Post by myl2 on Jun 14, 2019 11:03:22 GMT -5
Hi everyone! I'm new here, but have been exploring this forum and feeling thankful I'm not alone. I wrote a short story today in an effort to explain some of the emotions I've been going through while dealing with infertility. I just wanted to share with others who understand and also hear your thoughts and experiences! Are there any metaphors, quotes, etc. that you feel really sum up what you're going through?
THE DIVING BOARD
I'm not a swimmer. In fact, drowning is one of my worst fears. But many people have told me this is worth it. That the dive is both terrifying and exhilarating. That their lives have been changed by it.
So here I am, tightly gripping the cold metal ladder, trying to calm my breath. I take a long time to compose myself and to build up my courage. Before I can second-guess myself, I'm climbing the ladder as quickly as possible. I keep my eyes trained upward out of both nervous excitement and fear of looking down. My feet pad across the rough board and I peer over the edge.
There is no water. Just a trickle beginning in the deepest end.
I let out the breath I've been holding- the energy I had used to build up my courage wasted.
The water steadily trickles in, but it seems it is slowly draining at the same time. It's hard to tell if the pool will ever fill up.
I now have three choices.
First, I can stand here, waiting and hoping for the water to fill up. But with each passing second, doubt and fear begin to fill my mind as I now have the time to consider them. What if the water is cold? What if I drown? What if it never fills up and I'm standing here forever?
Second, I can come off the diving board and try to distract myself. I can periodically climb back up and check the water. Rebuilding my courage each time before feeling a devastating mix of disappointment and relief when I find the water has only risen a few inches. Wondering how long I should wait before giving up. "I'll try one more time. Just one more time"
Last, I can change my clothes and leave. Telling myself that maybe it wasn't worth it. Maybe I would have drowned. Or maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
I don't want to commit to any of these paths, so I stand there frozen. Trying to relax and not think about it. But I'm on a diving board- how can I not think about it? Hoping that somehow the decision will just be made for me or at least be made clear so that I can move forward- one way or another.
THE DIVING BOARD
I'm not a swimmer. In fact, drowning is one of my worst fears. But many people have told me this is worth it. That the dive is both terrifying and exhilarating. That their lives have been changed by it.
So here I am, tightly gripping the cold metal ladder, trying to calm my breath. I take a long time to compose myself and to build up my courage. Before I can second-guess myself, I'm climbing the ladder as quickly as possible. I keep my eyes trained upward out of both nervous excitement and fear of looking down. My feet pad across the rough board and I peer over the edge.
There is no water. Just a trickle beginning in the deepest end.
I let out the breath I've been holding- the energy I had used to build up my courage wasted.
The water steadily trickles in, but it seems it is slowly draining at the same time. It's hard to tell if the pool will ever fill up.
I now have three choices.
First, I can stand here, waiting and hoping for the water to fill up. But with each passing second, doubt and fear begin to fill my mind as I now have the time to consider them. What if the water is cold? What if I drown? What if it never fills up and I'm standing here forever?
Second, I can come off the diving board and try to distract myself. I can periodically climb back up and check the water. Rebuilding my courage each time before feeling a devastating mix of disappointment and relief when I find the water has only risen a few inches. Wondering how long I should wait before giving up. "I'll try one more time. Just one more time"
Last, I can change my clothes and leave. Telling myself that maybe it wasn't worth it. Maybe I would have drowned. Or maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
I don't want to commit to any of these paths, so I stand there frozen. Trying to relax and not think about it. But I'm on a diving board- how can I not think about it? Hoping that somehow the decision will just be made for me or at least be made clear so that I can move forward- one way or another.