How do you praise your child?

[brachysira]

DD has become an insane perfectionist.  I am going to talk to her doctor and see if maybe she needs therapy.  Almost everything she says is, "yes, that sounds fun.  I'll try it when I'm 5."  She's so worried about things going badly that she can barely function.  Almost everything about perfectionist kids is for school-age kids.  They say parents cause this at least partially due to early expectations of a child being perfect.  I am critical of DD because she tantrums and stalls so often, but that's probably due to her perfectionist tendencies, so it's like a feedback loop.  

She has in the past been a very brave child.  Her natural tendencies are too do everything, be active and extreme, and never decline.  She doesn't have typical childhood anxieties...no monsters under the bed or aversions to mom leaving.  When she was 2, she could write some letters and liked to draw, but she stopped at 2.5 because she "wasn't good at it" and hasn't done anything but scribble since.  She loved riding her balance bike, but her friend practiced and got fast, and now DD won't do it because she's "not good at it."  I feel like many things she once enjoyed are not fun for her once she realizes there is a way to be better that she can't do.  I tell her what matters is that it's fun, and she's doing great, but it doesn't seem to matter.  She does not have any interest in dressing herself because it's "too hard," although she's been able to do it for a long time with only a bit of help.

I need to stop this and build her up more, but I also need to discourage regular tantrums, motivate her to do things like get dressed, and maintain adherence to rules (e.g. no hitting her brother).  

Any suggestions?

[pinkie]

I try to praise Z every time he does anything the way we ask him. He has been picking out his own clothes and dressing himself and I tell him how great it is that he's doing this and how we are proud of him. Also when he stays in bed all night I tell him "he slept like a champ" and he loves this and repeats it (the other day he told his little brother good job T you slept like a champ). If he listens I tell him I'm so happy he listened.

We are taking swim and after the lesson I tell him how great he did and point out specific things he did that made me proud.

I praise him if he does something nice for his brother.

If he tries to write a letter I tell him how great he is doing trying (most of the time he draws it backwards). I always tell the kids how much I like their drawings even if it's scribbles

Is this what you are asking? I'm really trying to stop and praise any good behavior for both kids.

[brachysira]

That is what I'm looking for, yes. I must do it more. I have been trying to avoid "good job" and say specific things, but I rarely catch many of these things that she does and must seek more chances. Of course, other advice on this matter is also welcome.

[hereweare]

Hi, it has been a long time since I posted. I try to praise more on work ethic. For example, instead of saying "you are so smart for counting all the cars" I would say something like "Good job working so hard to count all those cars".

My feb13 kid has praised me this way and it cracked me up. He said "Mommy you must have worked so hard vacuuming."

Kids also go through phases though. Currently, I hear a lot of I can't get myself a drink or I can't get dressed. If he says he can't do something I will try to get him to do the first step, like getting a cup for water, he usually then is able to complete the task.

Kids are complicated.

[pinkie]

Oh and lots of praise for helping to clean up. He's actually been helping a lot with that recently and I tell him he's done an awesome job helping to clean up.

[expatmama]

I praise a lot of general behavior like 'That was really kind' or 'That was really helpful' when I notice they are really naturally trying to be kind of helpful. I also try to reaffirm that I think they are 'good kids' so that even when they do something wrong, it doesn't affect that.

I do give some praise for individual achievements, more like 'Wow, look at what you can do!' more than ' Great job' to try to encourage them to find their own pride in things.

But I'm going to sit in my armchair psychologist chair and maybe say that some times your posts come off as a bit anxious as well -- Is your child OK? Is she doing the right thing? Are you doing the right thing? Is this the right day care? Is this going to get her ahead in life? Are you doing enough? Are you doing too much?

Don't get me wrong, as an anxiety sufferer I empathize 100%, but perhaps some of this is the amount of pressure you put on yourself and by extension her?

Maybe part of the answer is being a bit easier on yourself as well?

But again, totally sitting my armchair psychologist chair.

[brachysira]

expatmama, maybe, but I just talk to you guys about a lot of things because I often have no where else to empty my mind. I do things all the time with moms group people but I really never get to talk to them much because the kids are still young enough to require my attention or sometimes the people are just people with newborns or something and we just talk about breastfeeding, etc.--I don't have any close friends in a similar situation who can really talk to me about decisions--a few closer friends I see so rarely that all we do is catch up on life and then it's another 4 months before we speak again. DH and I do not have time to discuss everything either and I seriously sent him a bullet list of how to help DD with her perfectionist problem via IM and that's all the time we've spent on it together. I'm glad this is a group where we can discuss and where people can add to the discussion if they feel like it and on their own time. I don't think I really have high expectations for myself but I do have to analyze everything extensively...it's just who I am and I don't mind it, and I'm glad I have this place to do it.

[mishka29]

I read an article recently that talked about how you should praise the effort rather than the result. Or something like that. I'm terrible at recalling these things. But kids who focus on effort will try harder and see things more as endless possibilities. Ugh I'm not explaining it well. I'll never find it again so I'll stop trying to quote it lol

Dd1 does the whole 'I give up 'I can't do it' sometimes. She gets worked up about it so I usually start with telling her to calm down, take a breath and try again. It doesn't always work but I keep trying anyway. I'm hoping eventually it will sink in.

Dd1 was really big on laughing (and pointing) at people when they fell or got hurt. But after some time of gentle correcting I've seen real progress. Just this past weekend I hurt myself twice and she came right over and asked me if I was okay. It was such a dramatic change from her previous behaviour that I noted it right away. But really most learning is slow so we don't always notice the little things.

I wonder if one way to get her to try things more would be to break the task down into parts. Start with the small or easiest. Or you do it and ask her to join. So maybe getting dressed together. So you say I can't help you bc I have to dress myself so let's do it together and start with our pants. If she's good to go then turn it into a race at some point. I don't know if any of this is helpful...

[sagen]

Watch Meet the Robinsons as a family with some treats. Discuss afterwards the moral of the story. Praise for effort, and like expatmama said go easy on yourself. You and your daughter both sound like perfectionist. Be kind to yourself, and remind you and her you're both doing a great job.

[expatmama]

" I seriously sent him a bullet list of how to help DD with her perfectionist problem via IM"

See, and this is where I see you are a lot like your daughter... working really hard for the perfect solution to the problem.

Not judging, really not. Just saying, even if DH and I don't get a chance to talk, it would never occur to me to send a bullet list like this. And maybe some of this comes from your daughter watching how much you try to fix things that are 'wrong' even when everyone else here keeps telling you they aren't really 'wrong' -- instead of letting her do her thing.

My kids are now 7 & 4 and the amount of time I spend talking about the stuff we talk about on here with my Mom friends is pretty small -- and mostly like 'Oh god, my 4 your old is insane, is yours also insane?'. The rest of the time I am relieved that we can now talk about other stuff like books, movies, politics etc. I'm grateful to have this place to ask a few quick questions, about when things get really wonky or weird. But it may be because I'm a working mom and my kids are in daycare/school (where my 7 year old is JUST starting to read because they start with that late here, and my 4 year old still gets distracted whenever he tries to count to 10 - but they are doing just fine).

[creepyeyeball]

brachysira

You remind me so much of myself when my boys were younger. I mean all of this in a good way, so please don't take me wrong. I tend to be an overanalyzer by nature, so when the boys were little I second guessed everything I was doing. I think I also was "overinformed" if that's possible. I read everything I could get me hands on - how to make your child a genius, how to keep them 100% healthy, how to give them every advantage, etc. I spent so much time online reading articles that there ended up being too many voices telling me what I could and couldn't do and I started getting anxiety (all this added to pressure from family members to do things their way). I look back on those years and mourn the joy I missed out on that I now get to experience with my littles. Instead of worrying about every little missed milestone, I know now that it all happens in due time. I remember diagnosing my boys with all sorts of things when they were little out of anxiety that they weren't normal. But they are. They caught up and behavior changed when they were ready and able.

I guess my advice to you is to unplug for a while. Stop comparing your child to other children. Stop comparing what works for other mothers to what you are able to do in your home. Learn to trust your God-given instincts and find the joy in letting go of the world's timelines, milestones, and indicators of health or success.

To answer the OP - I praise my children the way I praise anyone in my life. I give credit where and when credit is due. I show heartfelt appreciation for thoughtfulness and effort, even if the outcome isn't the best. I encourage the way each child needs according to their live language - some need words of encouragement, others need physical affection, and others may just need a high five or a competitive challenge. There is no right or wrong way.

But what I do try to avoid is what my mom did my whole life and what I fear many of my peers in the participant trophy generation experienced growing up - false praise for mediocrity. I refuse to lie to my kid and tell them everything they do is the best thing ever. I encourage and show appreciation. I praise according to abilities and age. But my mother often praised for jobs not well done for fear of hurting my preshus feelings and as a result I've struggled with criticism my whole life.

[creepyeyeball]

I forgot to add - my firstborn (poor little guinea pig) is a typical firstborn - perfectionist. So obedient. Careful to not make mistakes. Firstborns are probably like that because all parents have unrealistic expectations for the first one. I remember also doing flash cards with him at age 1-2. He knew all of his letter sounds by 2.5 and was reading by 3-4. When we started writing lessons in homeschooling he hated it. When he would write sentences and I would correct spelling and grammar he would lose it. Then, he just started writing "safe" sentences - simple three word sentences composed with words far below his level. He would only write what he knew I wouldn't correct. So, yeah, not going to work if I wanted his writing to actually improve.

What I did was back off. I put away the red pen and all spelling curricula. I just let him write whatever he wanted and the words started flowing. Instead of correcting the details, I soent more time looking at the big picture - was the actual story creative despite the tiny mistakes. He found his joy in writing, and guess what - years later the grammar and spelling improved naturally through time.

I haven't used a single flash card since DS2. DS2 didn't learn to read until age 6. DD1 just started reading last week. DD2 is just now learning her alphabet at nearly 4. She only knows ten letters. But all middle three taught themselves on their own timeline without any tears or frustration for them or me. In the end now, with DS2 turning 8 this weekend, he is no worse off than DS1. There was no advantage to working DS1 that hard at such a young age.

[brachysira]

Okay, creepyeyeball, that last part is great advice. We've never used flashcards but do enjoy those story cards that you just lay out and use to create stories--but that's actually quite low pressure for her. The only thing that really she must do right now is get dressed, but that's getting better and I don't mind helping her pull her sweaters on and off. We can just quit writing and drawing entirely unless she asks. Not sure what to do about sports because she likes them and she's getting muscles her preemie body has never had but I know they probably stress her out too. And another fail--I let her watch some Disney movies for cultural purposes and now she says the "bad thoughts" won't go away and she can't stop thinking about bad things. I guess there's no rush on those either and we'll just stick to Peg + Cat and Dora for a while.

[reidhj]

OK, half lurker here since I never post anymore, but I've been here since the beginning. I don't even remember what my screen name was on the old site, but I really enjoy keeping up with each and everyone of you.

OP, I think I've read everything you've written since the beginning of our little organization, and... you could be me. As other posters have said (with a lot of goodwill and respect for you, I think, not out of judgment) you do seem quite anxious, in general and about parenting. You say you're not so anxious, that this is your only place to empty your mind to other moms. I can respect that, but still it really seems like you struggle with being so worried, and that gets you more worried, and the cycle continues.

I used to worry about things the way you describe in your posts. At that time, I would not have called it anxiety; I would in fact have argued and maybe even have been angry at someone who accused me of having anxiety, but now, after years of treatment, I know that's what it was.

The simplest way to describe how I suffered was that I was completely unable to distinguish between things that were a serious concern, and things that were a mild concern. Being five minutes later getting home from the grocery store seemed just as upsetting as whether or not my child might have strep throat. My child playing alone for 20 minutes at the playground when there were other children available to play with made me worry just as much about autism as those perfectly normal occasions when she would insist her blankets weren't quite right at bedtime. Certainly, I could find a website that said blanket issues and bedding issues and playing alone too much were all signs of autism, and I could get focused on that, but in the end, it was me getting focused on something, and not her real and actual behaviors that were the problem. Eventually, the pediatrician, a friend, my husband, a moms group, etc, would always talk me down, but all along the way, I'd worry worry worry worry worry. And no sooner did I resolve one problem that another popped up, if not several at a time. I managed, I got by, but that was all I did. I just managed. I just got by. There was no room for joy.

But at the urging of those who loved me, and with the help of an objective observer, it ultimately became clear that the anxieties lay with me, and not with my child. So, while I have no idea what's truly going on in your life, it does seem clear that someone is suffering from some anxiety, and it's affecting you. Maybe it's not you. But I really do urge you to find a way to deal with it that is deeper and more meaningful than just reaching out to us. I don't mean don't reach out to us, but I do mean find someone more knowledgeable than us as well. I know this group will continue to be there for you, and while I may not often reply, please know that I'm thinking of you often and hoping things go well.

One quick example of how things can change:

For me, now, when my four-year-old suddenly gives up on riding her bicycle, claiming that it's too hard, I no longer worry her confidence is broken, or that perhaps she had a fall that frightened her and I missed it, scarring her for life, or that maybe some cruel child teased her for the way she rode, or that her bicycle is unsteady and in need of repairs… no, none of those things even occur to me, unless she also seems very upset. Now I don't even think of it and we just go inside and try again another day.

But when I was anxious, to me she always seemed very upset, even when she wasn't, in part because I was upsetting her with my worries, and in part because I was so upset I couldn't tell who was upset in the first place. So if she came to me with a problem, every problem seemed to me to be a level 10 problem, requiring a level 10 solution, which made her more worried, which made me even more worried, which made everything worse. Now that I've broken the cycle... peace.

That's not to say that in some situations the exact same scenario couldn't mean a self-confidence problem. So now I am in the fortunate position of being able to deal with those real and actual problems when they emerge, instead of simply fearing them all the time whether they've emerged or not. I have learned to trust myself to know what is anxiety-fed, and what is simply my children being normal children. I've learned to read their emotions more clearly, by learning to deal with my own emotions first.

When I read your posts, I see myself in you. In some ways, I hope I am mistaken, because if I'm right, that level of anxiety is so pervasive it's hard to even recognize it in yourself. It never goes away long enough for one to even realize you are anxious; I was so anxious all the time that it never spiked high enough to be noticeably changed. Almost never did those around me say, "wow, calm down, you're really freaking out." I just steadily, constantly, unflaggingly worried. I always worried, I never stopped.

And if that is how you feel, I want you to know that it may be possible that talking to someone who is trained in re-training your mind to work FOR you instead of against you may help you. It helped me. Some people are resistant to cognitive behavioral therapy, but I know you wouldn't hesitate to get it for your child if she needed it, so if you feel there's a chance it may help you, I urge you to take it. I really hope I can make this whole post come across as helpful. Some people consider the suggestion of therapy to be an insult. Obviously, having been through it, I don't consider this to be something I see as being "wrong" with you. I've been in therapy for what I describe above for years; I have spent thousands of dollars and hours of my life trying to rework my mind so that I won't suffer anymore, so that I can have peace at home and in life. I learned to see anxiety as something mechanically faulty my brain, not as a personality defect.

So I hope you know that I don't think it reflects at all on your parenting ability or your personality. In fact, just the opposite: to be able to parent at ALL if you are suffering from anxiety is an incredible feat and one that shows a great strength of character. It's something of which you should be proud as you struggle through the process of changing.

Sorry for the novel which I have no idea will be helpful or not. But some of your posts, and especially this one, have struck me so deeply that I felt I wanted to share my story with you. If you have any questions I'll be happy to answer them publicly, or you can PM me, although I am not frequently on the site and I'm not sure if you emailed me to notify me. I will try to remember to check back over the next few days. I hope things go amazingly well for you and your family. It's clear you're working your tail off to make sure that that happens and I know it doesn't go unnoticed here. Best of luck to you.