TTCAL Check In 5/3

[wannabmama]

Oh @samrs22 I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I don't know about your specific situation but Know that you're not alone having similar fears to some extent. Have you talked about your concerns with your doctor? Is your mood disorder or learning disability considered genetic in any way? Do you have a therapist? If you have a child, being aware of your concerns and having tools to work with them will help. Just the fact that you're concerned makes me think you'd be a great mom. Losses happen all the time, sadly, but I don't think they are a message from the universe about whether we should have kids. However, if you want to use this time to get your support system in place before you try again that might make you feel better in the long run. In the meantime, hugs...this stuff all just sucks.

[caer]

(((Hugs))) @samrs22. I'm going to ditto everything wannabmama said. Thinking of you and sending comfort and love.

[akraus2015]

May 5, 2016 6:16:14 GMT -5 @samrs22 said:

Just me and my thoughts on my one hour commute. I'm freaking out a little. I think I should never have kids. I don't want my kids to inherit my mood disorder or our learning disabilities. I don't want my kids to have difficult lives. I'm afraid I won't make healthy babies. I feel like my loss was the universe telling me not to have kids for this reason.

Sending you big hugs! I feel this way sometimes too, but I have to try and remember not to let my emotions take over and distort my reality. The truth is, you deserve to be a mother, and your concern, desire, preparation, grief over your loss, all these things just confirm that. PM me if you want to chat. Big hugs!!

[mosdub]

pinkcat I'm so glad you had an amazing time in Paris!!! I'm sorry you didn't get your bfp but hope the testing reveals some simple things you guys can do to improve your chances.

akraus2015 I hope so hard you'll get your bfp this weekend. I'll be thinking of you.

Rama I hope you and your SIL have a nice dinner together. The feels have a way of sneaking up and sneaking in. MH occasionally will say something about our loss babe and it always chokes me up too. I feel like it is on my mind more than it is on his. I don't think there has been a single day since the loss that I haven't reflected on it. Love to you this week and weekend Rama.

hydrangea1019 Sorry for CD1 and the emotions involved. I'm right there with you.

ellabee It's so hard to feel naively happy about another bfp

caer yay for being off the bench! We booked a trip to NYC after the loss - something I also wouldn't have been able to do had I been pregnant Looking back there was a cloud over every experience there. Not that the trip was spoiled but...yeah, they are just connected.

kayladawn91 I hope you won't need the RE. If you do, I hope the only interventions you will need are minor. Thinking of you.

notagoddess I would love a trip to Hawaii...ahhhhh Sorry you're having scheduling issues and the emotions tied into Mother's Day.

@samrs22 I've had those same thoughts and think wannabmama responded in the best way. Sending you all the love. I'm so sorry you got in an accident! I am glad you and everyone involved are safe. Is there someone you can talk to to help you sort through these complex emotions?

[akraus2015]

May 6, 2016 6:12:46 GMT -5 @samrs22 said:

mosdub thank you, I'm complicated I just need tomorrow to relax. I'll be better after sleeping in and spending the day with my H. We never see each other during the week since we are on different shifts. So I feel alone often for a married person. He is awesome and if I can talk to him I will be ok

I hope today is a better day for you. Thinking of you!!

[ellabee]

Thinking of you today doodler. ((Hugs)) and strength for your appointment!

[doodler]

OK ladies, good news! Everything(except for the unicornuate uterus that we found out about last week) came back normal! So basically at this point, the options are to keep TTC on our own, or do IVF with pre-genetic screening. On paper, doing the PGS would only increase our chances of a live birth by about 10%. At the end of the day, it would give us reassurance that we wouldn't have another loss due to a chromosomal issue but wouldn't guarantee that we wouldn't have another loss due to anything else.

So I think at this point we are going to hop up off the bench and give it another go naturally. I reserve the right to change my mind, lol, but for now we are at peace with this path.

I want to say thank you to all of you guys for walking through this journey with me. I know I'm about to hop back on the crazy train with TTC again, but these last few months have been just fucking awful and I wouldn't have made it through without your support. Love you ladies!!

[caer]

I'm happy to see your update doodler! It sounds like the appointment went as well as possible. Sending you all the good thoughts as you move forward.

[kayladawn91]

That's a good update doodler! GL moving forward, as always I have my FX for all the TTCAL ladies!!

[ellabee]

Yay doodler! I'm so happy to see your update. I'm glad everything else came back normal and that you have a definitive path forward.

[icedtea]

I've been in a not-great place, so I haven't been here much, but hugs to all who need them.

Good update doodler!

[hydrangea1019]

Happy Mother's Day, ladies. Sending lots of ((hugs)) today

[akraus2015]

May 8, 2016 11:55:46 GMT -5 hydrangea1019 said:

Happy Mother's Day, ladies. Sending lots of ((hugs)) today

Same to you, friend!!

[notagoddess]

Also sending much love to my TTCAL ladies today

[notagoddess]

doodler, so happy for the positive update!

[akraus2015]

You guys...I don't know how much longer I can do this. This mindfuck has taken over my life, the entire first year of my marriage, my interests and hobbies, my relationships, my happiness. I'm on the edge here....I just don't understand why all of this is happening while I'm surrounded by all my friends building beautiful families. Do I not deserve to be a mom? I feel like I've been sucked into a hole that I can't dig myself out of...

[mosdub]

I'm so so sorry akraus2015, it's just not fair. It has nothing to do with how good of a mother you would be - I promise. This happens to good people sometimes, and it feels so random and senseless. Know that you are not alone. Even when it feels like everyone around you is building families - you're not alone. You can vent and cry and let it all out here and we will get it.

So many hugs, so much love to you tonight. I'm so sorry for this mindfuck and I'm so mad this happened to you.

[akraus2015]

May 9, 2016 18:00:16 GMT -5 mosdub said:

I'm so so sorry akraus2015, it's just not fair. It has nothing to do with how good of a mother you would be - I promise. This happens to good people sometimes, and it feels so random and senseless. Know that you are not alone. Even when it feels like everyone around you is building families - you're not alone. You can vent and cry and let it all out here and we will get it.

So many hugs, so much love to you tonight. I'm so sorry for this mindfuck and I'm so mad this happened to you.

Thank you for your kind words. I just don't know what to do. I've never not been able to fix a problem in my life. If I want something, I just go make it happen. And this isn't happening for me. And it's tearing me apart as a person and as a wife. It's hard not being able to do anything about it.

[caer]

I'm just so, so sorry akraus2015. I hate this so much. It makes me want to break things for you and everyone else who is hurting because of this bullshit. I really agree with everything mosdub said. I hope you can find some comfort in the love and understanding of everyone here. All the (((hugs)))

[hydrangea1019]

akraus2015, I am so sorry! It's so frustrating to see people around starting and expanding their families while we struggle. I don't have any magic words to really help, but please know we are all here for you. We hear you, and we get you. This is a safe place for you to let out all of your frustrations.

Do you have people in your life that AREN'T TTC? I have found that surrounding myself with couples and/or women that are actively trying to NOT conceive, helps me. Some know that we are trying, but it's nice to build relationships on things other than TTC or kids or birthday parties, etc...

You can do this! You can get through this. This is a hurdle, but know we are right there beside you jumping these hurdles with you.

Take care of yourself ((hugs))

[akraus2015]

May 9, 2016 18:07:29 GMT -5 hydrangea1019 said:

akraus2015, I am so sorry! It's so frustrating to see people around starting and expanding their families while we struggle. I don't have any magic words to really help, but please know we are all here for you. We hear you, and we get you. This is a safe place for you to let out all of your frustrations.

Do you have people in your life that AREN'T TTC? I have found that surrounding myself with couples and/or women that are actively trying to NOT conceive, helps me. Some know that we are trying, but it's nice to build relationships on things other than TTC or kids or birthday parties, etc...

You can do this! You can get through this. This is a hurdle, but know we are right there beside you jumping these hurdles with you.

Take care of yourself ((hugs))

I honestly cannot think of even one friend who isn't either TTC, just had a brand new little squishy, or is wrangling a pack of toddlers. I thought that starting with Stella & Dot would help me make new friends, and it really did (they're all great!), but 80% of them are SAHMs. Where does one go to make friends who are 30somethings NOT trying for babies? (Serious question...no sarcasm intended.)

[hydrangea1019]

May 9, 2016 18:14:01 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

May 9, 2016 18:07:29 GMT -5 hydrangea1019 said:

akraus2015 , I am so sorry! It's so frustrating to see people around starting and expanding their families while we struggle. I don't have any magic words to really help, but please know we are all here for you. We hear you, and we get you. This is a safe place for you to let out all of your frustrations.

Do you have people in your life that AREN'T TTC? I have found that surrounding myself with couples and/or women that are actively trying to NOT conceive, helps me. Some know that we are trying, but it's nice to build relationships on things other than TTC or kids or birthday parties, etc...

You can do this! You can get through this. This is a hurdle, but know we are right there beside you jumping these hurdles with you.

Take care of yourself ((hugs))

I honestly cannot think of even one friend who isn't either TTC, just had a brand new little squishy, or is wrangling a pack of toddlers. I thought that starting with Stella & Dot would help me make new friends, and it really did (they're all great!), but 80% of them are SAHMs. Where does one go to make friends who are 30somethings NOT trying for babies? (Serious question...no sarcasm intended.)

no sarcasm received.  It's definitely hard, however we found a group at church that is married, with no children.  We attend a rather large church, so there is pretty much a group for everyone.  Our initial group we connected with, while I love them dearly, they all had their first and second kids together.  Literally, there are 3 other couples, all of the first born are born within 2 months of each other and the 2nd born are all born within 2 months of each other.  And then there is DH and I.  Childless.


Being in the new class has actually helped me out a lot.  DH and I are some of the youngest in the class, and it has opened my eyes a lot that we aren't the only couple in our age range (or even older) that does not have kids.

[kayladawn91]

I am so sorry akraus2015. Between Mothers Day yesterday and CD1 today I'm feeling extremely hopeless as well. Just know that you can come here and vent anytime and we'll understand. We're all going through similar struggles. We understand and we'll never judge you for the emotions you're feeling. I really wish we were all IRL friends so we could be there for each other!

[notagoddess]

I'm so upset this happened to you, akraus2015. I can't imagine the roller coaster of emotions you must have experienced today. You really sound like you'd be a wonderful mother and not being able to become one is incredibly unfair. I hate this for you.

You can count on our support and understanding. Take care of yourself tonight

[wannabmama]

akraus2015 I'm so sorry. The cruelty of all of this is so horrible and unfair. It does not have anything to do with deserving a child or what you will be as a mom. I've been trying to figure out why the universe set it up that this issue hits people, seemingly, at random. I haven't found a good answer, unfortunately. But you are definitely not alone in thinking about it and I literally don't think I've ever said "why me?" In my whole life...until I started TTC and now it's just about the first and last thing that crosses my mind each day. Just. Sucks. And the hits just keep on coming. I'm so sorry for your mindfuck of the highest order today.
It is so hard to make new friends as adults, too. I totally feel like my circle is too small but don't know how to expand it...there are so many clubs and groups out there, do you have any interests or hobbies you might be able to search nearby areas to see if some group of like minded people exist? Does your town have a FB site or other site where people post events and stuff? A newcomers club?

[akraus2015]

May 9, 2016 20:56:49 GMT -5 wannabmama said:

akraus2015 I'm so sorry. The cruelty of all of this is so horrible and unfair. It does not have anything to do with deserving a child or what you will be as a mom. I've been trying to figure out why the universe set it up that this issue hits people, seemingly, at random. I haven't found a good answer, unfortunately. But you are definitely not alone in thinking about it and I literally don't think I've ever said "why me?" In my whole life...until I started TTC and now it's just about the first and last thing that crosses my mind each day. Just. Sucks. And the hits just keep on coming. I'm so sorry for your mindfuck of the highest order today.
It is so hard to make new friends as adults, too. I totally feel like my circle is too small but don't know how to expand it...there are so many clubs and groups out there, do you have any interests or hobbies you might be able to search nearby areas to see if some group of like minded people exist? Does your town have a FB site or other site where people post events and stuff? A newcomers club?

I definitely need to throw myself into some interests and hobbies. I'd love to get back into a good gym routine. There are always lots of people at the gym...and no kids! I'm going to NC this weekend for a leadership retreat on the beach, so I'm throwing myself into that right now and I'm going to let myself really enjoy the weekend and have fun.

[ellabee]

Shit balls akraus2015. The universe is cruel and unfair. I'm so so sorry that this happened. I'm sending you all the big ((hugs)) I can.

[doodler]

All the love akraus2015. What a mind fuck.