GTKY - an IF memory

[kaf7]

this is a blatant attempt to be more inclusive because I love our community but I admit I don't recall everyone's story. I also am lately having trouble identifying people when many had to change avatars recently. So, since our IF struggles are what brought us to SAIF in the first place I thought people could share something about their journey through IF that was memorable to them and perhaps would be to others. 

So my DH has azoo and was on stims for about 9 months when I run into my RE on the street and he realizes he forgot to tell me that there were 25 sperm in the sample DH gave A MONTH AGO. And acted like it was no big deal. Totally shifted the axis of my world. 

Amyone else wanna share?

[calindi]

Sure, might as well all start fresh!

I'm not sure I am particularly memorable for my fertility journey. But I will always vividly remember the bitchy nurse who was subbing for my regular nurse right before my third IUI cycle. We had done unmedicated IUI, Femara+Follistim TI, then F+F IUI, all BFNs, and I was there for my Day 3 for a Follistim only IUI. I had told her I was nervous about multiples because I really wasn't thrilled with the idea of twins and she answers, "Well, about 25 to 30 percent of women on Follistim have twins, but you're young so probably closer to 30 percent. And only 5 percent have triplets. And we've only had one patient with quads." Geez lady, I said I was scared of twins, thanks for throwing gasoline on my fire!

Then I said I was tying to feel hopeful but I knew the doctor had told me we had at best a 20% chance of success. She goes, "20%? That would be quite high! We usually see far less than that!" Wow, thanks for raining on my parade. Hope deflated.

Then (oh yes, it gets worse), she says, "Now the doctor will likely want this to be your last IUI, so after this we'll probably suggest moving on to IVF." Said in such a way that sounded like I had no hope that cycle. Plus I was not emotionally ready for the IVF talk.

I stopped at Whole Foods on my way home to buy almond butter and I grabbed some Brazil nuts while I was there because I had read they were good for fertility and I was desperate and upset. The Brazil nuts rang up as $19 because its Whole Paycheck but I didn't have the emotional strength to tell her I didn't want them if they were that expensive. It took everything in me to wait until I was back in the car before I burst into ugly tears. I called my best friend sobbing incoherently about how I couldn't have a baby because I had spent it all on Brazil nuts (I was worried about IVF costs and I had just blown out grocery budget on a bag of nuts). Then I drove 2 hours home eating my expensive nuts.

So... yeah, that day sucked.

[blueinred]

Unfortunately my IF journey has been far, far longer than i had ever anticipated. I never thought it would take us 8 years, 2 fresh cycles, 4 FETs and god knows how many thousands of dollars and tears to complete our family.

My most memorable IF moment is holding my newborn son, born full term and healthy via unmediated VBAC (DD was a 31-week preemie) and thinking that I had the family I had dreamt about and that I would never have to go through this again.

[westiemom]

So many memories it's hard to choose. I think my biggest memory is getting my surprise bfp on a break after 3 ivf cycles and losses. It was the biggest miracle of my life.

[gsancho]

Probably the most memorable was the days after our FET when my FIL passed suddenly, 3 days later I learned I would be laid off, and 2 days later got a BFP. Roller coaster, but that BFP finally gave us something to celebrate!

A more funny one was after waking up loopy from my retrieval, I asked the nurse if I'd sharted.

[murrt]

Most of mine are super duper sad. Sad like whoa. Makes me sad thinking about it.

So, I will go with the only very happy one that sticks out. After getting a bit of pee pressure from some of you after transfer #4, I finally POAS and I got a very clear positive. My husband had just left for work and I wanted to tell him in person in a cool way, but I couldn't keep it all to myself, so I texted lemonliz who I had been texting with all morning about our cycles anyway. Kind of perfect that one of my best IF friends was the first to know about baby murrt. She then helped me come up with a cool way of telling DH that night. He opened a onesie that said "the little embryo that could" while I filmed him doing it.

gsancho legit LOL at sharting

[rainbowbridge14]

Other than the really depressing parts, the parts that really stick in my mind are giving myself shots in tons of different places.

I had to do stims in the public bathroom at my university a few times. I also had to fly with my stims for H's grandmother's funeral right at the beginning of our IVF cycle. The ice packs got me manually searched and I gave myself shots in the airport bathroom and later in the trip at a rest stop off of I-40.

I always had vaginal progesterone or estrace in pill bottles hidden in my bags so I could do them the multiple times a day I had to. It just felt like I was a walking pharmacy that periodically got poked with needles or had things stuck up the vag.

[leahb12]

I have to say that making the decision to be done has really closed the door on our IF journey, and it feels SO good. I have a ton of crappy memories, like everyone here, but my favorite memory is when DS1 met DS2. He was so thrilled to be a big brother. I have the cutest pics from that moment, and they always melt my heart.

[sunshinedaisies]

The day I started my first IVF round was the day my aunt died. As we sat waiting in that little room off to the side waiting for the doctor to come in and tell us there was no hope, I remember being torn in my grief - grief over my aunt, grief over having to go through IVF, wanting to have some glimmer of hope.

Walking back to my aunt's room, hand in hand with my cousins, holding them up, giving them strength. Who would hold me up?

Standing over my aunt, watching her take her last breath. Who would breathe life into me?

DH sat in the waiting room with my aunt's best friend. She looked over at DH and told him out of the blue: "did you know that Jack and Mary had trouble having kids? Yeah, they wanted kids so bad, but it just didn't happen. They were told there was nothing anyone could do. Years passed, and they accepted it. Then one day, she got pregnant, and then it happened again. Ten years it took them. Omg how they wanted kids, how they loved those girls."

Call me crazy, the timing of that random, precisely timed conversation, gave me strength. It gave me the strength to go home and do that first injection. It also gave me strength when we had that first loss to try again. It's like I could hear her telling me: my journey was going to be long, but I shouldn't give up, because the end is worth it.

[kaf7]

Thanks for sharing everyone! Love tits are for support in the harder memories. 

[bocaburger]

Well my claim to fame around here is that we transferred one embryo, and ended up with fraternal twins! My doctors believe that my lead follie ovulated when I triggered and was fertilized through sex (magically despite the MFI). Pretty crazy!

[ampaints]

So H and I had an extended journey because I took each new step really slowly. The first RE we went to was terrible. Didn't start that way, but the last time I left his office I was crying and just thought I wasn't going to be a parent. H convinced me to explore options that we weren't thinking if earlier and switching to a new clinic.

My first IVF cycle with our RE was canceled. I'll never forget the phone call. It was so close to the horrible experience with the other clinic. My RE was afraid there were secondary factors for me that hadn't been diagnosed. But the time and empathy she displayed with me during that call. She took 45 minutes on a Saturday to sooth me, comfort me, and build my belief that I would get pregnant. Hey compassion was so strong during my entire time with them.

Bonus memory, the look of joy on my RE's face when I took Miles to see her. I'll airways treasure the picture I took of them.

[kensie5226]

The biggest impressions were made on me by others. We've been really open about our IF struggles and I've had several IRL friends reach out to me to thank me for talking about such a difficult subject and to tell me that reading my posts has really given them comfort in their journeys.

Edit to add sumbeach will never let me forget how pessimistic I was about our first IUI which was the one that led to success. Seemingly everything went wrong with that IUI: thinned lining, especially low count, weird timing. I was convinced it would never work. MH and I even got into a big fight about my attitude. We like to call DD our little spite baby b/c at one point he told me "I hope you get KU just out of spite."

[calindi]

Oh, a happy memory? I don't usually think of IF as happy but then again it did result in the two greatest joys of my life, but what a bitch of a journey.

To say a happy one, when DS met DD. He was 22 months so we weren't expecting much, and were prepared for jealousy, but we had been watching Daniel Tiger episodes about having a baby and I guess it stuck - he walked right up and "uggamugga" (rubbed noses) the baby and then tickled her toes. I melted into a puddle of goo.

[kaf7]

calindi, it doesn't have to be a happy memory! All memories have value.

[calindi]

blueinred - shutting the door to our TTC journey was incredibly satisfying. I don't ever want to have another kid, and I don't want to TTC, but I would kind of like to be pregnant again. Because of that, I'm thinking about offering to be a gestational carrier for friends who won't be able to carry their own pregnancy due to medications that are distinctly not pregnancy friendly which she can't go off for more than a few weeks. I'm not ready to offer yet but I really want to do it.

[ampaints]

calindi I've thought of being a surrogate as well. IF is such a bitch, to be able to help someone else beat it is something I'd like to do. I'm not certain that if be an ideal candidate though due to age and c section necessity.

[leahb12]

calindi That is so generous of you to think about being a gestational carrier. Unfortunately, I had miserable pregnancies, and one of the reasons (among many) that we're done is because I never want to put myself through that again. If someone had volunteered to be pregnant for me, we probably would have considered it.

[nutmeg8484]

Jan 24, 2017 8:34:15 GMT -5 leahb12 said:

calindi That is so generous of you to think about being a gestational carrier. Unfortunately, I had miserable pregnancies, and one of the reasons (among many) that we're done is because I never want to put myself through that again. If someone had volunteered to be pregnant for me, we probably would have considered it.

Ugh. pregnancy hates me also. It is the main reason why we are absolutely done after this one gets here. I'm looking forward to never feeling this awful again.

[murrt]

I sit with leahb12 . I had a really rough pregnancy and delivery (insulin dependent gestational diabetes, unidentified rashes, daily vomiting, low fluid = early 5 day induction leading to c-section, hypertension post-birth, and then cholesistitis leading to gallbladder removal a few weeks ago). I can't imagine anyone enjoying pregnancy. It's amazing to me that some of you would consider being GCs. People told me that I'd miss pregnancy. Nope.

I go back and forth multiple times daily about whether I could do it again. I want a second child, but we have no embryos left, no IVF coverage, Pregnancy sucked ass for me, plus, I'm old. But then, baby murrt is 3 months old, so I don't have to decide today.

It's going to be a tough decision....

[leahb12]

nutmeg8484 I'm sorry it's so hard on you. I tell people that I felt like I was going to die when I was pregnant. That sounds so dramatic, but that is literally how I felt. At 26w with DS2, I had a meltdown and told DH to drive me to the hospital to take the baby out because I couldn't take it anymore. Fortunately, the third trimester was my easiest trimester with him.

murrt Sorry you have to make these decisions. It sucks.

[ampaints]

So I've been spiraling on being a GC since this topic came up this morning. Seems I might not be too old. I think H and I are going to have a conversation tonight.

[westiemom]

Jan 24, 2017 9:18:38 GMT -5 ampaints said:

So I've been spiraling on being a GC since this topic came up this morning. Seems I might not be too old. I think H and I are going to have a conversation tonight.

I think it's really admirable and amazing for you and calindi to even consider this option!

[supermorena]

All these posts are making me tear up! IF is so unfair and you are all so incredibly strong!

What I remember most is finally hitting that point where I just couldn't do it anymore. I was so heart broken, unhappy, unhealthy, etc and I had to acknowledge it was time to accept things before I fell into a deep(er) depression. We were giving IUI 1 last try and then looking into adoption. Already had an appt set up to get some information. I nonchalantly checked my lab results online, knowing it would be the same as every other time the past few years. I'll never forgot seeing that beautiful 97. What?!? I must have checked it 10 times before calling the Dr because I thought I was seeing things. I still have times when I'm sure I'm imagining all of this. So amazing!

[nikiswimr]

I'm seriously moved by all of these posts. Love tits are acknowledging memories.


**Edit to say loss warning***


I think possibly the most bittersweet of my memories is having my beta for E after our IVF cycle on the EDD of the baby I lost. When it came back positive there were so many emotions.

[ruthie]

I definitely agree with the healing of feeling done with the TTC part of life. It's nice to close that door and has definitely helped me cope with a lot of past trauma. After the boys it was a dark cloud that just sort of hung over me after they turned one (I gave myself a pass until then).

This is kind of a sad one, but it was exactly what I needed at the time. I was a high responder during IUIs and had a great retrieval at my first IVF. They transferred a perfect embryo and everyone was so hopeful. I started my period on the one year anniversary of my miscarriage and my nurse let me go in for the negative beta that day. The phlebotomist held me for at least five minutes while I sobbed. I nearly crawled in her lap. She just rubbed my back and told me she was sorry. I felt like she was really rooting for me and so invested. It was sort of nice to be able to just lose it - away from the grief of DH and my friends. Despite a room full of women outside that door, i felt like she was 100% there for me and no one else.

To make up for that- a happy one. I get really nervous and make weird jokes when I'm uncomfortable. My ONGYN says it's one of her favorite qualities of mine. DH hates it. Before the ET for the boys, they told us the embryos didn't look good. That just upped my discomfort and I started going on about how everyone in metro D.C. had seen my parts. When she pulled up the curtain for my legs, I said, "welcome to the club." DH face planted on the table and the sonography and her trainee snorted as doubled over with laughter.

[fightersince83]

I think one of the coolest IF moments was the first time we took DD to the OB and the RE. They both knew our journey. My OB had witnessed the whole thing and my RE had obviously known our history and been with us through treatments. It was such a happy day the day we got to go in to their offices with our rainbow baby. We could also see that they were so genuinely happy for us and we were just so grateful to them for everything they had given us that we'd never thought we'd have. It was amazing

[katemonster]

calindi I think I remember the Brazil nut story.

gsancho I for sure remember the shart question! Lol!

I remember accidentally throwing away half a vial of HGH which needed to be refrigerated. I FREAKED out about it, but ended up using it anyway. At the time, it felt like I threw away hundreds of dollars and any chance of the cycle working.

I also remember my first US with DS and my RE pointing out the heartbeat flickering. When he asked before how I was feeling, I said nervous. His response was "me too".

[TJ]

My favorite IF memory is when I joined this tribe.

*** TW: loss mentioned ***

After I lost my little Peanut, I went into a major depression. I didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't speak. I sat on my couch like a zombie. I did my work with headphones on and didn't make eye contact with anyone. My husband was literally researching how to get me committed into a psych facility before I hurt myself or someone else.

And then my friend told me about this whole new world. Where I wasn't an outsider. I wasn't a failure. I wasn't alone. But I was anonymous, so I could share without being uncomfortable. It literally saved my life. And changed my life. And I made a lot of really good friends.

[kate61487]

sunshinedaisies you made me tear up *sniffle*

I think one of the most memorable moments for me was that first injection. Standing in my kitchen with DH, freaking out because how the hell am I supposed to stab myself with a needle right now? DH just kept asking what he could do and I'm like 'nothing really I just need you to be here'.

Also the day I went in for my first beta on our successful cycle (transfer #2), I had poas the day before and it was positive so I was floating walking into that office and I got the cute phlebotomist and when he asked me if I was feeling good/hopeful I told him I'd gotten a + the night before. He was the first person I actually said it out loud to beside DH