Relationship issues after loss

[fknhostile]

Has your loss impacted your relationship with your SO at all?

I'm noticing DH and I becoming more distant. It feels as though we are on 2 different wavelengths. It may be my fault as I've realized lately I have been holding my feelings inside with the due date only a week away. And I'm not even sure how to put how I've been feeling into words. I have been going to therapy but only had 2 sessions so far.

Is this normal? How did your loss effect your relationship if at all? Any anecdotes would even be helpful.

[aprilz81]

DH doesn't normally talk about his feelings even when asked so sometimes I forget to ask just to let him know I do care how he feels. Sometimes he will say something that makes me realize he feels this just as much as I do and possibly more.

I need to do a better job of reaching out to him more. Since I'm a "talker" he usually doesn't have to ask me how I'm doing/feeling because I usually blurt it out.

The biggest difference so far (10 weeks since we lost Ava) is we don't have sex nearly as often as we used to. At first it was a little uncomfortable, then it was just lack of sex drive for me (not that I have a super high sex drive normally).

I would encourage you to open up to him as much as you can. He needs to know he isn't alone in his feelings and it might help you to hear him open up as well. Yes, talking about it is hard, but I find that talking about it helps my grief diminish a little. Talking about her helps me remember that she was real and that she is loved by people other than her parents.

Hang in there!

[shandorfml2]

Men and Women experience grief differently. I didn't have trouble with my DH after we lost our daughter, but I did need to remind myself that he expresses his feelings differently than I do. He felt he needed to be strong for me, so would hold his feelings in while I was a hot mess most of the time. We learned to talk about it, and that really helped. Losing a child is very difficult on a marriage. Give it time, be open about it and seek counseling as needed. I was in therapy (still am) and my husband and I would go together on occasion in the beginning.

[sandj918]

It's definitely impacted our relationship. I don't know how the loss of a child can't. He's not one to process verbally so I have to remind myself that even though he doesn't talk about it as often doesn't mean he's not grieving too. I would encourage you to talk to him and ask him how he's doing. Grief is so isolating.

I frequently feel like we're on the same road of child loss but walking on two separate parts. Like, we can only go so far together but then we each have our individual parts to walk. It's so isolating. One thing that's helped us it to go to counseling together sometimes and go on dates together.

I've also noticed special dates are that much harder.

[fknhostile]

I need to just let it out and bite the bullet. I've been scared to talk about it and open up wounds. It's hurting me to do that, I know.

I will talk to my therapist next week about doing some sessions togther. I'm sure that will help.

Thank you

[aprilz81]

Jan 20, 2017 13:29:15 GMT -5 fknhostile said:

I need to just let it out and bite the bullet. I've been scared to talk about it and open up wounds. It's hurting me to do that, I know.

I will talk to my therapist next week about doing some sessions togther. I'm sure that will help.

Thank you

Everyone will be different, but I find the more I talk about Ava the easier it gets.  Sometimes I can say her name and just feel love instead of grief but sometimes I feel grief instead of love.  The more I talk the more I just feel love.  The loss and grief are still there but it is gradually getting better.

[professormcgonagall]

I feel a lot less close than before. Like most men, my DH doesn't always verbalize his grief the way I do. I felt as though I was the only one truly grieving until we sat down and talked about it.
I still have no sex drive which is hard on him. His love language is physical touch and I know it hurts him that I hardly ever want sex. He understands but it's still hard. He loves to cuddle and hold hands and I'm just not into that right now. Sometimes I force myself to cuddle which I know helps him.
What truly helped was talking honestly and openly. He thought I found him less attractive when in reality it had nothing to do with that.
I don't think group counseling sessions would hurt if you both are willing to participate.

[iheartbroccoli]

MH and I are complete opposites in grief and that was so hard for us to deal with at first. The first couple of months were the hardest on our marriage-we still have tough moments but we're able to work through them much easier than before.

The biggest thing that helped was making sure we each have an outlet for our grief that doesn't involve the other. I have this board and my blog, where I can talk everything out. MH isn't a big talker, and there's been a few times he wasn't ready to talk about something I needed to, so that's when I go to my blog or this board so I can get it all out. He has a project that he's working on that is just his for his grief and his own group he can turn to for help when I can't give him the support he needs. We put so much pressure on each other the first couple of months to be our only support, and having outlets that don't involve each other has taken that pressure off and allowed us to be better support for the other.

We've found surprising ways to connect in grief, and I'm sure they'll change over time. MH bought me a build a bear "Theo Bear" for Mother's Day, and he finds it just as comforting as I do. A tree was planted in a park in Theo's honor, and we visit that tree about every 5-6 weeks. At first MH thought it was silly of me to want to take pictures of it and us with the tree each time, but now he's come to enjoy that and he opens up each time we go to the tree. I wasn't expecting these to be ways we would connect, but we have.

Hugs. ❤️

[fikafairy67]

Our relationship has definitely changed. In some ways it's better, and in some ways it's not. DH blames himself mostly, claiming if he didn't have this blood type we wouldn't be dealing with this. Which while technically speaking is true, it's not his fault she inherited it (50/50 shot).

He holds in a lot of his feelings, and when they come out it's often as disproportionate anger. I'm a counselor by training so I think I handle my emotions better most of the time, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Our sex life definitely took a hit too. Could be partially the IUD hormones, since when I had it before I wasn't as into it either, but some is definitely related to our loss. For me it's a reminder of how we can't ever safely try to have another child the "normal" way, which makes me sad. I will never ever get to surprise him with another pregnancy announcement. It's still hard to wrap my head around.

[heartpresidents]

Oh, so hard on a marriage! Mine has been through the ringer, that's for sure. It's been good, bad, and back and forth countless times. We just try to keep communicating, and try to let each other know we're in this together, even on the days we don't feel close and don't feel like we like each other. And when it comes to grieving Lincoln, we set no rules or boundaries. Whatever it takes to get through the day is ok. No judgement, no right or wrong way to do it.

I know that isn't very helpful, but wanted to let you know you're not alone! Marriage is so hard as it is, let alone after a loss.

[NariaDreaming]

*lurking*

I just wanted to poke my head in and say that reading this thread has given me a lot of thoughts. And I know it's creepy when there's a disproportionately high number of page views vs active users on the board so I didn't want you guys to feel like a zoo exhibit. Of all the ladies here on TCF, you guys hold a very large piece of my heart and I often think of all of you and your angels.


I was asked to serve on the board of a nonprofit that supports families going through pregnancy and child loss, and one of my pet projects as a board member this year is creating more resources for men who are experiencing loss since most of the resources in the miscarriage and pregnancy loss realm are geared toward the woman.

So if you guys have any suggestions on things that would be helpful to include in such a resource packet please let me know.

[fknhostile]

Jan 23, 2017 15:23:09 GMT -5 heartpresidents said:

Oh, so hard on a marriage! Mine has been through the ringer, that's for sure. It's been good, bad, and back and forth countless times. We just try to keep communicating, and try to let each other know we're in this together, even on the days we don't feel close and don't feel like we like each other. And when it comes to grieving Lincoln, we set no rules or boundaries. Whatever it takes to get through the day is ok. No judgement, no right or wrong way to do it.

I know that isn't very helpful, but wanted to let you know you're not alone! Marriage is so hard as it is, let alone after a loss.

This is actually very helpful to me. Thank you

[fknhostile]

Jan 23, 2017 17:50:03 GMT -5 NariaDreaming said:

*lurking*

I just wanted to poke my head in and say that reading this thread has given me a lot of thoughts. And I know it's creepy when there's a disproportionately high number of page views vs active users on the board so I didn't want you guys to feel like a zoo exhibit. Of all the ladies here on TCF, you guys hold a very large piece of my heart and I often think of all of you and your angels.


I was asked to serve on the board of a nonprofit that supports families going through pregnancy and child loss, and one of my pet projects as a board member this year is creating more resources for men who are experiencing loss since most of the resources in the miscarriage and pregnancy loss realm are geared toward the woman.

So if you guys have any suggestions on things that would be helpful to include in such a resource packet please let me know.

I will ask H and get back to you. Thank you so much for all you are doing.

[fikafairy67]

Jan 23, 2017 15:23:09 GMT -5 heartpresidents said:

Oh, so hard on a marriage! Mine has been through the ringer, that's for sure. It's been good, bad, and back and forth countless times. We just try to keep communicating, and try to let each other know we're in this together, even on the days we don't feel close and don't feel like we like each other. And when it comes to grieving Lincoln, we set no rules or boundaries. Whatever it takes to get through the day is ok. No judgement, no right or wrong way to do it.

I know that isn't very helpful, but wanted to let you know you're not alone! Marriage is so hard as it is, let alone after a loss.

This is great! One of the things my husband keeps saying is how hurt he feels when everyone keeps asking how I am doing, but fail to ask how he is doing. It's his loss too! Just because it was a physical AND emotional experience for us as moms, doesn't take away from their loss either.

I don't have any tangible resources at hand, but one of the greatest a supports for my husband has been another loss father he has become close friends with.

There honestly aren't enough resources for fathers, in my opinion.

[fikafairy67]

Jan 23, 2017 17:50:03 GMT -5 NariaDreaming said:

*lurking*

I just wanted to poke my head in and say that reading this thread has given me a lot of thoughts. And I know it's creepy when there's a disproportionately high number of page views vs active users on the board so I didn't want you guys to feel like a zoo exhibit. Of all the ladies here on TCF, you guys hold a very large piece of my heart and I often think of all of you and your angels.


I was asked to serve on the board of a nonprofit that supports families going through pregnancy and child loss, and one of my pet projects as a board member this year is creating more resources for men who are experiencing loss since most of the resources in the miscarriage and pregnancy loss realm are geared toward the woman.

So if you guys have any suggestions on things that would be helpful to include in such a resource packet please let me know.

Meant to reply to you - see my above post!

Sorry heartpresidents, I'm not sure why it replied to you...

[fknhostile]

Jan 23, 2017 17:50:03 GMT -5 NariaDreaming said:

*lurking*

I just wanted to poke my head in and say that reading this thread has given me a lot of thoughts. And I know it's creepy when there's a disproportionately high number of page views vs active users on the board so I didn't want you guys to feel like a zoo exhibit. Of all the ladies here on TCF, you guys hold a very large piece of my heart and I often think of all of you and your angels.


I was asked to serve on the board of a nonprofit that supports families going through pregnancy and child loss, and one of my pet projects as a board member this year is creating more resources for men who are experiencing loss since most of the resources in the miscarriage and pregnancy loss realm are geared toward the woman.

So if you guys have any suggestions on things that would be helpful to include in such a resource packet please let me know.

H has mentioned that he felt like he couldn't release his full emotion at the risk of hurting my feelings even more. Like he had to be my rock and not falter. So he would go into nature (particularly fishing) where he felt he could release some.
He also mentioned how it would have been nice to have a support group (like this one) to turn to.
When we were in the hospital, right before we were released, a grief counselor came in and talked to us about what feelings I may encounter in the next week, month year. What to look out for. Where to turn for support. Etc. It was obviously geared specifically toward me, not H. I feel having something to give the men at that time as well would be very comforting.

Also, when I was sent to L&D to be induced it was very rushed. So we didn't have much time to pack. It took 24hr to begin labor and H was starving and completely out of it mentally and physically. I wish there was something that could've been done more for him at that time besides jello and vending machine snacks.

In the months following our loss the main thing I see is my husband not having the same outlets for his grief as I have been afforded.

I'm not sure if any of this is helpful to you but it's what he had mentioned and what comes to my mind.

I will PM you if I can think of anything else or if he suggests anything else in the future.

Also, please PM me if you need anything else, at all. I am willing and happy to help in any way possible.