Intro ***Loss, LC/OPP mentioned***
Sept 14, 2015 20:11:57 GMT -5
Post by likethewheels on Sept 14, 2015 20:11:57 GMT -5
(Sorry for the novel in advance.)
Well, I’m here. And I’m so sorry that any of us have to be here.
LO #2 was due to arrive April 2nd, 2016. I had my first OB appointment at 8w6d, and had had blood work earlier that week (for severe m/s) and my hcg was fine. The NP who works with my OB tried to listen for the HB on the doppler in office and couldn’t hear anything, but reassured me it was still early. In the back of my mind, I remember already having heard LO #1’s HB earlier than almost 9 weeks. In a panic, I’d ordered a fetal doppler on Amazon to be delivered that same day before I’d even left the office.
I had a second appointment at 9w6d for other blood work and the NP tried to listen again for the HB. Nothing. They did an ultrasound in the office but said the quality of it was too poor, and that I’d be sent for an ultrasound at the hospital down the road. I could see the baby on the monitor, and I could see that there was no movement.
I called my H who met me at the hospital. The tech did the ultrasound as well as a transvaginal ultrasound and went to get the radiologist, who confirmed what I already knew. There was no heart beat. The baby measured 9w6d, so I have no idea when the heart stopped or if there was ever a heart beat to begin with.
I went back to the OB and met with my doctor, and scheduled a D&E for the next day since I hadn’t had any bleeding or cramping. I contemplated waiting to miscarry, but realized I couldn’t go about my daily life “normally” while I was still feeling so pregnant and knowing that I really wasn’t, if that makes sense.
It’s been just over a week. The D&E itself wasn’t bad physically, but I didn’t think I’d take it this hard emotionally. I feel alone. I’m angry. I’m disgusted at my body for “tricking” me into trusting that I was pregnant and would deliver a healthy baby, as if it's just a given. I know I need to see someone but feel like I can’t even make the phone call to set up an appointment without bursting into tears, so how could I talk about this for an hour in person? I just feel really pathetic in my inability to cope. I can’t even drive to Target without crying because it’s on the way to the hospital where I had the D&E.
I’m sorry for the ramble. If you made it this far, thanks for listening.
Well, I’m here. And I’m so sorry that any of us have to be here.
LO #2 was due to arrive April 2nd, 2016. I had my first OB appointment at 8w6d, and had had blood work earlier that week (for severe m/s) and my hcg was fine. The NP who works with my OB tried to listen for the HB on the doppler in office and couldn’t hear anything, but reassured me it was still early. In the back of my mind, I remember already having heard LO #1’s HB earlier than almost 9 weeks. In a panic, I’d ordered a fetal doppler on Amazon to be delivered that same day before I’d even left the office.
I had a second appointment at 9w6d for other blood work and the NP tried to listen again for the HB. Nothing. They did an ultrasound in the office but said the quality of it was too poor, and that I’d be sent for an ultrasound at the hospital down the road. I could see the baby on the monitor, and I could see that there was no movement.
I called my H who met me at the hospital. The tech did the ultrasound as well as a transvaginal ultrasound and went to get the radiologist, who confirmed what I already knew. There was no heart beat. The baby measured 9w6d, so I have no idea when the heart stopped or if there was ever a heart beat to begin with.
I went back to the OB and met with my doctor, and scheduled a D&E for the next day since I hadn’t had any bleeding or cramping. I contemplated waiting to miscarry, but realized I couldn’t go about my daily life “normally” while I was still feeling so pregnant and knowing that I really wasn’t, if that makes sense.
It’s been just over a week. The D&E itself wasn’t bad physically, but I didn’t think I’d take it this hard emotionally. I feel alone. I’m angry. I’m disgusted at my body for “tricking” me into trusting that I was pregnant and would deliver a healthy baby, as if it's just a given. I know I need to see someone but feel like I can’t even make the phone call to set up an appointment without bursting into tears, so how could I talk about this for an hour in person? I just feel really pathetic in my inability to cope. I can’t even drive to Target without crying because it’s on the way to the hospital where I had the D&E.
I’m sorry for the ramble. If you made it this far, thanks for listening.