I might get kicked out of this thread because H actually has cut off communication with his parents.
So in some ways I escape a lot of the In-law shenanigans. But in other ways it creates complications. For example, DS1 has never even comprehended that more than one grandpa and grandpa could exist. I'm not sure how to explain it to him when the time comes.
Also, now that we are moving back home I am terrified of running into them. H tells me I should just walk away but I honestly don't think I have it in me to keep walking while they are calling out to me desperate to get a glimpse of their grandchildren (they have never met either one).
If it helps, my dad had to cut off contact with his parents after my brothers and I were born. They were violently abusive. He just told us that he was protecting us by not letting us see them and we never asked. It wasn't traumatic for us to not get to see them. And, as we got older we really appreciated him doing that for us.
Thank you. H's reasons for cutting off contact stem from similar reasons, so that helps a lot.
Post by swbrigadoon on May 8, 2016 18:32:05 GMT -5
I have a good one from before contact was cut off. The very first time H brought me home to meet his parents, his mom told me I had "good birthing hips" :/
My ILs are wonderful people but I really question their judgment. They love their grandkids like crazy and love to spoil them. To a point that it's excessive and they get away with horrible behavior. ILs have done some questionable things with SILs kids. Buying the 2 year old his own gas powered 4 wheeler, letting him drive it on the ice. Letting the kids ride the horse bareback (literally gripping the horse by the mane barely holding on). MIL fed them major choking hazards as toddlers... Bubble gum, marshmallows, whole grapes, lets them run with suckers etc.
MIL watches Emily a few hours a week and I have set strict boundaries with her. I am not afraid to tell her how I feel and exactly how I expect her to care for my kid. She will not be having sleepovers there until I feel like she can fend for herself a little! I feel bad saying that but I don't trust them.
A friend of mine has a baby 4 days younger than Emily. Her dads girlfriend watches her baby a few days a week. She fed him eggs without asking my friend if it was even ok. My friend also just found out she's been putting honey in his oatmeal. Wtf?? She packs a breakfast and lunch for him and this lady has just been feeding him whatever she feels like... I would be livid
Post by jessiespano on May 8, 2016 22:24:54 GMT -5
I don't know if I'm going to last a full two months here. My baby was given chocolate behind my back (I found it in his mouth) and then I had a fight with my sister and mom about it. Apparently I'm depriving my child. Um- he doesn't need sweets. He's a frigging baby and doesn't know what he's missing. My mom said "I was never allowed soda as a kid. So I gave my kids soda whenever they wanted and they turned out healthy!" No one in my family besides me is under 250 lbs. I'm sorry, they aren't healthy. I told them that's fine, but he's my child and I will decide what he eats. It's not like I'm a freak- my oldest is allowed sweets and indulges.
I just don't know if I can live for two months constantly worried about what they are feeding him, or sneaking him. I might need to get over myself, but damn if this isn't the one thing that's important to me.
I don't know if I'm going to last a full two months here. My baby was given chocolate behind my back (I found it in his mouth) and then I had a fight with my sister and mom about it. Apparently I'm depriving my child. Um- he doesn't need sweets. He's a frigging baby and doesn't know what he's missing. My mom said "I was never allowed soda as a kid. So I gave my kids soda whenever they wanted and they turned out healthy!" No one in my family besides me is under 250 lbs. I'm sorry, they aren't healthy. I told them that's fine, but he's my child and I will decide what he eats. It's not like I'm a freak- my oldest is allowed sweets and indulges.
I just don't know if I can live for two months constantly worried about what they are feeding him, or sneaking him. I might need to get over myself, but damn if this isn't the one thing that's important to me.
Um no i would be pissed. I'd be annoyed enough if it were my 2.5 year old. But my 8 month old?! Hell no.
Post by southernpeach89 on May 9, 2016 7:56:06 GMT -5
My Father-in-laws are both wonderful normal people...it's the MIL's that drive me crazy.
DH's stepmom cut us off after we got married because she didn't believe that DH thanked her enough after our rehearsal dinner which is totally skewed since we thanked her in person countless times, sent her a thank you note and flowers afterwards too. So our relationship with her has been difficult from the beginning but it's his mom that I struggle with the most.
DH is an only child so his mom seriously won't leave us alone. He had a really rough childhood and she wasn't the best parent to him from what I've gathered from stories from him, his stepmom, and his dad. So now she is trying to make up for it and it's so overwhelming. Plus she is very sensitive so we need to walk on eggshells around her constantly and reassure her all the time that everything is ok. It's exhausting. She moved to Charlotte a year ago and that has been the nicest break I've ever received lol. The difficult part is that she gets extremely jealous that she doesn't get to spend much time with Callie so she tells DH that she is sad and upset that I spend most holiday's with my family and not her when she fails to plan anything with us until last minute and by then it's too late.
I'll tell DH early on...does your mom want to do anything with us for such and such and he said that she hasn't said anything and I'll ask her what her plans are and she won't make any with us so I go forward with my family. It's a constant battle and I really hurt my mom's feelings this past weekend when I told her that I couldn't do Mother's Day with her since DH's mom would be upset if I did. I'm really tired of it. So that's our current situation. We go to the beach with them next month and I might pull my hair out every day.
AND she says "what do I do?" when Callie starts immediately crying in her arms. She has no idea how to comfort a crying baby so anytime she asks to babysit I get extremely anxious. Then she will try to give me advice on side and all I think about is all the comments DH said to me in the past of how he was raised. It's hard to listen to sometimes.
jessiespano, Chocolate's one of the main foods you're supposed to introduce at 7-9 months. Didn't your pediatrician tell you? I've noticed when people say "I had X, and I turned out fine" or along those lines ... they're usually not.
Ugh I avoid my MIL at all costs. She's crazy we actually believe she is bi-polar but DH isn't 100% sure what's she's actually diagnosed as. She came over yesterday for about 20 minutes and continued to call my daughter Emi-Lou. I continued to correct her and say that's not her name and she continued to do it and made up a story about why her middle name should be Lou... Uhh what no that's not her name. And then she said well I like it. Well fuck you it's not her name. She also tries to pretend she's grandma of the year around people when in all actuality she lives about 4 minutes from us and only sees the kids every few months and typically only when she needs something from DH. She was a single mom and doesn't know who DH father is and hardly raised him anyways. I feel bad because I know DH wants her to have a close relationship with our children but it's just not going to happen. She also has no boundaries and doesn't understand my role as their parent and wife. Last year she got DH a Father's Day card from our kids and a gift. It was really awkward when I produced a gift and card that DS had helped make. She also happens to be best friends with DH exs mom and constantly brings her and her kids up in conversation. She's gone as far as asking to bring out kids to his exs moms house and requesting they call her auntie. Ive had to remind her multiple times that he did not marry his ex and she is not a part of our family.
MIL has used the word "orientated", more times than I can count. It's like nails on a chalkboard.
Oh, and jessiespano, the "well I/H turned out fine" excuse is killing me too! First of all, H has many issues that I can tell came directly from his parents/upbringing and MIL has even more issues so I'd argue she most definitely did not turn out fine. Maybe she feels like I'm judging her parenting choices when I defend mine but really I'm just trying to explain why we do things the way we do; I know she can't go back and fix how she raised H.
evanda, that sounds rough. I do not envy you and am so sorry she has major boundary issues!
My MIL has boundary issues as well but I'm lucky that we see her about once a year so it's not a huge deal. Although, if she calls Cal "her baby" one more time I might throat punch her. She even accidentally referred to herself as his mom the other day. I think it was an honest slip up...at least I hope so.
evanda, that sounds rough. I do not envy you and am so sorry she has major boundary issues!
My MIL has boundary issues as well but I'm lucky that we see her about once a year so it's not a huge deal. Although, if she calls Cal "her baby" one more time I might throat punch her. She even accidentally referred to herself as his mom the other day. I think it was an honest slip up...at least I hope so.
Ugh my mother is law calls my children her babies all the time and has "accidently" called herself mom before and then giggled. Throat punches all around! it's so hard to be civil.
I have a good one from before contact was cut off. The very first time H brought me home to meet his parents, his mom told me I had "good birthing hips" :/
We went to MIL's last night for Mother's Day. As soon as we walked in the door, we didn't even have our coats off yet, she asks where her gift is. She says "Well you didn't get me anything for my birthday this year, so I better have a gift for Mother's Day." (I'm also 99% sure we got her a birthday gift too) I wanted to run out to the car and grab her gift and throw it into the street. I spent most of our visit in the living room while H visited with her in the kitchen. I did have to swoop in and take O away when she kept giving him these tiny old stuffed toys that used to be H's when he was little. The fabric was old and rotting and the stuffing coming out. She got all mad I wouldn't let him play with her toys and didn't understand why it was a problem.
My MIL insisted on holding one of the babies when she basically has no lap (too fluffy and short) and the little bit of her legs that stick out slope downward and she finds a few pounds to be heavy in her senior exercise class. Ummm, the babies weigh 16 lbs and 22 lbs and they wiggle. No way you will not drop them or hurt yourself. How do you explain that to an 85-year-old woman without upsetting her?
She also insisted on coming to see us for dinner when we arrived at my mom's... after 6pm when the babies go to bed by 6:30ish normally. They were up two hours past their bedtime that night and most of the rest of the weekend was a struggle.
I told DH that he needs to deal with these. We are *not* visiting with her between 6:30 and 7:15 at night and she *cannot* hold either baby on her own.
I have a good one from before contact was cut off. The very first time H brought me home to meet his parents, his mom told me I had "good birthing hips" :/
My grandmother in law told me the same thing.
MIL told me that there was no chance I would have a Csection because of my generous hips.
MIL was giving me shit about keeping baby on a schedule. A schedule works for us and it works for Mr. P. If it didn't then we would be doing something different obviously. What really got me today was this statement:
"A baby should fit into your life and schedule not the other way around. People are going to be very upset if you are taking him up for naps and bedtime when we are in DC, you should be thinking about others."
I can't even.
You absolutely should be bringing a screaming, miserable, overtired baby out in public. That won't piss anyone off at all. Gosh, don't be selfish.
MIL was giving me shit about keeping baby on a schedule. A schedule works for us and it works for Mr. P. If it didn't then we would be doing something different obviously. What really got me today was this statement:
"A baby should fit into your life and schedule not the other way around. People are going to be very upset if you are taking him up for naps and bedtime when we are in DC, you should be thinking about others."
I can't even.
I can't imagine people actually being upset about an 8 month old taking naps. Do you think these people actually will be or is just your MIL being psycho?
charliefox you comment reminded my of the fact that my MIL calls Asians "orientals"...well many people call them that in Utah. Is it just me or is this an incredibly outdated and slightly offensive term? I'm not even sure why it is offensive, but growing up in the Bay Area, the PC term was "Asian".
MIL and FIL are convincing me that F is going to walk in a few days. They keep showing me how strong his legs are. Yaaaaaaa, the kid can't pull up on things or stand holding onto a prop, but sure, he'll be walking in a few days.
charliefox you comment reminded my of the fact that my MIL calls Asians "orientals"...well many people call them that in Utah. Is it just me or is this an incredibly outdated and slightly offensive term? I'm not even sure why it is offensive, but growing up in the Bay Area, the PC term was "Asian".
MIL and FIL are convincing me that F is going to walk in a few days. They keep showing me how strong his legs are. Yaaaaaaa, the kid can't pull up on things or stand holding onto a prop, but sure, he'll be walking in a few days.
That term is outdated in the US, as it is used to refer to things from the orient,like rugs, but not people. However, I know in the UK the term Asians is used to refer to someone from South Asian (India, Sri Lanka etc) and Oriental is used to refer to what we use Asian for (people from China, Japan, Thailand etc). Also, I watch too much British TV.
Post by jessiespano on May 15, 2016 16:35:23 GMT -5
Spending the day with my in laws. Thankfully the baby needed to nap so I'm hiding with him an wine. I've already had to tell MIL twice that I'm my boys' parent so please stop giving them opposite direction. And Henry is spoiled rotten because he bedshares and Jackson most likely has a behavioral problem because he threw a small fit. DH is no help and mad at me for being "stand offish."
charliefox you comment reminded my of the fact that my MIL calls Asians "orientals"...well many people call them that in Utah. Is it just me or is this an incredibly outdated and slightly offensive term? I'm not even sure why it is offensive, but growing up in the Bay Area, the PC term was "Asian".
MIL and FIL are convincing me that F is going to walk in a few days. They keep showing me how strong his legs are. Yaaaaaaa, the kid can't pull up on things or stand holding onto a prop, but sure, he'll be walking in a few days.
That term is outdated in the US, as it is used to refer to things from the orient,like rugs, but not people. However, I know in the UK the term Asians is used to refer to someone from South Asian (India, Sri Lanka etc) and Oriental is used to refer to what we use Asian for (people from China, Japan, Thailand etc). Also, I watch too much British TV.
This is so interesting. I've lived a lot of places and have never been called an oriental. Then again, I'm not the typical Asian; I'm built like a linebacker and stand 6 feet tall. Everyone's experiences are different but the few instances of racism I've run into haven't really been in the form of name-calling, usually just people making assumptions and then sticking their foot in their mouth.
For the most part my ILs are great. MIL lets the kids watch too much tv and eat too much junk. FIL used to let the kids do whatever they wanted downstairs and and now doesn't understand why they don't listen and play too rough downstairs. Uuuuh duh. You set the perimeters years ago with how they can play and shut me down when I tried to correct that behavior. I told you they would grow and break your shit.
Playing off indseylay's story, when DS1 was a baby, probably 8 months to two years old, the ILs would leave picture frames, candle sticks, etc on their low tables. We lived with them so it's not like DS1 was only there once in a while. They would get soo frustrated telling him no, over and over again. One day I asked if it wouldn't make more sense to just move the stuff to where he couldn't get it. The response: "Then how will he learn?"
Because my 18 month old was capable of understanding that lesson. Clearly.
I gave up telling them no juice. Everytime I thought I got through to them, I'd come home and MIL would say that Ds1 had juice with lunch but it was okay because it was 100% juice. Not fake juice.
I blew up once because FIL flipped DS1's car seat front facing "because DS1 likes it better" After we told him twenty times that we were keeping him rear facing because it was 1000x safer.
I gave up telling them no juice. Everytime I thought I got through to them, I'd come home and MIL would say that Ds1 had juice with lunch but it was okay because it was 100% juice. Not fake juice.
I blew up once because FIL flipped DS1's car seat front facing "because DS1 likes it better" After we told him twenty times that we were keeping him rear facing because it was 1000x safer.
I would cut someone. I know you have to pick your battles but when someone inevitably feeds my children something they aren't supposed to I will be pissed, and if someone turned my LOs carseat around I would flip the eff out.
I have one. My ILs are normally amazing. But occasionally they do things that make me scratch my head. My ILs are doing is a favor and came in for the day to watch Z since my parents are on vacation and my dad normally watches him on Tues. My MIL is known for not being on time and not being a morning person. Knowing there would be a possibly they would be late coming in from and hour drive I took the morning off just in case. They showed up just at the last second possible before I would need to leave to be on time. Like I literally would have had to hand them the baby ad run out the door.
Since Z fell this morning I took my time getting out the door and was showing them a few things before I left. MIL tells me they decided to drive in last night and got a hotel room. WTF? You couldn't tell us this ahead of time? You could have stayed with us or stayed at my parents empty house (they normally do stay with my parents when they stay overnight since MIL is allergic to dogs-but they have stayed with us too). But even if they insisted on the hotel, they couldn't have told us? Also, I know no one loves mornings, but you couldn't get up early one day to come watch your grandchild? I'm thankful that they came, saved me a vacation day which was nice. I just can't get over not telling us they were coming in overnight and getting the hotel.
Also, this is such a minor thing, but had to vent here anyways.
Post by charliefox on May 17, 2016 14:48:33 GMT -5
mrsb1008, I wouldn't say that's minor; she's an adult who is capable of setting an alarm and getting somewhere on time. The fact that they were nearby and still couldn't be on time would piss me off enough to bring it up if they're going to be watching him again. But I have no patience for things like that.
mrsb1008, I wouldn't say that's minor; she's an adult who is capable of setting an alarm and getting somewhere on time. The fact that they were nearby and still couldn't be on time would piss me off enough to bring it up if they're going to be watching him again. But I have no patience for things like that.
You can see the amount of confidence I had in them getting there on time. I put in for half a day because I was positive they would be late. I'm used to it now so I'm not even bothered by that as much. I'm more angry they got a hotel and didn't tell us. That's just weird.
I'll also say that they watch my niece every Monday. FIL gets there at 7 every Monday. MIL gets there a 11/12. FIL confided in H that MIL is upset that niece prefers FIL. Well he's spending an extra half day with her. Of course she's going to show a preference to him....
caitost21, MH loves saying the baby needs to fit into our lives, not the other way around. A also does better on a schedule, and she takes frequent, short naps still. So it makes getting out and about trickier. Whenever H wants to do something, he seems to forget this. Case in point: this weekend, despite us all being sick, he wants us all to go to the live racing weekend at the track. I pointed out we could go next year, since it'll be time to head home for a nap by the time we drive, park, and walk the several blocks to the track (it's always very crowded and there's little parking on site). So then he threw a little tantrum. His parents are actually very mindful of A's schedule, even if they still don't understand the concept of "winding down" toward bedtime (they're just very enthusiastic and goofy with her).
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