Thinking about adopting my daughter`s bio brother

[lbey]

Hello All,

Today I am looking for honest opinions, different point of view, and advice! So please share what you think because I would like to think of all scenarios!

Back in August 2015 I was matched with a girl who today is my daughter. When we were learning about her, she was described as an only child who has fairly high needs. She has ASD among some other diagnoses.

Well, when I finally got to talk to A`s foster mom, I found out she had a brother a year older than her and they were living together. I questioned about it and I was told he had ASD and was lower functioning so they did not have any relationship and did not knowledge each other as brother and sister.
In November 2015 I got to meet my daughter at her foster home and I also met her brother. I could not tell if they had a relationship with each other or not but when I questioned again I was told they were being separated for safety reasons and because the two of them had very high needs so they didnt believe 1 family could meet both of kids needs and judge would not approve the adoption of the two of them together.

Okay, A moved in with us in December 2015. She never talked about her brother although we did talk to her about him saying she did have her bio brother and that would never change even though he was not with us. We were working on RAD and permanency (things still exist even when you don`t see it). We also kept in touch with foster mom because we felt it was important for A.

Fast forward to May 2016. We started getting the paperwork to finalize adoption. We talked about it and what it meant for the family and legally. That is when A started asking about bio brother. What would happen with him and why he didnt have a family. 

We told her what we knew and that judge wouldn`t let us adopt both of them. She showed some concerns right there and that is when I realized that she did have feelings for her brother, she just never expressed it maybe due to her ASD or RAD, but she did feel sad. I could see it.

June 2016 is when adoption happened. At the court date the case worker approached us talking about brother and asked if we would be interested in adopting him. She said if we didn`t he would never have a family because he is not able to form a bound or relationship or form any type of bond with a family, which makes hard for anyone to want him. I said I was not ready to make a decision at that time and had to think about it because it was a second child with special needs and I was barely meeting my daughter`s needs at that time (took awhile for us to learn everything we need, we still learning!). My husband and I talked about it a lot and we decided not to adopt him because we wouldn`t know how to meet his needs. 

Now, August 2016. We went to visit brother and foster mom. We met at a playground. The lids didn`t really play or interact with each other. They were both in their own world BUT you could see they were happy to be at the same place. By then, bio brother had moved in to a permanent group home that foster mom managed. He never did much of therapy or anything outside what the school offers, and we all know that is not enough for a child who has ASD, non verbal, and all of above. Our daughter didnt receive much services either and she improved A LOT since we started therapy, OT, Social Skills, and so on.

Christmas 2016 we went to visit them again and bring presents. That was the surprise. our daughter ran and hugged her brother and her brother smilled and started clapping and blowing his hands (sign of happiness for him). They were happy to see each other!

Wow this is long. Bare with me!

Now, we are looking to adopt another child. Our daughter wants a sister. We are looking for a Special Needs child similar to our daughter since we learned a lot about resources and needs. Then, Bio brother crosses my mind again. To be honest I never stopped thinking of him.

Bio brother never really had a family, I dont think he can actually understand that. He is not verbal, he is aggressive, and when I am with him, I have no idea on what to do to help him, yet, my heart says every child deserves to have a family and be loved.

Here is where I want to hear your opinion or experience. What would you do? Would you pursue adoption of bio brother knowing there would not be any deep relationship or actual positive outcome other that having more work but providing a loving home?

what are your thoughts?

Thank you for reading this post that looks more like a book!!!

[Deleted]

In short, I have no idea what you should do. But by the time I got to the end of your post, it resonated a little with me. At the end of this summer, we will adopt our 15 yo foster son. He does not have special needs, other than things like ADHD and being behind academically because of his chaotic childhood. He has been in our home for almost two years. I honestly don't feel a strong bond with him and he is very difficult. And I have no idea how to parent him because we are basically undoing years and years of bad adults teaching him, either directly or through their own actions, bad ways of coping. Part of that is because he was our first child and we are not technically old enough to be his parents. And the fact that we got him at age 13 with all his baggage. And I think parenting a kid where that bond is not there is really difficult. And I have no idea how to get there with him. Many days, I frankly don't want to.

I know in my heart that the best thing for him is to have the stability and security of a loving family. To just keep him in limbo or ask the department to move him would basically undo all the progress he's made and probably destroy his ability to trust. His mom put him in to foster care for no reason at age 6 and he came to us because the foster family he'd had for the previous four months just decided they were done being foster parents...So, yeah. But, it would honestly be so much easier for us if he didn't live with us. And sometimes I wish I could have understood all of this better before he came into our home and possibly made the choice to turn down that placement because I do think we are "stuck" now. That is not a great word to use, but there is just no way we would not adopt him at this point. And sometimes that does make me feel "stuck." I just keep hoping things will get better.

In your circumstance, it is more difficult with the added element of him having a biological connection to your daughter. It does concern me that they originally didn't want him to go with her because of safety concerns. I don't see how that would have changed in the last two years. As ironic as it sounds, the biological connection to your daughter would really motivate me. I think all the time how we would not hesitate to take in a bio sibling of our kids. But the idea that he would likely not understand the difference b/w a loving home and the group home he's in now is tough too. But I guess you never know. I think you know that it would be SO much work and likely SO frustrating for a long time. I don't feel comfortable telling you to do it or not but I hope my anecdote of what it might be like is helpful as you decide.

[wesleycrusher]

I wrote along response that was deleted! ugh. I am going to sum up what I had said.

Honestly, I think you need more information especially related to his daily care, which you admit you know little about. Even basic things like- does he sleep? What is he able to have in his room? Is there a concern for wandering or leaving the house? Etc. The thing that worries me is the aggression. I would need to know a lot more about those behaviors- I know you said you would get him more services and therapies, and it may get better...but it could get worse. He will get older (hormones and puberty) and bigger and stronger. I worked for years doing inpatient psychiatry with children with autism and this was something we saw frequently (even with children with loving parents) who could no longer manage them at home. Then the kids would have to wait months or years for a placement in a group home.

How does your husband feel? Have you spoken to your daughter's therapists? There a big difference between her wanting a sister and getting a brother who requires even more intensive care than she does. He's in a group home now- is he treated well? Is that a long term placement? Are you able to go spend more time with him there to learn more before you make a decision? I would hesitate him to take him out of the structure of a group home setting if he is used to it without knowing more information. And how would it effect your daughter's attachment issues if you took him and he does need group home care in the future? Is there a way for you to support him more even if you don't adopt? I know how important it can be to keep that biological connection, but I wouldn't want to put that before your daughters other needs.

You have a HUGE heart. Don't let that get in front of your head! I know these types of questions may seem like I'm being discouraging, but just the opposite. I'm encouraging you to make the right decision for your family- and part of that is thinking critically about the situation. I don't expect you to come back here and answer these questions- I'm sure many of them you have thought of yourself. I wish you the best of luck in your decision making!

[akafred]

I don't know the answers and I am warmed by your big, open heart. I just wanted to say that it is 100% okay to adopt another child and have it not be him, if that is the choice you end up making. I think if it were me, I would feel some kind of guilt or obligation or something as if adopting a younger girl were the wrong thing to do just because here is this boy who has a biological and emotional connection to your daughter who doesn't have a family. I firmly believe that taking the wrong placement isn't doing anyone any favors, so make sure you are doing the right thing for you, your husband, your daughter, AND whatever child you end up fostering and/or adopting.

[Captain Serious]

Every family has a different capacity to flourish. So I can't tell you what you should do, or even what I might do in your situation.

What I can tell you is a little about the similar decision my family had to make. There was a girl in the orphanage with my boys that is always on my mind. I know she will likely never find a family, due to the extent of her disabilities, and it weighs heavily on me because I know that the outcome for her after aging out of the system will be bleak. She has a special place in my heart and my husband's, and was one of my sons' orphanage sisters, but we have come to the difficult decision that we cannot be her family. The amount of care she would need would exceed our abilities. She would likely need to be in a group home, or at the very least, need one-on-one care at all waking times. We decided that it would not be fair to our two sons to commit that much of our time and emotional and physical energy to another child. And so, while I want the best for her, I had to accept that we couldn't be that solution. I couldn't bear the thought that some of us might one day resent her, or that my sons would resent us, for deliberately making a choice to spread ourselves too thin and put us in a situation where we could no longer devote the necessary time, money, energy, and resources to our sons.

I think the advice above, to really research the specifics of what adopting him might mean to your daily life, is extremely good advice. Before you make a decision like this, it's important to have as good an idea as possible of how it might impact you. And while I believe we can never really know in advance, it sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders to accompany your big heart.

Some of the best advice I ever got was from a doctor who specialized in adoption. He told me that we should never consider a situation that we felt we couldn't handle, and reminded me why we turned to adoption in the first place--to build our family and share our blessings with children who might not otherwise have that chance. He advised me to not loose sight of the kind of family we were hoping to build, and suggested that there are therapeutic foster families who are more-appropriately trained and specifically look to bring children with greater difficulties into their families. I thought he was just trying to ease my conscience, until a girl with significant special needs we were considering adopting was adopted by just such a family. It doesn't mean that every child will find a family, but that they might find the level of care they need elsewhere, while still allowing your family, with the children you are able to successfully parent (without running your own reserves too low) to flourish.

There are families that can make this kind of situation work and find fulfillment, joy, and growing love in each little success along the way. If you think this describes your family, then this might be the right decision for you. But if, when you honestly appraise the situation, you feel that you will lose your family's joy, you should be kind to yourself with that realization. I think you'll know the right answer for your family if you consider it fully.

[ceejay]

I don't really have any additional advice but I think everyone here has brought up some good things to think about. I'll be thinking of you and your family as you consider the various paths forward.

[lbey]

Thank you so much everyone. It has been hard as this little boy is always in the back of my mind.
We know that he does not sleep, needs assistance 24 hours. We visited him on Sunday with the foster and she said that he just cannot be adopted and needs to stay in her group home (she has 4 houses) due to his needs and behavior.
I wish I could do something. He isn`t even going to school anymore yet he does not get any therapy or home bound schooling.There is no work being done for him besides having a pca 24 hours, who by the way, only watches him.
I asked foster what I could do to help and she flat out said " He has all he needs and there is nothing you can help with"

I do believe it is best for our entire family not to have him so I will do what is best for everyone, but boy oh boy! It hurts!

[akafred]

((Hugs))

I'm so sorry. That must be so hard.

[redandblue]

lbey that is such a difficult decision for your family, but I'm sure the right one. My heart breaks for him though. That absolutely does not sound right in terms of how his needs are being met. Honestly I think I would be reporting this all to the CAS in charge. Sounds like his human rights are being violated. I can't remember his age, but in our province children are required to be receiving some form of education until age 17 (or in the case of special needs it is 21). He absolutely should be receiving more than just someone 'watching' him 24/7. Even though you can't adopt him (and again if you truly wanted to, I would totally be questioning someone saying he can't be adopted...sounds like BS to me) you can be an advocate for him. Sorry that situation makes me terribly upset.

[Captain Serious]

May 17, 2017 6:11:07 GMT -5 lbey said:

she said that he just cannot be adopted and needs to stay in her group home (she has 4 houses) due to his needs and behavior.

Who said this? The foster mother? It really isn't up to her to decide. While she may just be speaking brusquely, based upon her evaluation of his needs, his placement is a decision for his social workers and the courts.

May 17, 2017 6:11:07 GMT -5 lbey said:

I asked foster what I could do to help and she flat out said " He has all he needs and there is nothing you can help with"

Again, this is her opinion, and one that seems to jar with typical policies and laws. He is entitled to an education if he is school-aged, and that education must be adapted to meet his needs. I would ask his caseworker about this. At the very least, from what you describe, it sounds like he should be getting speech, physical, and occupational therapy.

May 17, 2017 6:11:07 GMT -5 lbey said:

I do believe it is best for our entire family not to have him so I will do what is best for everyone, but boy oh boy! It hurts!

I'm so sorry. I believe it hurts not to be able to provide him with a better situation though adoption. But I also agree that you might be able to influence his future by reaching out to his caseworker and expressing your concern over the things you mention here. If your concerns are not met with an appropriate response, you can research what is required and typical in situations like his, and advocate for him. That way, even if you can't welcome him home as a member of your immediate family, at least you can be involved in improving his living situation.

Again, I am very sorry. I know how much it hurts not to be able to scoop him up and make it all better. Just take it a day at a time, and do what you can, and know that, if you stay involved in his life, the best situation for everyone may just be the result.

[lbey]

A couple of you mentioned about reaching out to the Case Worker. The Case Worker my daughter and him had changed and it is someone else now. How do I find out who it is and how to reach out? if I do something, would the foster mom know? Because if she finds out I am reporting what I saw and heard from her, she might make difficult for me to have my daughter visit her brother and even her, which is important for my daughter.

There are actually more kids in the same situation and that foster is well known and everyone loves her. It is hard to find fosters willing to take special needs kids so they might not believe or care what I say.

I am concerned though, special for the brother. yes, he should be getting Physical Therapy, OT, Speech, and education AT LEAST! He is 10... There are few baby toys in the house for her grandaughter but not much for the kids. When my daughter came to us she had few old wrong size clothes. her toys were all from MC Donald happy meals which actually is bad for her and she ate it all the time. When our daughter moved in with us I actually got an expense report and showed the foster was making 5000 per month just for my daughter, I swear I am not making this up.

urgh it is just sos os so sad and I wish I could take all these kids in...

[Captain Serious]

To find out who the new caseworker is, contact Children and Families and ask them. Explain that he is your daughter's brothers, and you have concerns regarding the quality of his care.

Yes, the foster parent may find out and that may complicate things in the short run. If the situation is a bad as it seems just from what you are paying here, however, the benefit to this little boy would far outweigh any short term visiting concerns.

[ceejay]

Did you work with a private agency or a state agency? Either way I would contact the supervisor of the foster care department and ask for the new caseworker's information. Or possibly just talk with the supervisor directly if they seem receptive.

[redandblue]

I agree with others. He needs someone to advocate for him. As we all know about the foster care system, if he is in foster care, the foster mom has zero say in his or decisions. That will be the responsibility of his case worker. Contact the agency and see who that is and the concerns you have. His is a sibling of your daughter, hopefully that speaks for something!