TTMA Custody

[lolo918]

Let me preface this with the fact that I have started a new post for awhile now and I still have no clue what my priority questions or issues are so it may get long.

So I felt ready to at least open online dating profiles again.  BD saw my profile on OKCupid around 12:30a Wednesday- I was using the same profile I had when we met and he had a new profile.  I got messaged from this profile that just had the north face logo instead of a profile picture, first to say hi and then saying my profile is the best this dude had seen; that he saw I had graduate studies, and from what schools.  When I woke up in the morning I had two missed calls from a number I didn't have saved in my phone- thankfully I have nighttime settings so the calls are silenced if I don't have the number saved- he didn't leave a message either.  Something that I couldn't explain didn't feel right (had seen missed calls at about the same time as okc messages), so I didn't respond to either.  That afternoon I got a few quickfire, impatient feeling messages from the same OKC profile saying: he didn't have a picture up because of his job that he could send me one through email or text if I wanted, if I was busy, and finally a message saying, btw how old is your Daughter.  I was feeling uneasy at this point, like something was telling me it was him but I tried to underplay it so I wouldn't freak myself out too much.  I still hadn't responded or engaged in any conversation with the online profile message, when I got a text from the number I do have for BD that basically said the reason why we can't work things out is because I just had a baby and already have a dating profile up, that I was doing what I do best.  Really did not want to engage at that point so I didn't respond, and he really escalted in insults around 11pm.  Between messages on OKC and texts, he called me a whorebag, slut bucket, bitch, said he knew he would find me on there, accused me of trolling on sites looking for a new BD, that I'd meet this new guy and start giving out BJ's, and he wasn't giving me a dime until we had a blood test done.  I reported the OKC profile for offensive messages to me, but wonder if legally there is anything to protect myself and DD.  She doesn't need that kind of influence in her life and I shudder to think of her possibly being in that environment as a helpless baby who can't speak up for herself right now.  

So, last night at first I was mostly annoyed.  Then the more I thought about it, it actually scared me.  Unless he is somewhere that specifically prohibits guns, he is always packing heat and last night with no input from me his behavior really escalated in an abnormal way.  I want to file for custody but I don't really even want to give him the chance to contest anything if that makes sense.  So what do you do when the behavior of your co-parent begins to make you wonder if you are safe around them or in general makes you want to cut off all communication with them?  

[saltypearl]

Save all messages and apply for a restraining order? I really have no idea and this is what I could come up with. Sorry you are dealing with such garbage.

[lolo918]

Thanks saltypearl. I plan on also talking to a lawyer about all of this too. It feels good to just not keep everything in my head and talk about it.

[freezorburn]

I'm sorry this is happening. And I'm glad that you are planning to talk to a lawyer. You shouldn't have to live in fear of this person.

[lolo918]

No legal custody papers/visitation filed, but it has been on my mind enough that I have the necessary paperwork in my possession.

As far as having the police chat with him, he moved out of our state at the end of August. I didn't know about this, he made an attempt to see us as he was driving through my area. (When he lived in state he was in a neighboring county) I didn't get those last minute messages because I was in a part of town where I didn't have service. He did contact me the next week appearing to want things to be different, to work at being good coparents, he was sorry, and communication was fairly well for about a week or so. This ended when he asked if I would drive down there so that DD and I could meet his mom. I told him that I had been thinking a lot about our situation and felt that we really needed to talk. That it was unfair that not only was all responsibility for DD on my shoulders, but now the responsibility for her transportation to see him was there too. That upset him, and he indicated that I was playing the victim, being unfair since he didn't have a car. So he stopped getting in contact with me to see how DD was doing, told me to not contact him unless it dealt with DD. I told him that I had already made it clear that I thought it was his responsibility to do that if he really wanted to show me he wanted to be involved with DD so to expect to not hear anything from me. His response then was that he owed me nothing, and if I wanted this to work I needed to contact him just as much as he contacted me.

So to present all facts, his car did break down in August of last year and he kept driving it until it caught on fire. When we were trying to work things out as a couple, I did help him out by giving him rides, etc but sometime before DD was born he started questioning me about whether or not he was her father anytime I didn't do what he wanted me to. It was that and him saying he thought that I was a slut that couldn't be trusted because we got frisky the first time we met in person. At that point I stopped catering to him and told him that I no longer wanted to try to make things work and gave that among other things as reasons why. I just feel like no matter what I do- resposne or no response, trying to be fair or not his response is always the same as soon as I don't do what he wants me to do.

[jennaleigh23]

I'm a few weeks late on this but wanted to know how this is going? Your situation is so similar to mine maybe we can help each other out with any legal/professional advice we get along the way. lolo918

[lolo918]

jennaleigh23, thank you for asking. How is everything going on your situation? I haven't heard anything at all from BD since the incident and now I'm waffling about going through with anything just yet.

I'm waffling because to file for custody I would either need to provide his address (he never gave me new one) or put an announcement in the local paper. I just feel like again no matter which way I go there is potential for drama. In one scenario I'd have to contact him to get his address, and I can't imagine him not wanting to know why I was asking. In the other, if I just post in the paper though, it leaves the possibility of him finding out and starting harassing calls or more. Then again it is possible that he won't see the posting and everything will go smoothly. I just don't know and I hate that I'm doubting myself.

I did find out that if he did want to file for custody, he has to file and pay separately from my filing. The first thing that would happen is a paternity test at his expense to confirm he's the father since he's not listed as father on her BC, and he hasn't turned in voluntary paternity paperwork because he would need my signature. Then, with my current income DD qualified for Medicaid when I added her to my healthcare marketplace account so in my state (VA) he would then automatically be responsible for back child support to pay the state back. I doubt he would follow through with anything once he found out the upfront expenses along with continued responsibility. So then I'm back at square one of thinking, 'just file already!'

[jennaleigh23]

The laws in your state may vary but I know I had all intention of trying to keep my ex away and to have him file for his own rights but when he started harassing me and my friends with phone calls texts and emails I had literally no one (police officers, social workers, lawyers or family services) on my side because I was acknowledging him as the bio dad, he had rights to see his son.

They dropped the charges impressed because a bio dad has the right to inquire about his kid (even harassingly) and that I could actually be charged for keeping my son away from him.

So we are moving forward with mediation even though he hasn't seen his son in three weeks and hasn't even asked about him. I'm seeking sole custody but he is trying to have my son live with him half the time. My suspicion is that he doesn't want the responsibility but that he will use my son to control me the rest of his life.

So I just worry for you that if his harassment escalates, authorities would be hesitant to get involved (without direct threats to you or your child) since he is the bio dad and custody has never been settled. They much prefer a clean outline where if you had sole custody and he was harassing you they would be much more inclined to take action.

That's just from my personal experience in Ontario. Even though I have filed a police report and have an active file with family services, at least my allegations are documented in case of future altercations.

Plus it must be stressful having it over your head that he could change his mind and just try and walk back into her life isn't it? Have you tried suggesting mediation with him first? lolo918

[lolo918]

jennaleigh23, it is stressful that he could just waltz back in. I can't say I definitely want to keep him away from DD but I also don't think he would be role model for her. I am not sure I could bring up mediation successfully without starting an argument at this point or having him accuse me of trying to play the victim again.

I did look over all of the paperwork that I have and thought through the conversation I had with one of the employees in the court system that I would file my paperwork in, along with what I found when I was looking into how this all worked. From what I understood, everything has to start with determining paternity here. On the back of the voluntary paternity paperwork for my state it had a statement that he didn't have to sign that particular paper- he could consult a lawyer first, request a blood test, or request that the court determine paternity. It also said that after paternity was established father would be responsible for child support until child was 18, and that he could request visitation and file for custody. Another clarification was that custody and visitatation were decided in separate legal actions from determining paternity and child support. To have the courts decide it's a $12 filing fee for paternity testing plus any other applicable fees. Filing for custody/visitation at the same time is a $25 fee, but filing for each separately it is $25 each.

The court personnel I spoke with when picking up the paperwork for filing for custody did say that until a court decided custody situation was figured out we had equal rights, but we still had to file any paperwork separately. So I could file for custody for myself and he still would need to file for himself was what my understanding was.

I think though, that you're right and I need to at least set up a consultation with a lawyer to help things go smoother. I can work out a visitation schedule to file at the same time as my custody filing. I could also see about what the best way to announce the custody hearing would be.