I'm so sorry readinglove and blackbird, I posted in that thread and I hate the thought that I contributed to anyone's grief. All the hugs.
I was actually thinking about posting a question thread for the loss moms because I want to be supportive of you amazing ladies but I don't really know how. I have had significant adult loss in my life but never pregnancy/child loss so I sincerely don't know what I should/shouldn't do or say outside of the very obvious.
FYI just bc I'm KU doesn't mean I don't still hurt and miss my Angel Babies every damn day.
(((and yes I know you've had losses so I would have expected more sensitivity to the issue instead of blowing it off for "fun"))
I don't understand how this is insensitive? She's not saying you can't be hurt, she's saying it wasn't done maliciously. I'm sorry for you losses, but I thought a BMB was an ok place to discuss pregnancies.
The reason her response was even more insensitive is bc she basically was blowing off my feelings as a loss mom & my previous (loss) pregnancies by saying "yea but you're KU now so it's all good...lets have some fun".
That's not how it works. Being KU does not erase my past, and it doesn't erase my feelings or grief. I think about my previous pregnancies and my Angels ALOT. And no one should tell me how I should feel about my losses now or ever.
I get that it wasn't done maliciously, and I never said it was. But it hurt me and from PPs comments it hurt some other PGAL moms too.
I never said it wasn't ok to discuss pregnancies. I know there have been multiple threads about STM, etc. and I haven't had an issue with those. Mostly bc they stated clearly the topic inside. I wasn't prepared when I opened the thread in question to be asked to post bump pics from PREVIOUS pregnancies. Like I said already, I understand that many ladies here have older children, and that is not what I was taking issue with.
Last Edit: Jul 23, 2015 11:07:54 GMT -5 by blackbird
TTC since Sept 2012 M/C on 5/01/13 at 8 wks AF finally appeared 11 wks later per Provera Diagnosed with PCOS on 7/29/13 Three Failed Medicated Cycles, NTNP Indefinitely BFP #2 9/14/14, EDD 5/23/15...MMC discovered @ 9w2d; D&C 10/23/14 ***BFP #3 7/4/15, LO born 3/17/16***
I'm so sorry readinglove and blackbird, I posted in that thread and I hate the thought that I contributed to anyone's grief. All the hugs.
I was actually thinking about posting a question thread for the loss moms because I want to be supportive of you amazing ladies but I don't really know how. I have had significant adult loss in my life but never pregnancy/child loss so I sincerely don't know what I should/shouldn't do or say outside of the very obvious.
I just want to second this sentiment exactly. Very well said.
Hugs readinglove and blackbird and to anyone else who was hurt by that thread. I can't even imagine pain from your losses.
Like when I have pics to compare side by side from my son and this pregnancy, should I not post them here? Put them in a spoiler?
First off just let me say I don't want to be THE spokesperson for PGAL moms and what "we" want.
For me....honestly, I don't have an issue with you posting things about yourself. So if you want to have side-by-sides in your siggy or even post them in the HDBD once we get to that point, that doesn't bother me. I get that people have been KU before. I will say it is an adjustment for me seeing baby/LO pics in siggies & avatars bc we don't do that on CAL, but it doesn't bother me.
I think it was the open call for everyone to post previous pregnancy bump pics that rubbed me the wrong way bc of the reminder that this isn't my first pregnancy...but I have "nothing to show" from my 2 previous pregnancies. IDK how else to explain it.
TLDR: BB is having a hard time with words today and isn't explaining herself very well.
TTC since Sept 2012 M/C on 5/01/13 at 8 wks AF finally appeared 11 wks later per Provera Diagnosed with PCOS on 7/29/13 Three Failed Medicated Cycles, NTNP Indefinitely BFP #2 9/14/14, EDD 5/23/15...MMC discovered @ 9w2d; D&C 10/23/14 ***BFP #3 7/4/15, LO born 3/17/16***
Like when I have pics to compare side by side from my son and this pregnancy, should I not post them here? Put them in a spoiler?
First off just let me say I don't want to be THE spokesperson for PGAL moms and what "we" want.
For me....honestly, I don't have an issue with you posting things about yourself. So if you want to have side-by-sides in your siggy or even post them in the HDBD once we get to that point, that doesn't bother me. I get that people have been KU before. I will say it is an adjustment for me seeing baby/LO pics in siggies & avatars bc we don't do that on CAL, but it doesn't bother me.
I think it was the open call for everyone to post previous pregnancy bump pics that rubbed me the wrong way bc of the reminder that this isn't my first pregnancy...but I have "nothing to show" from my 2 previous pregnancies. IDK how else to explain it.
TLDR: BB is having a hard time with words today and isn't explaining herself very well.
I think the third paragraph sums it up really well - it wasn't meant to be exclusionary, but for those of us who have been pregnant previously and lost babies, it was a tough thing to see.
Post by xxkimmy8xx on Jul 23, 2015 12:14:07 GMT -5
Agree with blackbird, and readinglove. I think the hardest part for me right now is that it's still SO early for us and with my history, seeing threads like that makes me even more anxious that I didn't have a LC with my last pregnancy and that the same thing could happen again. :/
The reason her response was even more insensitive is bc she basically was blowing off my feelings as a loss mom & my previous (loss) pregnancies by saying "yea but you're KU now so it's all good...lets have some fun".
That's not how it works. Being KU does not erase my past, and it doesn't erase my feelings or grief. I think about my previous pregnancies and my Angels ALOT. And no one should tell me how I should feel about my losses now or ever.
I get that it wasn't done maliciously, and I never said it was. But it hurt me and from PPs comments it hurt some other PGAL moms too.
I never said it wasn't ok to discuss pregnancies. I know there have been multiple threads about STM, etc. and I haven't had an issue with those. Mostly bc they stated clearly the topic inside. I wasn't prepared when I opened the thread in question to be asked to post bump pics from PREVIOUS pregnancies. Like I said already, I understand that many ladies here have older children, and that is not what I was taking issue with.
edit typo
I think you're reading a little too much into what she said because I didn't get that from what she said at all. I don't think anyone expects you to get over it because you're pregnant now. I'm truly sorry that the post caused you or anyone else to be hurt by it. What can we do to keep it from happening again? Can the OP change the thread title? What else would help going forward?
blackbird not sure if you saw my post above, but I had similar questions to @shakeyjakey. What can we do to help be sensitive to PGAL needs?
Would it have been better if the original poster worded the paragraph "STMS, it's HBDB show us your previous bumps!" Or would that have been more exclusive and hurtful? Should she have put that in the title so you'd know not to click on it?
By its very nature a BMB brings together people with a wide variety of experience and at a wide range of places on the PG/parenting journey. It needs to be ok for people who are STMs+ to be able to post their experience, just like FTMs and PGAL mom's. I thought that thread was fun and I don't think anyone should have to apologize for it. I don't think it was done w any unthoughtfulness in mind. I want to be kind and sensitive to everyone's journey, but as a STM I want to feel free to participate in and start threads that pertain to where we are at too.
By its very nature a BMB brings together people with a wide variety of experience and at a wide range of places on the PG/parenting journey. It needs to be ok for people who are STMs+ to be able to post their experience, just like FTMs and PGAL mom's. I thought that thread was fun and I don't think anyone should have to apologize for it. I don't think it was done w any unthoughtfulness in mind. I want to be kind and sensitive to everyone's journey, but as a STM I want to feel free to participate in and start threads that pertain to where we are at too.
By its very nature a BMB brings together people with a wide variety of experience and at a wide range of places on the PG/parenting journey. It needs to be ok for people who are STMs+ to be able to post their experience, just like FTMs and PGAL mom's. I thought that thread was fun and I don't think anyone should have to apologize for it. I don't think it was done w any unthoughtfulness in mind. I want to be kind and sensitive to everyone's journey, but as a STM I want to feel free to participate in and start threads that pertain to where we are at too.
I completely agree with everything you said. However, as loss moms, we are conscious of what we are posting and included loss warnings when discussing various topics because we know that those things are triggers for some people and it makes them uncomfortable. STMs+ have invaluable knowledge and experience to share with all of us, and that's an awesome thing. I think this is/was just a reminder to be sensitive to all of the backgrounds on the board - whether it FTM, STM+, PgAL, etc.
I think @shakeyjakey's suggestion with the thread being something like "STMS, it's HBDB show us your previous bumps!" would have been great - it gives loss moms the heads-up so that if we're having a tough day we know what to expect.
Post by SheilaTheTank on Jul 23, 2015 12:55:43 GMT -5
@pugsandwine, made a thread when the board started, asking people to include trigger warnings due to the large amount of loss moms, and got completely ripped apart for it.
So now I'm confused, do the PGALs want trigger warnings or not.
@pugsandwine, made a thread when the board started, asking people to include trigger warnings due to the large amount of loss moms, and got completely ripped apart for it.
So now I'm confused, do the PGALs want trigger warnings or not.
If I'm remembering correctly, that was related to loss moms putting loss warnings on their posts when mentioning things related to miscarriage/pregnancy loss. Please correct me if I'm wrong, because it was awhile ago.
@pugsandwine, made a thread when the board started, asking people to include trigger warnings due to the large amount of loss moms, and got completely ripped apart for it.
So now I'm confused, do the PGALs want trigger warnings or not.
If I'm remembering correctly, that was related to loss moms putting loss warnings on their posts when mentioning things related to miscarriage/pregnancy loss. Please correct me if I'm wrong, because it was awhile ago.
That's how it started, but I thought it was determined that no triggers were needed at all. Maybe I read into it wrong.
I'm seriously asking though. We have people here who are STMs+ and they are, through normal conversations, going to talk about their LOs and maybe compare their previous pregnancies to their current ones. Should they put trigger warnings on their posts?
If I'm remembering correctly, that was related to loss moms putting loss warnings on their posts when mentioning things related to miscarriage/pregnancy loss. Please correct me if I'm wrong, because it was awhile ago.
That's how it started, but I thought it was determined that no triggers were needed at all. Maybe I read into it wrong.
I'm seriously asking though. We have people here who are STMs+ and they are, through normal conversations, going to talk about their LOs and maybe compare their previous pregnancies to their current ones. Should they put trigger warnings on their posts?
For me personally, I don't need trigger warnings for normal conversations about people's LOs and comparing pregnancies. I expect that on a BMB. Something where it's an entire thread devoted to discussing/sharing pictures from previous pregnancies? That would be potentially be a little different, and might warrant some sort of warning if the thread title wasn't self-explanatory. But again, those are just my thoughts and opinions - I don't want to speak for all PgALers here.
That's how it started, but I thought it was determined that no triggers were needed at all. Maybe I read into it wrong.
I'm seriously asking though. We have people here who are STMs+ and they are, through normal conversations, going to talk about their LOs and maybe compare their previous pregnancies to their current ones. Should they put trigger warnings on their posts?
For me personally, I don't need trigger warnings for normal conversations about people's LOs and comparing pregnancies. I expect that on a BMB. Something where it's an entire thread devoted to discussing/sharing pictures from previous pregnancies? That would be potentially be a little different, and might warrant some sort of warning if the thread title wasn't self-explanatory. But again, those are just my thoughts and opinions - I don't want to speak for all PgALers here.
That's how it started, but I thought it was determined that no triggers were needed at all. Maybe I read into it wrong.
I'm seriously asking though. We have people here who are STMs+ and they are, through normal conversations, going to talk about their LOs and maybe compare their previous pregnancies to their current ones. Should they put trigger warnings on their posts?
For me personally, I don't need trigger warnings for normal conversations about people's LOs and comparing pregnancies. I expect that on a BMB. Something where it's an entire thread devoted to discussing/sharing pictures from previous pregnancies? That would be potentially be a little different, and might warrant some sort of warning if the thread title wasn't self-explanatory. But again, those are just my thoughts and opinions - I don't want to speak for all PgALers here.
Agreed. Thank you for explaining it better than I did.
TTC since Sept 2012 M/C on 5/01/13 at 8 wks AF finally appeared 11 wks later per Provera Diagnosed with PCOS on 7/29/13 Three Failed Medicated Cycles, NTNP Indefinitely BFP #2 9/14/14, EDD 5/23/15...MMC discovered @ 9w2d; D&C 10/23/14 ***BFP #3 7/4/15, LO born 3/17/16***
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