It was a boy...

[amandaree]

Sorry I've been MIA for the past few days.  I hope everyone is recovering well. 

We got our Microarray results today - much earlier than anticipating.  I missed the call from the nurse and her voice message said she'd post the results in our online health portal and that I could call and schedule a follow up appointment with my RE to discuss the results in detail and create a plan for the future.  So I logged in to our health portal and here was the message:

The results from the chromosome analysis state: Normal Male Results

WTF?? First I was so shocked to see that it was a boy.  It was like a knife to my heart.  I think because this time I hadn't seen a heartbeat (as I did with the last one) that it was easier to detach emotionally but this just brought it all back to reality that I have lost my son.  My heart is breaking all over again.

Second - I was really expecting to see some kind of abnormal result - I know that sounds awful, but since the majority of miscarriages are caused by a chromosomal abnormality I assumed this would be the case and that testing might provide some insight.  Now I'm left with more questions and no answers and the reality that my son didn't die because of a genetic defect but more likely because of something wrong with me and my uterus.

I had been handling things pretty well emotionally - allowed myself some grieving time and closure last week - yet I feel like this new news is a bit of a setback.

Physically I am doing much better this time than last.  My bleeding is now just very, very light brown spotting.  No more cramps and the fatigue has gone.  I'm hoping that with now this last piece of information I will be able to indeed get some closure and move on to figuring out a plan for the future.  My appointment with my RE is on the 14th.  Until then...

"Good night, sweet prince,
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!"

[nikolie93]

oh sweetie, I am so sorry finding out it was a boy felt like a set back. So many *hugs* for you. I know it may feel like a set back now but I have to say, and I am much further out from my losses as many of you ladies here, I kind of wish I would have known if my losses were girls or boys.

It's so hard when things come back normal. We don't want anything wrong, but we want to understand why it did go wrong. It's such a hard, confusion, situation.

Good luck at the RE appointment on the 14th, please keep us posted!

[followthesun]

I can only imagine how many feelings that brought up for you. Like you, I had testing done after my loss. Thankfully, the doctor called with the result and did not bring up the gender issue. I know that would have thrown me for a loop. I'm glad you have your next steps planned out, and I wish you comfort in the meantime. So many ((hugs)).

[babyzebra]

I'm really sorry that this news has been a set back. I think we all kind of assume that there was some sort of chromosomal problem with our LOs and I can see how finding out that there wasn't makes you feel like you have more questions than before. I hope that your RE can provide some insight and a plan moving forward. In the meantime please use us to get out any feelings that you need to discuss. I'll be thinking and praying for you. ((Hugs))

[rablissful]

I am so sorry. All of the news is heartbreaking... the gender and the results. I hope you and your RE can figure out what the issue is. ((Hugs))

[amandaree]

Mar 31, 2015 13:15:10 GMT -5 nikolie93 said:

oh sweetie, I am so sorry finding out it was a boy felt like a set back. So many *hugs* for you. I know it may feel like a set back now but I have to say, and I am much further out from my losses as many of you ladies here, I kind of wish I would have known if my losses were girls or boys.

It's so hard when things come back normal. We don't want anything wrong, but we want to understand why it did go wrong. It's such a hard, confusion, situation.

Good luck at the RE appointment on the 14th, please keep us posted!

nikolie93, Thank you.  I guess what I mean by a set back is that I had felt like I had some closure and was doing well in my grieving process.  Then this news made it feel like now I'm starting all over in the grieving process. My grief counselor told me last time that it's not a linear process and that spirals are normal...but I just feel like I'm back to square one.

I am glad however to know it was a boy...it just hurts a little more and makes the reality of a lost son just a bit more personal.

[nikolie93]

I can understand that completely *hug*

[starfishy]

I'm sorry the news was a set back for you. I hope that when you speak with your doctors you can some answers. Hugs

[monabea28]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope you can get some answers after your appointment on the 14th. ((Hugs)) and comfort to you.

[craftcrazymama]

I so so sorry that you're feeling these new feelings of grief. I can completely understand that finding out nothing was wrong almost makes it harder. As much as we don't want anything to be wrong, discovering an abnormality at least makes it easier to accept that the loss was for a reason of some kind.

Big hugs as you go through this next phase of grief.

[hollyberry]

I am so sorry! I can understand how it feels like you are back to the beginning of the process. So many hugs**

[mrssqueegy]

I am so sorry. Finding out the sex seems to make everything more real. Big hugs!

ETA: Words are hard

[vballbaby]

amandaree, awww I'm so sorry...I know just how you feel as I went through it last week. Big hugs to you. It does hurt, as it makes it feel all the more real by imagining the son that you lost. I know there's a lot of people who would rather not know the sex, but I'm glad I found out. It is a set back however, so allow yourself to cry and feel the emotions and you'll be able to move on and feel even stronger. (((((((BIG HUGS))))) Those are big giant hugs!

[crazycatlady6]

I'm sorry you had a setback finding out that you had a boy. It does make it harder but for me, I felt great comfort knowing that I had a little girl and naming her is helping me in the grieving process.

I just got my pathology report back today and I am having a hard time with the unknown answer from my m/c as well. I expected nothing wrong with the chromosomes since I had all my embryos tested but I was expecting something other than that to show up. I hope you get some closure and that your RE has a game plan for moving forward.

(((Hugs)))

[cabgirl]

I'm so sorry. The day we found out our baby was a girl was a hard one for me, too. It did feel like a setback, but now that some weeks have passed, I'm glad we know. It helps me to know that we had a girl, because there was (and is) so little we could know about our baby.. and knowing this about her makes me feel closer to her, somehow.

I'm sorry you didn't get an answer that was reassuring to you. I know it has to be hard not to know what caused your loss. I hope you can at least find some peace in knowing that, whatever it was, it was not your fault. And your therapist is exactly right - grief isn't a linear process, it definitely comes in waves and circles back on itself. But those waves will become less overwhelming, and you will come to accept this experience as part of your life, and incorporate the reality of your loss into your perception of the world, in hopefully a positive way. It WILL get easier. For now, just give yourself time to feel what you feel. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet son.