How do I do this?
Feb 8, 2015 15:59:55 GMT -5
Post by stoney1019 on Feb 8, 2015 15:59:55 GMT -5
DH and I started trying for #1 in December 2014 and we were extremely fortunate to conceive on the second cycle. We got our BFP on January 31st (the day my cousin had the first baby in the family for 20+ years) and were elated. Well I started cramping on Tuesday then spotting on Wednesday (light and only brown). Immediately I just knew something was wrong - I just felt it. I saw my family MD on Wednesday and she sent me for a beta which came back at 399 - I was 5w3d (although I ovulated late on CD 18 according to my temps on FF). She wanted me to go for an U/S to R/O ectopic but I wasn't able to get in until Tuesday this week.
On Friday she sent me to ED due to not being able to get an U/S 'fast enough' and my beta was 326 - although the Emergency MD was adamant that all labs process differently and to come back Sunday, etc...but I just knew. I also had a transvaginal U/S and they couldn't see anything - in or out of ute and again he was adamant it was probably too early to see anything. I spent the whole day crying and DH was sweet and trying to be positive but bless his heart kept saying ALL the wrong things. Fastforward to this morning - went back to ED and confirmed a loss with my beta in the low 100's although no bleeding yet. I had been preparing myself for it and maybe cried just a little - no tears from DH yet. We had an amazing nurse who gave me the best hug ever. Almost immediately after hearing the news I think my body finally believed it too because the horrible cramps and stabbing pains have started although no bleeding yet. I'll be happy when it comes. I've been doing pretty good but when I put in 'miscarriage' on FF and saw my beautiful triphasic chart change from green to blue lines I lost it.
I spent the last few days coming to terms with it so it doesn't feel so horrible yet. We are currently in the process of starting to build our dream home so that is exciting and something that will keep us distracted and happy. I know it's early to say but I truly believe we will start trying again straight away once we get the all clear - DH has already expressed his desire for this as well but who knows where we will be mentally in a month or two. The hardest part is while we are building we are staying at my parents. We have no privacy and I'm wondering how we are going to grieve. I don't particularly want to hide in our bedroom for the next few weeks.
The second worst part of all of this is yesterday while we were in limbo my best friend announced she is pregnant with #3 and her due date? the day after ours. How am I going to remain to be friends with her and be happy for her? Every ultrasound, kick; watching her growing belly; holding her newborn thinking that should be ME!!!!! That should be US! I am SO angry right now. I wish I never knew about her until later. I don't even want to see her or talk to her. The thought of it makes me want to scream and throw up at the same time and as awful as it is to say I feel like I HATE her right now. We spent 4 hours of 'girly' time yesterday together and it was ALL baby talk and I even had the joy of being dragged to the maternity shops all knowing deep down inside that I have dead tissue in my uterus that should have turned into a baby. DH does not understand this at all. He doesn't understand why I am so upset about her instead of us - maybe I'm just projecting my anger, I don't know! She unknowingly rubbed it in yesterday saying 'I've never had a problem with any of my pregnancies' and she has never had a loss so I know I cannot talk to her about it and I worry that this will come between our friendship.
I have a really close friend who is dealing with infertility and also had an early loss last year. She just found out 2 days ago that IUI #2 was a failure so she is down about that right now. I want to talk to her about it but I feel like I need a few days to process and I need her to work through her emotions right now as I don't want to shift the focus on me because she is grieving right now too because she had such high hopes for this round.
I didn't have an OB as I had applied with a midwifery clinic. The Emerg MD referred me to the best OB in the area which is great so I will hopefully see him this week and track my betas down to 0 and to answer my questions. If you are still with me - thank you SO much for listening and letting me get all this out. If you have any advice I am more than happy to hear it. I already feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders getting all that off my chest!!!!
Edited: Words!
On Friday she sent me to ED due to not being able to get an U/S 'fast enough' and my beta was 326 - although the Emergency MD was adamant that all labs process differently and to come back Sunday, etc...but I just knew. I also had a transvaginal U/S and they couldn't see anything - in or out of ute and again he was adamant it was probably too early to see anything. I spent the whole day crying and DH was sweet and trying to be positive but bless his heart kept saying ALL the wrong things. Fastforward to this morning - went back to ED and confirmed a loss with my beta in the low 100's although no bleeding yet. I had been preparing myself for it and maybe cried just a little - no tears from DH yet. We had an amazing nurse who gave me the best hug ever. Almost immediately after hearing the news I think my body finally believed it too because the horrible cramps and stabbing pains have started although no bleeding yet. I'll be happy when it comes. I've been doing pretty good but when I put in 'miscarriage' on FF and saw my beautiful triphasic chart change from green to blue lines I lost it.
I spent the last few days coming to terms with it so it doesn't feel so horrible yet. We are currently in the process of starting to build our dream home so that is exciting and something that will keep us distracted and happy. I know it's early to say but I truly believe we will start trying again straight away once we get the all clear - DH has already expressed his desire for this as well but who knows where we will be mentally in a month or two. The hardest part is while we are building we are staying at my parents. We have no privacy and I'm wondering how we are going to grieve. I don't particularly want to hide in our bedroom for the next few weeks.
The second worst part of all of this is yesterday while we were in limbo my best friend announced she is pregnant with #3 and her due date? the day after ours. How am I going to remain to be friends with her and be happy for her? Every ultrasound, kick; watching her growing belly; holding her newborn thinking that should be ME!!!!! That should be US! I am SO angry right now. I wish I never knew about her until later. I don't even want to see her or talk to her. The thought of it makes me want to scream and throw up at the same time and as awful as it is to say I feel like I HATE her right now. We spent 4 hours of 'girly' time yesterday together and it was ALL baby talk and I even had the joy of being dragged to the maternity shops all knowing deep down inside that I have dead tissue in my uterus that should have turned into a baby. DH does not understand this at all. He doesn't understand why I am so upset about her instead of us - maybe I'm just projecting my anger, I don't know! She unknowingly rubbed it in yesterday saying 'I've never had a problem with any of my pregnancies' and she has never had a loss so I know I cannot talk to her about it and I worry that this will come between our friendship.
I have a really close friend who is dealing with infertility and also had an early loss last year. She just found out 2 days ago that IUI #2 was a failure so she is down about that right now. I want to talk to her about it but I feel like I need a few days to process and I need her to work through her emotions right now as I don't want to shift the focus on me because she is grieving right now too because she had such high hopes for this round.
I didn't have an OB as I had applied with a midwifery clinic. The Emerg MD referred me to the best OB in the area which is great so I will hopefully see him this week and track my betas down to 0 and to answer my questions. If you are still with me - thank you SO much for listening and letting me get all this out. If you have any advice I am more than happy to hear it. I already feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders getting all that off my chest!!!!
Edited: Words!