Parenting a Strong Willed Child

[emmagk]

Does anyone have a good book recommendation for dealing with strong willed children?

I've been doing a lot of reading last week after reaching breaking point with DSs behaviour and realized he's a textbook case of strong willed. I've tried following some of the advice i found online and it's been a turning point but want to read some more. So any recs would be appreciated, i think kittyriot mentioned reading something before?

[emmagk]

FYI - here's the online bit i was reading

"What exactly is a strong-willed child? Some parents call them "difficult" or “stubborn,” but we could also see strong-willed kids as people of integrity who aren’t easily swayed from their own viewpoints. Strong-willed kids are spirited and courageous. They want to learn things for themselves rather than accepting what others say, so they test the limits over and over. They want desperately to be "in charge" of themselves, and will sometimes put their desire to "be right" above everything else. When their heart is set on something, their brains seem to have a hard time switching gears. Strong-willed kids have big, passionate feelings and live at full throttle.

Often, strong-willed kids are prone to power-struggles with their parents. However, it takes two to have a power struggle. You don't have to attend every argument to which you're invited! If you can take a deep breath when your buttons get pushed, and remind yourself that you can let your child save face and still get what you want, you can learn to sidestep those power struggles. (Don't let your four year old make you act like a four year old yourself!)

No one likes being told what to do, but strong-willed kids find it unbearable. Parents can avoid power struggles by helping the child feel understood even as the parent sets limits. Try empathizing, giving choices, and understanding that respect goes both ways. Looking for win/win solutions rather than just laying down the law keeps strong-willed children from becoming explosive and teaches them essential skills of negotiation and compromise.

Strong-willed kids aren't just being difficult. They feel their integrity is compromised if they're forced to submit to another person's will. If they're allowed to choose, they love to cooperate. If this bothers you because you think obedience is an important quality, I'd ask you to reconsider. Of course you want to raise a responsible, considerate, cooperative child who does the right thing, even when it's hard. But that doesn't imply obedience. That implies doing the right thing because you want to."


Full article - www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child

[Susan0utLoud]

Can you link me to a definition of strong willed child?

ETA. Never mind. I see it.

[scout251]

I just ordered both of Janet Lansbury's books from Amazon. I haven't read them yet obviously but her whole thing is about being respectful and giving boundaries in a clear, calm way. I forget the actual titles but if you search her name they will come up. She also has a bunch of podcasts on her website if you want to do a little less reading.

[Doll15]

Following. Even her pedi has commented on her being "strong willed". We try giving her two options and letting her pick one. She hates being rushed so I try to give her a lot of 5 minute warnings too, I noticed when it's time to leave or get out of bath or etc. she digs her heels in and fights us because it isn't her choice or wasn't on her agenda. Some of our family/friends have side eyed us because she is difficult and we try to compromise a lot with her. She isn't the "because I said so" type of kid.

[Doll15]

And if we choose every single time she is difficult, she'd be in time out more time then not.

[footloose]

That excerpt just perfectly described my kid to a tee. I will be following for ideas. I will read that full article later.

[footloose]

Adding, I think it will be difficult to parent these kids because others do just see your kid as "stubborn" or not listening and then judge you for that and how you handle it.

It is literally one of the first things ways that anyone describes my child. They always have to comment on how stubborn she is. I have definitely found it annoying and don't know how to make people see her differently and that she is just being annoying because she chooses to be.

[athn64]

Jun 5, 2017 13:10:33 GMT -5 Doll15 said:

And if we choose every single time she is difficult, she'd be in time out more time then not.

OMG, yes. DH doesn't care for DD1 not listening and puts her in time out over tiny little things. We talk about it later, and I suggest maybe trying different approaches. She doesn't need to go in time out for throwing food on the floor ffs.

[emmagk]

Jun 5, 2017 13:08:59 GMT -5 Doll15 said:

Following. Even her pedi has commented on her being "strong willed". We try giving her two options and letting her pick one. She hates being rushed so I try to give her a lot of 5 minute warnings too, I noticed when it's time to leave or get out of bath or etc. she digs her heels in and fights us because it isn't her choice or wasn't on her agenda. Some of our family/friends have side eyed us because she is difficult and we try to compromise a lot with her. She isn't the "because I said so" type of kid.

we do a lot of warnings too and it did help. We still get a bit of a battle when the time is up but if i say "remember mommy said we would do xyz in 5 minutes" then he backs down a little. 

And for things that he has to do, the choice is 'do xyz or sit in time out, i'll count to 3 and you decide'

[bliz1712]

I literally have to set a timer for some things, like leaving the park. And I get both of them involved by letting one of them push the buttons to start it and the other pushes the buttons to stop. The timer really has done wonders.

I think DD1 is more strong willed. Every answer to a request she follows with a "but how about this?" and then she'll offer up a compromise. I'll repeat my answer "ok I understand that Mom, but what about..." and another compromise. She is very into bartering.

[becole]

On the 0-10 strong willed scale, my kid is a 10.
But I'm a 10 on the adult scale so...
Apple---> tree.

[emmagk]

Jun 5, 2017 13:15:34 GMT -5 footloose said:

Adding, I think it will be difficult to parent these kids because others do just see your kid as "stubborn" or not listening and then judge you for that and how you handle it.

It is literally one of the first things ways that anyone describes my child. They always have to comment on how stubborn she is. I have definitely found it annoying and don't know how to make people see her differently and that she is just being annoying because she chooses to be.

so much this, it breaks my heart a little when people label him as naughty or out of control, becuase he's not. That article does bring up the point that it's tough now to parents strong willed kids but it will be a great personality trait later in life

[emmagk]

bliz1712, i started using the timer for getting out the bath and like you said it worked wonders! Now i don't need to, he's fine with the 5 min warning. I should start using it more often for other things

athn64, MH is the same way about throwing him in time out. Like he'll send him to time out for not putting his fork down when asked or something stupid. It's now a battle i'm having with him.

[Doll15]

Jun 5, 2017 13:30:13 GMT -5 emmagk said:

Jun 5, 2017 13:08:59 GMT -5 Doll15 said:

Following. Even her pedi has commented on her being "strong willed". We try giving her two options and letting her pick one. She hates being rushed so I try to give her a lot of 5 minute warnings too, I noticed when it's time to leave or get out of bath or etc. she digs her heels in and fights us because it isn't her choice or wasn't on her agenda. Some of our family/friends have side eyed us because she is difficult and we try to compromise a lot with her. She isn't the "because I said so" type of kid.

we do a lot of warnings too and it did help. We still get a bit of a battle when the time is up but if i say "remember mommy said we would do xyz in 5 minutes" then he backs down a little. 

And for things that he has to do, the choice is 'do xyz or sit in time out, i'll count to 3 and you decide'

This is exactly me. I often say "it's either do this or go to time out". I hate it. I normally say "1" and she's pretty obedient. H on the other hand gets a lot more push from her because he's always been easier on her

[Susan0utLoud]

Jun 5, 2017 13:08:59 GMT -5 Doll15 said:

Following. Even her pedi has commented on her being "strong willed". We try giving her two options and letting her pick one. She hates being rushed so I try to give her a lot of 5 minute warnings too, I noticed when it's time to leave or get out of bath or etc. she digs her heels in and fights us because it isn't her choice or wasn't on her agenda. Some of our family/friends have side eyed us because she is difficult and we try to compromise a lot with her. She isn't the "because I said so" type of kid.

I know ds is in a different place than most kids here, but his therapist suggested working on transitions to get him to try foods. "First milk, then cookie" when we were trying to get him to drink milk. Pictures and flash cards help. We are doing this with lots of things now and it's apparent he has issues with transitions. A lot like what you described.

[emmagk]

Jun 5, 2017 14:05:22 GMT -5 Doll15 said:

Jun 5, 2017 13:30:13 GMT -5 emmagk said:

we do a lot of warnings too and it did help. We still get a bit of a battle when the time is up but if i say "remember mommy said we would do xyz in 5 minutes" then he backs down a little. 

And for things that he has to do, the choice is 'do xyz or sit in time out, i'll count to 3 and you decide'

This is exactly me. I often say "it's either do this or go to time out". I hate it. I normally say "1" and she's pretty obedient. H on the other hand gets a lot more push from her because he's always been easier on her

I hate it too! But by 3 he almost always does whatever he was asked and he thinks he made the choice so win win i guess. I don't have an issue with time out in general but i like to use it for real problems like hitting 

[Doll15]

emmagk Ideally I'd like to reserve time outs as well but I'm not sure how else to reprimand when she digs in her heals and tests me. You can't take away things from her because she literally DGAF. She even does this new thing where she'll look and you and just shrug. It's so much attitude and is a literal I don't give a duck mom and dad. That's why I'd be interested in reading something, to see some other behavior modifiers because right now it's a warning and then time out.

[bliz1712]

emmagk, If mornings and getting ready are an issue, there is a kid's app that has been helpful with DD1 for school. The basic version is free. It sets a timer and has a picture up and is interactive on the task at hand. Then you get stickers/stars for how fast you do them.

[emmagk]

Jun 5, 2017 14:14:26 GMT -5 bliz1712 said:

emmagk , If mornings and getting ready are an issue, there is a kid's app that has been helpful with DD1 for school. The basic version is free. It sets a timer and has a picture up and is interactive on the task at hand. Then you get stickers/stars for how fast you do them.

mornings are pretty easy for us surprisingly. The biggest battles are coming in from outside, going to the potty regularly, and getting into the bath. Moth everything else is usually ok, not 100% compliant but not a screaming battle either

[emmagk]

Jun 5, 2017 14:13:06 GMT -5 Doll15 said:

emmagk Ideally I'd like to reserve time outs as well but I'm not sure how else to reprimand when she digs in her heals and tests me. You can't take away things from her because she literally DGAF. She even does this new thing where she'll look and you and just shrug. It's so much attitude and is a literal I don't give a duck mom and dad. That's why I'd be interested in reading something, to see some other behavior modifiers because right now it's a warning and then time out.

i feel your pain. DS doesn't care about stuff and doesn't care about rewards. We did go hard core on the time outs for a while (MH got his way on it for a couple weeks) and it did seem to have an affect, now we threaten time out and he usually backs down. Being excluded is one of his biggest upsets so time out is his currency 

[becole]

My child has the lovely combo of strong willed, high energy, and anxiety.
I feel like the best way to parent him is just to understand where he's coming from and why he's arguing.
I'm noticing more and more that there may be fear behind his unwillingness to do something. If I can get at the reason, I can get closer to a solution. 3 is hard. I think as long as we treat him with dignity and respect his emotions as valid, it helps me not to lose my cool.
The high energy part kills me a little tho. He tantrums hard and he's big and hard to control. And he kicks. It's like he just doesn't run out of the energy and will to fight.
My mom always says if I didn't want to do something I wasn't going to do it. But also said that I was not as "difficult" as my DS1.
He's so funny though. I try to focus on that. It's probably also why we are just on the go and always doing stuff out. It's much easier to keep him distracted and having fun than to battle at home. Mornings are worst.

[kittyriot]

I don't have any great recommendations, I've been running on gut instinct lately in our house.

But I started reading the classic Barbara Coloroso, Kid are worth it! m.indigo.ca/product/books/kids-are-worth-it-raising/9780143175438

I like the way she writes and I know loads of people who love the book.

[athn64]

I give time warnings. I'll often say, we have to go in 5 minutes. I also tell her first we do this, then we can do that. It certainly helps. Parenting is such a challenge. Each day they come up with something new.

[lrmrtn]

I've noticed that giving time warnings work but we should really try a timer. DS has no sense of time and then tries to negotiate. Also giving choices helps especially in the morning with getting dressed.

[comicSans]

I don't know that I belong in this thread, but in addition to time warning, when it gets down to 2 minutes we sometimes say pick one more thing you want to do. Works pretty well when we're out at a playground or someplace where there's lots of stuff she's into.

[meggypoo1]

Jun 5, 2017 16:51:15 GMT -5 comicSans said:

I don't know that I belong in this thread, but in addition to time warning, when it gets down to 2 minutes we sometimes say pick one more thing you want to do. Works pretty well when we're out at a playground or someplace where there's lots of stuff she's into.

I don't think I go here either but I wanted to say we do this at the park too. "We have to leave in 5 minutes so what would you like to do before we leave? Swing again, slide, dig?" It works really well.

[emmagk]

Jun 5, 2017 16:51:15 GMT -5 comicSans said:

I don't know that I belong in this thread, but in addition to time warning, when it gets down to 2 minutes we sometimes say pick one more thing you want to do. Works pretty well when we're out at a playground or someplace where there's lots of stuff she's into.

I think you belong here but maybe for your DS

[comicSans]

Jun 5, 2017 17:48:05 GMT -5 emmagk said:

Jun 5, 2017 16:51:15 GMT -5 comicSans said:

I don't know that I belong in this thread, but in addition to time warning, when it gets down to 2 minutes we sometimes say pick one more thing you want to do. Works pretty well when we're out at a playground or someplace where there's lots of stuff she's into.

I think you belong here but maybe for your DS

Possibly. I'll take notes for later.

[becole]

Jun 5, 2017 17:53:58 GMT -5 comicSans said:

Jun 5, 2017 17:48:05 GMT -5 emmagk said:

I think you belong here but maybe for your DS

Possibly. I'll take notes for later.

Your time is coming. Winter is coming. 😆