Considering Foster to Adopt--Impacts on Bio Kid?

[mama2a]

Hi everyone. We are considering foster to adopt track. We've been TTC for over a year now and I don't doubt at some point we will be pregnant again, but I also have always wanted to adopt so we've decided to begin the process and whatever will be will be. We currently have a 3-year old biological daughter. I read through the FAQs sticky and am going to look into some of the book suggested.

My biggest wonder/concern right now is the impact fostering children will have on my daughter. We will only foster a child that is younger than her. Our hope is foster to adopt, but I recognize it could take several children before we are able to adopt a foster child so I'm curious how that impacts a biological child who sees kids come and go, and who see the stressors placed both on the child and the foster parents. Can anyone share experiences or things to consider as we pursue this foster to adopt track? Thanks!

[akafred]

I don't have a bio kid, just one adopted from foster care as an infant. It was pretty obvious by the time she was 3 that fostering again was not the best choice for her. She is highly intelligent and, though I didn't realize it at the time, she has high anxiety. What this means for her is she thinks through all the what ifs and then has more what ifs and more questions. She was 4 when she decided Jesus didn't really die on the cross and get resurrected; he faked his death and then hid in the cave from the "bad police" so they would think he was gone. I mean, I don't think that possibility EVER occurred to me and here she was coming up with it at 4. So it was pretty obvious to me that she would have issues with the instability of other kids coming and going. She needs a secure attachment and has always been a little adoption-insecure. One of those kiddos who assumes that it's her fault she was adopted because she's too hard to handle. Seeing other kids come in and then leave would undoubtedly cause her some anguish. We strongly considered adopting again but we knew it would have to be a private adoption the second time around. Even now at almost 8 she would love it if we adopted again, but her anxiety is just too strong to put her in that position. ETA another example: When she was 3, there was a place that had an indoor playground. It was awesome, and had drop in child care. She had a couple of incidents of bad behavior so we stopped taking her. They closed later and I found out when she was 5 that she thought it closed because of her.

But that's my child, who has special needs related to and unrelated to adoption. I think any child is going to have some transition adjustment issues whenever someone enters or leaves the home, but for many they can handle it as a fact of life. Some can't. And that is what you as the mom will be in the best position to determine and assess. Most families manage just fine. If you do go down the road and decide it is affecting your daughter negatively, you can stop.

[spooko]

I was the bio kid, but I was also quite a bit older than what your circumstances are, so I don't really feel qualified to speculate what it would be like for your LO.

I do admire your willingness to put her consideration at the forefront though.

[Captain Serious]

The best book I ever read on this topic is Wounded Children, Healing Homes: How Traumatized Children Impact Adoptive and Foster Families. As with most good adoption books, it talks about difficult cases, but not all families will experience all the things discussed in the book.

My husband and I were childless when we adopted my older son, and we went through many of the same things as the families in the book. Then we adopted my younger son and the dynamic changed, and we went through a whole other, and different, transition.

I think the key is being aware of what could happen, open to discussing everything openly, and willing to recognize when you need help.

My family is always talking about fostering in the future. We are waiting for now, because my youngest son still doesn't seem secure enough for us to add a child from a struggling family to our home right now.