I wish I would have known...

[ceejay]

What are some things you know now that you wish you had known at the beginning of your foster care or adoption journey? 

What would you go back in time and tell yourself?

What is some advice you would give to new foster parents, new adoptive parents, and/or people considering foster care/adoption?

[spooko]

Oh, so many things. I wish I would have known just how hellish of a rollercoaster ride it would be. I wish I would have known it'd be ok in the end. I wish I would have known that the minute finalization occurred all the turmoil would melt away. I wish I would have known that there was no sense in listening to the SWers about what was happening in the case or the timelines or anything, really, because it would change constantly.

My advice would be to go in with open eyes, as much as possible without having been through it. It's a really gut wrenching, long process. It'll be worth it in the end, but the road to the end can seem impossible.

[ceejay]

Apr 6, 2017 12:11:21 GMT -5 spooko said:

Oh, so many things. I wish I would have known just how hellish of a rollercoaster ride it would be. I wish I would have known it'd be ok in the end. I wish I would have known that the minute finalization occurred all the turmoil would melt away. I wish I would have known that there was no sense in listening to the SWers about what was happening in the case or the timelines or anything, really, because it would change constantly.

My advice would be to go in with open eyes, as much as possible without having been through it. It's a really gut wrenching, long process. It'll be worth it in the end, but the road to the end can seem impossible.

Thanks for sharing, spooko. I have a lot of similar thoughts though we are still very much on the rollercoaster! 

Can you remind me of your story? You adopted from foster care?

[spooko]

Apr 6, 2017 12:21:44 GMT -5 ceejay said:

Apr 6, 2017 12:11:21 GMT -5 spooko said:

Oh, so many things. I wish I would have known just how hellish of a rollercoaster ride it would be. I wish I would have known it'd be ok in the end. I wish I would have known that the minute finalization occurred all the turmoil would melt away. I wish I would have known that there was no sense in listening to the SWers about what was happening in the case or the timelines or anything, really, because it would change constantly.

My advice would be to go in with open eyes, as much as possible without having been through it. It's a really gut wrenching, long process. It'll be worth it in the end, but the road to the end can seem impossible.

Thanks for sharing, spooko . I have a lot of similar thoughts though we are still very much on the rollercoaster! 

Can you remind me of your story? You adopted from foster care?

Short version (will share long if you're interested): Kinship placement through the foster care system nightmare. Was COMPLETELY unprepared for the whole thing. DS was my nephew. Informally took physical custody of him from my sister bc she was in a rough spot. Thought in a month or something she'd have her head on straight. NOPE. County moved to legally remove DS just before he turned 1. BPs inconsistently worked the perm plan for 2.5 years before we finally got our TPR trial (that was supposedly coming soon after the first year) and all said and done, finalization didn't happen until just prior to DS turning 4! All the while we were told visits were increasing, we're nearly ready to TPR, next month will be overnights, the parents may sign off....on and on. Fuck the whole process right in the ear.

[akafred]

IDK if this is about adoption or special needs or what, and it makes me sound so naive. Love isn't enough, and not all problems can be solved. Like, I went into it thinking that everything was a series of problems to be solved. Kid has special needs? Diagnose, treat, problem solved. Had no idea that even the diagnosis phase can last years and the "problem" may never be "solved." That's not to say that there are any regrets or that adopting DD or a child with special needs etc has not been worth it and I don't regret it in any way, I just went into everything very naively.

Also, you have no control. I think underneath it all I am a bit of a control freak, though I never thought of myself that way before this process. IF was frustrating because it seemed like everyone else just decided to try and got pregnant, but it didn't work that way. We were serious at one point about adopting a second time and again, other people decide to start trying again and have a second child, we have to go through all the rigamarole of home studies and getting money together etc. Again, my naïveté is showing. The first time I was like, ok, you have to get a home study, so we'll go get a home study. Never mind that that is 99.9% dependent on OTHER people and their timelines and priorities etc. You just have to let some things go, which is hard. Maybe really hard. Some of it harder than others of course. It is probably easier to get the HS than it is to wait on the courts to do their job, but nearly all of it is out of my personal control.

[theatrepal]

I wish I had known and had been told about watching a birthmom sign her rights away. It was the most beautiful and gut wrenching thing I've ever witnessed. It's what our BM wanted, and I'm glad I did it. I wasn't prepared for my flood of emotions.

I'd go back in time and tell myself it be patient and not get so frustrated. It's a process and the right LO found our family.

Go into the process with your eyes wide open and your heart a bit guarded. It's easy to get swept into a situation and ignore that gut feeling that it isn't the right one. Enjoy every minute of the wait and make memories with your partner. The fun times will get you through and the day your life changes forever you'll be thankful for your time together.

[butlerfan]

Apr 7, 2017 6:42:36 GMT -5 akafred said:

IDK if this is about adoption or special needs or what, and it makes me sound so naive. Love isn't enough, and not all problems can be solved. Like, I went into it thinking that everything was a series of problems to be solved. Kid has special needs? Diagnose, treat, problem solved. Had no idea that even the diagnosis phase can last years and the "problem" may never be "solved." That's not to say that there are any regrets or that adopting DD or a child with special needs etc has not been worth it and I don't regret it in any way, I just went into everything very naively.

Also, you have no control. I think underneath it all I am a bit of a control freak, though I never thought of myself that way before this process. IF was frustrating because it seemed like everyone else just decided to try and got pregnant, but it didn't work that way. We were serious at one point about adopting a second time and again, other people decide to start trying again and have a second child, we have to go through all the rigamarole of home studies and getting money together etc. Again, my naïveté is showing. The first time I was like, ok, you have to get a home study, so we'll go get a home study. Never mind that that is 99.9% dependent on OTHER people and their timelines and priorities etc. You just have to let some things go, which is hard. Maybe really hard. Some of it harder than others of course. It is probably easier to get the HS than it is to wait on the courts to do their job, but nearly all of it is out of my personal control.

OMG this exactly. I have always been a planner. It is driving me crazy not being able to plan.  And then last minute changes all the time. Yesterday BP said running late with the kids for drop off at our house. She dropped them off 40 minutes late!

[butlerfan]

There are good case workers and there are "bad" caseworkers-it can make all the difference in how you case is handled. That as foster parents they know they are safe with you but they don't listen at all which leads to frustration. That the kids are worth it always.

[spooko]

Apr 7, 2017 8:32:17 GMT -5 butlerfan said:

There are good case workers and there are "bad" caseworkers-it can make all the difference in how you case is handled. That as foster parents they know they are safe with you but they don't listen at all which leads to frustration. That the kids are worth it always.

To expound on this, good caseworkers can make mistakes. HUGE mistakes. It's important to stay involved and kind of keep on top of things.

[pinkie]

For our first adoption I definitely would go back and tell myself to stop stressing and worrying that it never would happen and to trust when the time was right it would happen. I would tell myself to enjoy life and not spend 1.5 years of my life sad and to just enjoy some extra child free time because you never get that chance again once you are a parent.

It's funny for us we were very chill and relaxed the second time and we were matched in a month . Then I became worried and stressed about having kids 19 months apart. That worry was warranted lol.

Finally I would tell myself that becoming a parent is totally the most awesome thing but it's also really hard. And that your life doesn't become perfect just because you have kids. Your life changes forever in wonderful ways but parenting is hard!

[ceejay]

Apr 7, 2017 8:32:17 GMT -5 butlerfan said:

There are good case workers and there are "bad" caseworkers-it can make all the difference in how you case is handled. That as foster parents they know they are safe with you but they don't listen at all which leads to frustration. That the kids are worth it always.

YES YES YES. We started out with a wonderful caseworker who kept us informed, advocated for us, and looked out for the best interests of our boys. Then we got transferred to a new caseworker when he was hired at our agency. He was so disorganized and unhelpful, and we cut him some slack for the longest time, thinking he was new and still learning. No, it turns out he was just terrible at his job. Eventually the disorganization turned into blatant lying (to us and in court) and doing everything for the bio parents that they were supposed to be doing on their own. We raised concerns for months before anything was done, and we were lucky that our GAL finally stepped into the situation to bring to light what the caseworker was doing. That caseworker ended up getting fired, and we have our first (wonderful) caseworker back on our boys' case.

I'm thankful and relieved our situation worked out the way it did, but I know it doesn't for many others. Cases are mismanaged all the time, and the best interests of the children are not always put first. If our bad caseworker had remained on the case, I have no doubt that it would have at the very least extended the case unnecessarily for many months, and at worst it would have sent our foster sons home to a very unsafe situation.

[ceejay]

I wish I had known that much of the stress of foster parenting comes from dealing with the rollercoaster of changes and unknowns and dealing with others in foster care system, not just from parenting kids with difficult pasts.

In our training classes and everything we did to prepare for fostering, we learned a lot about parenting kids with trauma histories and everything that came with that - problem behaviors, acting out, emotional delays, etc. I'm pretty sure we believed that any of the stress of being a foster parent would come from dealing with "difficult" kids. While that is certainly true for many cases, our kids came into foster care at very young ages and (so far) haven't had a lot of trauma related issues.

I'm definitely thankful that our kids are well adjusted and didn't experience too much trauma before coming to us, but I guess I'm just saying that I didn't really understand how broken the foster care system is and how so much stress can come from dealing with the caseworkers, courts, bio families, etc. I had this naive picture in my mind of what foster care looked like and learned pretty quickly that that was not the case. 

[butlerfan]

ceejay....yes to thinking it was all dealing with the stress of kids. How dumb was I thinking that. That is the "easiest" part

[akafred]

Apr 7, 2017 21:03:23 GMT -5 ceejay said:

I wish I had known that much of the stress of foster parenting comes from dealing with the rollercoaster of changes and unknowns and dealing with others in foster care system, not just from parenting kids with difficult pasts.

In our training classes and everything we did to prepare for fostering, we learned a lot about parenting kids with trauma histories and everything that came with that - problem behaviors, acting out, emotional delays, etc. I'm pretty sure we believed that any of the stress of being a foster parent would come from dealing with "difficult" kids. While that is certainly true for many cases, our kids came into foster care at very young ages and (so far) haven't had a lot of trauma related issues.

I'm definitely thankful that our kids are well adjusted and didn't experience too much trauma before coming to us, but I guess I'm just saying that I didn't really understand how broken the foster care system is and how so much stress can come from dealing with the caseworkers, courts, bio families, etc. I had this naive picture in my mind of what foster care looked like and learned pretty quickly that that was not the case. 

YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!

[lbey]

This will be related to Foster to adopt older kids with Special Needs.

I wish I knew more about Social Services, Waivers, IEPs, and what places can offer the services I might need for my child. 
I wish I knew I could actually tell people to F-off and just take care of my kid. I wish I knew about the support groups I know now.
I wish I knew I should pick my battles, relax more, and enjoy my child because some things are just not worth my time...

And Yes, love is not all you need. Love does not fix a person. Love does not make a child forget the past and diagnoses desapear. 

[redandblue]

What a nice thread. I guess when I think back (only two years ago, but feels like a lifetime), like others, I wish I had known that it would all work out in the way it is meant to. Like we were extremely fortunate with our process and placement, but during it there were so many unknowns that it consumed me at times. I also wish I had known that there are lots of things that the social workers do to prepare you, but there are still lots of things that we as parents needed to know and understand on our own. I also could never have known how wonderful it would feel to expand our family, not only by our sweet little boy, but by his bio-sibs and their family. To be thrust into this atypical, wonderful, awkward, amazing new level of family. We still navigate how our relationships work (especially since they live about 8 hours away), but it is so wonderful. I also wish I had known how deeply I would care for and love M's birth mom, even though she has a difficult life, and we have only met once, I think about her daily. My heart aches to have some level of a relationship with her, for her to know that there are people who truly love and care about her. The different level of understanding and compassion that the adoption process provides you is so difficult to comprehend for those who have not gone through it. That everyone has a story, has a past, that brings them to the place they are in, and how they have come to be apart of our lives.