Socially awkward here

[akafred]

I attend a once monthly parenting support group for adoptive families. Last month a new family joined, a mom and her 9 year old. We exchanged numbers (her initiation) but honestly I forgot ALL about it as I've had a hectic month. Tonight she opened up more and is in a rough place, feeling overwhelmed as she also has a toddler who's teething and a behaviorally challenged 9 year old and a husband with a very stressful and time consuming job. She sounds like she can really use support, both emotionally and maybe physically (as in babysitting so she can do some self care kind of thing). I reminded her I still have her number and she still has mine and all that kind of thing but I know it'a weird to lean on strangers and all that.

What is an appropriate amount of time to let pass before texting her, and what would be a helpful thing to suggest? Meet up with the kids at a playground, or since I know her DH is off the next 2 weekends and is going to spend time with the older daughter maybe suggest something like meeting for coffee with just the baby or something? I want to be helpful, not a stalker, but I am terrible at this stuff. But she also seems nice and I could use a new mom friend anyway.

[mommyatty]

You have a really good heart.

I would text her tonight or tomorrow and say something like "I was thinking about our conversation at the support group. It sounds like we have a lot in common and I'd love to hang out sometime. Let me know if you'd like to grab coffee this weekend while your hubby has (older daughter) or if you'd like to get the girls together to burn off some energy at the playground." Maybe that would make it more about developing a friendship and feel less like charity for her? I would guess babysitting is something she needs, but probably not until you know each other better, kwim?

Do you think Char and her daughter would play well together? That would be awesome.

[akafred]

It's not intended as "charity" but more as village-building. It really does take a village and there are just not enough people willing or able or aware or something enough to BE each other's village.

Her little girl is a little older than mine, but I think they could get along. Unfortunately from that perspective another family from support group goes to DD's school so I'm sure they probably weren't as inclusive to her daughter as they could have been but I'm sure they would play well one on one.

[mommyatty]

Oh, yeah, I got where you're coming from. But when you're overwhelmed, it's really easy to refuse help for fear of being a burden. I know of what I speak. I'm sure I push people away out of some bizarre mix of exhaustion and social awkwardness and fear that people don't really like me but are trying to be nice and I should politely decline. So what I was getting at is if she understands you could both benefit, maybe she would be more likely to take the hand you're reaching out.

[mlee116]

I agree with mommyatty. I'd text her and invite her for coffee or a playdate.

Personally, when I meet new people, 99% of the time, someone (either me or them) always says "We should get together sometime!" and the other person says "Definitely! Just let me know!" and then no one ever talks about it again. I think it's just a habit or a way to be nice, but it never materializes. Anyways, maybe she hears that a lot too and doesn't know if you are serious about hanging out. I think a specific invitation will get the ball rolling and help you gauge her interest.

I think it's great you are reaching out to her and following through! Build that village

[helenahhandbasket]

I'd say something like "hey I'm going to be at X playground with DD at noon, if you want to swing by we will be there for an hour."

It's non committal and leaves the ball in her court.

I think it's really kind of you to reach out.

[somebabiesmom]

You could also cook something and text her asking, "I made some chocolate chip cookies and want to bring some over to you. When is a good time?" Then you can just relax and chat on the patio or something (b/c you don't want to force the poor woman to clean) and eat cookies.

[billybumbler]

I would do what mommyatty or what helenahhandbasket suggested. Helenah's suggestion is what I usually do.

[2chatter]

I would do what you initially shared - I find people that give me a time and place they will be very offputting. If they want to make plans, cool, we can collaborate - but throwing out a random time that only fits their schedule? Always a no.

So - the other family at your school - drama there?

[Deleted]

mommyatty is wise!

[akafred]

May 10, 2017 12:51:36 GMT -5 2chatter said:

I would do what you initially shared - I find people that give me a time and place they will be very offputting. If they want to make plans, cool, we can collaborate - but throwing out a random time that only fits their schedule? Always a no.

So - the other family at your school - drama there?

No, no drama with the other family. It's a single by choice mama with 3 adopted kids, all of whom I adore (even if DD and the youngest do fight a lot - both very physical and dramatic kids). It's just that it was only the 5 of them - my 1, the newish 9 year old girl, and the other 3 - when they took the kids off to play. So I can imagine the 4 of them probably left the other girl out a little, not intentionally, just because they know each other well since they go to the same school (and are in the same class - it's a mixed age class for first through sixth grades). There were adults there too so I'm sure she wasn't completely alone. I just think DD will play better with her one on one vs with her school chums.

[2chatter]

akafred - would DD remember? It might be worth throwing out there if that did inadvertently happen - this woman's daughter might be like "no thanks she didn't play with me". Navigating social stuff as the kids' cruise director is my least favorite part of parenting, excepting bodily fluids.

[akafred]

Yeah I talked to her about it. I reminded her to make a special effort when someone new comes etc. She said, "Yeah, I know. I did." But yeah. I don't even know for a fact it happened, just assuming. The adults supervising are social workers with therapy backgrounds so I'm sure they jumped in as needed. Honestly they direct too much for my preference.

[apunicorn]

I use the same strategy for mom friends as I did for dating and for all other friendship situations - I don't wait. If I like someone or want to hang out with them for whatever reason, I text right away. And I love it when others do the same! I would agree with others that a playground invitation is perfect.