MH's younger son (19, recovering drug addict) just almost ODed on heroin. EmTs had to resuscitate him. ER gave the kid something that negateds the effect of heroin, so he's fine now and MH is apparently bringing him back to our house.
I didn't like thw kid for all he's spoiled in our lives already. Now on yhe heels of one of ghe happiest things in a long time, he does this? I cannot go back to MH checking on him multiple times a day and damn near having an anxiety attack if he doesn't hear from the kid for a few hours.
I just want the kid gone. Not dead, mind you, brcause that would hurt DH immeasurably... just have somone else watch after him so we can live our lives and be happy. And I certainly don't want him around while I'm pregnant or have a newborn.
I feel like i have no one to talk to IRL. At least I already have a counselong appt tomorrow afternoon.
Please tell me if I'm over reacting or whatever you think. I feel so lost.
ETA: I'm also afraid the sudden stress will harm whatever I have growing inside me. I have no idea if that is reasonable.
ETA2: I also dpn't feel like I can ask DH to get the kid out of the house because he has nowhere else to go.
Ugh I unfortunately don't have any advice and I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this...it sounds like a rehab facility would be a great place for him right now. (((Hug)))
Just wanted to say I'm sorry for what your family is going through. That sounds very hard! I'm wishing you and YH strength. Hopefully a new living situation can be sorted out soon. You don't need more stress.
Low Ovarian Reserve (low AMH), poor egg quality, abnormal EFT (glandular developmental arrest, endo). TTC with open ID donor sperm. Non-bio mommy to DD (born to DW 2013). IUIs 1-7 = BFN. IVF #1 Sept 2014: 8R, 5M, 3F, 5 day transfer of 1 morula = BFN. IVF#2 Jan/Feb 2015 13R, 11M, 9F, 5 day transfer of a 5AA blast, BFFN. FET#1 (DW as carrier) May 2015 5AA & 4AA = BFP! DD2 born February 2016
Post by bluefairy5 on Jan 18, 2015 19:52:37 GMT -5
I am so sorry nomnom! A cousin of mind was a heroin addict and it was such a weight on her mother and stepfather. I've had quite a lot of secondhand experience with addiction, so sympathize with what a torturous position it truly is for the addict... but I don't think you're being unreasonable AT ALL to not want this man around a newborn, or even around yourself while pregnant.
That said, there is no medical evidence that I'm aware of that stress puts early pregnancy at risk, so please do your best not to worry. (Easier said than done.)
I just send you major (((hugs))) and wish you luck in discussing next steps with YH. You're KU so now things need to be about your health and the health of your early pregnancy, so it's eminently reasonable to not want YH having panic attacks over your SS, etc. It's got to be about you and your family right now. Maybe it sounds cold, but I don't know your SS and I do know you, thanks to the modern miracle of the Interwebz, so I get to do that!
ETA: k1111k Amen. Rehab. Absolutely. For tweety's sake AND for his.
That said, there is no medical evidence that I'm aware of that stress puts early pregnancy at risk, so please do your best not to worry. (Easier said than done.)
Thank you so much for that. I've been afraid of getting KU even since we started treatment for exactly this reason. I'm alway afraid of what MH's son might do (stupid, not violent)
I just send you major (((hugs))) and wish you luck in discussing next steps with YH. You're KU so now things need to be about your health and the health of your early pregnancy, so it's eminently reasonable to not want YH having panic attacks over your SS, etc. It's got to be about you and your family right now. Maybe it sounds cold, but I don't know your SS and I do know you, thanks to the modern miracle of the Interwebz, so I get to do that!
Thank you some more. I'm having a hard time focusing on myself yet because it is so early. I don't feel like it's real yet. Btw, the only warmth I have for DH's son is because he is DH's son. If he were antone else, I'd send him to a shelter or prison. Just have a hard time giving any fucks anymore.
Post by Martinis&Medicine on Jan 18, 2015 20:03:25 GMT -5
I'm truly sorry for all you're going through. I wish I had some grand advice, but for now, all I can say is that I'm sorry and thinking of you. You can always vent here. I hope something gets through to him soon.
I just wanted to stop by and lend you an ear. He's been such a huge stress on you for a while now. It's horrible that while you're trying to be happy about things, his dangerous habits are causing you and YH even more stress. I think what bluefairy5 said when she called him a "man" was very important language. He's 19 now and no longer a child. He's still making decisions that cause him to be a drain to you and YH in more ways than one. I will +1 k1111k that rehab sounds like a stellar place for this guy right now.
Remember all those myths about how stress causes IF? Add stress being harmful to a pregnancy to that list of myths
*All Welcome* Me (30) and MH (30) Dx: DOR, MTHFR + 1% Morph TTC since Nov '11 Nov '12 - MC at 6w6d Nov '14 - AFC 10, FSH 8, AMH 0.84, Morph 1% Mar '15 - IVF#1/ICSI, EPP: 7R, 5M, 4F, 3DT of 2x8 cell, grade 4 = BFN July '16 - IVF#2/ICSI, EPP & DHEA - OHIP-funded SET
Post by lilyharper on Jan 18, 2015 20:08:43 GMT -5
nomnom I hope this isn't an over share but my last boyfriend before DH was in recovery (had been for 8 years when we started dating) and said rehab was the best thing that ever happened to him. This from a man who showed up to the first day drunk off his ass, and he was only 3 years older than your SS at the time. Depending on your health insurance it may even be covered...
And the stress doesn't help you but it shouldn't harm the littleun(s).
ETA: and btw, I'm sorry as all get out this is happening. Sucks to have someone so toxic you can't get rid of, but need to help.
sammaebluefairy5 Yes, the world sees him as a man. DH sees him as about 15 since all his maturity besides physical halted about then when he first started using pot (later moved to harder drugs). He does act about 15-16 most of the time. Is that a reasonable factor to consider or an excuse? I can't tell anymore.
I think I'll ask DH about rehab. I hate to put any more stress on him tonight, but I don't know if there will be a better time to bring it up.
Btw, this would be his second time in in-patient rehab. We already staged an intervention in June when he was about to go off the deep end with heroin and crack. He then spent a couple of months or so in out-patient rehab. He's been mostly clean (especially since he was on probation until November), but not clean enough to allow us to fully relax.
Maybe another stint in in-patient would at least give DH and I some breathing room to figure out what to do. Also, DH's son was doing the best he had in a long time right after he got out.
I'm sorry this is happening nomnom . Has YH's son been to rehab and then gone to a halfway house? Even if he has, it sounds like it's a good place for him to revisit now.
Heroin is ridiculously hard to fight and he's going to need all the professional help he can get. That said, I'm going to deliver a little tough love here so get ready......this is your husband's son. He's going to be part of your family for the rest of his/your life...like it or not. If your husband was the kind of man to turn his back on his son, you probably wouldn't have fallen in love with your husband in the first place. Your stepson may be a complete ass, and I'm sure he's put you and YH through hell and back, but it's likely due to his addiction, which is a disease that needs to be fought with treatment.
All that said, you ABSOLUTELY should NOT feel bad about not wanting him in your home. He needs help. Help that you and YH can't help him with.
I'm glad you have an appointment tomorrow. Has your YH gone with you in the past? Would he go with you? It might help you both in managing this situation and getting out all of your feelings in a healthy way.
In the meantime, try to focus on all the wonderful things you get to plan for this baby. You have a whole shitload of women here behind you and excited for you.
He may have been doing a bit better but unfortunately that rehab stint didn't ultimately work. At this point, he needs to be in a rehab facility to save his life, and it will hopefully and ultimately lead him to actually having a life. He's not living right how, he's just existing and he needs more professional help.
(I have a dear cousin who has been recovering for a couple of years now...it's a difficult journey but sobriety finally stuck with her after many attempts.)
murrt He did not go to a halfway house because there is not one in our town. The in-patient facility is an hour and a half away and has a halfway house nearby. I advocated for that, but DH thought it would be better for his son to come back here since he had classes waiting to make him look good for probation. He stopped going to those after he was released from probation.
MH is scheduled to go with me next week, so he is certainly willing. I may see if he can come tomorrow instead, in light of tonight's events. He may not want to leave his son at home alone.
I know medicine says addiction is a disease, but I have a hard time internalizing that. He chose to smoke pot, and then he chose to get into harder drugs. Then the drugs took over. I still am not sure he sees them as completely bad. ETA: That's not to say I'm discounting science, just that I have difficulty with the concept.
Focusing on the good stuff and talking with you all has calmed me down a lot. I'm feeding myself and drinking plenty of water to replace all those tears.
k1111k Honest question: The rehab ppl said most addicts trip up every now and then, especially in the early stages. How much is too much?
If he doesn't see them as completely bad @tweetykicks , he probably hasn't hit rock bottom. I'm sorry for all you're going through. Try to see if you can talk YH into rehab and a halfway house this time...doing it with your counselor and/or with advice from an addiction specialist may help.
When DH got the call from the cops, we had just started watching The Hobbit at the theatre, the second half of our celebration of clinical pregnancy. His son's first arrest was two weeks after our wedding (only a lot of money and negotiation saved him from prison). Three days into our honeymoon DH's son took my car--no license, obviously no permission. DH had to text him from Ireland that he'd call the cops if my car wasn't back within 10 minutes. We're lucky his older brother is a good rat :-). The staged intervention in June was a few days after my first IUI. I sat on a corner of the room with a weapon, just in case something happened, while DH confronted his son.
I'm sorry you're going through this. My brother has serious addiction problems (alcohol, coke, cigarettes, and pot, and probably more)- he's 35 and still lives at home with our parents. He's incredibly destructive and aggressive (holes in doors, 3 junk cars and a junk boat in the yard). Our dad is disabled now and has serious health issues, and my brother's smoking makes worse. But our mom just refuses to do anything about it. I ended up getting social services involved to help give them a way out (since I live out of state), but mom completely denied everything. I guess my point is what the social services guy told me when he called me to follow up- some parents would rather live with an abusive adult child than see their kid homeless. He sees it in otherwise normal, healthy adults all the time.
I hope you're able to get your husband on board with an in-patient rehab if possible. At least it's a decent compromise- he won't be out on the street, but he won't be in your home either- he'll be with people who are trained to handle that kind of person, and who aren't emotionally invested in them (so they can be more objective).
Post by bluefairy5 on Jan 18, 2015 21:02:26 GMT -5
nomnom Addiction sucks, and it's totally normal, as a non-addicted person, to intellectually understand that addiction is about changed brain chemistry and pathways, but to have a helluva time emotionally understanding the path addicted people's lives take while they're in their addiction.
From what I've experienced of addiction (again, only second-hand, so I don't want to speak out of turn compared to posters here who have overcome addictions themselves, and/or who are addiction treatment professionals) it can take many attempts to permanently and truly live a substance-free life, and especially with opiate addiction (and then, especially heroin), it can easily mean multiple trips to inpatient.
PP are right -- and I imagine your therapist will say something to this effect: You and YH cannot give your SS the help he needs right now. I've watched parents in my family try to provide help, and in the end professional, repeated inpatient help has been the only thing that really kicked in recovery.
Tweety, that is some crazy shit to live with. I feel so helpless for you and YH having to "care" and love a son going through these things.
I'm a pretty big advocate of halfway houses. We have one in our small town here, and you'd never know it. My mom teaches at the adult high school and has had some of the men as students and I know one of the girls who works at the house. It's a great community to help the young men get back on their feet again. It's almost like the system of accountability from rehab follows them into real life.
I really hope your counselling session goes well tomorrow and that YH is able to make some healthy decisions for the future of his son and the health of your pregnancy (which still makes me so ridiculously excited!! LOVE PAIF!!)
*All Welcome* Me (30) and MH (30) Dx: DOR, MTHFR + 1% Morph TTC since Nov '11 Nov '12 - MC at 6w6d Nov '14 - AFC 10, FSH 8, AMH 0.84, Morph 1% Mar '15 - IVF#1/ICSI, EPP: 7R, 5M, 4F, 3DT of 2x8 cell, grade 4 = BFN July '16 - IVF#2/ICSI, EPP & DHEA - OHIP-funded SET
murrt He did not go to a halfway house because there is not one in our town. The in-patient facility is an hour and a half away and has a halfway house nearby. I advocated for that, but DH thought it would be better for his son to come back here since he had classes waiting to make him look good for probation. He stopped going to those after he was released from probation.
MH is scheduled to go with me next week, so he is certainly willing. I may see if he can come tomorrow instead, in light of tonight's events. He may not want to leave his son at home alone.
I know medicine says addiction is a disease, but I have a hard time internalizing that. He chose to smoke pot, and then he chose to get into harder drugs. Then the drugs took over. I still am not sure he sees them as completely bad. ETA: That's not to say I'm discounting science, just that I have difficulty with the concept.
Focusing on the good stuff and talking with you all has calmed me down a lot. I'm feeding myself and drinking plenty of water to replace all those tears.
k1111k Honest question: The rehab ppl said most addicts trip up every now and then, especially in the early stages. How much is too much?
I think the fact that EMTs had to resuscitate him is too much. What if they didn't get to him in time? What if the hospital didn't have medication to help reverse the effects of heroin? Those two things alone should be a wake up call to him. He needs to know he's not invincible. And I know your DH has tried to get him the help he needs and loves his son very much but I don't know if it's in his son's best interest to keep rescuing him either? I'm sure his son knows deep down inside that he has something/someone to fall back on which can only feel reassuring as he continues to test the limits of his life.
Has your DH been to counseling or does he go to counseling regularly on his own to help him learn how best to help his son?
I think of addiction this way: I deal with anxiety and depression. A lot of the rest of the world views these as "issues" people have that they choose to succumb to. I fully agree that some people allow it to take over, or don't have the personal strength to want to get help. Regardless, I find it insulting when people who do not deal with depression/anxiety decide that it is not a medical problem and that we should just "get over it". At the same time, I see my step-brother-in-law whose mother has decided that his depression is a good enough excuse for him to be 32, living at home, not contributing to society or his household, and jobless. Explain to me how I am able to take my medication and preform like a functioning member of society (albeit with some worse days than others) and it's acceptable for him to stay at home and leach?
Ok. This is ranty and disjointed. Sorry about that. However, I say this because Depression and Addiction are both mental disorders that carry a lot of stigma. At the same time, they seem to operate on a spectrum related to how much the person dealing with the disorder is "enabled". My mom would kick my ass if I tried to withdraw from life and succumb to my depression. At the same time I fully fear her wrath if I was a recovering addict not doing my best to get better.
I hope some of this makes sense. If you're also reading the "Drunk before 4pm..." thread it might explain my horrible typing.
Also also that sounds super bad at the end of a thread about addiction. *sigh* I just like the taste!!
*All Welcome* Me (30) and MH (30) Dx: DOR, MTHFR + 1% Morph TTC since Nov '11 Nov '12 - MC at 6w6d Nov '14 - AFC 10, FSH 8, AMH 0.84, Morph 1% Mar '15 - IVF#1/ICSI, EPP: 7R, 5M, 4F, 3DT of 2x8 cell, grade 4 = BFN July '16 - IVF#2/ICSI, EPP & DHEA - OHIP-funded SET
@tweetieknicks I'm so sorry! I unfortunately have a lot of experience with addiction through family members (mom, sister, step daughter). His best bet is a long term rehab. A 30 day rehab at minimum would be better than nothing and maybe easier to get into at this point, my sis went to a six month program that was awesome. Your DH can't keep him in line on his own, SS needs professional help. If he won't go willingly you can certainly use the Marchment Act to force him to go but the fact that cops were called and he OD'd is there not anyone intervening?? They just sent him home from the hospital? In my opinion he should not even come home I would have taken him straight to rehab. I'm sorry you're going through this. He needs tough love and I hope your hubby can get some help also to help him through this. My advice is to stand by your DH to support him and to get his son into rehab. The timing sucks but such is life and this too shall pass. Stay strong.
I'm so sorry - what an awful, stressful situation. PPs gave lots of good advice. Inpatient treatment sounds like the best option for everyone, so I really hope that works out. <<hugs>>
vballbaby Involuntary commitment is not available in Illinois without court order. The Marchment Act seems to be valid only in Florida.
I'm amazed the cops are not pressing charges. Apparently the found no heroin in his room, so they can't charge him with posession. Possessing it in his veins is not a chargeable offence... I guess.
I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. I don't think you are overreacting. I would not feel comfortable with that living situation. I don't have experience with this but I would think rehab would be the best place for him. I hope your step son gets the help he needs and can recover from this.
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