New Mom as a stepparent

[nuencity]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I do not have any kids of my own (yet). My fiance has full custody of 6 yo son. I have stepped up to the plate as his mother. Our son Bio mom is completely out of picture. We are planning to wed this October. We will also be planning to expand our family. I am having strong feelings of resentment towards our son. Mainly, I believe it is due to no alone time as far as dating or couple time. It is a bit frustrating to me that he is always there without any breaks. Or perhaps it's the unappreciation from a small child. (Goes w/o saying) Either way it is a concern since we want more kids and I already feel this way. It sucks growing up. Family and relationships are hard work but worth it. :confused:

[CurlieWhirlie]

Hi, welcome. This board seems to be active in waves, and it's been a little dead lately, so don't be discouraged if you don't get a lot of responses.

A couple of thoughts:

1. You might be putting too much pressure on yourself by right away calling yourself "his mother" and calling him "our son". He isn't your son. He's not even your stepson yet. He's your fiancé's son. And that's ok! You should not expect to love him the way a mother loves her child just yet. That's unrealistic.

2. You need to work out your feelings about and relationship with this little boy before you have your own child. Otherwise, you will end up being the step-mom who puts her own child first and resents the step. That's so cliché. Be better than that.

3. It's unreasonable to resent a child for "always being around" and not allowing you to have alone time with your fiancé. He's a little kid. Of course he's always around. And what's more, he has been abandoned by his mother. How awful for him! You must have known about him when you got engaged to your fiancé, so it's not exactly fair to say now "gosh I wish that kid of yours wasn't always around...." If you don't like this reality, then maybe you need to consider being in a relationship with someone who doesn't have kids. And maybe reconsider having your own kids, because I promise you, they'll "always be around", too.

4. If what you need is alone time with your partner, hire a babysitter one night a week. Or even one night a month. It's do-able. The kid is six, he can hang with a sitter for a few hours.

5. Consider working on your relationship with your fiancé's son. Do things alone with him. Get to know him without his father around. Let him get to know you without his father around.

[runnergirl812]

nuencity, I agree with everything CurlieWhirlie has said.

Your future SS has a mother. She's out of the picture, but she will always be his mother. If she ever comes back into the picture, he will likely welcome her with open arms because she's his mother, despite all the "mothering" you do. Even the most horrible of mothers will always have a bit of their child's love. It's a love bind that is hard to be broken even if she abandoned him.

I too have a similar situation in that I'm not married to my BF yet I have stepped in as a caretaker due to the circumstances of his custody. He has temporary sole custody and thankfully a really great family support system. Between he, his mom, his older sister, and I, the kids are stable and have a good routine. My role is not mom or even stepmom - though the kids have brought it up that "if I were to marry dad, I'd be their stepmom." But my role is as an adult who is caring for small children. This means that there are "house rules" they know I will enforce and dad backs me up on. He is the parent and I have to be very careful not to overstep my boundaries.

I highly, highly, highly, recommend you read the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin. It talks about these things and how the notion and dynamics of a "stepfamily" or "bonusmom" is very different from a first family. Your fiancé may be expecting you to take on a role as a parent, but I would caution you to move slowly and be careful of how you do so. For his sake and your feelings.

If not, sometimes the resentment will come in. You will have to adjust to fiancé having been married and having experienced all the firsts with another woman before you. That he had a child and went through birth with another woman. And that this child will ALWAYS be a part of him and you will ALWAYS have a tie to the child, the child's mother, and the child's maternal biological family.

I don't want to discourage you, but it's not easy. Make a concerted effort to have time alone with your fiancé. While I haven't been in public alone with my fiancé for months, we do spend quality time together alone. Our bedroom is OUR SPACE. The kids are rarely allowed in our bed. It may sound crazy, but we can retreat from them and spend time together watching movies, talking, and taking time for ourselves without them around. The kids knock and wait instead of opening the door and running in like they used to.

Lastly, be easy on yourself. I think the expectation that you are supposed to love your future step son as your own has you twisted up. Guess what? You may NOT love him as your own. But that's okay. But can you love him as a child? Think of it this way... if he were your nephew, how would you treat him? If you loosen your expectations of how you're "supposed" to feel, you may find yourself resenting him less.

[littleapplemom]

Similar situation as well.

SS is 12 and special needs, and I am married to his dad. We have lived together since 2010 (SS was 7), married in 2012 and in 2014 we welcomed SS's brother. DH has sole physical custody and joint legal but BM doesn't communicate enough to ever make any decisions about school/medical etc. They had a mediated divorce and every clause in the custody portion basically says "BM can to this as long as DH says it's ok". She moved 4 hours away and makes a monthly trip to see SS. Sometimes she goes 2-3 months without a visit. She talks to SS mon-thurs and doesn't call him on the weekends.

I agree with what others have said, being in this role is HARD and it doesn't get any easier with marriage but if you are committed then you will make it work. Be careful with the "M" word, if it's something you discussed that's one thing, you stepped into a role of a mother figure but you aren't his mom. My SS had issues with this because he was unsure of what to call me. I told him he could call me whatever he wants. He tried mom a few times but he still goes with my first name. When playing with his brother though, I am Mommy because he said he doesn't want LO to call me by my name.


Everything that runnergirl812 said is true, Thank you so much, especially for your last paragraph. This is something that all SPs need to realize, and spouses too. There is such a stereotype that all SPs are supposed to love their SKs as their own that is just not true. I have had this dicussion with DH so many times and I don't think he gets it. I love SS with everything I am, but I love my baby differently and I'm sure if we have more biological children I will love them differently too. You can love your BFs kids, but I have always felt that all kids need love differently (bio or not). Some stepkids have bioparents that have passed, some have been abandoned, some have bioparents that are fully involved and each of those situations has to be considered too.

Bedroom time is a good idea, we did that for a while because SS was old enough to be left by himself. He had to knock if he wanted something and he was rarely in our room at all. Now with the baby we have family time all together on weekend mornings. Our alone time is usually when SS's mother comes and takes him for the day and LO takes a nap!

The firsts is another thing and I admit I felt resentment in a lot of the time. Sometimes DH wouldn't think before saying things and would compare his old life with his ex to something we were doing. That was an issue that I had to hash out with him and I made it clear to him that he was being unfair in the fact that a lot of things we were doing were my firsts. He had to be respectful that I was willing to give up certain firsts of my own for the sake of our future. There are going to be moments that hit you where you'll think "if SS wasn't here I could have....". Let them pass because they're the little things. There will be so many more bigger and better things that you'll get to experience with him.

Even with whatever feelings I might have had of resentment or loss of firsts, the absolute hardest thing to do is to try and answer SS's questions about why his mother left. you should expect this to happen someday. That is the pits because we can't answer for her and when he asks her he gets some ecxuse. It's heartbreaking, even after almost 6 years he still doesn't understand and gets upset about it. Even though you aren't his mother you'll be the one who is there, and that counts.

Wishing you well.