Hey there- this is my intro

[mrspiatt]

Hi there- I'm not sure what I'm looking for exactly, I just know I'm feeling really lost right now. I'm currently 37 + 5 with baby #3, although the other 2 are older. DD is 18 and DS is 12. I've battled with depression from the time I was 13, I'm now 35. I've taken medication for both depression and anxiety, but I'm hot taking anything right now. The past month and a half or so I'm finding it difficult to be happy about anything. This scares me because I had severe PPD with DS and if I'm this unhappy now, how much worse can it get when this LO comes? I'm terrified.
I'm also not in a great place with DH right now. I think the things between me and him may be a large contributor to my current anxiety, depression etc, but I have no one to talk to. I don't want to complain about DH to people because he's not a bad guy. I don't think he is. I don't want to put in people's hands that he's an ass when he's not.
I'm tired, sad and lonely. Trying to make this a complete and coherent post is far too much work right now. Anyway, I'm just hoping that maybe if I reach out now, you guys can help me get it together if things get really dark after the baby is born.
If you read this, thank you.

[yoshijo28]

Hi, welcome. I'm sorry you're struggling so badly. We're here if you need anything. Are you currently seeing a therapist? Since you mentioned you had been on medication in the past is this a route you'd like to go back to soon or once LO is born? Many ((hugs))

[mrspiatt]

yoshijo28 and starbuck27 I definitely need to look into getting a therapist, but my trouble with therapy is finding the words to express how I'm feeling- or at least the courage to say them out loud. I've never figured out how to do that successfully. We attempted couple therapy, but the only local couples therapist in our HMO wants is to do a 6 week group session prior to seeing us and DH won't do that. I don't really want to do it either, but I would.
Yes, I think I want to go back on medication, but I also want to BF. There is also a fear that if I don't go in meds right away that I'll be disinterested in the the baby. I'm scared that my choices whatever they end up being will negatively impact my bonding with the baby. I never really bonded with DS, I don't want that to happen again.
Thanks, we fell in love with the name early on and fortunately stuck with it.

[Deleted]

Welcome mrspiatt. I'm glad you're thinking about finding a therapist. It can be hard for me to express myself too. I wouldn't let that stop you. Share that difficulty upfront and hopefully the right therapist can help you learn to communicate better. For example, our couples therapist saw this right away and suggested going to longer sessions so we had the time we needed to work through our issues. Also, once you find someone you're comfortable with you could bring YH to some of your sessions.
There are safe medications for BFing. I would also recommend looking for a psychiatrist now too, so you can have someone ready to prescribe meds when you need them.
I'm glad you decided to join us, we are here when you need us!

[somebirdswalk]

Welcome!

[icequeen]

Hi and I'm happy that you decided to intro. I can imagine the family dynamics changing a lot for y'all with an adult child, teenage child, and now a newborn child. While I think it is awesome, it definitely can cause some of your old depression and anxiety to creep back in. If you could find a therapist that's within your network that you could see weekly or bimonthly, I think that would really help you sort out your feelings and fears both before and after the baby comes. I think writing down your thoughts and feelings, no matter how jumbled they are, in a daily journal would be helpful before you start therapy. It doesn't have to be a novel, you can just jot down what you're feeling in a few words and what's going on in your current environment that is causing you to feel this way.

If you can find someone you trust and are open with, perhaps YH can come to a few sessions. I totally get how you want to complain about him without making him sound like an asshole. I have the same problem. While MH and I really love each other and want to improve our future together, our communication and reactions to my illness prevent us from moving forward with our relationship a lot of the time. More recently he has been more involved in my therapy and things are getting better very slowly.

Lastly, I know meds during pregnancy and breastfeeding can be scary and cause you uncertainty, but there are certainly safe and effective meds out there that have been extensively studied that are very safe. Maybe you can bring this up with your OB and see if she has any recommendations.

[URMySunshine77]

Welcome and I am so sorry that you are feeling lost. I hope that you can find a therapist whom you can connect with.

Like starbuck27, I was thinking that you might want to free-write your emotions or thoughts in a journal to articulate your feelings. Another option might be dictating your feelings into a phone or handheld recorder. That way you can voice your feelings spur of the moment.

Please use this board as a resource and take care.

[mrspiatt]

Thank you all for welcoming me and offering advice and suggestions. I'm going to look into a therapist on Monday and talk to my OB Friday at my appointment. The baby will be here by the 27th, so I just need to quit slacking and get things in order.

[Deleted]

Welcome to the board. I'm sorry you are struggling. I'm glad you are getting help though. Focus on yourself and getting to where you need to be. Maybe YH can do his own individual counseling as well and then you can join each others sessions now and then.

I hope you find what you need and congratulations on your soon to be bundle of joy. Beautiful name

[juliayadda]

welcome mrspiatt,

Is your baby still cooking? I had a lot of the same issues when I was pregnant with DS. The hardest part for me was the baby blues when my milk came in.

One thing the public health nurse suggested I do is go out for a walk alone once a day.

Very much welcome here.

[mrspiatt]

juliayadda- Allison arrived on 7/27. I'm not sure if it's just baby blues PPD, but I don't have much interest in anything. It hasn't interfered with my bonding with her or taking care of her, so I'm not too worried yet. I may try taking a walk by myself. That sounds like it might be nice.
This is Allison...

[Deleted]

mrspiatt, congrats on the new LO.

I don't have any experience with PPD, but remember we are here if you need someone to talk to.

[Deleted]

Late to this, but congrats! she is gorgeous!

I dealt with PPD, PP PTSD, and PP Anxiety.
The key for me was to find time for myself. Taking a walk by yourself sounds wonderful. You will get that time to re-center yourself and the exercise will help release happy hormones

If your feelings last longer than a few weeks don't be afraid to reach out.

I hope you are feeling better!

[Ray]

Welcome - I am sorry that you are struggling with this but glad you found us. I am new to this board also. I found it extremely difficult to self-motivate when I was dealing with depression so I found having a friend I trusted call to go for walks with me, or go grab a coffee with helped to get me up and out and doing the things I needed to be doing.

Congratulations on your LO! She is beautiful.