I would let her know that you didn't host either shower and you weren't in charge of the guest list. She's on a different side of the family than either shower is being hosted for so she shouldn't really expect an invite. If you feel the need to give her an excuse, let her know you mom hosted a small, intimate gathering and didn't invite many people (unless it's a huge affair and she'd know you're lying). Don't feel obligated to invite her.
Post by divinemsbee on Mar 5, 2015 17:05:34 GMT -5
I mean, I can get that she'd be hurt. I'd be hurt. Especially if they generally suck it up for big occasions. While a baby shower isn't a wedding by any means, it generally is the celebration/get together that sort of celebrates the birth of the child/welcoming to motherhood.
You say she 'caused issues' at your wedding, and I'm not quite sure what that means or if she was totally awful, but if you're certain your MIL would not invite her, and you're being asked for input on the guest lists, I'd probably suck it up and invite her to the one my mom threw. Again, if she's a raging super bitch who totally wrecked your wedding, then maybe not, but you say that they suck it up for big events and you still see them at holidays and birthdays.
I say this mainly because she is, regardless of anything else, your FIL's wife. I don't know your or your H's relationship with his father, but if you don't invite her then it gets back to him. And it goes from there.
Look, you don't have to, you're a grown up. But if she's sensitive about these things, then she's going to be hurt. And she probably knows that you don't really care for her. So if you don't, you'll just have to let those chips fall where they may and deal with fallout as best you can. I'd invite her. For me, it would be easier if I intended to still have a relationship with her or my FIL.
Post by thiscoffeechick on Mar 5, 2015 18:10:05 GMT -5
I think it depends on the "issues" she caused at your wedding. A drama-free event trumps her need to feel included IMO and if she was really that awful at your wedding, she shouldn't be surprised that her behavior caused her to be dis-invited to other events. She's a grown up and she needs to take responsibility for her actions. I'm lucky to have a drama-free Stepmom I adore but I have little to no patience for adults that act like children.
I agree with thiscoffeechick & xcrissx. H's dad's side (H's aunts and grandmother, specifically) are generally miserable people (my FIL is awesome, thank goodness). But their misery REALLY LOVES company. They nearly ruined two baby showers before mine: H's brother's wife's and H's cousin. Therefore, we did not invite them to the shower and kept it small. If they asked any questions, it would be an easy 'intimate shower' answer & end of story.
I will not allow these people to create drama in our lives if I have any control over it. If their feelings are hurt, too bad; they have no regard for anyone else and we know better than to subject other family to it.
Post by billyhorrible on Mar 6, 2015 13:46:02 GMT -5
She may only be your husband's stepmom, but she's going to be your child's grandmother. Whatever your relationship with her shouldn't interfere with your child's ability to have a relationship with a woman who may be involved in his life.
I disagree about the hostess calls the shots things when it comes to who to invite. They're getting the guest list from someone. I would figure out a way to have her come to one of the events. Otherwise you're not looking at a drama filled day, but drama filled years.
She may only be your husband's stepmom, but she's going to be your child's grandmother. Whatever your relationship with her shouldn't interfere with your child's ability to have a relationship with a woman who may be involved in his life.
I can't get on board with this. I'm a STRONG believer in that, basically, if you want a relationship w/ a child, you HAVE to have a relationship with the parents and treat them with respect and be decent to them.
Now- I don't know about these issues that she caused. For all we know, the OP is blowing them out of proportion.
But I'll assume she isn't. If the stepmom is a hosebeast and cares more about herself than others, I dont' expect that the OP and her DH are really going to want the stepmom to have all that much of a "grandmotherly" role.
She acts like an ass at one family event? I think a very direct and clear consequence of that is that you don't get invited to other family events.
And really, back to what I first said, if someone treats ME like crap, they are getting limited - if any - access to my child.
My dilemma is that I think she will be hurt/furious if she isn't invited to a baby shower but I would feel really uncomfortable inviting her to the baby shower that my mom is hosting and since she caused issues at our wedding,
Again, don't know the issues she caused - but taking your words at face value, for some reason it doesn't surprise me that the person who caused issues at someone elses wedding is also the person who will be "furious" if she isn't included in other events.
To me, this is kind of the "squeaky wheel gets the oil". Nasty mean people seem to be the ones everyone is always nervous about upsetting more. SO - they never suffer the consequences of being nasty.
Being related to someone doesn't make them family. If Step-MIL is a toxic bitch, she doesn't get an invite, OP. You family is under NO obligation to host ANYONE from DH's side of the family.
Just one additional suggestion, maybe you can go out for lunch with FIL, husband and SMIL? At least that way it's still something where they're celebrating the new grandbaby with you guys, but its not on your mom or your MIL? you could even sort of say "oh dear, what an oversight. I'm so sorry you weren't invited to either shower, but to make up for it, can we take you two out for a celebratory lunch just the four of us?" Takes the pressure off the MIL and your mom, and it means that you share the spotlight with your husband instead of trying to handle her on your own.
Attacked and bullied is a no from me. If she knows no one that is going but you and your mom, how will she even know there is a shower? I mean just don't mention it and don't put it in FB or whatever and no hurt feelings.
how will she even know there is a shower? I mean just don't mention it and don't put it in FB or whatever and no hurt feelings.
Yeah, this. And really - if after the fact she finds out (because you can't keep EVERYONE from not mentioning it on FB), all you need to say is that it was a small shower and you weren't asked about the guest list. Don't feel bad about it.
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