Buzzfeed Essay on Miscarriage

[renbee]

www.buzzfeed.com/jenniferchen/why-i-dont-want-my-miscarriage-to-stay-secret?bffb&utm_term=4ldqpgp&s=mobile

I love this - it spoke to me. I am so tempted to share it on fb, but we aren't "out" about our loss to anyone outside of our family.

"What I’ve learned is that there is no 'getting over it.' The grief of my loss is part of me. It always will be."

(Sorry, I know this isn't TTCAL, but I know many here have also been through loss)

[mysunshine0629]

Thanks for sharing! I read tgus earlier today with tears in my eye the whole time. My loss was not too long okay and her description up until she had her D&C was almost the exact same as mine.

She's totally right...no one wants to talk about it, but once it gets brought up, SO many people have been through it.

[teenybenoit]

Thank you for sharing. I didn't tell a lot of people about our mc, I think about milestones, like the 28th we would have been 12 weeks, right around the time we would have started telling people. It's hard not to feel alone sometime. I'm glad I got you guys to talk to about it. Hugs.

[Martinis&Medicine]

I saw this today and cried. A lot of entertainment sites have been doing posts about IF and loss lately (or I only just noticed them anyway).
One of the things that I really loved about this post is it didn't end with "then I had a baby", it ended with her in the midst of her struggle.
Maybe that sounds morbid. Maybe it is. But at this point I, personally, have come to terms with possibly never having children. Never having the 'happy ending'. The stories that either end like mine, or haven't ended yet, are so meaningful to me.

[longhornwino0907]

While I haven't experienced a loss, I can relate to this from an infertility standpoint. Just like losses, no one talks about infertility or struggles to conceive. I've been very open about it on my blog and sooooo many friends have come forward saying they've dealt with similar things. And it's been such a relief to know that it's not just my body that's refusing to do what it was made to do. I'm not alone. My husband and I are not alone.

Hugs to all who need them!

[doggiestyle88]

Thank you for sharing. Parts of this really resonated with me. I have thought about sharing articles like this on FB and "outing" myself as a loss mom, but DH is very private and uncomfortable with the idea. I just hate the perception that you can snap your fingers and pop out a baby without any complications along the way.

[littlemrsw]

Thank you so much for sharing. So much of it was spot on for my loss. While I was having my blood taken right before my d&c (in the maternity ward) the doc congratulated me on my pregnancy. I didn't even have the words to respond.
It is truly something that stays with you forever.

[rlpointer86]

Thanks for sharing. Even though it was months ago, I still struggle with my losses. I shared my experiences on my own blog because I knew bottling it up was bad for me and I thought maybe by sharing I might help someone else or at least let them know that they aren't alone. It was hard to share and it's hard to go to play groups with my daughter now since so many of those women are pregnant. But from sharing I learned about a lot of other women who also went through miscarriages and I had no idea. It's definitely something that will be with me forever.

[finnaroo]

Jan 20, 2015 21:18:51 GMT -5 Martinis&Medicine said:

I saw this today and cried. It was awesome. A lot of entertainment sites have been doing posts about IF and loss lately (or I only just noticed them anyway).
One of the things that I really loved about this post is it didn't end with "then I had a baby", it ended with her in the midst of her struggle.
Maybe that sounds morbid. Maybe it is. But at this point I, personally, have come to terms with possibly never having children. Never having the 'happy ending'. The stories that either end like mine, or haven't ended yet, are so meaningful to me.

I get what you're saying.

My loss was at 9.5 weeks (during my first pregnancy), and I got really angry when people basically said that I could always have more children. Besides the fact that one child isn't a replacement for another, I had no idea at the time if it was a fluke or the start of a long and hard road. I think that stories ending with the "but then I had a baby and I'm ok" angle just gloss over the fact that there might be more heartbreak in store for some parents and you don't know how it will all unfold.

[PugMum]

Thank you for sharing. I also am still dealing with the trauma of my MMC over a year ago. It is always comforting to know that you are not alone.

[aswedishbee]

Jan 20, 2015 20:41:32 GMT -5 renbee said:

www.buzzfeed.com/jenniferchen/why-i-dont-want-my-miscarriage-to-stay-secret?bffb&utm_term=4ldqpgp&s=mobile

I love this - it spoke to me. I am so tempted to share it on fb, but we aren't "out" about our loss to anyone outside of our family.

"What I’ve learned is that there is no 'getting over it.' The grief of my loss is part of me. It always will be."

(Sorry, I know this isn't TTCAL, but I know many here have also been through loss)

I was lurking and came across this. Thanks for sharing; I have a few friends who will appreciate it, too. { h u g s }

[kaliRN]

Thank you. This is just what I needed to read. The pain is like you can't even describe but knowing others have experienced it and know what I'm feeling helps me keep going. Having this community is a blessing. I've often thought of putting it all out there on facebook bc there are so many more out there who live in the dark afraid to talk about it. I haven't been brave enough yet but I may soon. I loved this article. Thank you

[thewickedfairy]

My MMC was 4.5 years ago. I still have moments that I break down. Thank you for sharing this.

[notlindsrockies]

I love that she had so much courage and shared her struggle with others. It helps in the fight to erase the shame and secrecy surrounding pregnancy loss.

Thanks for sharing.

[icaughtfire]

Thank you for sharing this renbee. After reading it, I thought about sharing on Facebook but I'm also scared to "out" myself. Which is sad...I have nothing to be ashamed of, but I feel like if I share it with the world people will pity me. I don't want to be pitied.

((HUGS)) to you, and all the other loss moms out there.

[beckynsean11]

I read that this morning & cried. I'll probably share it on FB since we're very out about our losses. We haven't shared the loss of Carson yet, but plan to this week. I'll share it after that. I don't want the pity from others, but that's going to happen. We have a few close friends & family members due very soon; I need them to understand why we're not going to be able to be as overly excited for them as we would have been.

[MrsC0617]

Hugs to everyone.

[EmeraldEyes85]

Thank you, that was so special.xx

[WVaRN]

Thank you so much for sharing. Mine was all the way in 2009. I was also put in the postpartum section of the hospital. I am now house supervisor at the same hospital. I am in charge of assigning beds. I have since educated my co-workers about how horrible that felt and we never put a miscarriage anywhere close to the nursery or postpartum section.

[raelynn71109]

Thanks for sharing this!

I actually "came out" on FB about my loss on October 15th. Part of me just felt like I needed people to know that my baby had existed. And I wanted to do my part to help break the silence and the taboo that surrounds miscarriage. It's not fair that we have to grieve in silence just because it makes others uncomfortable to talk about it. It's not fair that we have to return to work days later and pretend that nothing has happened, pretend that we haven't just lost a piece of ourselves. Why is it ok to talk about the loss of a parent, friend, etc, but not the loss of an unborn child?

It was very nerve-wracking to hit that post button, but I'm so glad I did. I actually had a friend PM me within just a few minutes later to let me know that my post took her breath away and that she had just had a loss two weeks prior. I was so glad that she knew she could turn to me and that I was able to be there for her.

[fuzzylogic]

God, so much of that is so familiar. I felt the exact same way. Still do. That poor woman. I can't imagine going through that entire debacle.

I still haven't brought myself to tell people, and it's been just shy of two years. I still cry about it.

[spaghettioh]

Jan 21, 2015 0:13:18 GMT -5 icaughtfire said:

Thank you for sharing this renbee. After reading it, I thought about sharing on Facebook but I'm also scared to "out" myself. Which is sad...I have nothing to be ashamed of, but I feel like if I share it with the world people will pity me. I don't want to be pitied.

((HUGS)) to you, and all the other loss moms out there.

I feel the exact same way. Being pitied would make me feel even more sad.

But this post has inspired me. Maybe now I will tell my mom, dad and best friend about my loss.

[renbee]

Jan 21, 2015 0:13:18 GMT -5 icaughtfire said:

Thank you for sharing this renbee. After reading it, I thought about sharing on Facebook but I'm also scared to "out" myself. Which is sad...I have nothing to be ashamed of, but I feel like if I share it with the world people will pity me. I don't want to be pitied.

((HUGS)) to you, and all the other loss moms out there.

Yes - this exactly. I don't want to be pitied or look like I'm trying to get attention or something. Which is silly. But I know there has to be others I know who have gone through the same thing, and I would love to connect with them. I wish sometimes that I had someone IRL to talk to who understands.

Hugs to everyone here who needs it!

[renbee]

Jan 21, 2015 2:43:28 GMT -5 raelynn71109 said:

Thanks for sharing this!

I actually "came out" on FB about my loss on October 15th. Part of me just felt like I needed people to know that my baby had existed. And I wanted to do my part to help break the silence and the taboo that surrounds miscarriage. It's not fair that we have to grieve in silence just because it makes others uncomfortable to talk about it. It's not fair that we have to return to work days later and pretend that nothing has happened, pretend that we haven't just lost a piece of ourselves. Why is it ok to talk about the loss of a parent, friend, etc, but not the loss of an unborn child?

It was very nerve-wracking to hit that post button, but I'm so glad I did. I actually had a friend PM me within just a few minutes later to let me know that my post took her breath away and that she had just had a loss two weeks prior. I was so glad that she knew she could turn to me and that I was able to be there for her.

I admire your courage so much!! It really is sad that the subject is so taboo.

I totally relate about just wanting to acknowledge that your baby existed. I broke down in tears this Christmas because my MIL showed me her necklace that has charms with all of her grandkids' initials. She had added a charm with a heart on it - she told me "this one's yours". Oh man, I just lost it. It meant SO MUCH to me just to have that small recognition of our baby.

[raelynn71109]

[/quote]I admire your courage so much!! It really is sad that the subject is so taboo.

I totally relate about just wanting to acknowledge that your baby existed. I broke down in tears this Christmas because my MIL showed me her necklace that has charms with all of her grandkids' initials. She had added a charm with a heart on it - she told me "this one's yours". Oh man, I just lost it. It meant SO MUCH to me just to have that small recognition of our baby. [/quote]


QBF

renbee



That made me tear up. I love that your MIL included a charm for your angel baby. That's so sweet!

[dashforcashfan]

I couldn't finish reading the replies. DH now thinks I'm a lunatic. ugly crying.

[kellybenelly83]

this was posted on my feed by someone who had never had one. trying to encourage others to come forward. A few people did. I chose to send her a pm with my details and asked her to post anonymously. To me it isnt a source of shame, I keep quiet because I dont want to dwell. I have been open with my friends and a few coworkers, but I choose to keep it to myself mostly because I want to move forward and heal, not that I will ever be hole again. I also just dont want to hear the bullshit answers about how its for the best etc. I believe in the science of the fact, there is nothing shameful about your body reacting and miscarrying a child that might have never made it to term. Or miscarrying a child that was ectopic and could have killed you.
I also refuse to be shamed into coming out on a social media to talk about something that I believe is very private and should be dealt with at the discretion of the parents. if they want to come out and talk fine, but dont make me feel like I'm succumbing to shame because I choose to heal privately.

[icaughtfire]

I ended up biting the bullet & sharing on Facebook. Her words touched me. I kept it vague, so people can assume whatever they'd like. But, maybe someone else reading might be touched by her words too.

[doggiestyle88]

Jan 21, 2015 10:55:54 GMT -5 renbee said:

Jan 21, 2015 2:43:28 GMT -5 raelynn71109 said:

Thanks for sharing this!

I actually "came out" on FB about my loss on October 15th. Part of me just felt like I needed people to know that my baby had existed. And I wanted to do my part to help break the silence and the taboo that surrounds miscarriage. It's not fair that we have to grieve in silence just because it makes others uncomfortable to talk about it. It's not fair that we have to return to work days later and pretend that nothing has happened, pretend that we haven't just lost a piece of ourselves. Why is it ok to talk about the loss of a parent, friend, etc, but not the loss of an unborn child?

It was very nerve-wracking to hit that post button, but I'm so glad I did. I actually had a friend PM me within just a few minutes later to let me know that my post took her breath away and that she had just had a loss two weeks prior. I was so glad that she knew she could turn to me and that I was able to be there for her.

I admire your courage so much!! It really is sad that the subject is so taboo.

I totally relate about just wanting to acknowledge that your baby existed. I broke down in tears this Christmas because my MIL showed me her necklace that has charms with all of her grandkids' initials. She had added a charm with a heart on it - she told me "this one's yours". Oh man, I just lost it. It meant SO MUCH to me just to have that small recognition of our baby.

What a sweet thing for your MIL to do!

[renbee]

Jan 21, 2015 11:18:41 GMT -5 @moonandback141 said:

Ugh this made me cry.

And then reading all the replies made me cry more.

And now I'm at my desk, crying, and just like my miscarriage, trying to hide it from everyone.

I am also too scared to come out and say it because I still haven't got my happy ending. I don't want everyone thinking how shitty I must feel because of it, because somehow them knowing I feel shitty makes me feel more shitty. Does that make sense?

I was contemplating sharing the news on October 15th but I honestly don't know what situation I will be in then and if I will be brave enough to do it.

But I do want people to know....eventually.

This! Yes I totally understand. I feel like I won't be able to hold myself together and put on a brave face as well if others know I am hurting. I don't want people constantly wondering if I'm ok. Because most of the time, I really am ok.

Idk. The feelings surrounding my miscarriage are the most complex and hard-to-describe emotions that I've ever experienced. Glad to be in the company of women who can relate!