How is everyone doing? The good/bad/ugly

[nikolie93]

Hey everyone! It sounds silly for me to say I hope everyone is doing ok seeing where we are but hopefully each day is getting a bit better.

I usually create a thread for the positives but sometimes we just need a place to vent and bitch. I also realize sometimes it's intimidating to start a new thread with all your vents. Feel free to do that here.. But feel free to share the good as well!

*hugs* to all that need it this week.

[teenybenoit]

Thanks nikolie93
I'm ok today but every day is different. Today I have been focused on our trip coming up in 3 weeks, making lists of what we need to do before we go, who we are going to see while we are gone and where we will be staying.
Also this weekend is the workshop/info session for school so I'm really looking forwards to that.
My birthday is also coming up which has me feeling a bit of anxiety because I'm getting older and the chances of conceiving seem so far away.
Anyway, one day at a time. Breath.

[rnmommy]

I'm pretty okay most of the time. I get jealous when I see other pregnant women and Fridays (my former ticker change day) are hard. I should be 11 weeks pregnant tomorrow and based on my last pregnancy I would have an obvious bump, but I don't. I still rub my belly every now and again and apologize for not being able to keep the baby safe. I know it wasn't anything I did, but I get the Mommy Guilts. So now I get ready to celebrate our oldest daughter's 13th birthday, take our 3 year old daughter to her first dance class, and transition our 18 month old son to eating at the big table with us rather than in his high chair. These are all good, happy things that keep me from sinking too much when I get sad about the brother or sister they won't be getting in December.

[nikolie93]

Jun 11, 2015 20:13:59 GMT -5 teenybenoit said:

Thanks nikolie93
I'm ok today but every day is different. Today I have been focused on our trip coming up in 3 weeks, making lists of what we need to do before we go, who we are going to see while we are gone and where we will be staying.
Also this weekend is the workshop/info session for school so I'm really looking forwards to that.
My birthday is also coming up which has me feeling a bit of anxiety because I'm getting older and the chances of conceiving seem so far away.
Anyway, one day at a time. Breath.

All we can do is take it one day at a time and I understand how each day can be different. It's good to have something to focus on like vacation! I would be planning the hell out of that lol. Hope you have fun at the workshop this weekend! 

I feel your pain about the birthday. I sure wish we could slow down time sometimes! *hugs* to you. 

[nikolie93]

Jun 11, 2015 21:36:42 GMT -5 rnmommy said:

I'm pretty okay most of the time. I get jealous when I see other pregnant women and Fridays (my former ticker change day) are hard. I should be 11 weeks pregnant tomorrow and based on my last pregnancy I would have an obvious bump, but I don't. I still rub my belly every now and again and apologize for not being able to keep the baby safe. I know it wasn't anything I did, but I get the Mommy Guilts. So now I get ready to celebrate our oldest daughter's 13th birthday, take our 3 year old daughter to her first dance class, and transition our 18 month old son to eating at the big table with us rather than in his high chair. These are all good, happy things that keep me from sinking too much when I get sad about the brother or sister they won't be getting in December.

I remember the ticker change days, they are always so hard *hugs* I also rubbed my belly quite some time after my MC's. It's hard, and it sucks. 

Sounds like you have a lot going on and hopefully you will be able to continue holding on to all those positives Hang in there, lady! 

[hollyberry]

teenybenoit, glad you are finding things to keep yourself busy! Nothing like planning a trip to do that. Where are you going?

rnmommy, I too would place my hand on my belly and talk to my baby especially before bed, and after the losses it was hard to stop, and made me so sad and mad that I couldn't keep my baby safe in there. Its always good to look at the positives, and nice you have some big things to focus on.

Me: I am a bit farther from my losses then you two but still on the bench. There is a girl that I think is KU in my German class. And I am so jealous of her excitement. Oh the excitement of the first pregnancy, thinking all will be ok, being nieve over it all. I wish I could have that back, I can't, I know oh so well how much a pregnancy can hurt, and how it can possably end. But I try, try, try to be hopful, its just all so hard sometimes.

[lovetruly2015]

Well I was doing better when I recieved a major gut punch yesterday. My cousins wife who I thought was due in the next cpuple months was actually due this month. I opened FB and saw the pregnancy announcement and immediately broke down. I glad both are doing well I just didn't realize she was also due in june so I wasn't prepared for it. However the live OOT so I don't have to worry about seeing them spontaneously at family events. They usually only come around on holidays and when my aunt has vacation time. Which means I can prepare my self when it does happen.

Its hard and sucks to realize that I should have a baby right now. The he would be a few weeks old.

Honestly the only positive I have is that prom season is winding down thankfully had it lasted any longer I might have shot someone. Also I got the entire weekend of the july 4 off.

[hollyberry]

lovetruly2015, that sucks, I am, sorry, it's hard when you are prepared for something like that and then it ends up different. Seeing things on fb out of the blue like that is hard. Glad work has been busy for you at least. And what are your plans for july 4th?

[nikolie93]

hollyberry, it's hard to listen to the excitement of others sometimes. It makes me remember those times.

lovetruly2015, I hate those sucker punch triggers and they so pop up out of nowhere. It's especially frustrating when you think your're finally doing ok and it seems to make you go 2 steps back. Thinking of milestones like how old the baby would be is also very hard. Hopefully you will be able to get excited about your time off for the 4th!

[followthesun]

Jun 12, 2015 9:01:33 GMT -5 hollyberry said:

*SNIP*
 And I am so jealous of her excitement. Oh the excitement of the first pregnancy, thinking all will be ok, being nieve over it all. I wish I could have that back, I can't, I know oh so well how much a pregnancy can hurt, and how it can possably end. But I try, try, try to be hopful, its just all so hard sometimes.

This is it exactly. I think I mourn the loss of pregnancy innocence so much.

A good friend told me she was PG with her 2nd last night. I'm happy for her, especially given that she had two losses prior to her first LC, but truthfully it's a weird detached kind of happy. I'm jealous that she knows her body is able to do what it is supposed to and carry a baby to term, so she can be relaxed with the second. I'm jealous she has one, and now will have two. And it makes me feel like a bad person, but that is the way I feel if I am honest. Sigh.

[NatalieDavid]

lovetruly2015 hugs to you, I'm so sorry this trigger came up. Milestones have to be the hardest.
hollyberry I feel the same way about how naive I was not realizing everything that can go wrong.

As for me I had my two week post op check up today and while I'm happy I'm healing I'm sad bc it feels my journey is officially over. I am so happy every day to look out and see the memorial DH and I created in our garden. It really helps me know my Hope will not be forgotten. I was told there was less than 1% chance of a chromosomal abnormality happening again but that doesn't feel too comforting knowing how often miscarriage actually occurs. Last Friday a good friend of mine found out she had an ectopic pregnancy and had to have one of her Fallopian tubes removed. She had found out the day before she was KU. My doctor cleared us to start trying again after I have my first period. So now the waiting game and trying to get emotionally and psychically ready.

[hollyberry]

followthesun,, I completly get it too, knowing you can carry a baby to term would be nice, I know you would still morn a loss and that pain is the same, but not knowing if I can is really hard. I have been asking myself the hard question as to how long or how many losses I can have before we stop. But I am going to specilist so it will be interesting to see what they have to say about it all. And that gives me hope for now.

NatalieDavid, I am glad that your appointment went well, and you are on your way to burning the bench. It took me 6 weeks and 4 weeks for AF to return after I had D&Cs with my losses. I think that the time frame is about the same with a natural loss as well, but I could be wrong. I am glad that your memorial brings you peace. Such a nice tribute.

[teenybenoit]

Hugs to all of you ladies.

[nikolie93]

followthesun I know exactly how you feel when hearing of others pregnancies. I know it's hard but please try not to feel like a bad person, you are anything but. The way you feel is, unfortunately, normal. *hugs*

NatalieDavid, the end of mine was bittersweet. I hated that I wanted it all over.. Because that meant it was truly over.

Be prepared to have a shit ton of emotions when your first period post MC comes, as well as the first time you try again.

My EDD from my last MC is Tuesday. This journey is so fucking hard and I hate all of us have to go through it.

Edit :fixing tag

[muscari]

I really would love to try and be able to write about my good/bad/ugly but am feeling all the sads this weekends, and doing so will just open the flood gates and I kind of don't want that after managing to keep it dry all day long (and that was hard at times!). So just leaving & big hugs to you all! Just knowing I'm not alone in this already helps a little.

[DanaScullyX]

I just don't know how to go on. I when no one to talk to irl who gets what this feels like. I'm such a failure and I hate my body. Being around pregnant ladies and babies is so hard. What if it's like that for the rest of my life?

[teenybenoit]

DanaScullyX I am a few weeks past my mc and I think I was feeling very similar to how you are feeling. I can tell you that your feelings are normal, I can tell you that your feelings are going to change several times over. It's completely and sadly normal.
I am going to see a therapist because anger is something that I'm holding on to as well as feeling like I'm broken or a failure, it's hard.
I do have better days and I hope you will have some soon as well. Big hugs to you.

[hollyberry]

DanaScullyX, I am so sorry lady, I completly get it! I just want to know if I work properly too, can't I just jump 5 years to know and jump back, if only it were so easy. As far as seeing pregnant people and babies, I think it gets better, at least for me it mostly depends onthe day if I can handle it or not. But I can handle it more often then not so it does get better. Unfortunately I think time is the only answer, a sucky one but I think its true. Be kind to yourself! * hugs*

[NatalieDavid]

I feel like loss is a horrible roller coaster I can't get off. It's up and down everyday. Last Friday after work DH had to pry me out of bed to stop crying. Then I felt nothing the rest of the weekend. I'm just tired of trying to hold it together and tired of being sad and tired of crying in public... Overall I feel like a piece of me is missing. It's really not fair what we have all had to go through. ((Hugs)) ladies!

[DanaScullyX]

NatalieDavid I know exactly what you mean. It is definitely a roller coaster, and I never know where I am on the ride at any given moment. Hugs to you.

[nikolie93]

I just want to chime in here because I am much further out from my losses than you ladies, my last one being 9 months ago. It does get better, but moments of sadness don't completely go away. I wish I had rainbow and glitter farts to spread around but the fact is, it fucking sucks, and chances are you will never forget.

I will be honest though, I have WAY more good days now then I do bad. I just can't tell you that one day it will all go away and you will never feel sad again. The sad moments I have don't last very long any more so in that aspect it gets easier too.

All you can do it give yourself time, and allow yourself to feel everything you're feeling. The more you try to bottle it up, the worst it's going to be for you when it all comes out.

I will only add that if time goes on and you continue down a dark road and find that you can't reach any light, please go talk to someone. It's easy to get dragged down and that will not do you any good.

*hugs*