How are my fellow blenders? - A random thread

[ladyannibal]

It's a ghost town in here! I don't post much in here because my little blended family is a mess and I'm honestly trying to gain SOME sense of control. I've started a private blog where I can vent (and sometimes cry) about what's going on with me, my family, and everything that comes along with it. It's hard, it's super super hard. I love my son to death though and wouldn't change anything that is going on for the world.

With that being said, hooray it's Summer Vacation!!! I thought I'd get to see my Little Menace more, but BM only let's us get him on weekends despite that he is on summer vacation because he still has to go to daycare other wise she will lose it (it's government assisted). It makes me sad because I was looking forward to beach trips, Disney trips, and just lounging around with my boy for weeks and weeks on end.

DH and I bought him a new backpack for when school starts up because BM hadn't done it and he really needed a new one. She told us he needed new pants because apparently she bought 23 pairs of pants for him and none of them fit, and he needs new shoes -- that one we already knew because she NEVER has him in the right size shoes. While I hate buying things for him that are just going to go to BM's house, I love shopping and can't wait to get him new stuff for school.


How are you and your families doing?

[ladyannibal]

It sucks, but I'm use to weekends so I'll take what I can get.

Congrats on the adoption!! My Little Menace keeps asking when we're going to get married because he wants me to have the same last name as him haha. He asked his dad the other weekend if I could be his mom and it was the sweetest thing in the world!

SS (my menace) is the exact opposite. He hates it with his mom and is always talking about how miserable he is and how he'd rather live with us. I feel so bad for him.

[ladyannibal]

@littlefoote, it sucks really bad and honestly I wish he could just come live with us. He's only 5 though so I'm pretty sure the court would rule in his mother's favor. He told me today that when we move he wants to come live with us and his baby sister. I just tell him okay cause I hate to break his heart by telling him he can't come live with us. He'll have his own room when we move though so it will kinda be like he lives with us? lol

[runnergirl812]

@littlefoote, congrats on the adoption!

I too have a lot going on, so I am hesitant to post many details, but wth, here goes. What I can share is that BF is going through a custody "battle" of sorts as they go through the process of mediation, child support, and visitation with their mom:

The kids' mom dug herself in a hole legally through her abusive actions and gave BF the official ammo he needed to get everything court-ordered and quickly. Right now, BF has temporary sole custody, a one-year domestic violence protective order against their mom, and her visitation EOW involves drop offs and pickups at a relatives so that BF and their mom can avoid each other. Mom has been court-ordered to have anger management, a psychiatric eval, and to pay him child support. The kids are with him all the time except for EOW. For about a month there was no visitation with mom at all, then there were no overnights at mom's. Overnights resume this weekend, which gives me a break and us a chance for date night. I haven't been out with him alone in public since February when we got back from Costa Rica when the sh*t hit the fan. Mom can't leave the county with the kids, which is good. She's pissed, but she can get over it. It's costing a mint with the lawyer, but it's worth it. The kids are safe and that's the biggest thing.

Other than the drama of the last 4 months, things have been pretty good. We're both in individual counseling. And while my job SUCKS, I have a job and life is pretty stable for now.

The kids are awesome. They're adjusting, of course, to all the changes. But they're hardy and for the most part just normal kids.

[ladyannibal]

Wow! I'm sorry to hear about all that you are going through, but I'm glad that you guys are standing strong,runnergirl812!

[ladyannibal]

Well guys, I had my little girl on the 11th and I still can't manage to stay awake haha!

We had my SS for that entire week so he got to meet his baby sister before he went back home to his mother. He is absolutely smitten with her.

FI and BM had an argument because we didn't send him daycare the entire week we had him. He cried that he didn't want to go because he hated it there so my FI said he didn't have to go since he was off from work and could watch him. She insisted that he had to go because it would prepare him for Kindergarten. He loves school, he was in pre-school. He hates daycare. He knows the difference. Either way, now we can only get him on weekends which FI knew was going to happen but he wanted to spend as much time with him before the baby got here as possible. I feel bad cause my SS hates living with his mom but that just isn't something that we can change right now.

As for myself, I feel great. Recovery is hard and I was expecting postpartum depression but I got the reverse and have been extremely happy lately so I'm not complaining!

[CurlieWhirlie]

Congratulations, ladyannibal! New babies are so awesome. Enjoy the snuggles.

This past weekend in blended family news, my 11yo SS said "the thing about a blended family is that there are multiple parents who end up having the same nickname, and it can be confusing." Pretty accurate assessment. (He said it in response to me saying "your dad is on his way" and my DS and both SSs all said "whose dad?")

Next weekend we are all going to DH's annual family reunion/vacation at a lake cabin. The kids love it. We're going for the first part of the week, and his ex is coming up partway through the week so she can spend time with his family and his older kids can stay the whole week. It will be insane, the family is HUGE and I come from a really small family, so it's overwhelming for me. The older kids can't get enough of it. This will be the baby's first real experience, since last summer he was all of four months old. This year he's walking and starting to communicate, but he's pretty sensitive and doesn't like strangers, so I wonder how he'll be with the giant group and the change of scenery for three nights (the longest he's been away from home in his entire life). Wish me luck!

[ladyannibal]

We didn't pick up my SS this weekend because the last two weekends he's been coming over and then complaining that he wants to go back to his mom's house. It was nice to just relax with my baby.

Now that I'm not pregnant I've been trying to get my life back together. Online classes and work-from-home jobs. It's a lot harder than it seems. I haven't had any luck but I'm going to keep at it.

[runnergirl812]

Some new news... We're engaged! So I really am headed towards officially being a blended family. :-)

[ladyannibal]

Congrats runnergirl812!!! I'll be an offical blended family next year!

[ladyannibal]

Ahhhh stop @babyweh that is so cute!! I love when step parents and babies get along.

My SS has been asking since last year for me to marry his dad so we can all have the same last night name.

[newmomma8]

I lurk and want to jump in.

I've been in SD's life since she was 6 and she's now 10. She could care less to be around me or speak to me. I tried everything in the beginning and we got along great, but the older she gets, the less she wants to have anything to do with me. I've tried asking her to help me with her little sister (half, mine and DH's daughter) or help me bake or anything and she just acts like it's such an inconvenience or flat out says no,...but only when DH isn't around. She won't say anything negative to me in front of him. So I'm almost at the point of giving up. She loves and adores her mom, and that's great, but I'm not in any way trying to take the place of a mom in her life, but it's getting to where she makes me uncomfortable every weekend in my own home and makes me sometimes wish we didn't get her every weekend and I know that's mean.

Sorry for the vent, not sure what I'm asking for, but I just need to get it out that I feel like stepping back is what's best right now. She's getting the preteen/teen attitude already and I think she and I should limit our interaction for the moment. Granted she doesn't have a problem with that since when she and DH get to the house on Friday's, she goes through the kitchen and runs upstairs to her room and won't acknowledge me or even give me a chance to say hi to her. She literally ignores me when DH isn't paying attention.

[belou]

newmomma8, Oh boy, that does sound very awkward for both of you. Have you spoken with your husband about any of it? I know you said she acts this way when he's not around or not paying attention. You should make him aware of it at least, you are an adult and should be respected in your own home at least.

I wonder if something happened where she may perceive a problem with you since your daughter was born-maybe it made it more real for her that her mother and father were not together?

It's a hard situation to be in, she is still a child who may not know how she is reacting or treating you and you are the adult who can choose the way you react to her, but I know how difficult it gets with that type of relationship. I've lived with my husband since my SS was 4-just turning 5 (he's now 11) and we've had our ups and downs. Sometimes every day is like resetting the button on all the progress we've made the days/weeks/months/years before. It's hard not to react to a passive aggressive behavior.

My first reaction is to speak with your husband about how the relationship is affecting you. Maybe he will come up with some ideas to help you bond more with her.

[newmomma8]

Sept 1, 2015 12:27:02 GMT -5 belou said:

newmomma8, Oh boy, that does sound very awkward for both of you. Have you spoken with your husband about any of it? I know you said she acts this way when he's not around or not paying attention. You should make him aware of it at least, you are an adult and should be respected in your own home at least.

I wonder if something happened where she may perceive a problem with you since your daughter was born-maybe it made it more real for her that her mother and father were not together?

It's a hard situation to be in, she is still a child who may not know how she is reacting or treating you and you are the adult who can choose the way you react to her, but I know how difficult it gets with that type of relationship. I've lived with my husband since my SS was 4-just turning 5 (he's now 11) and we've had our ups and downs. Sometimes every day is like resetting the button on all the progress we've made the days/weeks/months/years before. It's hard not to react to a passive aggressive behavior.

My first reaction is to speak with your husband about how the relationship is affecting you. Maybe he will come up with some ideas to help you bond more with her.

I've tried to talk to him about it, but since he never sees it, he thinks I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. 

I don't think she has an issue now with the fact that her parents aren't together since they've been broke up for so long and her Mom had another baby immediately after her and DH broke up.  She has 3 kids for 3 different dads, the oldest lives with her dad, we have SD every weekend and I think my SD's younger brother goes to his dads every weekend too.  So she's been used to them not together and having family on both sides for a while now, but I do agree something could have just sparked all of this in her mind.  Maybe me being pregnant again is what triggered all this.

I know I can control my adult reactions to her, and I try to.  I don't push her to do anything with me in order to try to build some sort of relationship, so I feel like I'm at a dead end right now.  If she's not receptive of any of my attempts, I can't force her.

Thank you for responding.  I feel like some women who have great relationships with their steps tend to think I'm a mean SM or that I'm not trying, which is definitely not the case,...it's just hard to explain every aspect of our lives on here to give examples of each situation.

[NariaDreaming]

So... can I play here? It's complicatedish. It's about the interactions with my bio family. Grab a seat, this is going to be long.


So I was adopted at birth in a closed adoption. Raised as an only child by two awesome parents whom I love dearly. I lost my dad a few years ago- right before all this crazy story happens.

3 years ago I found my bio mom on facebook. We chatted online one afternoon, and she confirmed she was my bio mom. She lives 15 minutes from where I grew up, and I went home that weekend to meet her in person.

Bio mom (we'll call her L) was married to a man we'll call DB. She had 3 kids- J (my brother), S (my oldest sister), and M (the sister closest in age to me). Though I'm pretty sure M has a father that is not DB.

She then had an affair and got pregnant with me. She never told the man she had the affair with about my existence, and has thus far refused to tell me his name. DB was listed as my father on my birth certificate and adoption paperwork.

She divorced DB, briefly remarried, divorced again, and then married her current husband, G, who she has been married to for 20 years.

L & G had two daughters together- D (who is 7 years younger than me) and A (who is 9 years younger than me).

My adoptive mom (mom) is fully supportive of my relationship with my bio family, including hosting whomever wants to come over for Christmas every year. Usually it's a combination of L and my sisters. My brother J has not met my adoptive mom.

L kept my adoption a secret from her entire family, except for her oldest sister and DB. So it was quite a shock to G and all of my siblings that there was this "bonus kid" out there.

Need a breather yet?

My relationships with my siblings vary. I'm close with D & A- though with them being in their late teens/early 20's there's still plenty of that young adult angst going on.

My relationship with M is good, but I don't get to see or talk to her often. S and I do not get along at all, and I don't really know J. His wife is not a huge fan of my bio family, and tends to keep him away. We saw each other a few years ago, and I think we'd get along if we had the chance to get to know each other. But it got more complicated.

J and his wife have 3 children. And then he cheated on his wife and got a young woman named T pregnant. T gave birth to a beautiful little girl we'll call HJ. HJ is now 8, and my brother J has never met her. Not once. He pays his child support, but he has never seen her in person.

T found me on facebook when I wished L a happy mother's day, and so I had to explain the whole story to her. T is now married, and she and her husband have two children together. T's husband's family tend to spoil "their" two grandkids and give HJ the short end of the stick. Mom L, D&A used to spend time with T & HJ, but haven't seen her in 3 or 4 years.


I grew up in a nuclear family with 1 aunt and uncle, and two cousins. My husband's parents were married, his mom was an only child, and his father had two brothers. So both of us come from relatively small families with no divorces.

I just need a place where I can talk freely about the insane family dynamics that I was thurst into headfirst 3 years ago.

I hope you'll have me.

[newmomma8]

Holy Crap NariaDreaming, I admire you for being able to keep that straight. Not really, it sounds like you were blessed from the beginning and at least you can have a relationship with bio mom and try to build on that.

Me being a SM, I like getting feedback from people on the "other side" of the spectrum. I find it hard to figure out where I'm supposed to fit into my SD's life. DH has told me verbatim "you are not her mother, she has a mother". I wasn't trying to be. But anyway, so clearly we aren't the blended family that "mine is yours and yours is mine" kind of mentality fits into. So other perspectives are always welcome in my book.

[ladyannibal]

Welcome NariaDreaming! I had to re-read that a few times haha. I feel for little HJ. My FI's kids get the crap end of the stick on the family spectrum. Everyone pretty much pretends like they don't exist and I feel bad for them.

My SS asked for a little brother last night (he's in love with his little sister) and said he asked his mom for a brother but she told him no she wasn't having any more kids. He's been acting out at school but he told me he hated that school cause the kids are bullying him there. Ugh. He's 5, little kids shouldn't be fighting each other. He also has to wear a uniform which he says he doesn't like.

FI and I are getting married at the end of next year (if we don't run off and elope this November) and then we're trying to move back to NC. We'd love to take SS with us but it's very unlikely that we'd get custody of him.

My daughter will be 2 months soon and she is just full of giggles, smiles, and cuddles.

[NariaDreaming]

Sept 5, 2015 10:07:41 GMT -5 ladyannibal said:

Welcome NariaDreaming! I had to re-read that a few times haha. I feel for little HJ. My FI's kids get the crap end of the stick on the family spectrum. Everyone pretty much pretends like they don't exist and I feel bad for them.

My SS asked for a little brother last night (he's in love with his little sister) and said he asked his mom for a brother but she told him no she wasn't having any more kids. He's been acting out at school but he told me he hated that school cause the kids are bullying him there. Ugh. He's 5, little kids shouldn't be fighting each other. He also has to wear a uniform which he says he doesn't like.

FI and I are getting married at the end of next year (if we don't run off and elope this November) and then we're trying to move back to NC. We'd love to take SS with us but it's very unlikely that we'd get custody of him.

My daughter will be 2 months soon and she is just full of giggles, smiles, and cuddles.

HJ is my mini-me. Seriously. she's too precious.

Her mom, on the other hand. Super nutty ultra-conservative tea partier.

Who has decided to home school her.

[Deleted]

Ill chime in though this thread is pretty old... Sometimes modern family plain sucks! My DS and my SO's DD are nearly the same age-5 so its like having twins all of a sudden! then the 2 1/2 yr old who SO's X is still "nursing" after being completely weaned --she comfort nurses and so when shes with us its HELL> waking up at night screaming for nurse nurse... all strategic and harmful to the kid I believe. I really like them but nights are brutal- since the bigs still need to get up also to make it through the night potty wise. My DS just sleeps too hard to wake himself up quite yet.Its a jungle at night!