Hi... I'm a wreck... And I'm new...

[deannak317]

So I stumbled here from the bump... Hoping that all of the great folks that left, may be able to to give me some guidance or just understanding... 

I'm tough as nails, this isn't me... I'm so lost, and there is so much going on around me, I just want to crawl in a hole or a cave and press the fast forward button... 

I'm 38, my hubby is 36. We have been together 10 years, married for 7... We have been trying to get pregnant for 4 years... Hubby has low sperm count, plus low mobility and low morphology... We "thought" I was normal... Well who knows what normal is anyways... After discovering hubby's issues, we did 5 IUI's, 3 were medicated... No BFP.. Then fertility Dr did a scope and I had all kinds of stuff going on... He fixed me up and said he was confident we would get pregnant within a year. Well it was hard to believe that considering the RE, said that with my hubby's issues we would never get pregnant on our own... We finally begin to accept that we will not have children and the day before Christmas Eve, I find out I am pregnant! With my husbands birthday on Christmas Eve, we were over the moon... Like a fairy tale! It couldn't have been more perfect... Until last week, second ultrasound, no heartbeat... Baby measured 8 weeks, when it was 8 weeks +4... We are devastated...

I was on progesterone suppositories... I chose to miscarry naturally... I just started a brown discharge yesterday... I am hoping this process starts soon... Any advice or information... Anything, I feel lost... Like it was a sick joke... 

My Mother had back surgery yesterday and is recovering here at my house... I feel so angry and am trying to do my best to take care of her.... I feel so selfish... And emotional... You never know how badly you want something until it is taken away from you.... 

[emmylo413]

First of all, I am so very sorry for your loss. Everything you are feeling is completely normal. Do not feel selfish at all. This is a loss and you have every right to feel it. Is there anyone who can help you care for your mom at this time so that you can have some time for yourself? We're here for you.

[deannak317]

Unfortunately, no... I am the only one that can take care of her at this time... And she knows what is happening, and she has miscarried herself... But it is almost like everyone wants to help and there is nothing anyone can do... And this is why I want silence and to be alone... No one can fix me... And then on the other hand, I think maybe it is a good thing... I don't know... I feel like an indecisive idiot... I find myself searching for all of your stories, something to relate to... Learning more about chromosomal abnormalities and mc statistics... I am so wrapped up in it...

[nikolie93]

Hey hon, I'm so sorry for your loss. So many *hugs* to you.

It's such a hard thing to go through, especially when you've been trying for long.

Please don't think you're being selfish. It's hard enough as it is, never mind having to care for someone else during the ordeal.

I'm not typically one that likes to be alone but during my MC's I found many time I just wanted to be by myself. Sometimes it's needed and I wish you had someone to help with your mom so you could have that time.

Like I always say, I really wish I had magic words to make things better for you. Just know we are here for you and we understand what you're going through.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Ann612]

Jan 28, 2015 19:21:33 GMT -5 deannak317 said:

So I stumbled here from the bump... Hoping that all of the great folks that left, may be able to to give me some guidance or just understanding... 

I'm tough as nails, this isn't me... I'm so lost, and there is so much going on around me, I just want to crawl in a hole or a cave and press the fast forward button... 

I'm 38, my hubby is 36. We have been together 10 years, married for 7... We have been trying to get pregnant for 4 years... Hubby has low sperm count, plus low mobility and low morphology... We "thought" I was normal... Well who knows what normal is anyways... After discovering hubby's issues, we did 5 IUI's, 3 were medicated... No BFP.. Then fertility Dr did a scope and I had all kinds of stuff going on... He fixed me up and said he was confident we would get pregnant within a year. Well it was hard to believe that considering the RE, said that with my hubby's issues we would never get pregnant on our own... We finally begin to accept that we will not have children and the day before Christmas Eve, I find out I am pregnant! With my husbands birthday on Christmas Eve, we were over the moon... Like a fairy tale! It couldn't have been more perfect... Until last week, second ultrasound, no heartbeat... Baby measured 8 weeks, when it was 8 weeks +4... We are devastated...

I was on progesterone suppositories... I chose to miscarry naturally... I just started a brown discharge yesterday... I am hoping this process starts soon... Any advice or information... Anything, I feel lost... Like it was a sick joke... 

My Mother had back surgery yesterday and is recovering here at my house... I feel so angry and am trying to do my best to take care of her.... I feel so selfish... And emotional... You never know how badly you want something until it is taken away from you.... 

Yes and yes.  I am so sorry for your loss.  I feel much of the same way - like it's even harder now because I got to experience the joy for a month.  

I would encourage you to give into that selfishness a bit.  Your body is going through a lot both physically and mentally.  You need to allow yourself to rely on others, to cry when you need to, and do whatever it is you feel like doing at any given moment for a bit.  

I'm glad you found us and we are here whenever you need us.  

[cabgirl]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Please don't feel like you're being selfish. I'm waiting to miscarry right now after a blighted ovum was discovered at 6w, and there's absolutely no way I could put my feelings aside and take care of someone else right now. I'm a wreck, too, and I don't feel like there's anything wrong with that. It's heartbreaking to have a dream come true, only to be taken away. Go easy on yourself, because there is nothing selfish or wrong about what you're feeling. I'm wishing you peace and comfort during this time.

[gidgetgirl08]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[crmhoney]

I am so so so sorry! ((HUGS)) You are exactly in my same position after my first m/c @ 9wks. I also chose to go naturally. I don't want to worry you, but my first m/c was very painful. it was very much like a "mini-labor". Contractions/cramps culminating in finally passing the intact sac (the most painful part) into the toilet. Your sac might not be intact, so hopefully it will be easier than mine. I was on the phone with the on-call doctor several times debating if I should go to the emergency room. He told me that if blood was pouring out of me (like an open wound) to go, but otherwise it is just the natural process of the placenta and sac passing through the cervix. I hate to scare you, but no body warned me and I was terrified. Had I known the pain was part of the process I would have been wayyyyy more relaxed and known it was all normal. Having your MIL there is rough. Can DH come home and help out?! I too felt like it was a horrible cosmic joke the world was playing on me. I just wanted to hide. On the flip side of the coin, my 2 other m/c's were totally painless. One was a CP so it was a heavy period and my last one which was 6wks along was a total shock..I got up to pee in the morning and it just happened. No warning. No pain.

You are not alone. You will heal and keep truckin' on. Be kind to yourself in the next few weeks. You will go through all the stages of grief. You will cry (a lot) at random times and thats ok. You will be so Friggin' angry you want to kick a wall. This is all okay and normal. and I promise PROMISE you, you will emerge from the dark tunnel into the sunlight and days will get easier, you will think about it less and less although always keeping a small place in your heart for that little baby. If you need anything I am here.

[ihatepizza]

Sorry for your loss, the universe really sucks sometimes. I wish I had a magic wand so that it could be easier for you or so that no one has to go through this ever again. I second what other posters have said in letting yourself be sad and angry and selfish(which is not selfish) as long as you need to be... There is no expiration on grief

[octoberstars]

I'm so so sorry you are going through this. I miscarried naturally around the same timeframe and it was ok physically, just more cramping than a regular period.

I totally relate to wanting to gather data to find some kind of explanation for this shit. I read a book on miscarriage after my first loss and it at least have me something to do instead of googling all day. It's amazing how little information there is out there on loss.

I feel for you that you have to take care of your mom when you really need to take care of yourself. I lost my uncle between both of my losses, so I had to deal with emotionally supporting my family while internally dealing with my own heartbreak. It's so hard supporting someone else when it feels like you are an empty shell with nothing to give, especially when you are used to being the emotional rock in the family. I don't know that I have much advice, but you are definitely not alone. Hang in there. This super tough period will pass.

[rosetyler72]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is so awful to have that joy for such a short time and then have your hopes dashed so quickly. Please be kind to yourself. I know you have to help your mom right now, but try to take care of your needs too. You are going through a lot emotionally and physically, it takes a toll on you. If you need to be alone or at least have some quiet time to yourself then do it. I'm sure your mom will understand. Also, we are here for you if you need to vent!
Lots of hugs to you!

[ronniesgirl]

I'm oiled have written most of that.

We had a surprise BFP in between IVFs and after being told we should use donor eggs. And it was identical twins. We felt as though this was the universe's great plan after all and that it was totally meant to be. We announced on Christmas Day after learning both babies had heartbeats the week prior. The day after Christmas it was all taken away.

It sucks. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me and no one understands. No one gets your need for privacy. But I assure you that you are totally normal and you will work through this. The best piece of advice I read was that grief is a spiral, not a straight line. You'll move forward and then regress a little. But none of it can happen until you actually miscarry.

We are all here if you need to talk or vent. Feel free to message me. I'm sending hugs and prayers your way.

[adorebel]

Jan 28, 2015 21:26:20 GMT -5 nikolie93 said:

Hey hon, I'm so sorry for your loss. So many *hugs* to you.

It's such a hard thing to go through, especially when you've been trying for long.

Please don't think you're being selfish. It's hard enough as it is, never mind having to care for someone else during the ordeal.

I'm not typically one that likes to be alone but during my MC's I found many time I just wanted to be by myself. Sometimes it's needed and I wish you had someone to help with your mom so you could have that time.

Like I always say, I really wish I had magic words to make things better for you. Just know we are here for you and we understand what you're going through.

This. I'm extremely extroverted and usually go to my H, mom, and friends to "talk out" all my problems. After my surgery, there were times I just randomly started crying or had to be alone. I didn't truly cope with it by communicating to others until at least a month had passed. Understand that this is an unprecedented type of loss in your life. Any way you choose to/ need to grieve is okay. Let yourself do and feel what's right for you. I'm sorry for your loss.

[deannak317]

Thank you all for your kind words! After 10 long dark days I miscarried naturally. I would like to share my story in the other miscarriage forum, in hopes I can help someone else. I am mentally and physically in a much better place... Heaven has another piece of my heart...

[emmylo413]

I am so glad you are doing better! Keep taking it as easy as you can and give yourself time.

[nikolie93]

I am so glad you're past it and you can start moving forward *hug*