Why I'm Over Work-Life Balance....And What I Do Instead

[mae0111]

What do you think of this article?  It seems... I don't know... awfully pessimistic to me, and a little dismissive... but I feel like I'm looking at it through a certain lens, and I'd love to hear other opinions...


www.linkedin.com/pulse/why-im-over-work-life-balance-sallie-krawcheck

[akafred]

I don't feel like she told us what she does instead. She just basically said she doesn't bother and it sounds like she leans toward work moreso than family. Which makes sense for a CEO. But it doesn't make sense for a lot of working moms. And it doesn't make sense for me.

[2chatter]

Was that a Scary Mommy article? I feel like it was one of those that never got to the point.

For me, work-life balance isn't something I measure by the day or week or month - it's the overall feeling and ability for me to execute what I decide needs to be done in both roles. This week that looked like two ortho appointments for me Monday and working an hour that night, a doctors appt for me after work Tuesday, a half day today to attend a PT conference for DS (spoiler- anticlimactic) and cardiologist for DD, an ortho follow up for me tomorrow and Kinder sneak peak for DS in what would be the last hour of my workday, but I will return home and work until DD's 7:30 playoff game. I'm off Friday for a weekend trip to go to VA.

But next week I'm in NY and will be in meeting 7:00-6:00, except Wednesday when we have a dinner too - and Thursday when I won't get home until 11:00PM.

It all balances out for me in the end, but feels truly insane some weeks.

[tas1883]

I don't agree with it and I agree with akafred, that she doesn't tell us what she does instead.
For me there are times when work takes the lead and everything else gets pushed back until the deadline is met and then things balance back out and DD and home become equal or more important than work. I also know what works for me won't work for someone else. I would love to know how many dads struggle with this concept.

[olenka]

Hmmm... There's not much "there" there in that article. I've chosen a pretty undemanding career at this point in my life, because that's what works for me, and I've never been all that career-driven in the first place. So I guess my struggle with work-life balance isn't much of one.

[mommyatty]

I felt like this had little to do with work-life balance and a lot to do with giving up on being The Perfect Mom. I admit that I too have given up on that, in part because I think it's not good for my kids. I don't have big themed birthday parties at my house with handmade parting gifts for the children; I go to Chuck E Cheese. I don't make cute lunches anymore; I let DH make Soviet-style utilitarian lunches. Dinner doesn't always involve a vegetable, but it is eaten at the table with a lot of talking and laughing.

And yes to seeking balance over the long term like 2chatter said. None of my days are balanced but I'm trying to ensure my life overall is.

[polecat8]

2chatter, your schedule sounds exhausting. I don't know how you do it. You are a super mom!

For me, I believe the work-life balance is making sure you can take part in your family's lives when you need to be there. For example, I like to volunteer at my daughter's school. If a big project isn't going on, I am able to do that. My company encourages the work-life balance. I set limits on what I am available for both at work and at home. I'm very lucky that I can work from home, re-arrange my schedule if needed, and take vacation on an as-needed basis.
However, when it comes time to finish a project, all bets are off. I'm willing to do what it takes to meet a deadline (i.e. working late, on weekends).

It would be interesting to know what is expected of employees in different industries. I'm in a software engineering environment that tends to throw a lot of perks at the employees to encourage this balance or an employee is able to quickly find another company that does have them.

[akafred]

At my company, the younger men in management pretty much all have wives who stay home with the kids. Many of them home school, from what I've seen. However, the female managers all have husbands who work full time. So how the individual managers let that translate to their expectations for their employees varies. Many of the men seem sympathetic to the fact that women don't have a SAH spouse and need some flex time and time off for the kids, whereas a lot of the women are actually less willing to allow it IME. It's almost like they are resentful they don't/didn't get that. It's unfortunate. But of course it doesn't extend across the board. Some of the men have their heads up their butts and don't recognize why women might need a little extra time, and many of the women are understanding.

Balance to me means I work 40 hours, more or less. It means if my DD wakes up before I leave (normally she wakes a little after I leave) that I can stay and cuddle her for 15 minutes and not panic that someone at work is watching my clock, that they trust I will eat lunch at my desk to make up for it one day and won't make snide comments. That if I want to work from home occasionally I can and no one will side eye me. That I can work extra hours to get a project done but it won't be expected too often. That I can work 7:30-4:30 without people looking at me funny. And I don't have to worry that I can't see a dentist when my tooth aches because I just missed 2 hours of work for my annual physical last week. And at my company that means I don't go into management, because the minimal expectation there is about 50 hours.

[librarychica]

I don't feel like she was discussing balance at all. I mean, yes, the term "work-life balance" is pretty vague and kinda privileged and often hard to relate to. But she isn't talking about balancing her time here, imo. She's talking about accepting ones strengths, weaknesses, making choices and moving along with them. All good things.

That said, I am a little drunk and she annoyed me for some reason.

Also +whatever to looking at how things balance across the long term.

[mama2a]

I like the message she was saying but it is a bit depressing. I agree for me work-life balance is more of a feeling than anything else. It has little to do with being a perfect mom and more to do with having the ability to be myself and not let those interests be sacrificed Right now I feel stretched too thin and too in demand. I started a Spanish class last week for 7 weeks. It meets 1.5 hours a week for 1 evening/week. There was a 5 page worksheet homework assignment to do and it was so frustrating that I couldn't find the time to finish it. I had to sneak in 10 minutes here and there all week to get it done...that seems pathetic. I wound up spending 15 minutes doing it during work hours--whoops.

As the author seems to imply, I need to let go of this notion that I'm going to have all my s*** together. I keep looking at my 3-year old's nearly empty baby book and telling myself "oh yeah, I need to get that done", or the smudge on the kitchen cabinets that needs some elbow grease and has been like that for weeks. I have to stay on top of birthday gifts, planning food dishes for work or home parties, etc. My brain is full from just trying to stay afloat. Maybe I would feel less overwhelmed if I gave myself permission to not do some of those things....but then I get mad at the inflexibility I have at work that forces me to put work before anything else. So I don't know what the answer is. A little of both?

[seamonster]

I think her way of balancing has been to give up on the life part in favor of the work part. Not saying anyone has to be super mom, but her goal is to be a mediocre parent on a good day. That doesn't sound like balance.

Jessica Williams had a good article a few years ago about leaning away. I don't know why the conversation is rarely about not letting things for work go in favor of things for your life. I'm not saying to be a bad employee, but maybe we don't all need to be stars who neglect their personal life.

[CoverGirl82]

I continue to hope that increases in workplace flexibility allow parents to have the balance of work and family that works for them. I have stayed in my department at work because I do have a lot more flexibility to work from home when the kids are sick or have a snow day, or to go to a school activity, have a 9/80 schedule so that I feel like I can actually have time to enjoy my family on the weekends and not be running errands half of my weekend.

A manager role became available in my department about 6 months ago. DH was pressuring me to apply for it, because it would be more money and eligible for a 10% incentive (I am not eligible for an incentive in my current role). After a lot of thought, I told him that I didn't think I could be the mom I wanted to be if I had to work an additional 5-10 hours a week on a regular basis, and maybe 20+ extra hours per week during our busy time.

Similar to what mama2a said, I feel stretched thin as it is right now that it's hard for me to find time to do anything I enjoy (outside of reading or watching a show for 30 minutes before I fall asleep). I used to play the classical guitar and violin, and I really miss doing that.

[justcheckingin73]

I realize she said she is OK with being a mediocre mom and has told her kids that (and I do agree that we can't be perfect at everything) but she came off as really selfish. She's not good at birthday cards, gifts and evening school events. I'm not sure if she was saying she has just given up on those but a lot of people aren't good at remembering those things. And they come up reminders because those things are important to people.

And the last line about her dd saying she wants to invest to close the gender gap...eye roll worthy.

I also agree with 2chatter, that it's an overall balance. It's not that everyday is the same amount of work vs family time, it's that it balances out over time. I left a really demanding job to take one that allows more flexibility and less travel. I also don't have aspirations to be a VP or CEO so that makes a difference. As a CEO, she isn't coming from the place of an average working mother.

[billybumbler]

She seem like she's gonna have some good points but then doesn't flesh them out. I agree that a lot of times the work life balance conversation comes from a place of privilege. A lot of the time People who live paycheck to paycheck and need the job to keep food on the table and pay rent are afraid to lose said job if they ask to leave early and whatnot so it's not even a thing for them.

I agree with mommyatty, I let so much go. And now that I'm an adult I see that my parents did the same but guess what? I barely remember that stuff. And now they are both very well known in their fields and their work has made a difference to many people which makes me so proud of them.

[akafred]

Apr 27, 2017 7:40:03 GMT -5 seamonster said:

I think her way of balancing has been to give up on the life part in favor of the work part. Not saying anyone has to be super mom, but her goal is to be a mediocre parent on a good day. That doesn't sound like balance.

Jessica Williams had a good article a few years ago about leaning away. I don't know why the conversation is rarely about not letting things for work go in favor of things for your life. I'm not saying to be a bad employee, but maybe we don't all need to be stars who neglect their personal life.

I agree with you, but to play devil's advocate, I had a therapist tell me that we should really be achieving 20% as parents, meaning that we all have opportunities to be the "magazine parent" with the perfect responses to questions and the perfect amount of nurturing-without-spoiling upon middle of the night wakeups and the perfect Pinterest birthday party and the perfect patience to deal with behaviors etc etc etc, but that it we get it right just 20% of the time, we are "good" parents. So that gave me permission not to worry about the times I do lose my cool or trip over my response to hard questions. That doesn't mean I don't aim for 100% though...or maybe 75%. Sounds like she is aiming for 25% and that's not great.

Of course it also depends how you define "good mom." Maybe she has no trouble with staying patient or answering hard questions but just means that she lets the kids buy school lunches or packs lunchables, orders off Etsy instead of Pinteresting everything.

[judyblume14]

I did not find this article helpful or informative.

Like PPs have said, my focus shifts from time to time. Like, I was on maternity leave, and it was all Life! Life! Life! And now as I'm easing back in, I feel relatively balanced. Next month when budget planning starts, it'll be Work! Work! Work!

I try to be the best mom and wife that I can be. I try to pay attention to my own needs. I try to be a great employee. I often fall short all around, but it's all in stages.

ETA - also, everything that akafred said.

[2chatter]

akafred 's post triggered a related topic for me. Has anyone seen women abuse the flex in the name of family? It always really pains me. The best example is a direct that scheduled her son for a guitar lesson in the middle of the workday in summer right in the middle of the large weekly project meeting. She told me that I probably didn't understand how hard it was to be a single parent (to a 12 year old) - when I had just married, but had been a single parent to DD and DD (tiny infant and preschooler). And she KNEW that. I would never have scheduled something for my kids during a standing work call. An emergency, and miss a meeting? Of course!

Anyway, it's also hard to balance the balance as a manager...

If they had Uber for kids ...

[mlee116]

I agree with most of the PPs. I feel like she's not really talking about work-life balance and is basically accepting her strengths and weaknesses as a mother and giving up perfection. It's a good point, but it's not revolutionary. Honestly, I think this is something all moms have to do, not just working moms.

I also agree that she is a little dismissive. Like, oh well, there's nothing I can do about work-life balance so it is what it is. Yes, if you work, there are times like many of you said that deadlines, meetings, etc. come first and you have little control in that. But there are other times where you the choice to not lean in or pass up on an opportunity because they won't work best for your family. You don't just wind up as a CEO, KWIM?

That said, I feel like work-life balance is a "you do you" thing. I am pretty happy with my work-life balance, but others may think I'm not leaning in as much as I should. I don't earn as much and haven't climbed the ranks like some of my peers, but I made certain choices to have a life I am happy with.

[mommyatty]

I haven't seen women abuse flex in name of family, but I have seen some ML abuse, which makes me ragey. There have been a number of women who said they were taking 6-8 weeks, called the last week and extended to 12, then called the last week to try to renegotiate their jobs (part time, work from home, go contract), then quit. Only one was a FTM so it's not like they didn't know what working motherhood was like.

I spend a lot of time as a manager talking to all employees about balance. My industry is hard-charging, so people burn out. I'm trying to change that. It's very possible to be a great employee who achieves while also having a life outside of work. I tell that to single, married, male, female, parents and non-parents.

[welly01]

I found this article annoying and mostly a plug for her company. Also, I think being a CEO you kind of have to give up some of the flexibility that lower staff might have.

I think right now I have a great work-life balance. I have a generous amount of PTO and am able to leave early for appointments for myself/kids. But there's also been times when I've had to work late. DS had his first field trip last month and I couldn't go because it was right during my busy week. But we all survived and I'm sure he had a blast without me. I do wish my position allowed for part time, even 3/4 time would be awesome.

[akafred]

Apr 27, 2017 9:23:57 GMT -5 2chatter said:

akafred 's post triggered a related topic for me. Has anyone seen women abuse the flex in the name of family? It always really pains me. The best example is a direct that scheduled her son for a guitar lesson in the middle of the workday in summer right in the middle of the large weekly project meeting. She told me that I probably didn't understand how hard it was to be a single parent (to a 12 year old) - when I had just married, but had been a single parent to DD and DD (tiny infant and preschooler). And she KNEW that. I would never have scheduled something for my kids during a standing work call. An emergency, and miss a meeting? Of course!

Anyway, it's also hard to balance the balance as a manager...

If they had Uber for kids ...

Before I got my current job I worked with a guy I call "the burglar" because he just robs me of my time and energy and patience. Horrible guy to work with. I'm sure incomplained about him many times. Anyway, his other nickname was Mr. Guitar. Apparently years ago he had a weekly meeting on his calendar called "guitar." When asked what it was, he revealed he was taking guitar lessons. During company time. Every single week.

It wasn't in the name of parenting or balance for him; he had a SAHW. It was in the name of him just being really dumb.

[2chatter]

Omg - what is wrong with people!??

And I have a total double standard - if I run or hit the gym instead of going to lunch that appointment is so set to private!

[saraml13]

Apr 27, 2017 10:22:47 GMT -5 welly01 said:

I found this article annoying and mostly a plug for her company. Also, I think being a CEO you kind of have to give up some of the flexibility that lower staff might have.

I think right now I have a great work-life balance. I have a generous amount of PTO and am able to leave early for appointments for myself/kids. But there's also been times when I've had to work late. DS had his first field trip last month and I couldn't go because it was right during my busy week. But we all survived and I'm sure he had a blast without me. I do wish my position allowed for part time, even 3/4 time would be awesome.

+1 that the whole article just seemed a setup to plug her company. Eye roll at the whole idea of sacrificing work life balance in order to focus on changing the world. Targeting a demographic (women) that has that has been traditionally been underserved by the finance industry isn't exactly finding a cure for cancer or solving world peace.

[chrispy1122]

I sort of liked her article/ad. Work life balance gets thrown around a lot and made me feel like a failure because things just feel so hard (because if you're balanced, things are easier, right?). I decided that I just had to get comfortable with dealing with whatever fire is burning the brightest whether it's at home or at work. If I am able to get a few steps ahead of stuff here and there--win.