•••Loss Check-In•••7.18.15•••

[stefuge]

Hi ladies. Welcome to the Loss check-in! This is a weekly board-wide check-in for all of us who have suffered a late term pregnancy or child loss. As this is a board-wide check-in and we are all at different stages in our grief, please remember to post warnings for any subjects related to pregnancy or living children.

I am also so sorry to have to welcome any new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

QOTW: I know we did this before on the other board, but since we have some new moms, and it's always fun to talk about - share with us (if you feel comfortable) your angel's name and how you chose it.

Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?

[mommytoava]

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

Not really. I did get to eat at a local restaurant that bears my angel's name. It was on my list so I'm glad we got to go there, I felt like that was important

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

Just to get through the next few weeks until we leave. My husband finished up at his job and is going to be getting everything ready for us to go. We are more than ready for this move.

QOTW: I know we did this before on the other board, but since we have some new moms, and it's always fun to talk about - share with us (if you feel comfortable) your angel's name and how you chose it.

The name we originally picked out was Sarah. Then one day my husband said he had changed his mind about the name and said how about Ava. I thought about it and liked it, so it was an easy choice.

Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?

My husband and I had dinner with the parents of Ava's friends last night. With us moving in a few weeks, I don't know if we'll ever see them again. It was hard especially when they were talking about babysitters and playdates. It was hard but we got through it.

[shandorfml2]

Thanks for the check in stefuge,

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? No. I'm struggling. Lots of life stressors going on, which brings out my grief. *rainbow mentioned* LO was in the hospital this week, and that was scary and triggered my grief and panic. He's ok, but it was hard emotionally to go through.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I am in the middle of transitioning jobs. I am really hoping this will be a positive change. I am sick of my current job. My new job I will be working primarily with kids, which is what I prefer. I will also have more flexibility with my schedule. My goal is to be happier, have more fun, and more time with family/friends. I also want to get back into walking at least four times a week.

QOTW: I know we did this before on the other board, but since we have some new moms, and it's always fun to talk about - share with us (if you feel comfortable) your angel's name and how you chose it. My H had said early on, before we were even dating that his first daughter would be named Anastasia. I liked it, but wasn't in love with it. As years went by, we got married and planned on having kids, I fell in love with Anastasia. We both knew our first child would be a girl. So, when we got pregnant it was Anastasia. (nic name Ana). We went back and forth on her middle name, but chose Maeve because in fairytales it is the name of the fairy queen. She's our little fairy princess

Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share? Just life is hard. Sometimes harder than others and I seem to be in a rough spot. Work sucks, the weather sucks, I'm anxious/overwhelmed, money sucks, grief sucks...I miss my daughter and my Mom. Blah.

[stefuge]

shandorfml2 - ((hugs)). I'm sorry life is so difficult right now. And how scary that DS was in the hospital - I'm glad everything is ok! Hopefully things change with your job and you start to see improvement in other areas as well. Do you feel like it could PPD at all? I really struggled with that after the birth of DS1 and it made everything so much harder. ((Hugs))

[stefuge]

mommytoava - GL with the move, hopefully that will be a really healing step for you guys. And I can't imagine how difficult it was to have dinner with the families of Ava's friends. That was a big step. ((Hugs)).

[shandorfml2]

stefuge, I did struggle with PPD, and needed to stop breast feeding because of it. Now I wonder if my birth control pills could be contributing to my mood...

[wrenofthesea]

I hope it is alright if I join in the check-in. It has been a while since I have been here, my daughter Lillian was stillborn in Oct 2014 at 41 weeks-

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

I guess coming back here and also considering attending a local support group again. I also spent this past weekend at my in-laws. How they acted after Lillian died was quite hurtful and while he doesn't like to fully admit it, H was especially hurt that they could not be supportive or there for him. But, I am trying to repair this relationship even though they will not talk about it and act like nothing happened. It is hard but they are his family.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

I have been starting to see some of our friends again. For support H and I have had just ourselves and my parents, everyone else just disappeared after the first week or could never really deal with it. I know that I am supposed to believe that everyone means well, but some people were a bit insensitive/cruel- maybe it was displaced grief but as the parents that lost their child it hurt quite a bit. Some though I know were just awkward and didn't know what to do and since we were in such deep grief it was hard to hold their hands at that time. I am hoping that we can continue to be friends with some and am trying to be positive but we also know that we might also need to make some new friends.

QOTW: I know we did this before on the other board, but since we have some new moms, and it's always fun to talk about - share with us (if you feel comfortable) your angel's name and how you chose it.

Our daughter's name is Lillian Wren. We chose her middle name early on, we have a thing with birds and Wren especially fit her as she was always so active and up to something in the womb- just like a busy little wren. We had a few first names picked and about a week before I went into labor we were down to just Lillian or Lilliana. When we got to the hospital and then found out she was gone, the nurse asked for her name I blurted out Lillian Wren and that was that.

Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share?

Life has been lonely and hard lately. In addition to the lack of support from friends and some family I quit my job in April. To put it bluntly my supervisor lacked any sort of sympathy/compassion. She had always been hard to deal with and had said and done very insensitive things to me and others, but after losing my daughter I finally decided that was enough. I tried to come back to work and was there for a few months but it just wasn't working out. I was doing my work and accomplishing quite a bit but the insensitivity and judgement was getting to the point it was very unhealthy. I haven't worked there for awhile but I still get quite upset and hurt at times by things she said and did, which is frustrating. I guess I am just having some anger and frustration issues. I know these are things that I should let go of and move on from but it has been hard and taking longer that I thought.

[stefuge]

shandorfml2 - that would make sense. BCPs come with so many annoying side effects!

[happyin14]

Hey All - sorry I'm a bit late. Haven't been near an actual computer the past few days.

mommytoava - I hope the move is perfect. I can't believe you did dinner with Ava's friends' parents! You are SO strong. I hope you realize that. I totally understand the connection... but I don't think I could spend an evening hearing what all of Jack's friends are doing and loving.

shandorfml2 - sorry to hear LO was in the hospital. These triggers are SO tough. But you made it through and baby is doing okay... that's what is important. I hope the job change is helpful. I think often (especially this week!) that life has changed me so much. And I just don't have any patience for certain regular things. Maybe a job that has a better connection for you will help. I'm wondering the same thing...

wrenofthesea - I'm sorry you haven't had good support. It's awful and can really, really hurt. My only advice is that for the people you think ARE capable of giving good support and understanding, definitely talk to them. Explain what's still hard and what would be helpful. They may just not know. And then for those that can't be supportive, let them go. We all have enough on our plate. Some people aren't equipped for it. I've basically lost one of my very best friends because she can't accept that I don't buy this as "God's plan". it's not enough for her to believe it, she needs me to understand it. And I completely disagree but she won't leave it be. No matter how much I explain how hurtful that is to me... So I don't talk to her anymore about big issues. At all. I was sad for a while but 8 months out, it actually feels okay. And not as "heavy". Hugs. You ARE NOT alone. It's just that people who get it might live in the computer.

[happyin14]

AFM:

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I've started writing again and that feels good. I also went back and read some of the stuff I wrote over the first year. It reminded me that I was both hurting WAY more and I was able to talk about the loss better and healthier... if that makes sense? Giving myself time to really think about what I wanted to do with my loss and spending time on my grief was much better for me than just going through the days. So, I'm going to spend some time, give myself the space for it. I think it'll help.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Getting through the 2 year anniversary in a couple of weeks. And my only plan is to get through it! Ha ha. I know what helped last year and I'm hoping to do some of that stuff again.

QOTW: I know we did this before on the other board, but since we have some new moms, and it's always fun to talk about - share with us (if you feel comfortable) your angel's name and how you chose it. Jack's first name was really just a name we liked. And we really just wanted his name to be Jack - so we didn't go with John or Jackson or whatever. It's Jack. His middle name has more of a story: There's a tradition in MH's family that the names get passed down without any Jr or Sr or anything. There was SOME expectation that we'd name our son the same name as his dad (and grandpa and great uncle, etc. etc.). MH didn't love having the EXACT same name as his dad. It was confusing for things like credit cards and jury duty. So Jack has two middle names and they are his dad's first and middle name. The idea being that he could always choose to be a part of the tradition when we was older if he wanted to. The names were given to him. He could choose whatever combination. One of the hardest things is that I REALLY love the name Jack. So, so much. And I lost my Jack. I lost her person he was... but I also lost being able to talk about "my kid Jack". If that makes any sense...

Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share? I work in a particularly competitive industry and that means that people behave pretty terribly to get what they want and need. Some days, I just want to scream at people "THIS IS NOT A PROBLEM. LET ME TELL YOU WHAT A REAL PROBLEM IS." And I fear that not caring about these stupid, small details any more means I'm not very good at my job anymore. I go through these funks... Hopefully I'll snap out of it.

[stefuge]

wrenofthesea - I'm so glad you decided to come back to the board! We've all taken time away at one time or another, but I know, at least for me, this board is such a support, especially when there aren't people IRL who can understand. I am so sorry you aren't feeling support from the people in your life! That is so upsetting. We are here! We understand! You are not alone! I lost a couple friendships after the loss of Colton, and it makes me sad, but I just couldn't do it anymore. Like you said, I didn't feel like I should have to hold their hand when we were the ones who lost our son. I also didn't feel like I should be the one making all the effort or being forced to grieve and heal on their timeline. And I've decided it's ok. There have been a few friendships that have grown stronger through this, and that is what I focus on. Also, all of you lovely ladies that I met here and have gotten to know. ((Hugs)). I hope things start to improve and you can let go of the anger. It's ok to be angry. It's normal. You just need to find a way to express it and let it out.

[stefuge]

happyin14 - I can relate to your loving Jacks name. I know our situation was different, but when I was pregnant with Colton, we had picked out his name and I loved it. Then, when we found out we had lost him, there was a moment when I didn't want to use the name because I loved it so much and I wanted to use it, not memorialize it. But, of course, it was his name. ((Hugs)). That's hard, and especially because of the tradition regarding his middle names. I also get so frustrated when people whine and complain about stupid things. My MIL likes to use the phrase " heartbroken" about the most stupid things and it makes me want to yell at her, "I know heartbroken! Stop throwing that word around!" Ugh. So frustrating!

[happyin14]

Jul 22, 2015 12:13:50 GMT -5 stefuge said:

happyin14 - I can relate to your loving Jacks name. I know our situation was different, but when I was pregnant with Colton, we had picked out his name and I loved it. Then, when we found out we had lost him, there was a moment when I didn't want to use the name because I loved it so much and I wanted to use it, not memorialize it. But, of course, it was his name. ((Hugs)). That's hard, and especially because of the tradition regarding his middle names. I also get so frustrated when people whine and complain about stupid things. My MIL likes to use the phrase " heartbroken" about the most stupid things and it makes me want to yell at her, "I know heartbroken! Stop throwing that word around!" Ugh. So frustrating!

I recently read about Franklin Roosevelt who lost his 3rd child when he was very young.  It was the child they named Franklin... then later, they also named another son Franklin.  I completely understood... 

[shandorfml2]

happyin14, I get what your saying about the name. I'm sad I don't get to use Ana's name all the time. I know some people who use their angels' name again for a future child, but that's just not for me. I also experience the same at work. I'm a counselor so I hear all kinds of stuff that piss people off or make them depressed. I want to be like...really?!

[happyin14]

Umm.... Just a quick vent. Just logged onto Facebook and my aunt and uncle (who have fake problems that we are all supposed to REALLY care about) just posted a whole bunch of graphic photos from a local fire. Which are totally triggering me... We are like 2.5 weeks from the second anniversary. I hate them.

Also, why do people want to "share" something so awful?

[shandorfml2]

happyin14, so, so dumb. Sorry you had to see that!

[stefuge]

((Hugs)) happyin14. So inconsiderate and hurtful.

[mommytoava]

I'm so sorry Happyin14. That was so inappropriate of them. Big hugs

[flutterfly88]

So many ((((hugs)))) happyin14. I'm so sorry they shared that.

[happyin14]

Thanks guys. Apparently my mom called my uncle and asked him to take it down. And I sent a message to my aunt - who I do not like - and she blocked me! Which makes me laugh.

People are SO clueless about how hard this is. They tell you it's the worst thing imaginable. Then they seem to forget a minute later.

[flutterfly88]

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I want to go visit Parker's grave again. DH and I used to go every 2 weeks like clockwork, and lately we've been going less. I knew that as we got further away from losing him, life would creep in and we'd visit less, but it's still hard to not feel guilty.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I really want us to make the final decisions and order his grave marker. We have so few free weekends left until September, and it's really important to me that we have it in place before his first birthday. (Which is in October, so if we don't go until September we may not make that goal).

QOTW: I know we did this before on the other board, but since we have some new moms, and it's always fun to talk about - share with us (if you feel comfortable) your angel's name and how you chose it. Parker Jacob Alexander- DH loved the name Carter, but that was a step-cousin who died from cancer's name, so it felt disrespectful to use it. I came across Parker, which is similar and DH loved it. Jacob because on day in church a song had the line "God of Jacob" in it and I knew that that was supposed to be his name. To me it was a reminder that my God would be Parker's God too. Passing on my faith is very important to me. Alexander is my husband's middle name.


Rants/Raves/Anything else you want to share? I'm having a very hard time wih how fast life is passing by. It's hard to believe that in a few short months Parker will have been gone for a year.

[mommytoava]

Jul 23, 2015 16:22:36 GMT -5 happyin14 said:

People are SO clueless about how hard this is. They tell you it's the worst thing imaginable. Then they seem to forget a minute later.

You're right about this.  I have the same reaction when I see people complaining about their children not sleeping.  I just hope they never have to live that nightmare of having your child not wake up.

[dadalou]

flutterfly88 I just wanted to let you know that gravestones can take a long time. Ours was ordered in May and placed in either September or October. I was surprised by how slow it was. It took a month to even get a proof, which then of course was wrong.

[heartpresidents]

Jul 24, 2015 22:55:45 GMT -5 dadalou said:

flutterfly88 I just wanted to let you know that gravestones can take a long time. Ours was ordered in May and placed in either September or October. I was surprised by how slow it was. It took a month to even get a proof, which then of course was wrong.

Same here, ours took a couple months. And the proof had a typo on his name that was almost missed, and had a date wrong.

[heartpresidents]

Jul 23, 2015 16:22:36 GMT -5 happyin14 said:

Thanks guys. Apparently my mom called my uncle and asked him to take it down. And I sent a message to my aunt - who I do not like - and she blocked me! Which makes me laugh.

People are SO clueless about how hard this is. They tell you it's the worst thing imaginable. Then they seem to forget a minute later.

Ugh, I'm sorry they're so dumb! People really are idiots sometimes, I can't stand people like that.

[flutterfly88]

Jul 25, 2015 7:11:28 GMT -5 heartpresidents said:

Jul 24, 2015 22:55:45 GMT -5 dadalou said:

flutterfly88 I just wanted to let you know that gravestones can take a long time. Ours was ordered in May and placed in either September or October. I was surprised by how slow it was. It took a month to even get a proof, which then of course was wrong.

Same here, ours took a couple months. And the proof had a typo on his name that was almost missed, and had a date wrong.

Thanks, we met with a company back in January (can't believe it was already that long ago) and at the time they gave us a timeframe of 6-8 weeks. I know that was at their quieter time, so it'll probably be longer now. When we finally order it abd get the proof back I will be sure to check it over carefully. Thanks. 

[mrswheelo]

*****Siggy warning. Possible triggers*****







I'm late to the party, but I've had a good bad week. Being PgAL can make healing tough. I spend alot of time worrying about whether this baby will live, so I don't do alot to help deal with my already existing grief.
But this week, I started. A little. I went through all of the baby clothes we had for the twins. Their room is exactly the same and we often still refer to it as "the twin's room". Trying to transition to call it "the nursery" instead. The struggle is real. Anyway, I separated all of the girl clothes from the boy clothes and have begun putting them in a box for storage.

It's a huge step for me. I'm finally ok to not have the clothes out like we are going to use them. I will store them for future use.

I also was able to be around my SIL's baby who was born when the twins were due. I really hated seeing him. Hated looking at him, and realizing that I should have 2 babies that age/size. I didn't hold him or coo over his babyness, but I was able to hold it together without getting overly angry or sad. Usually, I wouldn't attend an event that they were going to, just to avoid seeing him. So when I was surprised by their appearance, it was a struggle not to immediately leave. I had an uncomfortable half hour, but was able to loosen up. Its a small thing, but I feel really good about it

[happyin14]

Jul 27, 2015 8:26:09 GMT -5 mrswheelo said:

*****Siggy warning. Possible triggers*****







I'm late to the party, but I've had a good bad week. Being PgAL can make healing tough. I spend alot of time worrying about whether this baby will live, so I don't do alot to help deal with my already existing grief.
But this week, I started. A little. I went through all of the baby clothes we had for the twins. Their room is exactly the same and we often still refer to it as "the twin's room". Trying to transition to call it "the nursery" instead. The struggle is real. Anyway, I separated all of the girl clothes from the boy clothes and have begun putting them in a box for storage.

It's a huge step for me. I'm finally ok to not have the clothes out like we are going to use them. I will store them for future use.

I also was able to be around my SIL's baby who was born when the twins were due. I really hated seeing him. Hated looking at him, and realizing that I should have 2 babies that age/size. I didn't hold him or coo over his babyness, but I was able to hold it together without getting overly angry or sad. Usually, I wouldn't attend an event that they were going to, just to avoid seeing him. So when I was surprised by their appearance, it was a struggle not to immediately leave. I had an uncomfortable half hour, but was able to loosen up. Its a small thing, but I feel really good about it

. These are HUGE things! Not small things. I remembered when we started training ourselves to say nursery, too. It felt weird- but now it's normal. I still trip over saying Cooper's room... But I can even spit that out once in awhile!

It will get easier to be around kids that are the right age. I promise. Never simple, but easier. I used to hate going to my friend's house and seeing her daughter. The more you do it, the better it is.

[stefuge]

mrswheelo - good job on both of those accomplishments - Those are big steps! Seeing other babies the same age as your angel is one of the hardest things, especially when it's unexpected. I hope this was a big step towards healing that relationship with your SIL, and hopefully as more time passes you will be able to spend more time with them.

[heartpresidents]

mrswheelo,Such huge steps, you should feel good! I still have a hard time being around kids Lincoln's age, or the age he was when he passed away, I avoid it at all costs. And sorting through the clothes is a big deal. Well done!