty sure he isn't in pain. He is super talkative and has told me before if something hurts. With our little guy I do worry about ears!!

[crimsonandclover]

Jan 12, 2017 16:04:25 GMT -5 brachysira said:

Hmm. You guys are making me concerned...my Feb child doesn't say I'm stupid... Her "misbehavior" is almost all in the category of freaking out. Or also taking every single thing from her brother. For examine, if I ask her to get dressed, she hyperventilates about 9x over the course of getting dressed because it's not going well... Maybe she needs therapy?

If I got a dime for every time I said, "Would please just stop whining and crying and say calmly 'Mama, can you please help me put my jacket / boots / socks / etc. on.'?" then I would be a millionaire. I would probably make a new million by the end of every day, as a matter of fact. DD1 (5.5 years old) is *finally* starting to get it and about 50% of the time she'll start to freak out and then calm herself and turn to me and ask calmly for help. Hallelujah. One part-way down, 2 to go. Sounds totally normal to me.

Occasionally I've run into DD2's (Feb 13 child) room because it sounds like she must have just broken her arm or something from the way she's screaming, only to find out that the problem is that the heel of her sock is on the side of her foot instead of on her heel. #firstworldtoddlerproblems

[brachysira]

crimsonandclover, heel problems are the top problem my child faces in her day to day life...she seriously has sock anxiety. We haven't found anything to help...we have some tube socks but that just complicates it for her somehow. Maybe I need to baby her more. Some of the moms at preschool do whole goodbye routines and kisses and hugs for 5 minutes and for 2.5 years now I've been like, c-ya. And with socks I'm like, "just get it done. Try! Try more!" And she always gets it herself but sometimes it includes a "I can't stop crying" and much screaming and begging first.

[crimsonandclover]

Eh, I say you do you and what works for you and your kid. We have a goodbye routine (hug, kiss on cheek, they clap my hand a few times, wave, and then I go) and it only takes about 30 second per kid, but they freak if we skip it.

[pinkie]

We made him a behavior rules chart and he loves it. He keeps wanting us to read it to him so he can memorize it and read it back. It makes me laugh that this excites him but it's great if he follows it

A teacher at daycare shared a great idea. She said when they were kids their parent put out a cup/jar for each kid and they got a marble or coin out in it anytime they did something good/nice. When the jar was filled, that kid got a special outing with a parent. I thought this sounded really cute and I think both kids would respond to it. I especially like that it helps you immediately point out good behavior in a tangible way.

[mishka29]

Yesterday dh was giving feb 13 kiddo a bath and said 'you are having terrible listening right now'. She responded with 'call the police'.

[pinkie]

Jan 15, 2017 21:12:59 GMT -5 mishka29 said:

Yesterday dh was giving feb 13 kiddo a bath and said 'you are having terrible listening right now'. She responded with 'call the police'.

Omg hahahaha