Talk to me about anxiety/stress and YH

[irishvodkagrl]

I need physical comfort when I get overwhelmed. It is the only thing that grounds me. The problem is MH wants to jump up and be helpful instead of letting me ride it out.

[kaeguri]

Do you pull away just for a little while and then accept his comfort? I know for me, I'm forcing myself to accept DH's comfort bc of how I normally act. I usually bottle up everything inside, refuse to talk it out, and pretend like everything's ok so I need to open up. But I know some people just need a moment to regroup before. If I push him away, I do it more and more and it leads me and us to a bad place.

[icequeen]

I am slightly in the opposite situation, because MH usually hesitates to comfort me because I am so emotionally and verbally explosive during my panic attacks and breakdowns. We both tend to pull away but eventually can talk things through. It will usually take a few days for us to get everything out on the table, but it works for us. I think it is super important to not force yourself to accept any kind of treatment you don't feel you benefit from. If being hugged or touched by YH doesn't make you feel better and heightens your anxiety, then there is no shame in finding an alternative, especially if YH knows that this is how you function. If you need to withdraw for a few hours or longer, then I think that is fine as long as you are able to still communicate to YH why you are doing this and how he can best help you.

[Deleted]

My instinct is to pull away too. I think it is because I am feeling ashamed for succumbing to the anxiety and I don't feel like I deserve to be comforted. Sometimes I also feel like allowing him to comfort me is just another thing I have to do, it's for him to feel like he's helping.
So, I do think the key is to start verbalizing what it is exactly that you're feeling when you want to pull away. If you really just need that space for a minute or however long, that's ok, and hopefully your H can understand. If it would be helpful for you to accept that comfort, I think you can continue to work on it as you have been.

[tjr42px]

As others have said...communicate. As the SO, my wife doesn't want comfort and doesn't want not to be comforted. It really depends on how she is feeling and she says she doesn't really know which until it happens or doesn't happen. My instinct is to give her a hug and then give her mental space because this is what I need. We have agreed that she'll say no to a hug if it's not wanted and I won't take it personally. We've talked about her needs in those situations and it makes sense. But she also knows I'm not a mind reader so if the script needs to change, that's fine.

Personally, I don't want to be talked to, just let it run its course. My head is full enough, I don't want that sort of comfort, but I do crave physical touch. I prefer DW to acknowledge she recognizes I'm feeling a way and a hug or just cuddle next to me.

Both of us want the other to recognize we are stressed in the moment. It's important for it to be acknowledged, but then I prefer physical touch and she wants me out of the way most often (other times she's pissed because I give her too much space or don't give her enough:hence our default arrangement). We don't get it right most of the time, but knowing we are trying usually is the most helpful. It doesn't feel like "oh you're stressed, my way to comfort you doesn't work, okay you are in your own". It's an on going discussion in our house. It was hard at first because we've been together 11 years so shouldn't the other person just know this stuff? But I have no clue half the time what she wants, I can't expect her to know what I want. It took a while to get there for us.

Best of luck.

[bocaburger]

What do you think would be comforting to you in those moments? Maybe the hugging is just too much (I definitely get sensory overload when I panic so I can relate, although being held actually helps me with that). Is there something else he could do to show support that would be less overwhelming to you? Maybe just sit quietly near you, or get you tea, or help you breathe? Think about what would be most helpful to you and then communicate with him about it.

[icequeen]

Jun 26, 2015 7:40:00 GMT -5 bocaburger said:

What do you think would be comforting to you in those moments? Maybe the hugging is just too much (I definitely get sensory overload when I panic so I can relate, although being held actually helps me with that). Is there something else he could do to show support that would be less overwhelming to you? Maybe just sit quietly near you, or get you tea, or help you breathe? Think about what would be most helpful to you and then communicate with him about it.

I agree with this very much. Sometimes nothing DH can say makes me feel better; on the contrary, it makes me feel worse and more irritated. DH has learned now that the best way to comfort me is to ask me what would make me feel better, or what could he say to calm me down. Sometimes words might not be the way to get through to you, and actions may work better such as getting you a cup of tea or take over some of the housework or other responsibilities you you can take a nap.

[Deleted]

I find myself feeling this sense of recoiling sometimes. It's often when I'm at my most overwhelmed and am about ready to burst. Last night, in fact, I was having a particularly difficult evening and I ended up handing DS over to DH and retreating to another room. DH knew that meant I was in need of quiet time to re-group myself.

I agree that communication is important - when you are calm let YH know that you feel this way sometimes and it has nothing to do with him... you are just having a hard time processing things at the moment. Make sure he understands that if you do pull away, it's not because of anything he did, just that you need a moment. Once you get your moment, go give him a big hug.

[somebirdswalk]

Whoa, this sounds so familiar to me.

I can't guess what's behind your rejecting help, but for me quite often it's a form of self-punishment. I struggle with extremely low self esteem and feeling worthless, so rejecting comfort when I'm struggling is a way to affirm that I'm worthless. Does that make sense?

Accepting comfort would probably help ground me and smooth over things but I balk and reject the lovin'. I grew up not getting a lot of that feel good support and I've found that I have to actively increase my tolerance to benefit from my hubster's supportive advances, otherwise I just reject-reject-reject.

There's also the "fried circuits" factor, sometimes I get so worked up, upset, or overwhelmed that I start yellin' and stomping off and if that's the case I have to rage wild for a bit before anyone can come near me. There's also times lately when I want to physically attack my hubby and getting away is the best I can do in the moment... I guess the flipside of being more expressive instead of bottling up emotions is feeling emotions. D'oh.

This has been an issue of late for me and the DH, so I'm glad you posted this, it's helped me see that I can work on improvements!

Best of luck, I hope you are able to speak up during those hard times, I know it can be a challenge