It's gonna be MAY! Check in

[becwheat]

Happy May! I am gonna try to get the board moving a little... So let's try checking in at least weekly.

How is/are LO(s)?:

Something Positive:

Goals:

Vents:

Questions for the group?:

[becwheat]

How are LOs?: they are doing alright. Mags has another cardio appt this month, so we are hoping to see improvement in her mitral valve.

Something Positive: we moved into our farm and it is so peaceful outside the city!

Goals: this week I am going to cook at home 4 or more nights and pack lunch twice.

Vents: I wanted to get my garden started today, but it has been raining all weekend. Boo!!!

Questions for the group?: not today

[fireflycaptain]

How is/are LO(s)?:He's good. He is picking up all the family sass lately and its been so much fun to trade sassy comments on stuff.

Something Positive:I'm finally going to transfer to an actual university. I should have been graduating this Spring but college with a kid is tougher than I thought it'd be.

Goals: Get the garden finished and post more on here.

Vents: M has been hardcore asking about his dad the past few days. I found out he asked my mom about him and she went off book from what I had been planning on saying if/when he asked. Now he wants to know why his dad was here when he was a baby but left and if his dad doesn't like him. I'm mad at both my ex and my mother.

Questions for the group?: How do you handle questions about why a parent leaves and never comes back? Why did my kid jump straight to assuming it was his fault? He's only four.

[becwheat]

May 3, 2016 10:07:34 GMT -5 fireflycaptain said:

Questions for the group?: How do you handle questions about why a parent leaves and never comes back? Why did my kid jump straight to assuming it was his fault? He's only four.

I always honest, yet age appropriate.

"Some people do not want to be parents and it is never the kids fault. I can never understand why anyone would leave you cause you are the best thing in my life."

He is four, but his response is very normal. Most kids will believe it is their fault at one point. Just make you always remind him that he is awesome. It will tear at your heart when these moments come up

[freezorburn]

How is/are LO(s)?: DS is doing well. We had his eval with the school district and they recommended social skills group. Don't know if we will get him in before the end of the school year, so we are concentrating on getting something for the summer, then seeing if we can get him into an afternoon group on top of his regular preschool.

Something Positive: DS's dad has been doing a great job with our visitation schedule. We still have some bumps here and there when it comes to scheduling, but overall he has been very consistent and DS has been doing much better as a result.

Goals: Trying to get my garden planted, and still excavating my home office. Setting up a craft space in the former man-cave, that will also double as guest quarters.

Vents: Sometimes I wish there were 2 or 3 of me, to get everything done around the house and also keep DS entertained ... without a screen.

Questions for the group?: Does anyone else ever feel like they are the wallpaper in their kids' life? Like DS ignores me unless he needs/wants something. I'm finding it pretty challenging to engage him for extended periods of time ... and then he falls back on wanting to watch videos or play games on his kindle. And then I use that time to cook or clean or organize, which is nice to have those things done, but then I feel bad that he is interacting with a machine rather than a live person. Or, better yet, playing independently with something that would be better for his cognitive development, like legos or play doh or something.

[freezorburn]

Oh, and:

YAY to our board for avoiding the chopping block!

[ontherock2012]

How is/are LO(s)?:
4 is a challenge. This kid is bossy. My sister says that DD is like the old Nuns who taught in Catholic school when we were kids.
She's great though. Growing so big, just shy of 4ft tall.

Something Positive:
DD registers for kindergarten in a couple of weeks. I'm excited and a little scared. Where did my baby go?

Goals:
Lately, just survival. I've been miserable sick and had to call my mom and sister to look after DD. I don't feel like death today, so things are looking up.

Vents:
Too many to count today. I'm sick and cranky, the world pisses me off today.

Questions for the group?
How do you make time for yourself? I'm DD's only parent. My parents try to take her for a night every 6 weeks or so, but not during the winter. They live 2 hrs away.
I'm feeling so overwhelmed lately.( and now I'm rambling)

Now a vent: it's been a really long winter

[lolo918]

How is/are LO(s)?:
DD is doing well, growing like a weed and coming up on her first birthday.

Something Positive:
I will have kept DD alive for a whole year this month. I'm running on a more regular basis still and it feels very good. Finally DDs dad and I are still on good terms.

Goals:
Keep up the running and working out in general- it keeps me sane. DD cosleeps with me but is beginning to move around enough in her sleep that she's got to be transitioned to her crib.

Vents:
Time flies way too fast.


Questions for the group?:
None for now.

[freezorburn]

How do you make time for yourself?

I feel your pain. STBX really checked out for most of last year, to the extent that I think I got a taste of what it is like to be an only parent, minus the fact that he was still financing us so I didn't feel pressure to go back to work right away, and could focus on DS. It was a very exhausting time. I felt like I couldn't really take breaks, even when someone else was looking after DS, because I needed to take advantage of that time to do household management, budget, figure out my financial situation and start educating myself about the divorce process. I committed to doing Pilates twice a week, and that was probably the one place/time each week where I made myself clear my head and check all the parenting and divorce stress at the door. I think it would have been really challenging to carve out time to work out in a mindful way if I had been working last year.

The other thing that helped was that I hired a nanny to come one night per week beginning last September. Initially it was so that I could attend an Incredible Years class, but after the class was finished I kept her on so that I could have time to take care of the house and cook a proper meal, and then the three of us would have a proper sit-down dinner ... which more often than not, doesn't happen when it's just DS and me at home. In this respect she functioned more as a mother's helper -- I probably went out once a month for an early dinner with friends, or to attend a lecture. She is relocating, so I'm looking to pay more of a mother's helper rate for her replacement.

Our family lives far away too, and aren't really able to help on a regular basis. But I do try to take advantage of grandparent visits for me time.

I know some moms in my area do childcare swaps so that they can get breaks or get things done. I have a handful of friends who are available to babysit on occasion, but I have only used them when I am in a real bind.

[becwheat]

May 4, 2016 18:17:54 GMT -5 ontherock2012 said:

Questions for the group?
How do you make time for yourself? I'm DD's only parent. My parents try to take her for a night every 6 weeks or so, but not during the winter. They live 2 hrs away.
I'm feeling so overwhelmed lately.( and now I'm rambling)

Now a vent: it's been a really long winter

What time does DD go to bed? Are there any centers near you that do "drop off care" Basically baby sitting in a daycare-like setting for a couple hours? 

My suggestion is one of the following options. Find a trustworthy babysitting source (center, friend, licensed at home caregiver or look on the care sites that have background check done) and take2-3 hours to yourself. Go to target, sit in a park, go to a coffee shop and do nothing or maybe a movie! ANYTHING you want to do!

My other suggestion is take 45 mins- 1 hour after her bedtime and don't clean or do chores. Do something that is relaxing. Soak in bath, watch a show with curse words or write in a journal. This is what I did when it was just me and DD, when she was younger (under 2)

When she got to age 2 I joined a soccer team and found care for DD during games, so I could just be around adults. Some games the other players significant others would watch her if I did not have care for the night.

May 3, 2016 19:13:35 GMT -5 freezorburn said:

Questions for the group?: Does anyone else ever feel like they are the wallpaper in their kids' life? Like DS ignores me unless he needs/wants something. I'm finding it pretty challenging to engage him for extended periods of time ... and then he falls back on wanting to watch videos or play games on his kindle. And then I use that time to cook or clean or organize, which is nice to have those things done, but then I feel bad that he is interacting with a machine rather than a live person. Or, better yet, playing independently with something that would be better for his cognitive development, like legos or play doh or something.

DD gets to watch shows or play on the iPad for a bit each day. I am now starting to ask her to help me clean. She earns money for chores beyond her own (meaning she doesn't get paid to keep her room clean or rinse her dishes). this is actually decent interaction for us. We also read together each day.

That being said I am a big believer in being outside. Unless the weather is raging, I will sit on the deck and make her play outside. Then after she gets energy out she is in a much better mood.

[fireflycaptain]

May 3, 2016 16:58:53 GMT -5 becwheat said:

May 3, 2016 10:07:34 GMT -5 fireflycaptain said:

Questions for the group?: How do you handle questions about why a parent leaves and never comes back? Why did my kid jump straight to assuming it was his fault? He's only four.

I always honest, yet age appropriate.

"Some people do not want to be parents and it is never the kids fault. I can never understand why anyone would leave you cause you are the best thing in my life."

He is four, but his response is very normal. Most kids will believe it is their fault at one point. Just make you always remind him that he is awesome. It will tear at your heart when these moments come up

Thanks, that's similar to what I said. I also said that sometimes people have problems that keep them from being around even when they want to be.  His little face killed me but I think he's okay with my explanation for now.  

[fireflycaptain]

May 3, 2016 19:13:35 GMT -5 freezorburn said:

Vents: Sometimes I wish there were 2 or 3 of me, to get everything done around the house and also keep DS entertained ... without a screen.

Questions for the group?: Does anyone else ever feel like they are the wallpaper in their kids' life? Like DS ignores me unless he needs/wants something. I'm finding it pretty challenging to engage him for extended periods of time ... and then he falls back on wanting to watch videos or play games on his kindle. And then I use that time to cook or clean or organize, which is nice to have those things done, but then I feel bad that he is interacting with a machine rather than a live person. Or, better yet, playing independently with something that would be better for his cognitive development, like legos or play doh or something.

I was having similar problems and I felt awful. It was easier for me to distract him with cartoons/games than have him under foot. I started limiting his screen time and telling him to play with other toys or having him help me with stuff even though it took longer and was often frustrating. He would lose his mind in the first couple weeks when I started limiting screen time but he got over it and can self-entertain like a champ and also does his chores when I ask(as well as a 4 year-old can, anyway.)

I also agree with Becwheat, if you have a yard use it. I shove my kiddo out the back door now that we have a fence and watch/talk through the windows. And if you don't go for a walk before/after dinner. 

[jennaleigh23]

May 1, 2016 9:46:54 GMT -5 becwheat said:

Happy May! I am gonna try to get the board moving a little... So let's try checking in at least weekly.

How is/are LO(s)?:

Something Positive:

Goals:

Vents:

Questions for the group?:

How is LO? Growing like a weed! 10 months old this month. Pulling to stand and crawling all around.

Something positive: we are house hunting. It's really important for me that he feels like he has a home and not that he's a guest where he lives. I applied for an apartment and I'm just waiting to hear!

Vents: my ex has a new gf. I found out about her after she'd already met liam. So while my ex had a 3-4 month head start on adjusting. All of a sudden I find out she exists and she's suddenly at every exchange and is there for the entire length of all liams visits with his dad. She even drives ex to my house for exchanges. It was a hard couple weeks to adjust and I still don't like certain aspects (her posting pics of herself and Liam on social media) but I'm learning she's a good person for liam to have in his life. She's just young and in my opinion needs to reevaluate boundaries.

My question stems from this.. does anyone else see a problem with a father spending his only 6-10 hour visits per week with his gf of three months? In my head I think he should be able to separate the two and focus on his relationship with Liam.

I forgot my goal this month is to have all my paperwork in by June 1st for returning to school in the fall for my last year of college!

[freezorburn]

jennaleigh23, I can relate to how hard it is to have little say as to who LO is spending time with during dad's time. This is a big sticking point in our parenting plan negotiations, and progress is very slow. Likely I'm the one holding things up, but I feel that my concerns are valid and STBX has yet to address my concerns or make a case for how he wants things.

I have a friend who says she loves it when her X has a girlfriend ... because their son (I think he's 7) knows he can get them to make sandwich or help him get whatever he needs, vs. when his dad doesn't have a gf, then he has to fend for himself. It sounds like yours is a similar situation, where dad is lacking in some basic life skills. So maybe the presence of the gf is a good thing in terms of having a safety net and meeting basic needs.

The social media thing is tricky -- I feel like this is an evolving area of social etiquette, but that it is also quickly tilting towards, people should definitely ask before posting pictures of other people's kids. For security reasons, if nothing else. There's too much potential for creepy activity around posting photos of children in open forums. Hopefully it's something that can be resolved with a simple conversation. Like, "It's so heartwarming to see what an interest you've taken in Liam. He certainly seems to enjoy his time with you ... but I've been trying to keep his social media presence to a minimum because of XYZ ..) something like that.

As for whether Dad should be focusing his time on Liam? Well, yes, but sadly he hasn't demonstrated that he is able to do this without help. And part of being a parent is providing safe social situations for your kids. There are different ways that people define "safe." Perhaps this is not the healthiest social model that you would choose for Liam to be in. But, you have the rest of your time with him to model something healthier. It's hard to see them be in these confusing situations when they are so impressionable, but hopefully it gives them some tools for dealing with complicated situations later in life.

[jennaleigh23]

freezorburn you're right he's probably a better father or even person with her around I guess I just struggle with the idea that our son wasn't enough to make him want to step up but that this girl is.

I hope that Liam never feels second to her.

[freezorburn]

May 9, 2016 21:20:35 GMT -5 jennaleigh23 said:

freezorburn you're right he's probably a better father or even person with her around I guess I just struggle with the idea that our son wasn't enough to make him want to step up but that this girl is.

I hope that Liam never feels second to her.

... but it's too soon to tell if she's hanging around for the long term, right? 

I think there's another piece to this, and that's whether you feel you need something in your PP regarding when and how to introduce new SOs to Liam. I know some people address this in terms of how new a relationship is (at least six months seems to be pretty common) and whether or not SOs are allowed to be present during overnight visits. But I guess those are pretty extreme cases.

And yeah, I know what you mean about whether the child feels second to the adult relationship. I worry about that too.

[Deleted]

How is/are LO(s)?:
Good! DS is on the upswing. It was our alone night tonight, and a breath of fresh air for me and him to putter around and do his little things. A reminder that the days of just the 2 of us were both hard, and good. I love and miss sometimes the little routines of our life alone. He likes to set up "habitats" or environments for his dinosaurs and so on.... and as far as the "step kids?" or my SO's kids, they were here for an extended stretch, and things were pretty good. They are anxious types in general. Oldest took some positive steps and went on a bike ride with us leaving SO behind (shes 5)so progress.

Something Positive: SO finishes grad school THIS week. Last assignment turned in tonight. Im so happy for her and us. Its been a long haul

Goals: Enjoying the summer, and beginning to straighten out my personal finances.

Vents: SO's divorce is no further along... Mediation died on the table. Pre trial conference in 2 weeks. Im so glad I will never have to share custody.. I feel for you guys that struggle with this... but I feel my decision to have DS on my own was the right choice. I am in no rush to ever share that.. even with SO, who I love with all my heart. Made easier possibly by the fact that she has her own LO's. Its a slow process blending. And sometimes I wonder if I would bond faster if they were biologically SO's? Its hard to say. I care a great deal for them, but wonder if it will ever change to a real deep love, where I feel completely vested.

Questions for the group?:None really. I still feel in both camps, both a single mom. and a single mom blending with a single mom.

[helenahhandbasket]

Hi, I read some threads here from time to time, I hope it's ok if I jump in because I do have a question.

1. She's great! She's 4 and I'm really enjoying being her mom right now. Although she talks so much, it's all of the time. If she's awake, she's talking.

2. Positive- my divorce was finalized 4 weeks ago! Yeah! Also, my SO moved in this past month, so it's been great having him around so much.

3. Goals- I have some weight to drop, but that's an ongoing thing for me. Saving money is also another huge goal.

Vents- I don't have much right now

Question- to those who have been there, how did you go about introducing your SO to your ex? My ex and I co-parent (DD lives with me but he has her every other weekend) and are on friendly terms. He knows about my SO (we have been together now almost 2 years) and knows he just moved in. I have brought up them meeting before, but my ex said he wasn't ready. Should I wait for him to bring it up or should I suggest a meeting again?

[helenahhandbasket]

That sounds really hard ontherock2012. I am in awe of the only parents.

Is there any way you can hire a mother's helper an evening or two a week? I worked as one in highschool - the mom was at home and I wrangled her kids in the basement three nights a week while she was upstairs.

What about a Gymboree type of a place that might have evening weekend date night "drop offs"? The Gymboree by me has 2 nights a month- usually Saturdays - where you can drop your kid off at 6 and pick up anywhere from an hour to three hours later. You can go shopping, go to the gym, take a nap etc. Its pretty reasonably priced too.

[ontherock2012]

May 10, 2016 15:56:19 GMT -5 helenahhandbasket said:

That sounds really hard ontherock2012. I am in awe of the only parents.

Is there any way you can hire a mother's helper an evening or two a week? I worked as one in highschool - the mom was at home and I wrangled her kids in the basement three nights a week while she was upstairs.

What about a Gymboree type of a place that might have evening weekend date night "drop offs"? The Gymboree by me has 2 nights a month- usually Saturdays - where you can drop your kid off at 6 and pick up anywhere from an hour to three hours later. You can go shopping, go to the gym, take a nap etc. Its pretty reasonably priced too.

Thanks for the suggestions. I don't know of any after hours care, but I think I may talk to a couple of coworkers to check out a few teenage sitters. DDs never been with anyone other than my parents or sister.
I'm just really burned out right now. I've been sick on and off since last fall, plus a car accident...
Things have to start getting better, right?
becwheat you're right... Even an hour some days would be a luxury. I really have to make time for me, too.

[fireflycaptain]

May 10, 2016 15:49:08 GMT -5 helenahhandbasket said:

Question- to those who have been there, how did you go about introducing your SO to your ex? My ex and I co-parent (DD lives with me but he has her every other weekend) and are on friendly terms. He knows about my SO (we have been together now almost 2 years) and knows he just moved in. I have brought up them meeting before, but my ex said he wasn't ready. Should I wait for him to bring it up or should I suggest a meeting again?

Two years?! He doesn't want to meet the dude that is now living with his daughter? That is so weird. Could you just bring your SO to a pick-up/drop-off? I think that's how most people in amicable situations do it. 

[helenahhandbasket]

May 11, 2016 22:55:35 GMT -5 fireflycaptain said:

May 10, 2016 15:49:08 GMT -5 helenahhandbasket said:

Question- to those who have been there, how did you go about introducing your SO to your ex? My ex and I co-parent (DD lives with me but he has her every other weekend) and are on friendly terms. He knows about my SO (we have been together now almost 2 years) and knows he just moved in. I have brought up them meeting before, but my ex said he wasn't ready. Should I wait for him to bring it up or should I suggest a meeting again?

Two years?! He doesn't want to meet the dude that is now living with his daughter? That is so weird. Could you just bring your SO to a pick-up/drop-off? I think that's how most people in amicable situations do it. 

It's so weird. I've said that exact thing to him.

I guess I maybe could do that, but I don't want to force a meeting on my ex or catch him off guard.

[fireflycaptain]

May 11, 2016 23:33:53 GMT -5 helenahhandbasket said:

May 11, 2016 22:55:35 GMT -5 fireflycaptain said:

It's so weird. I've said that exact thing to him.

I guess I maybe could do that, but I don't want to force a meeting on my ex or catch him off guard.


    

Stuck in box


Definitely don't surprise him but maybe bring it up as an easy, and short, way to meet your SO. Maybe point out that it'd be super confusing to your DD that the two main men in her life have never met? Maybe he feels differently now that your divorce is finalized? 

I still can't get over not wanting to meet someone before they move in with your kid. lol My brother likes to meet his ex's new SOs as soon as possible and I'd be the same. 

[freezorburn]

May 10, 2016 15:49:08 GMT -5 helenahhandbasket said:

Question- to those who have been there, how did you go about introducing your SO to your ex? My ex and I co-parent (DD lives with me but he has her every other weekend) and are on friendly terms. He knows about my SO (we have been together now almost 2 years) and knows he just moved in. I have brought up them meeting before, but my ex said he wasn't ready. Should I wait for him to bring it up or should I suggest a meeting again?

This is a subject of on-going negotiation between me and STBX .... we are still in the process of working out the terms of our divorce. 

We've been working with a collaborative divorce coach, and every few months or so we come back to this topic, because we can't seem to reach an agreement on it. I can't really go into detail about my situation since we're still negotiating and you never know when things will go south, but I'll say that I'm in a place currently, where I don't want to meet STBX's affair partner. But the situation is different in that DS lives with me and so far STBX has respected my wishes to not introduce them. But he may want to in the future, and we are not yet sure how or when, or when any of us will be ready.

A book that the coach frequently recommends to me is The High Road has Less Traffic by Monique A. Honaman. It's very much about the emotional aspects of divorce, and for me some of it has been spot-on, and other parts have not quite meshed with my experience. The divorce coach really wanted me to read the part about where the author talks about meeting her XH's SO. And while I didn't identify with the specific situation in the book, or the author's emotions around her situation, it did help me to think about what I need in order to feel safe in preparing for DS having this other person in his life. And that is, that I need to feel reassured that STBX is not trying to replace me as DS's mother. And that his affair partner is also not trying to take my place as DS's mother, or work through her own personal baggage by playing house with my son. And these are not things that can be fixed with a few simple words. It's going to take time, and a rebuilding of trust. And because our coach is also a counselor, I'm able to talk about this with STBX in our sessions. 

All this to say, since I don't know anything about your situation, that introducing your SO to your ex hinges on your ex saying he isn't ready. If you both feel friendly, safe, and supported in your co-parenting relationship, are you able to ask him what he needs in order to feel ready? Is there anything that you can do to help? But at the same time, don't push him. It may be something he just needs to work through on his own.

[helenahhandbasket]

Thanks freezorburn and fireflycaptain