Anyone else feel angry?

[teenybenoit]

Like really freaking angry?!? I'm angry that everyone around me is going about there day, I'm angry my husband is functioning and I can't. I'm angry that I had to get out of bed to go to the grocery store, I'm god damn (sorry lord) angry at the birds singing, the sun shining, I am angry at everything!
I'm angry that I feel guilty for not wanting to go to work tomorrow or the fact that it's even expected of me.
I'm angry at the universe or at whatever it is that has caused me to lose my 3rd angel.
I'm angry that nothing in my life has ever come easy to me...nothing!! I had a schizophrenic mother who died of cancer at 49, the woman I probably needed most was robbed from me before I was even born. I have an alcoholic father who try as he might can't handle stress so here I am trying to spare his emotions in this situation when all I want to do is cry, scream, break something.
I'm even angry at the people celebrating ribfest downtown cause the ribs smell flipping amazing and I don't want to smell or taste anything good today.
Aarrrgghh!!
Ok that's my vent for now...thank you for listening.

[vlinder]

Absolutely. It's ok to be angry. Anger is part of grief, and it seems you've had so many things to grieve on top of your recent loss . (((Hugs)))

[nikolie93]

Anger can be part of the grieving process and I've been angry too. You are still so very raw from your most recent loss but if you continue feeling this way you may want to go talk to someone. I know that it's helped many of the ladies on this site. Give yourself some time but don't let these feelings of anger go on for you long *hug*

[vancitygirl]

It is totally ok to be angry. I'm still angry and my triggers push me to anger first before sadness. It takes time but give yourself permission to grieve. Don't judge or compare yourself, just let yourself do what you feel...at the same time try to find things to pull you out of the cycle of grief so you can move forward eventually. Big hugs!

[hollyberry]

I am so sorry! But the others are right. Anger is one of the first steps in the grief process, a very sucky feeling to feel angry at everything. But it is ok and normal to feel this way. And there is nothi g like grief to bring back old feelings of sadness. Feel what you feel. It is ok and as nikolie93, said, if you find yourself feelibg this way for a long time it is ok to talk to someone about it. Grief councelling helps meny people. But for now, feel it all, it's ok. We are here! I am glad you are venting here. It's so much better then leaving it all in. Take care of yourself! Is there a possibility to take time off work? I don't work, but if I did, I don't think I would have been ready to go back. So many hugs!

[teenybenoit]

Sorry so long...
I feel like the first time we got pregnant I was shocked and sad. I had no idea I was pregnant as I get very little symptoms,and we weren't trying. The time frame in which to comprehend that we had created a life and the mc happening was all at once. I was somewhat relieved to know I could get pregnant as I was 34 and up to that point had never been pregnant.
The 2nd time was planned, I had no idea about charting my temperature or how fertility worked but we had gone through cycle monitoring at the fertility clinic and they told us when to try and it worked. But I knew it was going to end in miscarriage in my heart. I was spotting from the start and it never felt like a good lasting pregnancy, my blood sugar was out of whack, my u/s showed no growth no sac and it became a panic to the Dr that I might have an ectopic pregnancy and it was just days before Christmas and the clinic was closing for the holiday. Thankfully it was ruled out as being ectopic a few days later and I went on to mc...now the fear was why a second time? Why couldn't I carry that baby? But no testing is done here until you have a 3rd mc.
I knew some risk factors, I was overweight, I was older 38 and I had been a smoker a few years back, but no one said give up including my heart.
That's when I found this place and I learned to take my temp and I felt in control and I took a few months off TTC and I got my diabetes under strict control, I lost weight, I started yoga, I started acupuncture, I was eating clean, taking additional supplements to the folic acid & DHA... I did everything right and when I felt it was time we did it again and it all felt so right! No spotting, just tired, first betas were higher then I ever had, I felt like this was my rainbow.
It all came crashing down when my 2nd betas dropped, my heart further sank as the u/s showed smaller then should be sac and then the dread just came crashing down.
I'm so afraid that I'm never going to be able to carry a baby to term, I feel like deep down in my soul I know this. My husband and stepson though they would never tell me that we should stop both have made it somewhat clear that they can't keep going through this and some of it I'm sure comes from seeing me in pain and sadness.
Sadly unless the testing comes back with something obviously wrong, the decision to try again is in our hands.
I think I'm mostly angry to be in this situation.
I'm less angry today then I was yesterday, I understand that feelings will come and go and I am thinking about counselling for both my husband and I.
I did stay home today and it seems my bleeding has started.
Thank you again for listening to me. That does help a great deal. Hugs.

[muscari]

I'm so sorry teenybenoit! After our loss I too felt incredibly angry at all and everything and then some. I didn't understand why I felt so angry, and hated it so badly, felt like this wasn't me. I've had to accept that anger too is part of grieving, and found that very difficult. Luckily over time the anger has subsided and now only pops up occasionally.. i'm glad you were able to stay home today, especially since your bleeding seems to have started. Take care of yourself. I hope you will feel a bit better every day. ((hugs))

[hollyberry]

I am glad to hear you stayed home today, and that you feel a bit better then yesterday. It is all so hard! Hope can be a son of a bitch sometimes.

My wish for you is that your tomorrow is even a bit better today. And that the physical part is over quickly. * hugs*

[nikolie93]

During the testing hearing something is obviously wrong is hard but it's just as hard when they find no reason. I have a hard time thinking "bad luck", like I did something to deserve the shitty luck.

You will continue feeling better as the days go on and you will hopefully have some answers soon so you can move towards making your decision. I'm here if you need to chat or have questions about the end of the road

[PiradicalMaid]

I am so sorry you are going through this. It's not fair. I've been angry on and off too.

One thing I want to say is that I am such a big believer in listening to your instinct, but sometimes fears and doubts can sound the same as a gut feeling. I don't want to say doubt yourself, maybe just that even your gut is hurting right now.

I hope tomorrow looks a little better. Like nikolie93 recommended, I've found it invaluable to have my therapist to process with. That may or may not feel right for you, but it has been a wonderful resource for me.

I am so angry that any of us had to go through anything like this.

[vancitygirl]

I'm also a big believer in following your gut instinct. During my pregnancy I also had bleeding at the start and everyone who knew tried to convince me it was fine. Even after 2 U.S. That showed very little growth and sluggish hb my dh was convinced all was fine but I knew somewhere deep down that it wasn't and unfortunately I was right. It's hard to tell when it's gut instinct and when it's fear, but ultimately you know best what's going on with your body and only you know what you are capable of doing mentally and physically. Lots of hugs.

[hydrangea1019]

It is absolutely 100% to feel whatever emotions you are feeling; anger included. My SIL gave me the simplest, yet best advice: It's ok to feel whatever it is you are feeling. Feel it. Whether it is anger, sadness, or any other emotion.

Not everyone IRL understands how a loss feels, and I know for that reason I am so happy (? feel odd using that word...) that this board exists. Let it all out- don't worry about length of post.

[cabgirl]

Yes, I felt (and still feel, sometimes) incredibly angry. What you're feeling is completely okay, normal and natural. This is unfair, and you've been through it three times now. Reading your story made me angry FOR you. Everything about a loss like this is unfair, and that often includes the reactions of the people around us. I'm so sorry you're struggling right now.

You mentioned your stepson and husband making you feel like they think you should stop trying. I wonder if family counseling, or counseling with your husband, would be helpful? I only suggest it because this is so much to process (the loss itself, the impact on your marriage and family, decisions about how to proceed from here).. it might help to have an objective, professional third party to help you sort through it all. I started seeing a therapist a few weeks after my loss, and it's been a relief to have someone I can just pour it all out to, who will sit and listen and look me in the eye.

I'm wishing you lots of strength and healing, and sending hugs. We're always here to listen.

[cabgirl]

May 26, 2015 8:07:01 GMT -5 vancitygirl said:

I'm also a big believer in following your gut instinct. During my pregnancy I also had bleeding at the start and everyone who knew tried to convince me it was fine. Even after 2 U.S. That showed very little growth and sluggish hb my dh was convinced all was fine but I knew somewhere deep down that it wasn't and unfortunately I was right. It's hard to tell when it's gut instinct and when it's fear, but ultimately you know best what's going on with your body and only you know what you are capable of doing mentally and physically. Lots of hugs.

I second this. I was sure from the beginning that my baby wasn't going to make it, even after we had a few ultrasounds that showed a heartbeat and appropriate growth and my OB told me I had nothing at all to worry about. I just knew something was wrong, even though I kept praying to be wrong about it and for the baby to be okay. I didn't really believe in that sort of intuition before, but I do now.

[vballbaby]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this again and that you're feeling hopeless that you'll carry a baby to term. It's all so very heartbreaking and disappointing. I have no advice other than allow yourself to feel your feelings. We all work through grief in our own way. Never give up hope. ((Hugs))

[NatalieDavid]

I know I'm a few days late to this post but I'm feeling all the feelings today and anger is defiantly one of them. As I get closer to the one week mark post miscarriage and D&C it feels I am getting further away from what could have been. Thanks you to the pp who wrote it's ok to feel whatever you need to feel when you need to feel it. I need to allow myself to grieve and not always try to be so strong.

[nikolie93]

Jun 3, 2015 8:43:16 GMT -5 NatalieDavid said:

I know I'm a few days late to this post but I'm feeling all the feelings today and anger is defiantly one of them. As I get closer to the one week mark post miscarriage and D&C it feels I am getting further away from what could have been. Thanks you to the pp who wrote it's ok to feel whatever you need to feel when you need to feel it. I need to allow myself to grieve and not always try to be so strong.

*hugs*

I had that problem. Always the strong one. Always everyone's shoulder when they needed it. It was hard for me to lean on others and I probably didn't as much as I should have. 

That is why I love this board so  

[PiradicalMaid]

Jun 3, 2015 8:43:16 GMT -5 NatalieDavid said:

I know I'm a few days late to this post but I'm feeling all the feelings today and anger is defiantly one of them. As I get closer to the one week mark post miscarriage and D&C it feels I am getting further away from what could have been. Thanks you to the pp who wrote it's ok to feel whatever you need to feel when you need to feel it. I need to allow myself to grieve and not always try to be so strong.

Someone told me once that there is so much strength in vulnerability. That's still something I'm thinking about and trying to really absorb, but it helps me when I feel like I want to be strong. Letting yourself hurt and heal is an amazingly strong thing to do.

[NatalieDavid]

Jun 4, 2015 10:44:11 GMT -5 PiradicalMaid said:

Jun 3, 2015 8:43:16 GMT -5 NatalieDavid said:

I know I'm a few days late to this post but I'm feeling all the feelings today and anger is defiantly one of them. As I get closer to the one week mark post miscarriage and D&C it feels I am getting further away from what could have been. Thanks you to the pp who wrote it's ok to feel whatever you need to feel when you need to feel it. I need to allow myself to grieve and not always try to be so strong.

Someone told me once that there is so much strength in vulnerability. That's still something I'm thinking about and trying to really absorb, but it helps me when I feel like I want to be strong. Letting yourself hurt and heal is an amazingly strong thing to do.

That is really nice to hear. I'm trying to allow myself to feel. My husband and I created a memorial yesterday and I feel like it really helped us come to terms with things. Now we have a place to always remember and start to heal.

[hollyberry]

NatalieDavid, sounds like a very nice thing to do, glad you have a nice place to remember. I don't have something like that, but whenever I am in a church that allows lighting candles, I always light one for my babies, and allow myself a minute or two to remember. It brings me peace. ( I felt the need to say, I live in Europe and most churches are open to the public at all times to see, almost like a tourist attraction. MH and I uusually go in them since they are typically so beautiful) it still almost always brings tears to my eyes.

[NatalieDavid]

Jun 4, 2015 12:57:09 GMT -5 hollyberry said:

NatalieDavid, sounds like a very nice thing to do, glad you have a nice place to remember. I don't have something like that, but whenever I am in a church that allows lighting candles, I always light one for my babies, and allow myself a minute or two to remember. It brings me peace. ( I felt the need to say, I live in Europe and most churches are open to the public at all times to see, almost like a tourist attraction. MH and I uusually go in them since they are typically so beautiful) it still almost always brings tears to my eyes.

That is really beautiful, thank you so much for sharing with me.

[PiradicalMaid]

@nataliedavid a memorial is such a lovely idea. Thank you for sharing.