How do you handle the day to day administration of life? Who's in charge of what and how did it get to be that way?
I'm feeling like I'm responsible for so many things and I'm not doing shy of them well. I feel like a dictator rather than a partner. Is the wife/mom always the one everything defaults to?
Post by walterjenne on Jun 2, 2016 19:49:06 GMT -5
I'm the one responsible for groceries, cleaning, and laundry. DH pays the bills and we both cook. I'm at home all day though so it makes more sense, and he's a horrible cleaner. He does help if I need it but usually unless it's dishes or a quick trip to the store, I get push back. He also does yard maintenance (and soon the pool) because he made a comment once that he hated inside chores but didn't mind outside ones.
This is just how it seemed to fall and I realized I hate the way he fold laundry and cleans. We both go through cycles where one does more though depending on life.
I feel like I do almost everything. I'm working less so I guess it makes sense but can feel overwhelming. I do the cleaning, laundry, dishes, meal planning. As well as taking care of the kids and bedtime routine for all of them most of the time. We both cook. DH does any larger household projects like fixing things, yard maintenance, etc. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one doing things day to day, and like I am just constantly picking up after everyone which is sometimes frustrating. Is your DH able to help out with a bit more if you tell him you're feeling overwhelmed?
I am very lucky. DH does most of the cooking and grocery shopping. Because he's in there for all of this, he keeps the kitchen clean. He tends to keep the living room clean too. The rest of the cleaning is on me, but that's just straightening up rooms and vacuuming. He will run loads of laundry, but I also hate how he folds things, so that does fall on me which can be over whelming. We split the yard work, though it's something I enjoy so I do more of that. Even before he was home all the time this was our basic division. He's in charge of taking and picking up the kids from school now too since it's after I need to be at work. I pay all the bills, too. That's something that just fell on me before we were even married.
Post by hurricanerek on Jun 3, 2016 8:04:48 GMT -5
Me: Groceries Cooking Washing dishes My, C's, and diaper laundry Weeding and planting the garden Vacuuming
Dh: Bills and budgeting Kitchen cleanup His laundry Mopping Mowing Feeding and cleaning the chickens (though sometimes I'll get the eggs and refill their feed)
Both: Bathroom cleaning Watering the plants
I feel like our division is pretty good. I do most things related to C because I'm home with her and she's my FT job. Since she is so high-maintenance (clingy), I can't get much cleaning done during the day anyway. Dh learned quickly that unless he helps out, our house will never be satisfactorily clean.
I do the majority of the day to day stuff, except cook dinner. I do the laundry the cleaning, everything for dd (including her meals), grocery shopping, bill paying. We both do dishes. He does bigger house projects, yard maintenance/projects, cooks dinner and is supposed to be in charge of the cat box, but a lot of times he puts it off so I end up doing it. I dislike yard work (it was 97 yesterday and I really do not like the heat) so unless its a big project its usually been outside stuff is his inside stuff is mine but he always liked cooking so that has always been his thing. We used to "split" the cat box, which really meant I would clean it out about 75% of the time. But since we had dd I told him its his job now (doesn't always work). I had a cat before we met but before we moved in together he got a cat and I told him that I wasn't cleaning up after 2 cats by myself. Sometimes when I remind him to clean the cat box he makes a comment about it being an "inside job" which means my job, I put an end to that comment pretty quickly but is a chore in itself just to get him to clean it out.
I feel like im in charge of everything except doing laundry. A lot of days we are both working, so not much gets done at home. On days hes off, hes usually sleeping because he has worked 36+hours consecutively. He does his best to clean, but usually it involves putting things in places where I cant find them, which creates more frustrating.
I think we need to sit down and talk about it more. I know he isn't doing things to make me upset and im probably letting things get to me more than I should. Somedays getting daily chores/cleaning seems unsurmountable. I think im still struggling with PPD and gotta talk to the doc about adjusting meds.
Follow up question: Do you have a budget?? Im struggling with how to actually stick to our budget. We need to save up enough money to move, but it seems like something is always coming up. How do you keep both of you on the budget without getting frustrated??
Lola I can totally relate re:budget stuff. We're trying to save up to move too. We sat down together and looked at our bills and credit card debt from when DH was in the hospital. We made a plan and decided to stop all unnecessary purchases- no more Starbucks, no more eating out or buying lunch at work. I have done awesome and literally never spend $ now, but DH still buys lunch at work once or twice a week. I just keep reminding him what we are saving for. Im also going to start picking up some more hours at work. It sucks to cut out the occasional dinner out or date night but in the long run I know it'll be worth it. Are you guys going to build?
Lola I can totally relate re:budget stuff. We're trying to save up to move too. We sat down together and looked at our bills and credit card debt from when DH was in the hospital. We made a plan and decided to stop all unnecessary purchases- no more Starbucks, no more eating out or buying lunch at work. I have done awesome and literally never spend $ now, but DH still buys lunch at work once or twice a week. I just keep reminding him what we are saving for. Im also going to start picking up some more hours at work. It sucks to cut out the occasional dinner out or date night but in the long run I know it'll be worth it. Are you guys going to build?
We are still thinking about building. We were looking a little closer to my work which is much cheaper, but then we decided we'd rather have a smaller house near family, then a bigger house with no one around.
We found some land that we were going to buy with my parents, sister and her in laws and then all live on the same street...but recently that fell through. I still think we are a year-ish away from buying or starting to build. It all depends on how much money we can save.
I was going to start lecturing, but it looks like that won't start until at least October. DH is picking up 20ish hours a week, but once summer gets here, that will stop because we have the big boys a lot. I wish I had a job that I could pick up time. Still thinking about a per diem job at UMMS for some extra cash.
Its so frustrating when I'm sticking to a budget and DH isn't. I thought he was, and then i looked at the bank and he was spending money on all sorts of random things (who needs a $20 car wash??). So now we are on a cash budget only. We both get money for our day to day needs/spending. Im hoping that if he can see how much money he has, he will spend less. I think it's so easy to swipe a card and not pay attention to it. He was going to take over the bills a few months ago and then that fell through. He has no idea about our financial situation which drives me nuts. I try and tell him but I feel like he's oblivious to it.
As far as our budget goes, in general I am the oblivious one. I basically don't buy non necessities without telling DH. It's not that I ask permission, but I clue him in. He does that with me for bigger purchases as well. If it is something that I forsee needing to spend $$ on, I let him know in advance that the purchase is coming. (Right now I keep reminding him that we need furniture for 2.0's room). Luckily when he took this job it was a decent pay raise so we've cut back a little but managed to save a lot recently. Buying the house depleted more of our savings that we would have liked, so we are starting to stash money back into an emergency fund again.
TLDR: I don't spend money except for groceries and household necessities without telling DH.
Tl;dr: I feel like even though H helps with a lot of things, I still coordinate it all and make sure it gets done. If I didn't do that, nothing would happen. I do most meal planning and grocery shopping (H shops, too, but he takes forever. Literally 3 hours to do the shopping that takes me 45 minutes). We often cook together (one person starts dinner, the other finishes while DD is going to bed) and H does most dishes (I put in my coffee mug and stuff, and will do little bits, but after dinner, I am usually completely off the clock) We have a cleaning lady to do deep cleaning, so H vacuums and swiffers the floors in between, and I wipe down the bathrooms. That works out, because I hate the vacuum. I orchestrate all laundry, but H will help with advancing it, folding, etc. if I tell him (he did all the diaper laundry by himself this week!!) We rent, so our yard and house aren't that big of a deal. H mows the lawn, but it's been dead for about 3 years (yay drought!). For DD, organizing it all is up to me. Picking out clothes, gear, books, all me. Also scheduling or coming up with activities. H drops her off in the morning, so he knows how to pack her bag and lunch if needed (we try to do night before), and he reads/puts her to bed at night. I pick her up, figure out what she's eating, etc.
I pay all the bills and handle the budget, because H literally does not care, and I have control issues about wanting to make sure the bills get paid. What works for us for a budget is for each of us to have "play money". We have checking accounts that the other doesn't have regular access to, and those are for things like pedicures, or lunch/coffee/drinks out (if you don't take your spouse), and gifts for each other. It gives us some freedom to not have our choices questioned, and it works really well for us.
We're not good with budgeting, but we aren't bad. It's not like we go on spending sprees or anything, but we don't keep a tight budget on anything. It hasn't been great with him not working for going on 5 months, but luckily we have savings. DH is worried it'll be depleted by the end of the summer if he can't get back to work by then.
The thought of DH folding clothes makes me laugh. I don't know if I have ever seen him do it. I'm lucky if he unpacks his own bag after a trip before it annoys me to the point where I end up doing it. He's aware - when he does actually unpack his bag we joke about it. I'm still waiting for him to unpack his bag from this weekend (that I think was still partially packed from his fishing trip at the end of April)
DH does all of the budgeting/bill paying, most of the outside yard work, manages everything (bills, upkeep, etc) for our rental property.
We both do dishes, laundry, weeding/watering outside as needed. We also work together to meal plan each week since he likes to contribute to ideas/make requests. I drop DD off at daycare and he gets the boys up daily, feeds them breakfast/helps them get dressed, and takes DS1 to the bus stop and DS2 to daycare.
I do the grocery shopping, meal prep and cooking, lunch packing, dishwasher loading & unloading. We have house cleaners but I do light cleaning (counters, vacuuming, etc) between their visits. I also do most of the planning of appointments/activities/birthdays/clothing for the kids.
He's slowly helping with more. Division of abor and parenting is getting better thankfully. Of course it helps that he's in a bit of a lull at work. If he's slammed, all bets are off and I do close to 100% of everything.
I do mostly everything. Which I don't mind because I stay home with L and DH works hard for me to be able to. I do all the cleaning, besides yard work and dishes some nights. He does bedtime and bath every night.
To get things done I have a weekly schedule. A different thing to do each day. For instance. Today is bathrooms and laundry. I start laundry when I wake up so it's done by nap and I can fold while L is sleeping.
If I did work I would think these responsibilities would be spilt in half. I don't think that's unfair at all. Every family is different and they really have to find a way to make it work for them.
Dh~pays bills, budgets, lawn, and snow removal, cleans up from dinner almost every night, when he's here he will help with whatever I ask but I usually don't and then get annoyed that he's not helping. I need to be better at asking. He puts J to bed most nights and that is a process, he has a hard time winding down and someone has to lay with him. Me~ Everything else
We're not good with budgeting, but we aren't bad. It's not like we go on spending sprees or anything, but we don't keep a tight budget on anything. It hasn't been great with him not working for going on 5 months, but luckily we have savings. DH is worried it'll be depleted by the end of the summer if he can't get back to work by then.
This is us. We don't overspend what we have, but we definitely enjoy our extra money and don't save as much as we should. Our savings should be growing by leaps and bounds but it's just barely building.
Post by honeybee434 on Jun 3, 2016 18:15:52 GMT -5
I pay the bills and budget. DH isn't great with money so it's easier for all of us if I take over this one. Sometimes I hate feeling like the "mom" of our relationship constantly saying no to thinfs he wants to spend money on, but it just kind of has to be that way. He didn't grow up being taught to be financially responsible. It's amazing how much your upbringing can stop affect you when you're in your 30's! He gets a little better each year we are together, but it's slow going. DH has one or two that he pays because he actually had to go to the bank to do it and it's on the way to his work. (Storm shelter bill is one of them.) I make sure the money is in the right accounts for when the $$ comes out, though.
We each do our own laundry (I do DD's) and we take turns making sure the kitchen is clean and the house is picked up. Now that we have the house cleaner coming every other week we don't have to worry about the bathrooms, really. Just make sure the house gets vacuumed and floor Isn't gross in between cleanings. This was a big issue before we hired th cleaner. We each felt like the other didn't do enough, so this solved a lot of bickering.
We take turns grocery shopping. I usually make the regular grocery runs and he makes the Sprouts speciality store run.
I do everything for DD. I make sure she has her diapers, clothes, gear, equipment, food, bath, etc. He gets her 3-4 mornings a week from when she wakes up, breakfast, and to daycare....but, other than that I'm pretty much responsible for her. He's admitted he will have to take on more with her when #2 comes or I will be spread to thin, so we will see if he actually puts that into action.
DH does outdoor stuff, helps with housework, does dishes after I cook usually, and helps with kid care in the evenings and weekends (though he could do bath time with the toddler more often and I wouldn't complain - he helps DS1 get in the shower and ready for bed most times though). He also is in charge of disposing of dead rodents that get trapped in the garage.
I pay bills, do most of the cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, and most weekly cleaning (like the bathroom). I do most kid stuff, make appointments, keep track of what's going on at school, buy clothes and what they need, etc.
We do help each other out with what we need but overall this is pretty much how it works out.
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