Can somebody give me a rational/objective opinion?

[cabgirl]

I'm sorry in advance that this is so long, and I'm sorry this post is a bit "dear diary." I'm just in a bad place right now, and I need help figuring out whether or not I'm being reasonable. 

As I've talked about in other posts, we discovered our baby had no heartbeat on Tuesday. On Thursday, I had my D&C, which my husband was there for. Unfortunately, he had to go back to work Friday, which of course I understood. H is also a musician, and one of his (many) bands has had time booked in a local studio this weekend to record a CD. (They want the CD recorded now so that they have it for a show they're playing in Vegas in early April.) They've had the time booked for a while, and supposedly have a non-refundable deposit. It is for two twelve-hour days of recording, today and tomorrow. 

I have felt (and told H) since the day we found out I was miscarrying that I wanted him to cancel his recording plans. This wouldn't have been easy, but there were a couple of options. He could have found a substitute to stand in for him (he plays bass, and knows a lot of bass players); he could have found a different time to record his part separately, so that his band mates could record as scheduled, and then mix the record so that he's still on it; or he could have at the very least called the studio, explained that something urgent had come up, and seen if there was any way at all they could reschedule without losing a deposit and still getting their recording within the needed time frame. But he hasn't been willing to do any of that.

He left for four hours last night to practice for the recording session, and I didn't know until an hour prior that he was going to be gone last night. (He swears he told me, but I don't remember.. though I've been in emotional turmoil, and also on painkillers and sedatives, so maybe he did and it just didn't register.) It was the worst night I've had so far. It was too short notice to find anyone else to come and be with me, I was in pain and had started passing tissue (after not bleeding or anything else for 24 hours after my procedure), and I just felt horribly upset about being alone.

Now I'm facing two twelve-hour days alone without my husband. I am an emotional wreck. I've been crying so constantly that my eyes look bruised. I have to go back to work on Monday, and I'm a nervous wreck about that, too. I have the option of asking my mother to come spend the day with me, but it's hard for me to be around her right now for so many reasons. (She is hyper emotional too, and is going back and forth between breaking down crying herself and talking cheerfully about God's plan, and I really just can't comfort her or   handle that talk right now.) I felt like I've had no time to grieve with my husband, or really be comforted by him. Next week we'll both be working again (assuming I can handle being back at work and don't need to just turn around and leave again), and we'll also have his teenage daughter here with us. 

I feel abandoned. I feel like he's making his music (which is not his job, by the way, but a hobby - he has a career totally unrelated to music) a priority over me, and what I'm going through. I feel alone, and I'm so angry with him for not cancelling, not doing whatever he needs to do to be with me this weekend.

I'm also aware of the possibility that I'm being irrational. Like I said, I'm on painkillers and sedatives as needed, my emotions and hormones are all over the place, and maybe I'm being unfair. I don't know. That's why I'm making this post. If anyone has managed to read this far - am I being unreasonable to be angry about this? I know life has to go on, and we can't sit at home and mourn forever, but I'm just not ready yet. My D&C was the day before yesterday. I feel like I need him, need time with him, and if he goes, I'm not going to get it. 

I'm honestly not looking to just hear what I want to hear.. I want your real, rational opinion. If I'm being crazy and irrational, I want to know. I don't want to be unfair to my husband, either.

[sumbeach]

I'm so very sorry you're going through this. I know my husband is more of an escapist when things get really hard emotionally he dives into something to keep his mind off of the situation at hand. I know you really want him there, and I think what you're feeling is not crazy or irrational. People just grieve differently. Maybe this is his way of dealing.
Even if your mom is difficult she's still your mom. I think you should call her.

[jumpingpuddles]

I agree a lot with sumbeach. He might be having a hard time, and getting out of the house to do something he loves might be his way of dealing. Or he might not want to have to open up to his band mates about the situation. Unfortunately, I can understand both of your sides in this, and it is a tough call. I know that you are in a really raw, tough place right now, and this advice is purely coming from what worked for me- but what if you got out yourself just for a bit sometime in the next couple of days. Meeting your mom in a public place might make it easier. Even just running some errands? I know you just want to be in your own space, but I worry that going from that to showing up at work on Monday might be a giant step you won't be ready for. Big hugs to you, I've been thinking of you since your last thread on CAL, and hoping you weren't in too bad of a place, emotionally.

[cabgirl]

jumpingpuddles, his band mates do know that I was pregnant and just miscarried. I don't know if this means there's something wrong with me, but I'm just not coping. It's hard for me to admit how pathetic I am, but I spent most of the day yesterday on the couch, crying, hitting refresh on the main Pregnancy Loss page. I've cried so much I'm losing my voice. I told my husband I needed him, and begged him not to leave me alone. He just left a moment ago. Obviously I'm not in a rational state of mind, but I don't know if I can forgive him for leaving me right now. I talked to a therapist for an hour yesterday, and she told me she didn't think my grief was out of proportion. But I feel like I'm losing my mind, and I feel abandoned. Thank you for listening and responding.

[jumpingpuddles]

Feb 21, 2015 10:32:54 GMT -5 cabgirl said:

jumpingpuddles, his band mates do know that I was pregnant and just miscarried. I don't know if this means there's something wrong with me, but I'm just not coping. It's hard for me to admit how pathetic I am, but I spent most of the day yesterday on the couch, crying, hitting refresh on the main Pregnancy Loss page. I've cried so much I'm losing my voice. I told my husband I needed him, and begged him not to leave me alone. He just left a moment ago. Obviously I'm not in a rational state of mind, but I don't know if I can forgive him for leaving me right now. I talked to a therapist for an hour yesterday, and she told me she didn't think my grief was out of proportion. But I feel like I'm losing my mind, and I feel abandoned. Thank you for listening and responding.

I think he is being insensitive- whether or not he should have gone, it sounds like this was not discussed enough between the two of you. But, at this point, what's done is done, and while I agree you have the right to be angry, it sounds like you still need him- so for your own sake, try your best to forgive his actions. I know that's not going to be easy. For yourself, try baby steps. And while this page is wonderful for getting support, try just checking in once every hour or two. Find yourself an uplifting netflix movie, camp out on your couch, and give yourself one small goal: not sure what that will be for you... Going on a walk, making yourself dinner, going to the grocery, whatever. Something to get yourself out of the cycle you are in. Of course you should give yourself all the time in the world to grieve, I'm only pushing this because it seems like you are falling down a dangerous spiral here. Again, more hugs to you. I really hope your husband does every possible thing to make this up to you later this evening.

[cabgirl]

Feb 21, 2015 11:20:35 GMT -5 jumpingpuddles said:

Feb 21, 2015 10:32:54 GMT -5 cabgirl said:

jumpingpuddles, his band mates do know that I was pregnant and just miscarried. I don't know if this means there's something wrong with me, but I'm just not coping. It's hard for me to admit how pathetic I am, but I spent most of the day yesterday on the couch, crying, hitting refresh on the main Pregnancy Loss page. I've cried so much I'm losing my voice. I told my husband I needed him, and begged him not to leave me alone. He just left a moment ago. Obviously I'm not in a rational state of mind, but I don't know if I can forgive him for leaving me right now. I talked to a therapist for an hour yesterday, and she told me she didn't think my grief was out of proportion. But I feel like I'm losing my mind, and I feel abandoned. Thank you for listening and responding.

I think he is being insensitive- whether or not he should have gone, it sounds like this was not discussed enough between the two of you. But, at this point, what's done is done, and while I agree you have the right to be angry, it sounds like you still need him- so for your own sake, try your best to forgive his actions. I know that's not going to be easy. For yourself, try baby steps. And while this page is wonderful for getting support, try just checking in once every hour or two. Find yourself an uplifting netflix movie, camp out on your couch, and give yourself one small goal: not sure what that will be for you... Going on a walk, making yourself dinner, going to the grocery, whatever. Something to get yourself out of the cycle you are in. Of course you should give yourself all the time in the world to grieve, I'm only pushing this because it seems like you are falling down a dangerous spiral here. Again, more hugs to you. I really hope your husband does every possible thing to make this up to you later this evening.

I think this is really good advice, and pretty much what I needed to hear. It doesn't really matter anymore whether or not he should have gone, because he did, and I have to deal with it. And forgive him, too, because I can't torture him over it. He isn't entirely insensitive, because I know he feels terrible. He cried this morning because he felt bad leaving me, and I guess the fact that he did anyway means that his plan for today meant more to him than I'm capable of comprehending right now. A goal is a good idea, too. I do need to go back to work on Monday, and if I do nothing but sit or lay in bed and cry all day, I'm not going to be prepared to do that. Thank you again for the support and advice. It's honestly pretty surreal to me to be in such a vulnerable place that I'm pouring this out to strangers, and I'm really grateful that the response I've gotten has been so kind. 

[Ann612]

So when I first read about the 4 hour recording, I didn't think that was a big deal, and was going to say to cut him a little slack - that he is in this too and maybe playing music is cathartic/helpful for him.

But then I read that he's gone 12 hours both days this weekend, and that seems like a bit much. Especially since you begged him to stay and said that you needed him, and you are still suffering physically. Actually, the more I am thinking about this, the more upset I am getting for you. It seems a little cruel on his part. I'm really sorry. Maybe he just feels a need to escape? But then he should at least talk to you and tell you.

I also had my D&C on a Thursday and while I was totally fine physically, I wouldn't have wanted to be by myself all weekend. Here and there if needed, fine (in fact, I had at one point encouraged him to go see his dad for his birthday for a few hours if he wanted to), but ultimately he didn't want to go.

[cabgirl]

Feb 21, 2015 12:25:07 GMT -5 @sarahwithanh said:

I think all your feelings are valid and justified.

I also think that he might be in a really rough place too and just not communicating it (just a possibility).

Everyone grieves differently and sometimes grief makes it impossible to be there for someone else. It really stinks when your grief conflicts with your partners. I know that when I was at my worst I pushed my hubby away and just needed to do my own thing. In time I was able to come back to him and allow us to support each other. I don't know if that us what is going on, but be patient it might just be too soon for him.

For you: If your mom isn't a support right now is there anyone else? someone a little more removed? I found that I leaned on multiple people not DH because no one person could give me what I needed. PPs had great advice. I would add that even though it's hard try to get up, shower, do your hair, etc. Sometimes these normal activities are just enough to break the extremeness of the grief and can help you feel a little more "normal". Also although you are well within the grief spectrum if you feeling completely out of control call back, get the help you need.

Hope this helps. (Hugs)

You're right, too. I know he's also in a rough place, but sometimes it's hard for me to remind myself of that, because he's reacting so differently from me. I'm not being quiet in my grief. I'm constantly crying, and he's sitting stone-faced in front of the television, or heading off to music practice, and falling asleep easily at night. I know he's sad about the baby. I think maybe he can't let himself fall apart, because he's afraid he'd fall apart completely, and one of us needs to be functional. As for someone more removed, I'm actually in a weird place right now where I really don't want to be around anyone but my husband.. which is hard on him, I guess, because the burden of supporting me is all on him. I don't think that will last forever, though.

What you had to say did help. Thank you.

[cabgirl]

Feb 21, 2015 15:19:38 GMT -5 Ann612 said:

So when I first read about the 4 hour recording, I didn't think that was a big deal, and was going to say to cut him a little slack - that he is in this too and maybe playing music is cathartic/helpful for him.

But then I read that he's gone 12 hours both days this weekend, and that seems like a bit much. Especially since you begged him to stay and said that you needed him, and you are still suffering physically. Actually, the more I am thinking about this, the more upset I am getting for you. It seems a little cruel on his part. I'm really sorry. Maybe he just feels a need to escape? But then he should at least talk to you and tell you.

I also had my D&C on a Thursday and while I was totally fine physically, I wouldn't have wanted to be by myself all weekend. Here and there if needed, fine (in fact, I had at one point encouraged him to go see his dad for his birthday for a few hours if he wanted to), but ultimately he didn't want to go.

Thank you. I find this really validating, and I'm glad I'm not being irrational by feeling like the time he's spending away this weekend is excessive. You said your husband didn't WANT to go - and that's how I feel my husband should feel about it. Maybe it sounds self-centered, but I don't feel like anything should take priority over what's happening to us (and to me - I was the one who went through the physical trauma of the experience) right now. I am ordinarily not that kind of wife. If I were sick with the flu, or upset about just about anything else (save something like the death of a family member, which really is what this is) - I wouldn't expect him to stay home, because these plans were long standing. He plays a ton of shows and often travels out of town for his music, and I've never interfered with that, nor would I want to. But this is different. I told him I needed him and begged him to stay with me, and he still left. I feel like I don't know how I'll be able to trust him to be there for me in the future when bad things happen. This is the first time we've ever suffered a major crisis together, and how he's handling it is really making me nervous.

[vivela]

Everyone does grieve differently. I'm like your husband, I much prefer to be alone or working during this time. I was glad my husband had 12 hour days during my miscarriage because I don't do well with showing emotion around others, even him.
That said, of the two of us, I was in the most physical and emotional pain. Therefore if I had needed him home as much as you seem to, I would have expected him to stay home. I've been guilty of being a runner during emotional times, it is really hard for me to endure the pain of others. So I'm glad you are already talking about forgiving him. I don't think he is off the hook, but now is not the time to have that out when you already have way too much on your plate. he can't really understand what you are feeling, it isn't possible, so he is not always going to make the best choice.
I want to echo a previous poster- it is really helpful to do something, anything besides sit and dwell. In the beginning I would cry on the couch and couldn't imagine so much as putting something on TV. But then when I forced myself to throw some Netflix on, it really gave my brain a break and let me relax. After awhile I finally realized that it was infinitely better to force myself to take breaks from thinking about it every second, even if I was still thinking of it every minute.

[kcrkcs]

Late to seeing this and everyone has already said pretty much everything I would have. One small addition from all that you have said about your husband here and before it seems like he loves you very much, and I just think he made a really fantastically bad choice for what you need right now. The best thing, since you can't change what happened, might be to try to make him understand how horrible this was for you, so that he can hopefully make a better choice next time. So many hugs I hope you guys can sort this out stat, so you can feel the support you need from him. In the meantime we are here!!!!

[snakefisherbub]

No advice the others made really good points. I just here to give you hugs.

[cabgirl]

I just wanted to come back and say thank you to everyone. You all helped. I made it through the day, and H decided to get all his tracks done today so he could stay home with me tomorrow. So he's sitting out the rest of the recording process so he can be with me. I really appreciate the support. I jumped in here as a stranger with immediate need. I hope I have opportunities to repay you all for your kindness to me.

[cabgirl]

Also, so many hugs to you both, kcrkcs and snakefisherbub! We'll all survive this somehow.

[chiapet]

I am super late to this post, but wanted to offer lots of (hugs). All the ladies that posted, pretty much said everything; however, I can relate a little bit.

My husband is away for 9 weeks for "academy" for his new position at work. I was alone when I found out we lost the baby and he was not there for my D&C. He did drive right home after we found out and stayed with me for a few days. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and I get it, to some point. If you need to chat or vent more, feel free to PM me.

[mandapanda1382]

Feb 21, 2015 21:23:47 GMT -5 cabgirl said:

I just wanted to come back and say thank you to everyone. You all helped. I made it through the day, and H decided to get all his tracks done today so he could stay home with me tomorrow. So he's sitting out the rest of the recording process so he can be with me. I really appreciate the support. I jumped in here as a stranger with immediate need. I hope I have opportunities to repay you all for your kindness to me.

I haven't posted much on this board on GBCB, but I used to post on the TB frequently.  I'm glad he was able to give you some support.  Losing a pregnancy is really hard.  When I lost my first pregnancy, it was SO rough on me emotionally.  My husband was very sad, but dealt with it in a different way.  It was the first time I felt we weren't in sync with each other.  But it was okay that we both figured out how to deal with it in our own ways - and we got back to a place we were in sync after a while.  Hugs to you.  

[adorebel]

cabgirl, everyone's already given you great advice. I just wanted to say that no, you are not crazy. It's a huge loss and right now you want your H right by your side, and you're entitled to feel that need deeply. Tomorrow you might be shocked to feel like you just want to be alone.

Working out the grieving process was a trial for us, especially in the first weeks after our loss. I had these weird oscillations between being totally fine and happy and then these extreme post-trauma type breakdowns that felt like they knocked me off my feet. My H, in contrast, had more of a low-level lethargy and constant sadness. For about 2 weeks after the loss, I felt a space opening up between us as we felt the grief so differently.

Finally, we took a little road trip together about 2 weeks afterwards, when it wasn't quite so raw, and we started communicating our feelings more successfully and realizing each felt the loss as keenly as the other. Since then, 6 more weeks have passed and I feel closer to him than ever.

This is all a long way of saying, I'm so sorry your H wasn't there. I'm so sorry you're feeling not only the pain of loss, but the pain of feeling that loss differently than your H. Please know that it gets better. I really encourage you to try to have honest conversations about it when a little time has passed so that you don't let this gulf of experience come between you.

T&Ps.

[mandapanda1382]

adorebel, my husband and I also took a road trip about three or four weeks later. We were able to talk about it without it being so raw. It was healing.

[adorebel]

Feb 24, 2015 14:42:36 GMT -5 mandapanda1382 said:

adorebel, my husband and I also took a road trip about three or four weeks later. We were able to talk about it without it being so raw. It was healing.

Yes, I feel like our comments were really in sync!

[nikolie93]

I'm so sorry cabgirl. I just sent you a message but didn't see the first.

Lots of good advice here. I just want to add that MH made a hurtful decison while I was going through my second MC. We were at the hospital from 8pm until 4:30am. He had a flight to go back to his hometown for some work for his business. The MC experience in itself was a really rough one.

We went home and my mom did the 2 and 1/2 drive to be with me. He flew out and was told come back Sunday. I was ok with it because he's a one man shop trying to get his business going.

I found out Friday that 2 of the jobs were canceled.. And he had no plans to get an earlier flight home. I was so hurt and so devastated. My mom was here and I was thankful but honestly, I would rather have been alone if I couldn't be with MH.

He came home Sunday and it was rough. I was sad, hurt, and pissed the hell off. I couldn't believe he didn't think I was important enough to come home early for.

The reason I'm saying this is because we got through it, and we are closer and our relationship is stronger than ever before.

Sometimes people just think differently. It took me a while to get over it but the more we talked about it, the better it was.

It sounds as if he is trying with his most recent attempt to be with you. I hope he continues listening understanding, and being there for you. *hug*