Weird Anger Issues (triggers: children/pregnancy)

[somebirdswalk]

First off, I'm not entirely sure if this is board appropriate but I'm just not sure where else I would get any support to help dealing with such sticky, icky thoughts (they're not obsessive but definitely clingy and bothersome/very emotionally charged).

My issue is this:

When I was about a month PP my sister told me she was preggers. Background: she's 21, in a fledgling relationship, it's a big "oops" and the careless way she handles her pregnancy after I put so much thought and effort into conception, pregnancy, and delivery really bothers me (read: pisses me off). She hasn't been diagnosed or gets any treatment but she may have some sort of mood or personality disorder (another reason I'm so rankled, I put in so much effort to try and stay healthy and she just implodes every so often and expects everyone to clean up her messes).  Sister issues, ya know?

Anyways, besides all that drama the real issue behind this post is my nephew-to-be's name. Well, not even the name (even though I think it's trendy-trash) it's the initials: B.M.S.

If I don't see BMs as in "bowel movements" I see BS and in "bullshit." So I've been thinking of this child as "Shitbaby" in my mind and haven't been able to bring myself to use his given name and all my anger and resentment issues with my sister seem to be befalling this innocent babe.

It's been going on for months now. I can't purge the anger, I can't cut the "shit" out and just see the letters and I've got a baby shower to go to in less than a month!!!! At our family 4th of July BBQ any questions about her pregnancy made me seethe and I glared into nothing and shrugged when I couldn't muster some sort of inoffensive, noncommittal answer... Choppy social waters and awkward situations here I come. 

Oh, did I mention the anxiety tied in with this and worrying about and imaging the social scenarios I may encounter? Trying to figure out ways to avoid saying the baby's name at all? It's getting out of hand.... OK, it is just straight up out of hand.

 Does anyone have tips for calming down negative thoughts? Changing associations? My therapist recommended writing a letter I won't send to my sister to try and purge the emotions but I've written 2 or 3 to no avail (maybe I need to be more.... colorful in my letter writing?). I'm also thinking of trying loving kindness meditation.

TIA-Becoming an aunt/uncle doesn't seem to mean much in my family but I certainly don't want to be a glowering, resentful bitch-of-a-auntie if I can help it! 

[somebirdswalk]

I do want to resolve these issues for more than social reasons-if that didn't come across in my initial post I would much rather prefer to have a positive perspective/relationship to this!!!

[Deleted]

I get the sister issues, for sure. My sister and I HATED each other for a long time. It's weird how sibling relationships can just bring out the rage in you! And I think you're right, that you're projecting your anger about her onto her baby. So, can you try thinking of him more as your nephew and less as your sister's son? You say becoming an auntie doesn't mean much in your family, but what does it mean to you? My sister and I get along now, and I feel fairly possessive of my nieces and nephew (in a healthy way) - they are MY nieces and nephew and I have an important role in their lives.
I know you said these thoughts aren't obsessive but I wonder if some methods for dealing with obsessive thoughts would help. I have no idea what those might be. But I'm thinking maybe come up with a new nickname for the baby, maybe Little B or Baby Bee? Then you can picture a cute little bumblebee buzzing around? And focus on that, counter any other negative nicknames or images with that as soon as they pop up.
Are you working through this more with your therapist? If the letter writing isn't helping maybe she can suggest something else. I think creating some distance from your sister might help. Not abandoning her or cutting ties, but some emotional distance, if that makes sense. I would think your therapist could help you with that.

[rosied]

I think your therapists suggestion of writing a letter to her and not mailing it is good, but I really think you should look further into the cause of your strained relationship with her.

I struggled for a long time with anger comparing myself to all kinds of people in my life. MH and I were married for years when his sister got pregnant. She wasn't married and wasn't in a committed relationship and it was so very hard on me. I had many of the same feelings and emotions you expressed above. In my case I really just had to shift how I was looking at things/people.

Your sister isn't you and doesn't handle things to way you do, but that doesn't mean she is wrong. I totally understand the frustrations but at a certain point you are only harming yourself by perpetuating it. I know that is easier said than done, but I do believe (for me personally) accepting and acknowleding that someone will never meet MY standards allows me the ability to accept them for who they are. Once I accept them then I no longer feel the reason to analyze them and make myself feel better. I was able to be happy for my SIL and her child. I was able to be at family events without feeling like my eyes were going to roll out of my head.

I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this. I think working with your therapist is a great idea.

[somebirdswalk]

Thank for all the wonderful suggestions and support! It's good to know that I'm not totally wicked or off base *relieved sigh*

@rocknrollfriend & millimeter314, I think separating things and thinking of baby as my nephew instead of my sister's son is a good idea. Even just reading that just now feels like it took some pressure off. And the nickname idea is good too! I am going to try to figure out one that works for me and start subbing it in ASAP.

rosied,I think you are really onto something with the comparison issues and harming myself by perpetuating the anger etc. There is a lot of sibling rivalry in my family and despite having done "everything right" I still don't feel accepted and now my sister is doing "everything wrong" and nobody bats a lash, it burns. I think working on acceptance would be a big help, and help me from rolling my eyeballs out the back of my head too!

Ahhh. Thank you. So glad to feel like I have some new footholds!

[samanthasays]

Whenever I am having spiraling jealousy issues the mantras I turn to are "comparison is the killer of joy" and "someone else out there has it worse than me".

Comparison is the killer of joy: Your sister and nephew have no bearing on you and your child. Your pregnancy and delivery are no less special because she is not putting in the same amount of effort.

Someone else out there has it worse than me: You have a baby of your own! There are women on here who are dealing with the same jealousy, but they themselves may never carry a child to term. I am not saying that to guilt trip you, just trying to help put some things in perspective.

[Deleted]

Jul 28, 2015 23:27:41 GMT -5 somebirdswalk said:

Thank for all the wonderful suggestions and support! It's good to know that I'm not totally wicked or off base *relieved sigh*

@rocknrollfriend & millimeter314, I think separating things and thinking of baby as my nephew instead of my sister's son is a good idea. Even just reading that just now feels like it took some pressure off. And the nickname idea is good too! I am going to try to figure out one that works for me and start subbing it in ASAP.

rosied,I think you are really onto something with the comparison issues and harming myself by perpetuating the anger etc. There is a lot of sibling rivalry in my family and despite having done "everything right" I still don't feel accepted and now my sister is doing "everything wrong" and nobody bats a lash, it burns. I think working on acceptance would be a big help, and help me from rolling my eyeballs out the back of my head too!

Ahhh. Thank you. So glad to feel like I have some new footholds!

I am glad we could help! Please let us know how you're doing and if there's anything else you need to talk through.

[somebirdswalk]

samanthasays, those are helpful thank you. And no worries, I don't feel "guilt tripped," that had already crossed my mind! Totally sensible!

@rocknrollfriend, So far I'm doing better. I like the pet name "Dandy," and I've been able to imagine greeting my nephew with love and and kindness which is a huge step

[icequeen]

I can definitely understand your feelings of frustration and displeasure with your sister's behaviors and choices. My sister and I are 23 months apart and really used to butt heads all the time. Now we are truly the best of friends, along with our mom. Since your sister is 21, pretty young, and already has a strained relationship with you, chances are she isn't very likely to listen to your advice or change her lifestyle. I know that is hard to accept but the reality is that she is pregnant now and the only thing you can do now is be the best aunt you can to this child. I think it would really be helpful if you just saw him as part of your family and a separate entity from your sister. Obviously he can't choose who is parents are, and as he grows older you may even find he reminds you nothing of your sister.

I think the reason you are associating his initials with such negative terms is because you have an intense dislike for your sister and you are projecting it onto her son. If you think about it, how many times are you or anyone else really going to have to refer to him by his initials? I agree with coming up with a nickname of your own, and maybe taking a look at your sister's US pics so you can feel more connected to the process and him. You can also form a bond with him as he grows up, and it doesn't necessarily mean your sister has to be super involved. If y'all have cousins and other kids in the family you can choose to focus on them instead of how your sister makes you feel.