Telling kids about death

[SpinsOffResonance]

MIl passed away at the hospital overnight. Does anyone have any ideas what/how I should tell the kids. They know she was in the hospital, but she's been in and out of the hospital so much, no one made a big deal out of it, we just thought she would be there a couple days until her "cold" got better and she could breathe again. Turns out she has pneumonia and her heart couldn't handle the additional pressure in the lungs and just gave out. Anyways, that's obviously more than hey need to know.

DD1 (4.5yo) has asked about death before and we told her it's the end of life. She was satisfied with that answer. DD2 i don't think gets it at all.

So I guess I should tell them Grandma was in the hospital, but the doctors couldn't make her better and she died. We're not going to see Grandma again, but we love her very much and she loves us and she is going to be looking over us forever.

Then answer questions they have. I'm so sad for them.

[footloose]

I am so sorry to hear MIL passed away. It must be so shocking not thinking it was quite so serious.

I don't have any good advice other than my friends mom passed away suddenly from a fire when her daughter was around 3. She did ask to see her for a bit after, but also seemed to understand that grandma had died and wasn't there anymore. I would just be consistent that MIL is not here anymore and maybe try to encourage them to talk about fun times with her instead as a way to remember her.

[comicSans]

I'm sorry for your loss. I don't really have any advice, but what you've said above sounds like an ok start. I hope they go easy on you with the questions.

[microworm]

Sorry for your loss. I think what you have prepared sounds good. I would Google. I'm sure there's lot of info out there.

[NJgirl84]

So sorry for your loss. I don't really have any advice but what you've mentioned sounds like a good start.

[lecky11]

Sorry for your loss. No advice here, hopefully they take it easy on you and don't have too many questions.

[meggypoo1]

I'm so sorry she didn't make it. I think what you mentioned is good. Allow them to ask as many questions as they have.

[activebaby]

I'm so sorry spins. I dread the thought of kids really understanding loss. What you have thought out sounds like a good plan.

[lrmrtn]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think your plan sounds good. The advice I've heard before is to be honest with them when they ask questions but only on a "need to know" basis, not go into all of the details, which sounds like is pretty much your plan.

[athn64]

I'm sorry. I think you have a good plan.

[scotty138]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[emmygirl]

I'm so sorry for your family's loss.
So this weekend I talked to DD about death. She had never met my grandma but I had talked to her about her. I told her that she got very sick and died. I explained that now she is a guardian angel that looks over us. I was shocked by some questions DD had. She asked where her body went since she was an angel and asked why god wanted her with him and her sickness/cancer. I was honest with her but tried to keep it at a simple level. It's hard because we hadn't talked much about death before but I explained cemetery's and that that's where we can go to share stories. It's a terrible conversation to have. I'd just let them guide the conversation and see how it goes.
I'm so sorry you have to do this.

[activebaby]

When we were visiting my niece- I think she was 3 or 4 - we drove past a cemetery. She asked h about it and he told her that is where people went to sleep for a long time. She corrected him and told him that is where people go when they die. We were afraid to say much because we really didn't know what to say. Kids are pretty amazing.

[bliz1712]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think being very open and honest with them is best. I know a lot of other Mom's have found books to help them understand it. I don't have exact names, but something to look into if you think it might help. Some kids will be satisfied with a simplistic answer and some will continue to ask questions to understand it. YOu know your kids best on how in depth you want to get.

I like what you wrote to say. Will you have a funeral or memorial? You could maybe prepare them for that by saying you will have a get together (I wouldn't say party) to remember her and say goodbye to her.

[Susan0utLoud]

I'm sorry, Spins. It's so tough. Your plan seems good, though think the tricky part will be answering the questions. Maybe there is a book that's age appropriate for each of them?

[babybarlow2014]

I'm sorry for your loss.

[scout251]

I'm so sorry for your loss. The only additional thing I would add is that I've heard you shouldn't compare it to sleeping in any way because it gives the impression that they may wake up and/or can cause a fear of going to bed. Good luck with your conversation. I will be thinking of you.

[sstwinklinglites]

I'm so sorry for your loss SpinsOffResonance. I wish I had something helpful to add. I think you have a really good plan in place for talking to them.

[britab]

I'm sorry for your loss.

Our neighbor recently died. We tried to explain it in simple terms to DD. She still will say sometimes he's going to come back or pray for him to get better. We remind her he won't come back. So hard!

[krl52014]

I'm so sorry for your loss! I think your plan is good.

[SpinsOffResonance]

Thanks for the support. I called our school director , she's going to send me book recommendations.

We're telling the kids later today. What googling tells me is don't say things like "she went to sleep" (when is she waking up? Scared of going to sleep), "she left us" (scared parents will leave and not come back), "we lost her" (have to go find her). Basically tell it to them straight up.

[lulu]

@spins you have this covered my love.

We've had a lot of loss over the 10 years with DD1 and have always been very honest.

It's horrible but the last thing you want is for them to be confused on top of being sad.

I think kids appreciate the truth even if it's not what they want to hear.

When DD1 was 7 we had a miscarriage and I explained it to her. We bought a little angel ornament for our living room and it came with tiny scrolls you could write a message on and pop inside the angel.

We all sat down one night and wrote our message and placed it inside the angel. Mines and DH's message were a sobfest. Later and in private, I opened up the angel and read DD1's. It said:

"Sorry you died".

It was so abrupt and to the point that I actually laughed in the midst of such sorrow. It was the truth and from her heart. She was just sorry.

Adults would never say something so simple and to the point as it doesn't seem enough - but that's how children think and talk.

I still smile every time I look at my angel and think of that wee message still inside.

[kittyriot]

Spins, I'm sending love to you while your family grieves. I am so sorry, I'm sure this has been such a shock on all of your systems. You have such a good handle on what to say, you know your kids and will do what's best for them. XO

[BurritosAtEveryMeal]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think you had a solid plan and asking about books is a great idea.

[SpinsOffResonance]

It didn't go too too bad. We waited til the end of the day to tell them. DD1 did ask me where Grandma was earlier in the day, since we're at her house now and she's obviously not here. I told her she was still in the hospital since yesterday and she said "oh that's really really bad"

I can't remember the exact words I said to the kids but basically about what I wrote before. It took DD1 a couple minutes to process what I was saying, i repeated a couple times "Grandma is dead, we're not going to see her again" and then DD1 totally lost it, she was so sad, then DH And I lost it, then DD2 lost it and started screaming for Dora, Dora, Dora. It was a little comical! They had a good cry for a minute then they were fine when I said We'll put on Dora on the Tv.I don't think DD2 got it at all, but she was freaked out by DD1 and DH crying.

They didn't really have any questions at first. DD1 just said "we're not going to see her never and ever?" Then she told me "but Grandma always taught me how to read and now she won't." DD2 kept saying "we're going to see grandma later, we'll see her later" and DD1 was all "no we won't, she's dead" and I kept telling her we're not going to see grandma later, we won't see grandma again because she's dead.
I asked if they wanted to go to Grandma's room to say goodbye to her, they did. DD2 ran in there looking for Grandma, she looked for her in the bathroom, in the office, in the bed and was so confused. Meanwhile DD1 is trying to explain to her that "Grandma is dead at the hospital". I lost it again. We looked at the pictures and DD1 showed me the card she made Grandma for Valentine's Day. We said "bye bye Grandma, we love you", picked out a kids book for bedtime and closed the door.

During bath DD1 asked how do I know that Grandma is dead. We were just with her all weekend so I get why she would ask that. I told her that Daddy was at the hospital with Grandma when her heart stopped beating and she stopped breathing. She accepted that.

Now I'm totally crying again. I didn't even cry this much when my dad died when DD1 was 6weeks old. But now having to go through it through their eyes, I'm a total mess.

[athn64]

Hugs SpinsOffResonance. It sounds like it went as well as it could.

[savigirl]

So very sorry for your loss. Sending love and prayers as you all grieve.

[meggypoo1]

Oh spins that made me cry. I'm so sorry. Hugs girl

[emmygirl]

I'm so sorry. I'll be thinking of you guys in the days to come. It will be hard with them asking about it a few more times I'm sure. So sorry for you all.

[sstwinklinglites]

SpinsOffResonance - I'm so sorry. I'm sure it's so heartbreaking to see this through their eyes. It sounds like it went about as well as it could. You did a good job. T & P's for your family.