Technology and relationships

[kendy20]

So does anyone feel like the use of technology interferes with your relationships? DH Thinks that we need to get basic phones, he actually wants us to share one cell phone and then get a home phone. He feels like it's causing communication problems and wants us to cut back on phones, tablet and lap top time. I get that sometimes we get consumed in our phones or whatever it may be, but that's just the times we live in. Everything revolves around technology. But just wanting to see what everyone else thinks about the effect technology has or had on any of your relationships.

[athn64]

DH sells cell phones, so .... no cutting back here. I do agree with spend a lot of time on our devices. But We're both introverts and get a lot out of quietly sitting. We do make sure to take some screen free time with each other though.

[Deleted]

Omg yes! Neither of us are on Facebook or anything, but the two of us are constantly on our phones. DH is looking at shoes or guns, ya know man stuff. And I'm probing or on Instagram. We get in fights about it weekly.

[aimeefarrahfowler]

MH keeps saying we should get rid of our smartphones and I'm like

Every night when the kids go to bed, H has the tablet, I have the laptop and we sit in front of the TV together. It's kinda sad, actually, but I'm not really sure what we'd be doing otherwise...

[ho11yday]

Technology can get in the way of your relationship if you let it. I need to work on being less distant (and absorbed into my phone); but often times, it is the only private time I get (to read the news or a book). My thing is, I remember my dad reading the newspaper every morning for an hour. How is me reading my phone (twitter, instagram, facebook, i.e. the news) for an hour any different? Or my mom reading a book for an hour (once again, any different than reading on a tablet).

And to get rid of your phone for a house phone? eh...crazy. How do you silence that thing when baby is sleeping?

[Susan0utLoud]

We put our phones with our keys in a tray by the front door. We do leave the ringers on because we don't have a land line. We usually end up with them by the end of the night, but at least we are trying.

[kendy20]

Jan 28, 2015 1:31:13 GMT -5 Susan0utLoud said:

We put our phones with our keys in a tray by the front door. We do leave the ringers on because we don't have a land line. We usually end up with them by the end of the night, but at least we are trying.

I suggested doing this instead of the whole landline option.

He's also suggesting that we don't text while he's at work. That way when he gets home we have more to talk about and he says "absense makes the heart grow fonder" he's being a little crazy, I get where he's coming from though. But thanks ladies for your input :-)

[scout251]

I'm pretty sure DH wants to throw my phone in the ocean or something. He hates when I sit on my phone at night when DD goes to bed & I am definitely not doing a good enough job at trying to minimize this.

[ricola0522]

Technology has definitely caused issues in our relationship in the past. We came to an agreement that we would not use our phones or iPads during mealtimes. It would piss me off to no end when we would sit down for dinner and DH would have his head stuck in his iPad leaving me to eat in silence. Since putting our phones/iPads away our communication has greatly improved.

Maybe you could suggest something similiar, it would allow you more time to connect without doing away with technology completely.

[birdhut]

I am always thinking maybe I should put my phone down and cuddle but then I never do. It's mostly me because we watch tv together at night and he doesn't multi task very well so he isn't really on his. I've just gotten in the habit of being on the computer when I taught because I would be doing school stuff while we watched tv and now I am on my phone or iPad.

[Deleted]

I would be happy without the internet most of the time. It's an unhealthy distraction from reality and living in the moment. If we are more concerned with posting to an audience about or every waking move then how can we be sure our actions are at all genuine?

That being said, it's hard to eliminate the ultimate time filler. I've uninstalled Instagram from my phone and only check posts on the web sometimes. I've also reduced posting shit on Facebook.. Because it is shit.

There's a great article in real simple this month about how boredom leads to greater creativity in both children and adults.. Goaling myself to be more creative.

In regards to my marriage.. I hate technology. If you are texting and chatting and instagramming your every move.. What will you ever have to talk about? Nothing. DH was really bad about just zoning out on his computer and phone when he got home. Even if we were watching a show together. It drives me crazy. Ignoring me - ignoring our activity. So while I was pregnant I made a big deal about it and now he waits til I go to bed til he digs into tech k hole. We get along much better with our "quality" tv time making fun of shows together.

Edit: auto corrected Goaling to gosling? Lol

[ksyknelvr73]

We don't have a set of rules necessarily at this point, but I think we will have one as our children get older - b/c yes, this has been an issue for us as well. Right now I feel like we are pretty balanced, but we have gone through periods where we barely talked to each other b/c we were occupied with phones, computer, etc.

We do both have smart phones, but we have one tablet and we reserve that only for letting our older son play games when we really need him to be occupied, neither of us ever use it.

We have a rule of no phones (or any technology) at the dinner table. We will absolutely be keeping that in place not only for ourselves, but as the kiddos grow up as well.

Once the boys go to bed, we typically figure out whether we're going to watch a movie, work out, or just have "down time" separate from each other (which usually involves just looking at stuff on our phones), and if we feel our relationship is getting neglected or we're not talking enough or spending enough quality time together, we just bring it up and try to balance it out.

[haykay13]

I think it can definitely become a problem. DH was just commenting last night that I spend too much time on my phone (ugh you were watching a show I don't like!! Haha)
He isn't as attached to his phone as I am and somehow hasn't been sucked into the mindless addiction of refreshing Facebook to see if someone actually posted something interesting.

We do have a no phones rule during dinner, while any of "our" shows and once we're in bed. We never really sat down & decided that would be a rule it just kind of happened and now we both enforce it if we see the other one checking their phone during one of those times.

[becole]

How can I probe if I get off my phone?? Seriously though, I'm not on much in the evenings and weekends- I just check in every once in a while. So that helps.

[mary97]

We definitely spend a little too much time using our phones for games as down time at night. DH is the worse, he was so addicted to Candy Crush he beat the game around Christmas. He'd play the game any chance he got, I've even had to get on him for busting out the phone while waiting for our dinner to arrive at restaurants. If we aren't watching one of our shows, we are both on the stupid phones playing. We use to play a card game all the time, I think I need to find it and have it at the ready when we got nothing else going on in the evening.

[jcrewgirl]

One of my goals of 2015 was to be more present in the moment. One way in which I'm doing that is as soon as I pick up DD from DC and get home, my phone stays in my purse until she is in bed. That hour is family time and I don't want to be distracted. Whatever is happening on here or Instagram, etc. can wait an hour. I unlinked my work email to my phone so I'm not bothered by it when I'm not at the office. It can wait.

As far as it being an issue with DH - yes, sometimes. There's been times where I've looked up, we're both on our iPhones and the TV is also on. It's almost embarassing. We try and do a random night of cards or something w/o a screen, but I usually get on my phone before I go to bed. What really makes me nervous is that DD is obsessed with my phone and that is the first object she crawled after.

[microworm]

Jan 28, 2015 7:41:45 GMT -5 ricola0522 said:

Technology has definitely caused issues in our relationship in the past. We came to an agreement that we would not use our phones or iPads during mealtimes. It would piss me off to no end when we would sit down for dinner and DH would have his head stuck in his iPad leaving me to eat in silence. Since putting our phones/iPads away our communication has greatly improved.

Maybe you could suggest something similiar, it would allow you more time to connect without doing away with technology completely.

This topic has come up a lot in our house since the baby arrived and especially now that DS is eating solids and eats meals with us. It irritates me so much and I really want to set a good example for DS. I am trying to get DH to agree to put his phone somewhere else during dinner. If it were up to him, he would have his face stuck in his phone all night. He tells me he doesn't like to talk during dinner, that it's a time for eating not talking. I mention that he doesn't have his phone out when we go to dinner at his parent's house - he says that's different. But I see it as rude no matter what.

He has gotten better...I usually just have to give him the stink eye and he puts his phone in his pocket but I would prefer if it were in another room entirely. I don't think it is too much to ask! Otherwise DS is just going to remember his father with his neck bent forward and the glow of a screen on his face.

[microworm]

Jan 28, 2015 8:41:11 GMT -5 jcrewgirl said:

One of my goals of 2015 was to be more present in the moment. One way in which I'm doing that is as soon as I pick up DD from DC and get home, my phone stays in my purse until she is in bed. That hour is family time and I don't want to be distracted. Whatever is happening on here or Instagram, etc. can wait an hour. I unlinked my work email to my phone so I'm not bothered by it when I'm not at the office. It can wait.

As far as it being an issue with DH - yes, sometimes. There's been times where I've looked up, we're both on our iPhones and the TV is also on. It's almost embarassing. We try and do a random night of cards or something w/o a screen, but I usually get on my phone before I go to bed. What really makes me nervous is that DD is obsessed with my phone and that is the first object she crawled after.

Yes! Our phones were also the first object DS crawled to. It makes me sad to think that he probably sees phones as something really important because they are always in our hands or nearby.

[jerssey]

Jan 28, 2015 1:00:18 GMT -5 aimeefarrahfowler said:

MH keeps saying we should get rid of our smartphones and I'm like

Every night when the kids go to bed, H has the tablet, I have the laptop and we sit in front of the TV together. It's kinda sad, actually, but I'm not really sure what we'd be doing otherwise...

This is the same for us.

[mary97]

Jan 28, 2015 8:49:38 GMT -5 microworm said:

Jan 28, 2015 8:41:11 GMT -5 jcrewgirl said:

Yes! Our phones were also the first object DS crawled to. It makes me sad to think that he probably sees phones as something really important because they are always in our hands or nearby.

Is it bad that I was starting to think of putting my phone on floor as a means to entice DD to start crawling since she's always trying to grab the phone whether it's in my hand or not?

I'm thinking it's time to put the phone away at night.

[ricola0522]

Jan 28, 2015 8:46:22 GMT -5 microworm said:

Jan 28, 2015 7:41:45 GMT -5 ricola0522 said:

Technology has definitely caused issues in our relationship in the past. We came to an agreement that we would not use our phones or iPads during mealtimes. It would piss me off to no end when we would sit down for dinner and DH would have his head stuck in his iPad leaving me to eat in silence. Since putting our phones/iPads away our communication has greatly improved.

Maybe you could suggest something similiar, it would allow you more time to connect without doing away with technology completely.

This topic has come up a lot in our house since the baby arrived and especially now that DS is eating solids and eats meals with us. It irritates me so much and I really want to set a good example for DS. I am trying to get DH to agree to put his phone somewhere else during dinner. If it were up to him, he would have his face stuck in his phone all night. He tells me he doesn't like to talk during dinner, that it's a time for eating not talking. I mention that he doesn't have his phone out when we go to dinner at his parent's house - he says that's different. But I see it as rude no matter what.

He has gotten better...I usually just have to give him the stink eye and he puts his phone in his pocket but I would prefer if it were in another room entirely. I don't think it is too much to ask! Otherwise DS is just going to remember his father with his neck bent forward and the glow of a screen on his face.

DH and I have had this same conversation! I was able to sway him to lose the phone and iPad by bringing DS into the equation. Once he realized that he was modeling behavior for DS (and how frustrating it is when trying to feed him and his attention is anywhere but on the food) he started to get it. It might have been wrong but I also turned the tables on him a couple of times when I knew DS was extra cranky and distracted at the table. I would get my phone out and start looking at it, leaving DH to deal with DS by himself. He quickly got the hint.

[becole]

Jan 28, 2015 8:53:14 GMT -5 mary97 said:

Jan 28, 2015 8:49:38 GMT -5 microworm said:

Yes! Our phones were also the first object DS crawled to. It makes me sad to think that he probably sees phones as something really important because they are always in our hands or nearby.

Is it bad that I was starting to think of putting my phone on floor as a means to entice DD to start crawling since she's always trying to grab the phone whether it's in my hand or not?

I'm thinking it's time to put the phone away at night.

I think of my smartphone as a small computer. I don't mind if my child explores on it, because frankly, he'll need to be more computer savvy than probably any other savvy in his time.

[microworm]

Jan 28, 2015 8:53:14 GMT -5 mary97 said:

Jan 28, 2015 8:49:38 GMT -5 microworm said:

Yes! Our phones were also the first object DS crawled to. It makes me sad to think that he probably sees phones as something really important because they are always in our hands or nearby.

Is it bad that I was starting to think of putting my phone on floor as a means to entice DD to start crawling since she's always trying to grab the phone whether it's in my hand or not?

I'm thinking it's time to put the phone away at night.

I have used it to entice DS to crawl, but then he'll put it in his mouth when he gets it so no more of that!

[kendy20]

We bought some board games and cards to try to spend more time together for after we put DD to bed. That lasted about a week or so. But kinda glad we aren't the only ones going through something like this. I don't mind putting my phone away until bed time when we are all home together. I had to call DH out on his use because he tends to be on his phone while "playing" with DD. He didn't seem to notice himself doing it, just paid attention to when I do. Two way street buddy!

[tiffbabey]

Technology has always been a huge issue in our relationship. My husband is a huge techie and often becomes obsessed with a game or app. We both have iPhones and iPads. We are on them way too much! It comes to the point where we ignore each other and don't talk enough. Right now we are trying to make a conscious effort to improve our marriage and communication but technology will probably always be an obstacle.

[kc83]

My DH thinks I'm on mine a lot and that I should just get rid of it. I make it a priority to not be on it unless LO is sleeping or DH is doing something with him. My life is on this phone... Sad but true.

[lecky11]

DH is worse about this than me as I'm not a technology/gadget person. He's always on the phone or tablet. He got me a kindle fire for xmas & he is amazed that the only thing I do with it is read books. He always tells me you know it's a tablet, right? We also have a no phones policy while at the dinner table. My biggest issue though is the ps4. He'll play for hours every night.

[Deleted]

I had a big conversation w/ my dad when he was visiting before xmas about how tethered to technology we are, especially w/ connectivity to our jobs and social media.. and it is really reducing the ability to enjoy life, as it is in front of you.

When I was landing back in Atlanta on Sunday night, we were passing through a few light layers of clouds while the sun was setting in the distance. It was really beautiful seeing the light, feathery clouds streak by with the orange and red sun piercing through. I didn't take a picture. I didn't post it to the internet. Instead I was able to thoroughly enjoy the beauty of that one little perfect moment.

I want that to stand out to remind me to put my dumb phone down when ds is climbing, crawling, dancing, rolling, and tugging at my face while smiling and laughing. I want to really enjoy sitting on the couch with my husband at night, with my legs thrown across his, enjoying a glass of wine while we laugh at whatever stupid crap is on tv. All of these things get lost in constant connectivity.. I would hate to reach the end of my life and have my greatest memories be of "likes" on facebook and big internet fights.

[kendy20]

Jan 28, 2015 11:14:49 GMT -5 @bunannie said:

I had a big conversation w/ my dad when he was visiting before xmas about how tethered to technology we are, especially w/ connectivity to our jobs and social media.. and it is really reducing the ability to enjoy life, as it is in front of you.

When I was landing back in Atlanta on Sunday night, we were passing through a few light layers of clouds while the sun was setting in the distance. It was really beautiful seeing the light, feathery clouds streak by with the orange and red sun piercing through. I didn't take a picture. I didn't post it to the internet. Instead I was able to thoroughly enjoy the beauty of that one little perfect moment.

I want that to stand out to remind me to put my dumb phone down when ds is climbing, crawling, dancing, rolling, and tugging at my face while smiling and laughing. I want to really enjoy sitting on the couch with my husband at night, with my legs thrown across his, enjoying a glass of wine while we laugh at whatever stupid crap is on tv. All of these things get lost in constant connectivity.. I would hate to reach the end of my life and have my greatest memories be of "likes" on facebook and big internet fights.

This is exactly what DH and I are trying to do. I tend to grab my phone when DD is doing something cute or new and DH says we really need to just make these memories with ourselves and not the rest of the world. Which is so true!

[Deleted]

Technology is absolutely getting in the way of healthy relationships.

DH and I refuse to get FB accounts or any other social media accounts. Whenever we are on our phones it's for calls, text, or news.

One thing that keeps me from getting too into my phone is that SIL is on her phone 24/7 and pretty much ignores niece. If niece wants something, SIL tells her to ask grandma or grandpa.

I do not want to be that kind of mother. I want to enjoy the time I have with my son and build good memories.
I also want a strong marriage, so anytime we have to be with each other we really limit our technology.

I will say that I've grown apart from several friends because I do not have facebook and this is their prime method of communication.
It's really been an eye opener as to who my true friends are.

Seriously, what the hell happened to a phone call to say 'hi' or going out to coffee to catch up?
Human contact is healthy and good for you.

I could go on and on about technology today and how it's ruining the human experience... but I have to get back to work... in my IT job... hahaha