Help and Support Needed (sensitive subject)

[theBeeMama]

Okay, ladies... I have been debating even posting this because it's really personal and sensitive. But I can't talk to anyone who knows me IRL (yet) and I thought some of you may have gone through similar things and would therefore have advice or encouragement.

in a nutshell, my sister and I have suspicions that our mom (who we love and is amazing and wonderful) may be struggling with an addiction to or at least strong dependency on pain meds. I don't want to put too many details out on the Internet, but as vague as I can be... Basically, she has had a lot of health issues over the last ten years. Like, a lot of weird and random stuff especially for an otherwise very healthy, athletic, slender woman in her 40's-50's. I just told myself she was being a bit of a hypochondriac, especially when she would come back from the doctor with reports that they "didn't believe her", "couldn't find anything wrong" or "made her feel crazy". She would cry and get upset (she's kind of a drama queen) and be so offended, and as annoyed as I was, I naively just brushed it off. Lately she's come back from appointments crying because the doctors have suggested that she's just coming for pain killers. At first I was so offended at the notion because, I mean, this is my mom. She's a pastor's wife and grandmother to my children. But recently my sister has pointed out some other issues (too detailed to get into) that have caused me to at least entertain the possibility that perhaps she has been putting on this whole show for years just to get access to medication. The thought makes me feel overwhelmed and then the fact that I'm thinking the thought makes me feel like an awful daughter... 

I just don't really know what to do. I don't want to do anything that would hurt her, especially if she is really in pain and just being misunderstood. But I don't want to be in denial. I have young siblings who are still at home and I remember her being on some serious pain meds when I was about 16 or so. It made things really difficult around the home because she wasn't herself at all.

Does anyone have any suggestions of ways we could try to find out if this is something to be worried about without drawing attention/calling her out point blank (knowing her, confronting her outright is probably the worst thing we can do.) as I said, I'm really naive and haven't had to deal with a friend or family member with a possible addiction before. I just don't know what to look for or where to begin.

Thanks in advance guys. Sorry for the Debbie Downer post. Lol.

[blasto!]

I wish I had some helpful advice. Even though I don't, I'm sending you lots of thoughts and prayers. Even the suspicion is a hard thing to go through and I wish all of you the best.

[pickles]

First of all, there is a bit difference between dependency and abuse of prescriptions. It sounds a bit more like she is dependent on the meds than she is abusing them and just taking them to get high. Narcotics really mess with your head after a while and there's usually a lot of depression and anxiety going on when someone has a dependency issue. It doesn't take long for addiction to start especially after taking meds for a legit medical issue. If she has one of the family members on her hippaa release then you can call her doctors office and ask them. If not You are likely going to have to confront her about it and you can bring up the recent appointment as a reason you want to discuss it. Let her know that the meds change her in a way that is not good and that you want her to have a good relationship with you your sister and her grandchild or grandchildren. There are lots of ways to treat chronic pain and sometimes people are afraid of putting down the narcotics to try something else. There's a huge psychological aspect to this.

[pickles]

Sorry for the lack of paragraphs. Being on mobile is hard.

[bruunk]

Oh, that's really hard. I'm sorry you and your family are dealing with this. Al Anon might be a good place to start, as support for you both, but if you're not sure, I would understand feeling unsure about that. Can you go to your father/mother's SO and ask? Could you go with her to dr appts, to see if she's following their prescriptions, and advice? Does she have one main dr (you might not know that, I realize). I'm not sure any of that was helpful, but I'll be sending you good thoughts!

Eta: pickles advice is spot on IMHO!

[Deleted]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I don't really have any helpful advice. But you should be 100% certain that she has a real problem before trying to "help" her. I hope everything works out for the best.

[emilywooddesign]

Oh I'm so sorry you're going through this I haven't experienced this first hand but I think prescription drugs are very dangerous. My best friends Mom is addicted to pills, it's gotten to point where she is googling symptoms, driving as far as 2 hours to go to walk in clinics to get prescriptions ( bc she has exhausted every clinic around here). My friend and her sister barely have a relationship with her anymore but it's because they are mad at her and don't want to talk to her.

Remember this is an illness, it's not something she can just snap out of. I would suggest bringing it up to her ( with your sister) and then take it from there, you might be surprised at how she responds, try to come at her from a postive place so she doesn't get defensive. Hopefully she will accept some help, don't ignore it and pretend it isnt a problem- too many people are ashamed of feel embarrassed to ask for help. Good luck and keep us posted xoxo I'll be thinking about your family and your Mom and sending you postive vibes.

[theBeeMama]

Jan 21, 2015 15:33:55 GMT -5 pickles said:

First of all, there is a bit difference between dependency and abuse of prescriptions. It sounds a bit more like she is dependent on the meds than she is abusing them and just taking them to get high. Narcotics really mess with your head after a while and there's usually a lot of depression and anxiety going on when someone has a dependency issue. It doesn't take long for addiction to start especially after taking meds for a legit medical issue. If she has one of the family members on her hippaa release then you can call her doctors office and ask them. If not You are likely going to have to confront her about it and you can bring up the recent appointment as a reason you want to discuss it. Let her know that the meds change her in a way that is not good and that you want her to have a good relationship with you your sister and her grandchild or grandchildren. There are lots of ways to treat chronic pain and sometimes people are afraid of putting down the narcotics to try something else. There's a huge psychological aspect to this.

Thank you so much for this. I suppose I need to do some research to help me get a grip on the situation and to determine the severity of the situation. Thank you! As I said, this is all new to me so I appreciate all input.

[mrsdee1982]

I'm so sorry about this. I wish I had helpful advice for you. Perhaps contact a local ALANON chapter? Explain to them the situation and see if they have any advice? Wishing you the best.

[teenybird]

I second what pickles said. Unless she's signed a HIPAA release allowing her providers to speak with a family member, then the discussion will have to be directly with her. If she's been on the meds for a long time for pain or other medical problems, maybe she is starting to feel helpless and dependent on the meds (especially if she doesn't want to be) - which can cause a lot of fear or panic about what would happen if her doctor were to stop prescribing. It's hard but I think it's worth a discussion to learn more about what her actual concerns are right now. Is it getting meds, getting more of those meds, or finding different/stronger meds? One of the hard parts is starting wherever your mom is. If there is a problem, she has to be ready to do something about it - or else nothing will really happen. Maybe try initiating a discussion by expressing concern that she seems really distraught about her appointments or her condition, and see what her perspective is at this given moment. I think letting her know that you want to support without judging is a positive way to open the door to more discussion.

This is super tough. I hope things get better. Your mom is lucky to have a kiddo so willing to help. Sending lots of good vibes your way.

[lc1158]

pickles makes an excellent point. There is such a thing as physical dependency, which is an entirely different kettle of fish than emotional addiction(aka abuse). If she has been taking these narcotics for so long, then her body has most likely become dependent on them. I'm not saying that there may not also be another element to what's going on, but it isn't always black and white.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know you said that there isn't anyone close to you IRL you can confide in, but is there someone you could reach out to, a professional perhaps? This is a big thing and you shouldn't feel like you need to cope with it alone.

[jbartsy]

I have nothing additional to offer that PPs haven't covered... just want to send you some thoughts and prayers. That has to be a difficult situation to be in.

[elbowpasta]

I don't have any advice. I'm just so sorry you and your family are going through this. I'll be thinking about you. Let us know if we can help.

[theBeeMama]

Thanks everyone!! I really appreciate the support. Just a little more info that will hopefully shed some light: she hasn't had insurance in years, so she always goes somewhere different where she can get in under a benevolence/aid fund. She rarely goes back to the same doctor. As I mentioned, her issues are all so different and all over the map so she goes to specialists at different hospitals or clinics or whatever all across out area. Recently my sister and her husband offered to pay in full for mom to go to a holistic chiropractor (my sis is all about this guy right now) but my mom is totally not into it. She has gone a couple times but she doesn't follow the guy's instructions for PT and supplement stuff. Which I get is just not everyone's cup of tea, but It does raise another red flag that she's so disinterested in even trying to get better going this route (if she's in as much pain as she says, wouldn't she be willing to try anything at least for a while?) because obviously this dude is not ever going to perscribe her any pain killers. That's like the opposite of what he does. I'm just worried that that's why my mom is so eager to dismiss this option.
My mom and dad are still married, but my dad is pretty insanely whipped and doesn't take kindly at all to any talk about mom that he takes as "negative" which is why we haven't mentioned anything to him yet.

[mrskblack11]

My grandmother was addicted to prescription painkillers. It all started when she broke her foot when I was about 9. It escalated over the years to the point where she would go to different doctors to get different medication. It was very obvious when my grandmother was taking too many pills. She would call my mother early in the morning almost every day. She slurred her words and didn't make any sense. It got to the point where I refused to talk to her on the phone because she would ramble on and on telling me stories about the past that she had told me again and again. It got to the point that my grandmother rarely left her bed. She would sleep all day.

My mom, my aunts and my grandfather tried to intervene for years. They spoke with her doctors and let them know about the variety of pain medication that she was taking. My grandmother did not want help. It breaks my heart to remember her in such a bad light.

If you decided to talk to your mom about it, know that she may become very defensive. If she is abusing pain pills, only she can decide when she is ready to get the help she needs. She would need to confront the underlying issue that is making her turn to pills to dull "the pain".

[erbear]

I don't have anything to add that PPs haven't said, but I'm very sorry you're going through this. Al anon could probably give you some ideas on how to approach the subject with your mom as well as some support! GL!

[wormgerm]

I'm sorry you're going through this. My suggestion would be for you to see a family thearipist, possibly someone who specializes in addiction. Tell them your story and see what their impression is. They may have the tools to help you process your feelings on different paths and outcomes.

[pickles]

You can call her doctor to express your concerns even if the doctor can't give you any information in return. I would certainly call if you know for a fact that she is combining the meds with alcohol or taking them more than prescribed. It sounds like her doctor is already concerned though

[leenziepops]

I just wanted to send you lots of positive thoughts.

[readyforbaby2]

Sorry that you are concerned about your mom in this way. I have no advice or experience, but thinking about you and praying for your mom.

[schnurette]

Jan 21, 2015 16:56:11 GMT -5 pickles said:

You can call her doctor to express your concerns even if the doctor can't give you any information in return. I would certainly call if you know for a fact that she is combining the meds with alcohol or taking them more than prescribed. It sounds like her doctor is already concerned though

This was my thought but I'd like to think that her doctor is already aware...

[gigi3126]

I wish I had some advice for you, but I think that PP have covered everything that I could think of. I know how hard it is to struggle with a parent in this kind of situation. Thinking of you and your family!

[carolyngrace]

Jan 21, 2015 15:22:02 GMT -5 theBeeMama said:

It sounds like regardless of if she is dependent, abusing meds, or simply in a lot of pain, she needs to be seen by a pain management specialist. Her PCP should be able to make that referral. They should be able to better assess what's actually going on...


As far as confronting her in any way, my advice would be to wait. You're going to be in a MUCH better place to help her if she can come to this realization on her own and have you for support. If you confront her too soon she might not trust you when that time comes. That's only UNLESS you have some solid proof she's intentionally doing this. If that's the case, then by all means find a gentle but direct way to confront her. 

For the record my 60-ish mother also seems kind of "dependent" on meds as well. She has a combination of mental health and physical health concerns. There always seems to be something "new" and she's always changing meds. Sometimes it's uppers and she's unbearable to be around. Sometimes the cocktail makes her seem depressed. However I know whatever she's feeling is somewhat (at least) "real" so it's really hard to know what to do with that! So I give you my sympathy. 

[Flick]

I can't offer you any advice better than what the PP have said, all I have to give are my thoughts and prayers.

[silv3rlining]

No real advice but I'm sorry you're going through this. Have they made a diagnosis for her? I'm wondering if maybe (more so for the benefit of the doubt) if she has some chronic problem where she really is in pain and they just aren't checking her for it.

[tiffbot]

I feel like I can't add to the advice, but I just want to send my best wishes to you as you figure out what needs to be done.

[Deleted]

Just wanted to say i am sorry that you are having to deal with this and hope that your mom gets whatever help she needs.

[Girlymama79]

I don't have anything to add. I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. T&P for you and your family.

[kpgrala]

Im sorry I don't have any advice to give you. I just wanted to say my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. That is a very hard thing to go through.

[jrush]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I agree with pp about checking out an alanon chapter nearby. While you may not know exactly what's going on with your mom right now you're likely to meet others who have been in similar situations and will have advice on how to approach things. I also agree with pp who said to make sure you know for a fact what's going on before confronting your mom. That kind of accusation, if you're not right, will hurt. Good luck