Post by rikkiandjulie on Feb 8, 2017 8:48:35 GMT -5
I need to share something personal, and it's probably a bit long, so I am just going to share it here, and I hope none of you will judge me.
I am having an incredibly hard time the past 5 days. I am really struggling understanding everything that happened this pregnancy, and why it had to happen to me. My wife and I fought for 2 years to get pregnant, month after month of disappointment, and then finally I got pregnant in June. It was the best day of my life but also the scariest, I was going to be a mom, we were going to be parents. We spent the next 5 months preparing, processing, and getting ready. In December my family threw us the most amazing baby shower, and we were on cloud nine. Then New Years Eve hit, our 10 year dating anniversary, and I was officially diagnosed with PreEclampsia, I was only 32 weeks pregnant at that point, and was admitted to the hospital for the next 5 weeks. It took me about 3 days to really understand what had happened. I was told that if my blood pressure didn't stabilize or if i got any worse they would induce me at any point. About 3 days into my stay there the baby started not performing well on the NSTs, so we ended up doing biweekly BPPs which were always passed with flying colors. Each week that passed, the happier I got. Everyone told me and made me feel like if i just got to 37 weeks the baby would be a full term baby and everything would be okay, and we'd get to go home just like a typical delivery, so I kept fighting, and kept pushing for 37 weeks, I got sicker, my blood pressure Meds kept going up, I got more tired, more irritable, my placenta started going rogue. Finally, the morning of 2/2 the exact date of 37 weeks, my goal, and my induction date arrived. I was relieved and thankful, thinking it just a mere 48 hours all of us would be going home as a family, finally. I cried tears of joy that morning along with tears of fear.
At promptly 7a that morning, they wheeled me to labor and delivery, as I was quickly going downhill, my BP that morning was 182/102, the highest it had been in weeks, I had developed a headache that wouldn't disappear, and felt sicker than I had any of the previous 5 weeks. Once in labor and delivery my wife started playing our music playlist that she had worked on for weeks, and totaled 16 hours of music, by 9a the pitocin started, and at 9:05a they gave me the bad news that I would be placed on Magnesium Sulfate. Mag is used to prevent seizures and strokes in PreEclampsia patients, which is great, but I knew the side effects and I broke down. With magnesium you aren't allowed to eat/drink, you're not allowed to move from bed, your veins feel as though they are on fire, your body feels as though it is burning up, you're dizzy, you're tired, your nauseated in some ways it's like the worst hangover of your life, the worst part is that you're on the Mag for 24 hours from your time of delivery, so if you Labor for 36 hours, you still have an additional 24.
The magnesium hit me like a ton of bricks and I spent the next 6 hours drifting in and out of sleep, anxiously awaiting to feel a change, or even a cramp, and nothing happened, no progress was being made. The sweetest nurse informed me of this, when she came in to tell me that she didn't think I could safely have proceed with a vaginal delivery, as with each tiny contraction I had, and trust me they were tiny, I've had periods worse than what I was feeling, that the baby's heart rate was dipping much lower than they'd like, and that the baby was already stressed, and would likely not make it through delivery so she was thinking a c-section, and immediately turned off the pitocin until she could speak with my medical team. Less than 15 minutes later I was swarmed with at least 7 people informing me of what was happening, and that the c-section would be taking place as soon as the OR was cleaned.
The next twenty minutes blurred on by, I got a new IV site, and was wheeled into the OR. I have never seen so many people work together so efficiently. While being prepped in the OR I start sobbing hysterically, already grieving the loss of a vaginal delivery, and terrified of what is to come. The nurse calms me down while the spinal block is placed, bless her heart she was a sweet pea. Eventually, I am all prepped, and my wife comes back to the room. The surgery had started way before I even realized it had, as we were just talking, and very excited to be going home in a few short days. Finally I hear the time of birth announced 4:47p! My wife stands to tell me the gender but sits back down bc she can't see, I say something like "You're not going to tell me?! ". She stands again and says "Sutter is here, omg it's a boy". I was so surprised, everyone had convinced me it was a girl! My wife and i hold hands and cry.
They quickly take Sutter over to the warmer bed, and begin to check him over. He's a little sluggish because of the magnesium. I see them giving him oxygen to try and open his lungs, eventually he cries. The neonatal team quickly brings him over to us. We take a quick photo of him and she tells us they are taking him back to the NICU to clean him up and get the magnesium out of his system. My wife leaves the OR to go tell our family and friends waiting the gender of the baby.
I am wheeled back to my room in L&D and am told that I won't be able to see Sutter for at least 24 hours. I cried again, but this one was an angry cry. How could I not see my baby, how could I not do skin to skin, how could I not breastfeed immediately? My wife - Julie made her way back to the room and told me that Sutter was put on a CPAP to help him breathe and a feeding tube to help him eat so that I could breastfeed after the 24 hours was up. My family came in one by one after they went back to see Sutter. Julie did take video of each one meeting him for the first time. Hearing them say how cute or sweet he was broke my heart, as i was still counting down the hours to see him.
That night i started pumping breast milk and actually got very sick from the magnesium. It wasn't a good night.
The next morning and afternoon passed quickly and Sutter was still in the NICU, but we were hopeful he'd come up to the newborn nursery sooner than later - he didn't.
Approx 27 hours post delivery I was able to finally hold my son for the first time. It was extremely emotional, and at that moment what i had lost to get to this point really hit me.
Sutter spent the remainder of the week in the NICU, and each day I became sadder and sadder. I started to realize that just because I had made it to full term with a 37 week baby, that my body had actually failed him. It failed him in a way that caused him to be born at 5lbs, and needing extra help. I just realized that even though 37 weeks is term, he was still early, and that our journey wasn't over like I had been led to believe and had hoped it would.
On Sunday 2/5 I was offically discharged from the hospital, but my son was just starting his journey. That evening they transferred him from NICU BAY 3 to NICU Bay 5 which is where the most stable infants are placed. That evening I spent several hours just watching him, in total aw, while he was under the bili lights for jaundice. Eventually, it was time for us to leave the hospital.... simply put leaving the hospital without your baby is absolutely the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I cried myself to sleep that night, and have kept myself wondering since "why me, why is?" "Why does our family have to struggle" "He's 37 weeks, 37 weeks is term, why can't he come home"
I've spent the last three days in a series of emotion, some happy, and lots of grieving. I grieve tint having the pregnancy i imagined. I am bitter and angry that I lost those 5 weeks. I am saddened that my body wasn't able to give Sutter a better environment to grow. I am angry my placenta decided to develop PreEclampsia. I am heartbroken that my son spends his days in the hospital, and that at this point we have no idea when he will be coming home.
I am so sad about all of the above. It's a lot to process and to filter through, but anytime i think of any of these things i can't help but cry. I feel robbed, I feel like i am climbing an uphill battle with no end in sight. I am worried I'm not strong enough for any of this. I grieve everything I lost in this pregnancy. I get angry that at 37 weeks, my baby wasn't able to go home. I wish someone had prepared me for that. Overall, i just wish my pregnancy had been less eventful, that my labor had been less eventful, and that Sutter was able to join us at home, upon my discharge. I am really struggling to process it all, and make sense of it. But it's so hard, I feel so broken, down to my core.
I plan on seeing a counselor and talking to them asap. I am talking to my OB on Thursday as wells
I am having an incredibly hard time the past 5 days. I am really struggling understanding everything that happened this pregnancy, and why it had to happen to me. My wife and I fought for 2 years to get pregnant, month after month of disappointment, and then finally I got pregnant in June. It was the best day of my life but also the scariest, I was going to be a mom, we were going to be parents. We spent the next 5 months preparing, processing, and getting ready. In December my family threw us the most amazing baby shower, and we were on cloud nine. Then New Years Eve hit, our 10 year dating anniversary, and I was officially diagnosed with PreEclampsia, I was only 32 weeks pregnant at that point, and was admitted to the hospital for the next 5 weeks. It took me about 3 days to really understand what had happened. I was told that if my blood pressure didn't stabilize or if i got any worse they would induce me at any point. About 3 days into my stay there the baby started not performing well on the NSTs, so we ended up doing biweekly BPPs which were always passed with flying colors. Each week that passed, the happier I got. Everyone told me and made me feel like if i just got to 37 weeks the baby would be a full term baby and everything would be okay, and we'd get to go home just like a typical delivery, so I kept fighting, and kept pushing for 37 weeks, I got sicker, my blood pressure Meds kept going up, I got more tired, more irritable, my placenta started going rogue. Finally, the morning of 2/2 the exact date of 37 weeks, my goal, and my induction date arrived. I was relieved and thankful, thinking it just a mere 48 hours all of us would be going home as a family, finally. I cried tears of joy that morning along with tears of fear.
At promptly 7a that morning, they wheeled me to labor and delivery, as I was quickly going downhill, my BP that morning was 182/102, the highest it had been in weeks, I had developed a headache that wouldn't disappear, and felt sicker than I had any of the previous 5 weeks. Once in labor and delivery my wife started playing our music playlist that she had worked on for weeks, and totaled 16 hours of music, by 9a the pitocin started, and at 9:05a they gave me the bad news that I would be placed on Magnesium Sulfate. Mag is used to prevent seizures and strokes in PreEclampsia patients, which is great, but I knew the side effects and I broke down. With magnesium you aren't allowed to eat/drink, you're not allowed to move from bed, your veins feel as though they are on fire, your body feels as though it is burning up, you're dizzy, you're tired, your nauseated in some ways it's like the worst hangover of your life, the worst part is that you're on the Mag for 24 hours from your time of delivery, so if you Labor for 36 hours, you still have an additional 24.
The magnesium hit me like a ton of bricks and I spent the next 6 hours drifting in and out of sleep, anxiously awaiting to feel a change, or even a cramp, and nothing happened, no progress was being made. The sweetest nurse informed me of this, when she came in to tell me that she didn't think I could safely have proceed with a vaginal delivery, as with each tiny contraction I had, and trust me they were tiny, I've had periods worse than what I was feeling, that the baby's heart rate was dipping much lower than they'd like, and that the baby was already stressed, and would likely not make it through delivery so she was thinking a c-section, and immediately turned off the pitocin until she could speak with my medical team. Less than 15 minutes later I was swarmed with at least 7 people informing me of what was happening, and that the c-section would be taking place as soon as the OR was cleaned.
The next twenty minutes blurred on by, I got a new IV site, and was wheeled into the OR. I have never seen so many people work together so efficiently. While being prepped in the OR I start sobbing hysterically, already grieving the loss of a vaginal delivery, and terrified of what is to come. The nurse calms me down while the spinal block is placed, bless her heart she was a sweet pea. Eventually, I am all prepped, and my wife comes back to the room. The surgery had started way before I even realized it had, as we were just talking, and very excited to be going home in a few short days. Finally I hear the time of birth announced 4:47p! My wife stands to tell me the gender but sits back down bc she can't see, I say something like "You're not going to tell me?! ". She stands again and says "Sutter is here, omg it's a boy". I was so surprised, everyone had convinced me it was a girl! My wife and i hold hands and cry.
They quickly take Sutter over to the warmer bed, and begin to check him over. He's a little sluggish because of the magnesium. I see them giving him oxygen to try and open his lungs, eventually he cries. The neonatal team quickly brings him over to us. We take a quick photo of him and she tells us they are taking him back to the NICU to clean him up and get the magnesium out of his system. My wife leaves the OR to go tell our family and friends waiting the gender of the baby.
I am wheeled back to my room in L&D and am told that I won't be able to see Sutter for at least 24 hours. I cried again, but this one was an angry cry. How could I not see my baby, how could I not do skin to skin, how could I not breastfeed immediately? My wife - Julie made her way back to the room and told me that Sutter was put on a CPAP to help him breathe and a feeding tube to help him eat so that I could breastfeed after the 24 hours was up. My family came in one by one after they went back to see Sutter. Julie did take video of each one meeting him for the first time. Hearing them say how cute or sweet he was broke my heart, as i was still counting down the hours to see him.
That night i started pumping breast milk and actually got very sick from the magnesium. It wasn't a good night.
The next morning and afternoon passed quickly and Sutter was still in the NICU, but we were hopeful he'd come up to the newborn nursery sooner than later - he didn't.
Approx 27 hours post delivery I was able to finally hold my son for the first time. It was extremely emotional, and at that moment what i had lost to get to this point really hit me.
Sutter spent the remainder of the week in the NICU, and each day I became sadder and sadder. I started to realize that just because I had made it to full term with a 37 week baby, that my body had actually failed him. It failed him in a way that caused him to be born at 5lbs, and needing extra help. I just realized that even though 37 weeks is term, he was still early, and that our journey wasn't over like I had been led to believe and had hoped it would.
On Sunday 2/5 I was offically discharged from the hospital, but my son was just starting his journey. That evening they transferred him from NICU BAY 3 to NICU Bay 5 which is where the most stable infants are placed. That evening I spent several hours just watching him, in total aw, while he was under the bili lights for jaundice. Eventually, it was time for us to leave the hospital.... simply put leaving the hospital without your baby is absolutely the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I cried myself to sleep that night, and have kept myself wondering since "why me, why is?" "Why does our family have to struggle" "He's 37 weeks, 37 weeks is term, why can't he come home"
I've spent the last three days in a series of emotion, some happy, and lots of grieving. I grieve tint having the pregnancy i imagined. I am bitter and angry that I lost those 5 weeks. I am saddened that my body wasn't able to give Sutter a better environment to grow. I am angry my placenta decided to develop PreEclampsia. I am heartbroken that my son spends his days in the hospital, and that at this point we have no idea when he will be coming home.
I am so sad about all of the above. It's a lot to process and to filter through, but anytime i think of any of these things i can't help but cry. I feel robbed, I feel like i am climbing an uphill battle with no end in sight. I am worried I'm not strong enough for any of this. I grieve everything I lost in this pregnancy. I get angry that at 37 weeks, my baby wasn't able to go home. I wish someone had prepared me for that. Overall, i just wish my pregnancy had been less eventful, that my labor had been less eventful, and that Sutter was able to join us at home, upon my discharge. I am really struggling to process it all, and make sense of it. But it's so hard, I feel so broken, down to my core.
I plan on seeing a counselor and talking to them asap. I am talking to my OB on Thursday as wells
