Ranting/venting thread

[crazycatlady6]

So I'm at my parents for the week and have a lot of fun things planned with mom. My dad and I have always had a rocky relationship and he pissed me off something major today.

My mother has a counseling session with her therapist today and she asked me multiple times over the last week if I want to go to her appointment with her. No, thank you. She mentioned it to me again this morning and I told her that if I do speak to someone, I want to talk to someone who has personal experience so she can relate. I also told her that I have been meeting up with a friend once a week who has struggled with infertility and had 2 losses and she has given me some great insight.

Then my father tells me that I need to go since I'm overreacting about the whole thing and 2 big red flags are that I named my daughter and I bought a necklace that is a butterfly with a heart in the middle and a halo to remember her. He also claimed that I am not moving on with my life. I had my D&E less than 3 weeks ago.

My personal beliefs are that she had a heartbeat and was a living being. It doesn't matter that she never took a step on this Earth. Yes, I am handling it different than my parents did when they had their miscarriage back 40 years ago. Theirs was a surprise pregnancy, they miscarried, then they got pregnant 2 months later and had my sister. They did not have the infertility issues. At this point, I have 4 years, multiple treatments and multiple surgeries invested into trying to have a baby.

He wouldn't let it go, even when I told him the answer is no and time to drop the subject. Thankfully, I had my running gear on and told them it was time for my run and I was going to the park. Now I am sitting here after my run killing time until the appointment so I don't try to get pressured into going when I get back.

I am not back at work yet which I think that is part of what my dad is referring to. I took a leave of absence when I was having complications in the pregnancy and took leave until the beginning of May. I could go back if I wanted to but I am taking some time for me. I have another musical that starts in 2 weeks, I am training for a half marathon the first weekend in May, and I am meeting up with friends for lunch on a regular basis. I am also doing massive spring cleaning to our house since MH and I haven't had the time or energy to go through things in quite some time and we ran out of space to put things. I still cry on occasion but that is normal.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[babyzebra]

crazycatlady6 I'm really sorry that your parents are acting this way. It's really not right for them to expect you to react any specific way. We all deal with grief differently and they should respect that. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. ((Hugs))

[crazycatlady6]

I am not surprised they are acting this way, but it really hurt when he said I was overreacting about everything and that I am not moving on. Everybody handles situations differently, but don't tell me I am wrong in how I feel and my personal beliefs. I also called MH and we talked for a few minutes which that helped.

[vballbaby]

crazycatlady6, I'm really sorry, sounds like your Father is being an insensitive ass. I'm sure he just wants you to be happy since you are his daughter, and he probably feels helpless, but he needs to respect that you're grieving process is yours and no one else's. I'd be tempted to up and outta there if his attitude doesn't change. It's not like you can flip a f'in switch and get over it. ((hugs))

[hollyberry]

I am so sorry you had to deal with that. Never feel like you can't feel like how you feel. You have every right to mourn and there is no time limit on that. So, so many hugs. I think its great that you have been able to take the time for yourself and get things done and grieve.

[nikolie93]

Oh hon, I'm feeling all kinds of ragey things reading that. I'm so sorry.

And it sounds as if you are moving on just fine. Random times of sadness and tears are normal. I still have them and my first loss was 2 years ago with my 3rd 5 months ago. I still have shitty days so screw that! (I won't say screw them in respect to your parents)

Just know that you can't help you you're feeling and your feelings are justified. Hang in there and you just keep doing what you're doing *hug*

[crazycatlady6]

Thanks for your support today

I got back to my parents just in time to see my mom leave for her appt. When I went inside, he didn't bring it up and I wasn't about to since I was still pissed. When my mom got home, she told me that the therapist thought the necklace was a beautiful idea. She also told mom to relay the message to my dad that "no means no", people grieve in their own ways, and why wasn't he at the appt. as well (they sometimes go together)?

I have to admit, I got a little satisfaction out of that last question.

[nikolie93]

I'm so glad the therapist said that to your mom!

[cabgirl]

I got so angry reading the things your father said to you.

What you've lost is immeasurable. How dare he try to put limits or a time frame on your grieving. You lost a baby; one that you had planned for, longed for, gone to great lengths to conceive. You loved your baby, and that loss is immense. You have every right to grieve, as intensely and for as long as you need to. Anybody who tells you differently needs to be put in their place, and if he can't be made to understand that comments like that aren't appropriate under ANY circumstances, maybe you need to take a break from seeing or talking to him, because he certainly isn't helping.

I strongly recommend getting a copy of a book called Coping With Infertility, Miscarriage, and Neonatal Loss, by Amy Wenzel. She does an excellent job of explaining that no level of grief in the event of a miscarriage is "abnormal" or "too much." She writes that if you're feeling like a danger to yourself or others, you should seek help, but that otherwise, any level of grieving is normal and okay, even if you sometimes feel otherwise. She does go into detail about the different responses to grief that we have, and how they are all okay and "normal." She also talks about miscarriage during struggles with infertility. I feel like your father might benefit from reading it, too.

I'm so sorry that someone close to you invalidated your feelings, or made it seem like they were abnormal and unwarranted. I just want you to know that I think it's beautiful that you found a way to memorialize your baby (I did, too, along with many other women here). Lots of us also choose to name our babies. There is NOTHING wrong with the way you are grieving. I still remember how I felt 3 weeks after my D&C, and I was FAR from okay. I was just then returning to work, and still feeling very raw and emotional. I still do, many days. There is nothing wrong with the point you are at in your healing process.

[crazycatlady6]

Dad and I had it out yesterday after my mom told him that what he said was totally inappropriate. Later on that night, he started critiquing my eating habits since I am not much of a veggie eater, never have. I called him out on that as well as I work for a weight loss company and live a healthy lifestyle at home. My food intake has not been the greatest lately but I can give two shits about that right now. He is a diabetic and has been eating way too much sugar. When I told him that, he said I needed to go to sleep since I was cranky. No, it was called I was standing up for myself and calling him out since nobody else does.

He did have 2 appts. this week where both doctors said he is really depressed. I feel bad for him, but I am so relieved to be leaving tomorrow and going to my friend's house for the weekend. I really need to decompress. He's just not a person that is good for my overall well-being right now.

I did put the book on my wish list for amazon and will be purchasing it on my kindle when I get home. Thanks for the recommendation.

[cabgirl]

Apr 9, 2015 23:06:59 GMT -5 crazycatlady6 said:

Dad and I had it out yesterday after my mom told him that what he said was totally inappropriate. Later on that night, he started critiquing my eating habits since I am not much of a veggie eater, never have. I called him out on that as well as I work for a weight loss company and live a healthy lifestyle at home. My food intake has not been the greatest lately but I can give two shits about that right now. He is a diabetic and has been eating way too much sugar. When I told him that, he said I needed to go to sleep since I was cranky. No, it was called I was standing up for myself and calling him out since nobody else does.

He did have 2 appts. this week where both doctors said he is really depressed. I feel bad for him, but I am so relieved to be leaving tomorrow and going to my friend's house for the weekend. I really need to decompress. He's just not a person that is good for my overall well-being right now.

I did put the book on my wish list for amazon and will be purchasing it on my kindle when I get home. Thanks for the recommendation.

I'm sorry your dad is struggling with depression; I really feel for him - but there's no way he should be picking on you like this, especially now! I'm guessing there's more to this than meets the eye. Maybe he feels sad for himself, because he lost a grandchild, too. Maybe he's very worried about you, and his way of showing it is to nitpick. Either way, there's really no excuse. But I'm really glad you stood up for yourself and called him out on his crappy behavior. I know that can't have been easy to do.

Re: eating well, I think all I ate for two or three weeks after my miscarriage was buttered toast and Cadbury creme eggs. I also drank a lot of Coke (which is something I never do). I found it comforting, and I was such a wreck that if I could find comfort in eating certain foods, I was damn well going to do it, whether it was good for me or not. Now that I'm feeling better emotionally, I'm back to my normal, healthy diet. So, TL;DR - don't worry or feel guilty about your diet right now, and don't let anyone else make you feel bad either. As you start feeling better, you'll get back to your normal habits. 

I'm glad you're getting away to a friend's house tomorrow. And glad you're ordering the book! Keep us updated on how you're doing. We're here for you when you need us.

[nikolie93]

Well, it's like cabgirl is in my head!

I just want to add that I am also sorry for your dad's depression. My dad struggled with depression his whole life and sometimes it's hard for us to understand some of the things they say/do, and how they act. I am not downplaying the shittiness of it because you are going through such a hard time right now as well.

As for the eating...I ate whatever the hell I wanted for a few weeks after my losses. I have since gotten past that and am back to my normal, healthy(ish) eating.

*hugs*