Advice columnist on not hating your spouse after baby

[sdlaura]

I don't know why I thought to look this up today, but for some reason I was thinking about how hard it sometimes is to connect with your spouse after having a baby (maybe it was the thread about how all our spouses are already not necessarily stepping up .

Carolyn Hax writes for the Washington Post and is syndicated nationwide, so some of you may have read her stuff.  I think she gives great advice and I used to read her online chats on Fridays.  A pregnant woman asked a question where she said she was debating whether to go back to work after baby (but that didn't end up being the point of the question) and how not to hate her spouse, like most of her new-mom friends did.  And I thought Carolyn Hax's response was awesome, so I've held on to it.  In case anyone is interested, here's the link...hopefully it takes you straight to the question titled "Grass is Greener?"

live.washingtonpost.com/carolyn-hax-live-130104.html#2425316

[honda13]

Very nice. I can honestly say the months after DD was born were the hardest! It was probably the worst point in our relationship. I keep trying expecting MH to know what I needed done instead of asking for his help. I would get so mad he didn't just know what to do or know that I needed help. The problem was I ASSUMED he should know. That was the problem. I wasn't communicating what I needed.

[sdlaura]

ITA on the communication thing, honda13. I use her advice on saying things like "I just need to sit down for a minute, but I will take care of the dishes/picking up the toys/making lunches/whatever." Half the time DH doesn't even notice that there is something that needs to be done, but me saying it that way means that half the time he will just go ahead and do it, and I didn't even need to ask him.

[honda13]

Mar 6, 2017 18:40:23 GMT -5 sdlaura said:

ITA on the communication thing, honda13. I use her advice on saying things like "I just need to sit down for a minute, but I will take care of the dishes/picking up the toys/making lunches/whatever." Half the time DH doesn't even notice that there is something that needs to be done, but me saying it that way means that half the time he will just go ahead and do it, and I didn't even need to ask him.

That's my husband. Doesn't notice there are dishes, etc.

[teachermomtobe]

DH always notices what needs to be done and does it which is nice but at times makes me feel guilty like I'm not doing anything. (DH doesn't make me feel guilty but him doing things does) I think after baby I will definitely have to utilize the "I will do the dishes but need to sit for a minute" but so that he doesn't do everything leaving me feeling guilty.

[PA Mom]

I agree with her wholeheartedly. Most of our disagreements were based on being tired and not communicating what we needed. I need a decent stretch of sleep to make life bearable so I would purposely pump to have one bottle to feed DD at night so as soon as her 8/9 o'clock feeding was done I would crash and DH would do the next feeding with the pumped bottle. Once I started getting that little stretch of sleep, I became a lot more reasonable and it made me appreciate DH even more.

[starsandshamrocks123]

Will have to check this out later

[ihatepizza]

teachermomtobe, this is my DH too, especially now that I'm on bedrest. My guilt eats me alive and I worry that I will overdo it trying to "keep up" with him

[eucalyptus]

Thanks for sharing this! With all the excitement and anxiety about a new baby, it's easy to forget we have to support each other too.

[cheezee]

Thanks for sharing this. It is so hard with a new baby. The lack of sleep and all the pp hormones can really do a number on you! I'm really worried that H's main responsibly after baby comes will be taking care of DD while I handle the baby. I'm worried that will bring on a whole new set of feelings this time around.

[agm04]

There's some great advice there. I was so unreasonable for the first year of DD's life - I really hope I can do it differently this time.

[marshian]

Good article. I sent to my H to read as well. Neither of us do well with little to no sleep, but he's particularly cranky and impatient if he's not getting enough sleep or food. We're going to have to find a way to let the other know they need to chill and change their tone without making it worse. Ideas?

[honda13]

marshian, MH and I had a "code word" that was basically a signal for any of the following and then some:
-This conversation is done until we get our emotions in check
-This argument is stupid and I'm getting ridiculously pissed
-Drop it. Seriously drop it.
-You're being an ass, check yourself

[agm04]

Mar 7, 2017 14:46:24 GMT -5 marshian said:

Good article. I sent to my H to read as well. Neither of us do well with little to no sleep, but he's particularly cranky and impatient if he's not getting enough sleep or food. We're going to have to find a way to let the other know they need to chill and change their tone without making it worse. Ideas?

We're still working on this 2 years in.  I often ask for a break from a conversation when I can feel myself heating up, but it's hard for him to go with that.  We are both stubborn.  It's not easy.

[sdlaura]

Mar 7, 2017 15:56:23 GMT -5 agm04 said:

Mar 7, 2017 14:46:24 GMT -5 marshian said:

Good article. I sent to my H to read as well. Neither of us do well with little to no sleep, but he's particularly cranky and impatient if he's not getting enough sleep or food. We're going to have to find a way to let the other know they need to chill and change their tone without making it worse. Ideas?

We're still working on this 2 years in.  I often ask for a break from a conversation when I can feel myself heating up, but it's hard for him to go with that.  We are both stubborn.  It's not easy.

Same - it's a continuous struggle but something we've continued to improve on.  DH's argument MO is that he gets pissed and storms off and shuts down, while if I get pissed I start crying, and then he gets more upset that he feels bad for making me cry   We've gotten way better at just separating ourselves until we cool down.

For us, DH doesn't get less sleep with a new baby, and that's one of the ways we (I?) have made the new baby stage work.  I can count on one hand the number of times I've woken him up to help with a baby - only on the few occasions when I had been rocking a fussy baby for a really really long time and felt like I might lose it, or when a kid puked/pooped everywhere and I needed him to either bathe the baby or change the sheets while I was bathing the baby.  Because I was nursing, and he couldn't really do too much anyway, and because he doesn't do well on limited sleep and has to get up for work at 4:45 am, I just handle the night stuff.  I also sleep trained relatively early and my kids slept 10+ hours per night by like 6-8 months - so if there had been a longer period of interrupted sleep I would have asked for more of a night contribution from him, I'm sure. 

I decided a while ago that if I try too hard to make everything completely "fair," no one is happy.  If I acknowledge that we have different energy levels and that his 100% is different than my 100%, everyone is much happier.