So...hi

[soultrane]

I've been lurking this week and first want to thank you all for the information you've given me. The Advice thread has helped me significantly and I felt prepared to have the difficult "next steps" conversation when I went to the doctor today, so thank you for sharing your experiences. 

So, my story:
I had a sonogram on Monday (should have been 8w3d) and instead saw an empty yolk sac with a questionable fetal pole. My doc wanted to proceed conservatively since I hadn't had any spotting or cramping, and I was still experiencing pregnancy symptoms. Before officially diagnosing a miscarriage, she wanted to check my hcg levels and do a follow up sono if needed. 

Monday's hcg level was 26000+ so I was still super guarded but wasn't counting myself out yet
Wednesday's hcg level was 24000 

I met with my doctor today and decided that since we're approaching the weekend and a D&C wouldn't be an option until early next week anyway, we're going to attempt Cytotec this weekend and they're scheduling a D&C for next week as a back-up plan if the Cytotec doesn't work. 

Emotionally, I feel as ok as I can right now. I cried a lot yesterday after it was confirmed, but was fine today at the doctor, even after having to fill out a patient form that asked me if I thought I might be pregnant (wtf?!?)  How was I supposed to respond? "Um, kind of??" My OBs office has been great though otherwise and the doc was awesome today. I'm definitely nervous about miscarrying at home, but I'm as prepared as I know how to be at this point.

I'm still kind of numb over the whole situation, but I've gotten some great support on the November board this week while I was in limbo. My family has been mostly supportive but none of them have experienced a loss, so I've gotten some unintentionally insensitive questions and comments. "Why no, I don't find any relief in knowing that it happened so early. There is no silver lining to find here." 

Anyway, I'm rambling now. Thanks again for being here this week, even though I hadn't introduced myself. 

[nikolie93]

Hi there! I'm so sorry you find yourself here but welcome. I'm glad that reading others experiences helped you be a bit prepared.

I'm sorry you've gotten some of the insensitive remarks... Be ready to hear more. I don't think people intend to be hurtful but so many have no idea what to say so they say something without even thinking.

Also be ready to have ups and downs. It seems to hit at random times unfortunately.

I'm sorry your weekend is starting like this but I hope it passes quickly for you. Have a heating pad ready, it was a life saver for me!

We are here if you need to talk to others who understand, vent, or have questions.

*hugs*

[soultrane]

Apr 10, 2015 16:21:31 GMT -5 nikolie93 said:

Hi there! I'm so sorry you find yourself here but welcome. I'm glad that reading others experiences helped you be a bit prepared.

I'm sorry you've gotten some of the insensitive remarks... Be ready to hear more. I don't think people intend to be hurtful but so many have no idea what to say so they say something without even thinking.

Also be ready to have ups and downs. It seems to hit at random times unfortunately.

I'm sorry your weekend is starting like this but I hope it passes quickly for you. Have a heating pad ready, it was a life saver for me!

We are here if you need to talk to others who understand, vent, or have questions.

*hugs*

Thank you! Today is thankfully a good day. Yesterday was pretty terrible so I'm preparing for things to be a bit roller-coastery for a while. Thanks for the heating pad tip! I actually have it out still from some lower back discomfort I had a few weeks ago, which thinking back may have been some initial cramping when things didn't develop, but who knows?

So I'm preparing for a terrible weekend, which will consist of doing my taxes and having a miscarriage. Never thought I would be able to write that sentence! 

Also, I should warn you all that I make inappropriate jokes in order to keep my sanity when things go to shit, so if anything I say is offensive, just tell me to shut up and I'll gladly oblige. 

[Deleted]

Sorry to see you here, but welcome soultrane ... I'm from the November board as well and had first read your story there. I'm sorry you've had to deal with insensitive remarks from your family - it's difficult to speak with people who haven't experienced loss about your own, sometimes.

It's a terrible little club, but the company here is fantastic. Take care of yourself this weekend *hugs*

[hydrangea1019]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this and I'm sorry you've gotten those remarks from family members. We have to. I just keep having to remind myself they don't get it.

I hope everything passes quickly for you. We're here if you need us.

[followthesun]

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you find yourself here. I hope you can lean on us if need be. Big ((hugs)) as you get through this difficult time.

[vlinder]

Sorry to see more November folks here too :/

[swivelchair5]

So sorry for your loss, as well as the insensitive comments you have received.

[vivela]

It is so hard to be in that waiting phase. I'm sorry people are being insensitive. When I had my loss a lot of people around me had experienced it, and it really did help because it made me feel like I wasn't unusual or alone. I know it isn't the same to have that online, but you aren't alone. I hope this board is helpful to you, and you make your way onto Conceiving after a Loss eventually.

[crazygirl82]

I was on the November boards with you but was more active on the pregnant after infertility board. I'm now going through almost the same situation as you. I went for my first US at 7 weeks and 2 days. They found several sacs (I had three blastocysts transferred), the largest measuring 7 weeks 6 days with a fetal pole but no heartbeat. I naively thought since I had no bleeding or cramping and pregnancy symptoms that everything was fine. My ob wanted to do a d and c immediately but my RE wants to wait a week and rescan just to be sure. I'm sure like me you are devastated and heartbroken. I just wanted to send you my support and virtual hugs.

[soultrane]

Thanks everyone. I recognize the November ladies and I'm sad that we all ended up here together, but I'm grateful for the support. I was fortunate to be able to talk to a friend last night who recently experienced a loss and it was definitely helpful to connect to someone I know IRL who understands.

I've been lurking CAL and will probably make my way over there once I get through the loss part of this. I took the Cytotec about 30 minutes ago and I'm already starting to feel some mild cramping, so even though I'm kind of terrified about what will happen next I'm hoping that this means it's going to work and I can get past this part relatively quickly.

Thank you again for all of the support!

[nikolie93]

soultrane innapropriate is ok, I tend to be that way too!

Good luck today, I hope it works for you. Keep us posted!

[starfishy]

I'm sorry for you loss. I will be thinking of you.

[babyzebra]

I'm really sorry for your loss. I hope you can start healing and feel some peace soon. Please keep us updated on how you are doing.

[rablissful]

So sorry for your loss. As PP have said, be ready for ups and downs. I had a natural miscarriage and after a week went by I was great. That went to hell in a hand basket after some situations arose.

I'm glad you found yourself here. It's the greatest place nobody wants to be. We're all here for you! ((Hugs))

[soultrane]

I'm fairly certain that I passed everything yesterday and this morning, but I imagine my doc will confirm that this week at some point. I'm feeling ok physically, and mostly emotionally. I got really upset though this afternoon when I realized that I had only heard from one family member today to see how I was doing.

My mom and MIL didn't call me until late this afternoon. I know it's silly because at least they called me to check in, but I definitely sat here all day realizing that everyone else has kind of moved on already. I'm starting to get what everyone means now about this being a lonely, isolating experience.

[nikolie93]

soultrane, unfortunately others do move on quickly, especially if they have never experienced a loss. That is why I was so very happy to have the ladies of this board that seemed to understand everything.

[hollyberry]

I am sorry for your loss. Its a tricky situation, other people have no idea whats it like unless they have been there, there are no words they are taught to say, like with a other death. It is definitely very isolating, but we are here, and we all understand and feel for you, as we have all been there. Hugs

[crazycatlady6]

I'm so sorry for your loss, I remember you from the November '15 boards as we had a musical connection. It sucks that we meet again over here but I'm glad you intro'd as these ladies are great and have helped me get through some really rough moments over the past month.

Did you have your doctor's appt. yet? How are you feeling?

(((hugs)))