I just snapped at my OB

[sarahufl]

Today marks the one month post-op from my Ectopic Pregnancy, 2 more months to go before we are cleared to try again. I am still not mentally THERE for the starting trying thing, but we'll see.

Anyway, I had been feeling really good- both mentally and physically. Sunday, my belly button started really hurting (where the largest incision was) after being fine for about 2 weeks. It started oozing snotty looking puss and was crusty and gross. Yesterday it was all red and itchy and still sore. I kind of broke down about it to H last night- I just want to feel NORMAL again. It's like- ok, body, I get it. I am not pregnant. You win. It is just this constant reminder of all the crap. It's been SIX WEEKS since I found out my pregnancy wasn't viable and I just want to move on with my life. I just want to stop hurting, to stop being reminded daily about this whole shit.

I made an appt to see my OB today because I was worried it was infected. I have been going to this practice for years, long before even talking about TTC, but I had been seeing the same doctor. Since I got pregnant, I have rotated through all the doctors at the practice and the one I saw this morning was new. She was very nice, super friendly and talkative, she assured me my belly button was fine and cleaned it for me. Then she launched into a whole talk about how while, yes, I am at a higher risk of an Ectopic, there is no reason to think it will happen again. And I asked why not- I had no reason to think it would happen this time but 100% of my pregnancies have been Ectopic, so I am understandably a bit on the anxious side.

So she said I will get pregnant and I will have my baby. I knew she was saying it to be nice, but it really rubbed me the wrong way. I sort of lost it- I said, look- I already lost one tube and I have a higher risk of this happening again, so how can you guarantee I will have a baby? She said she can't guarantee it but she knows I will. And I basically told her she has no business telling anyone that because it may not be true. She felt bad and apologized. I know she was trying to be nice, but today wasn't the morning for that.

So, aside from the fact that I got Dunkin Donuts iced coffee this morning, it's been a pretty shitty day.

[PiradicalMaid]

Ugh, I am so sorry. I understand the desire to be reassuring, but you're right, she can't know that. No one can. She can hope that and tell you that medically the odds are in your favor (if that's true), but no one can know the future. I can't even say I've never been guilty of this, but if she really *knew* then she has an amazing psychic talent she could be making bank off of. Just saying.

If you're like me, hearing actual medical facts, evidence, and statistics would be more helpful than platitudes, especially from my doctor.

((hugs)) Hopefully you can do something nice for yourself today (besides just the iced coffee ). Self care is so important after dealing with something like a tough appointment.

[nikolie93]

Oh hon, I am so sorry she said that to you. I heard the same thing from a high risk pregnancy DR (which my OB made the wrong appointment with, it was supposed to be an RE) and I was already all flustered. He said the same thing and I gave him the biggest side eye. How can they not know this is frowned upon??

So many *hugs* to you.

[vballbaby]

Good for you for speaking up! I'm sure she meant well, but maybe she will be more careful with her words from now on. i hope you can start healing now. ((hugs))

[hollyberry]

I am sorry. Imam sure your dr was trying to be reasuring, but its not to helpful when you know what the possibilities are. I find it hard to hear " it will happen, " from anyone let alone a dr. That knowssometimes its just not that easy. *hugs*

[hydrangea1019]

Sending you lots of ((hugs)). Sometimes people try and sound reassuring but it comes off wrong, but as an OB she shouldn't be saying things like that. She can't 'know' what is going to happen in the future. I'm sorry you had to go through that this morning.

[vivela]

It is good that you set her straight. It might have stung, but a good learning experience for her.
It really is amazing the things the OBs and nurses will say to you. I had so many people ask me "and are you pregnant?" when I was calling regularly during my loss. How can an OB's office not realize that there should be some procedure to ensure that you aren't constantly asking people who are waiting to miscarry if they are pregnant? It drove me crazy. I also had almost every nurse and ob say something along the lines of, "don't worry, we'll get you pregnant!" after my loss.

[PiradicalMaid]

May 3, 2015 21:07:12 GMT -5 vivela said:

It is good that you set her straight. It might have stung, but a good learning experience for her.
It really is amazing the things the OBs and nurses will say to you. I had so many people ask me "and are you pregnant?" when I was calling regularly during my loss. How can an OB's office not realize that there should be some procedure to ensure that you aren't constantly asking people who are waiting to miscarry if they are pregnant? It drove me crazy. I also had almost every nurse and ob say something along the lines of, "don't worry, we'll get you pregnant!" after my loss.

Gross. IDK, maybe it depends on context, but this just reads as really dismissive and insensitive to me.

It was also part of my provider's office's protocol to ask at every phone call if I was pregnant. I get that most of them were asking because they didn't have my chart, but damn, that sucked.

[vivela]

May 3, 2015 21:11:21 GMT -5 PiradicalMaid said:

May 3, 2015 21:07:12 GMT -5 vivela said:

It is good that you set her straight. It might have stung, but a good learning experience for her.
It really is amazing the things the OBs and nurses will say to you. I had so many people ask me "and are you pregnant?" when I was calling regularly during my loss. How can an OB's office not realize that there should be some procedure to ensure that you aren't constantly asking people who are waiting to miscarry if they are pregnant? It drove me crazy. I also had almost every nurse and ob say something along the lines of, "don't worry, we'll get you pregnant!" after my loss.

Gross. IDK, maybe it depends on context, but this just reads as really dismissive and insensitive to me.

It was also part of my provider's office's protocol to ask at every phone call if I was pregnant. I get that most of them were asking because they didn't have my chart, but damn, that sucked.

Generally it was in the context of, "Call us if you aren't pregnant by September, and we can try clomid, which does this and that. And if clomid doesn't work, we have another medication that does this and that, etc. Don't worry, we have lots of options and we will get there!" I don't think they were trying to be dismissive, but to cheer me up with the sheer force of their optimism. Overall it was kind of a weirdly optimistic office. When I was measuring behind, and betas were dropping, and I was spotting a ton it was still "well, very early there can be all kinds symptoms so try not to worry yet." Er... Thanks, but the evidence was getting a little overwhelming at that point to hold out more than 1% hope. 
I really like the office for a lot of reasons, and I'll stick with them. But I will be pushier about realism next time. I also try to remember that there are probably plenty of women who find optimism comforting. 

And I would be interested to hear what the reasoning behind that particular protocol is. It really sucked to have to sit and think for a moment about what the definition of "pregnant" is when you are waiting to miscarry, then end up having to tell some random person your situation. 

[PiradicalMaid]

May 3, 2015 21:43:25 GMT -5 vivela said:

Generally it was in the context of, "Call us if you aren't pregnant by September, and we can try clomid, which does this and that. And if clomid doesn't work, we have another medication that does this and that, etc. Don't worry, we have lots of options and we will get there!" I don't think they were trying to be dismissive, but to cheer me up with the sheer force of their optimism. Overall it was kind of a weirdly optimistic office. When I was measuring behind, and betas were dropping, and I was spotting a ton it was still "well, very early there can be all kinds symptoms so try not to worry yet." Er... Thanks, but the evidence was getting a little overwhelming at that point to hold out more than 1% hope. 
I really like the office for a lot of reasons, and I'll stick with them. But I will be pushier about realism next time. I also try to remember that there are probably plenty of women who find optimism comforting. 

And I would be interested to hear what the reasoning behind that particular protocol is. It really sucked to have to sit and think for a moment about what the definition of "pregnant" is when you are waiting to miscarry, then end up having to tell some random person your situation. 

I'm glad it wasn't dismissive. I'm like you and prefer realism too, though.

Yeah, I can only imagine how hurtful that could be when you are pregnant but know your pregnancy is not continuing

[soultrane]

vivela, I got the "are you pregnant" question too while I was in the middle of my loss and totally lost it on the phone with the receptionist. She actually had to wait for me to stop crying so I could tell her who I was and then I just demanded to speak to a nurse. By the end of the phone call I made it very clear to the nurse that I was upset about being asked that and every time I've called them since, I've been asked for my name and DOB presumably so they could look at my info first.

sarahufl, I'm sorry that she was insensitive. It's difficult enough to deal with regular people who speak in platitudes, but for a medical professional to say some of this stuff is just amazing to me. I hope your iced coffee helped at least a little.