Relative adoption/ICPC questions

[daffodilsandcoffee]

Poof. Thanks for all of the help.

[spooko]

If you are serious and committed to pursuing the adoption I think you're within bounds. If you are constantly asking yourself what's best for the child I dont think you'll go arwy. GL.

[redandblue]

+1 to spooko's point of if you are constantly asking what's in the best interest of the baby, you will definitely make that happen. I would definitely work towards adoption, but maintain openness with the FF. You may not even know if the FF would be interested or seeking adoption anyway. In terms of his age, any transition planning should be very slow and carefully planned, but done right, with his best interest, and I'm sure it will be great! GL and keep us posted!

[akafred]

You have the legal right, and there is a reason for it. Courts have decided that it is in the best interest of children to live with extended family if they can't live with close family. There is a cost to the child though also, an additional loss. Of course the foster family will be devastated, but this isn't about them. As spooko said, this is about the child. Think about what is best for him.

We used to have a member here who was in almost the exact same situation and adopted her niece. She also has a son who is just a few months younger than her daughter. I'm not sure if she ever comes around or even what her screen name is here, since the board moved. I know they had some trouble bonding but got there. I also know it was really rough on the FPs but they keep in touch.

[ceejay]

As a current foster parent, I probably have a slightly different perspective than others here, and it's hard for me to view the situation totally objectively. I don't know all of the specifics of your situation or anything about the current foster parents, but it's likely the baby already has a very strong bond with his current foster family. Do you know if they have expressed interest in adopting him as well?

You are well within your rights to express interest in adopting him and if you really feel that would be in his best interest, then I would go ahead and let them know you're interested. The court/judge will still be the one to decide what is in the child's best interest, and the way that is determined varies a lot from state to state. I know one poster here who has been fostering her current placement for over 2.5 years, and still the "best interest" of those kids has been determined to be adoption by an out of state aunt. In my state, I've been told that if kids are with their foster parents for anything over 6 months, that is usually enough for the foster family to be determined as the best permanent home for the kids (when the case goes to adoption), even when distant relatives have stepped forward later on. I don't have any practical experience of that yet, but that was what our first caseworker told us. So a lot depends on what state is making this decision and what their foster care laws are.

[wesleycrusher]

DD

[Deleted]

I really hope that the Case Workers have been telling the FF all along that there is interested family to help set their expectations. I always thought that if I were in your shoes, depending on the actual relationship (for example, sibling's kid vs. cousin I'm not close with) I would first find out if the foster family was interested and, maybe meet them to see if I felt okay with them. If it was my sibling or a family member I was close to, I'd absolutely be trying to adopt them though, regardless of whether or not the FF hoped to keep them. But I am coming from the FP side as well and my heart is really breaking for them. But, again, you guys weren't even given a chance to be the placement, so it is not your fault that this child would be removed from the foster family. I do agree too that children are generally better off maintaining a connection to their biological family which is why states usually give family members preference on adoption. Also, at 9 months, I think he will be fine. It may be a little confusing at first but he will adjust quickly. One of our sons was a little over 2 when he was placed with us and he was a wreck for about a month but has adjusted really well I think. I think a baby would adjust even easier. They would probably put a transition plan in place too so you could visit the baby several times and get to know him before he would actually go home with you.

I guess a few things to think about as far as what is in the child's best interest-
what types of connections to their community would they have with your or with the FP? Do a lot of their bio family live near the FP or you?
Are you comfortable with them maintaining a connection to the FF? (This may or may not be in the child's best interest)
What resources are available to you that could help the child recover from the early trauma he experienced? Counseling, etc...
What support system do you have in place to help you make the transition to adding this child to your family?

These were some of the questions asked of us before we were selected to adopt our boys from foster care.

[wesleycrusher]

DD

[lbey]

I would like to just share a little story here. It is my Daughter`s story.

DD went to foster care when she was almost 9 months and stayed with same FP until she was 3. When TPR happened and FP wanted to adopt her along with her brother, a family member showed up and decided to adopt the kids. 3 years later the family realized it was too much work. The brother had ASD and DD was showing some behaviors that were not easy either. Family decided to "return" the kids and they got moved back to a foster home. It took one year and the brothers had to be separated to be able to find a family that would take on the needs those kids had. DD is the most precious thing in my life and I love her more than anything but I also wish she didnt go through all of that traumatic move. She does not remember the first foster family that had her. She only knows the names because I have showed her all families she had lived with.

So what I am trying to say is:
1- The baby might be bonded, but she or he can also be bonded with you over time. It will be harder on the foster parents that it will be on the baby but it is all about baby best interest.

2- if you are going to adopt this baby, please make sure it is for baby`s best interest and you will love him or her no matter what. Sometimes needs that you didnt expect might show up and you will be needed with a lot of energy and love.

[daffodilsandcoffee]

Poof. Thanks again everyone!

[wesleycrusher]

DD

[lbey]

My opinion is always contradicting and may hurt some people but...here I am! lol

Do you intent to give a good life to this child that is safe and loving? If this child happens to have some special needs will you stay around and do with everything possible? Do you feel like you can love this child unconditionally and without a doubt?
If so, then please move on with adoption!

It is extremely important for kids to stay with extended family if it is ever possible and that is more important than the bond foster parents claim to have.

Foster parents claim to have strong bond many times but in reality, the bond is more to their side than the child`s (of course this also depends on age). A 1 or 2 years old can bond with you within weeks, if not days.

Think of what is best for the child, not for the host family or any other adult. A foster family knows there is a risk of loosing a child at anytime before tpr and adoption finalization yet, they chose this path. A child does not choose to be neglected, end up in foster care.

Good luck on your decision