Parent/child personality clash?

[kleigh926]

Okay, so I'm hoping what I say here doesn't come across too bad, but DH and I have been struggling with DD. DH and I are pretty independent, not constant-interaction people. We're not overly affectionate and like our alone time. He is very introverted and prefers to be by himself the majority of the time, while I am more outgoing and comfortable around people, but would describe myself overall as a homebody.

DD on the other hand, seems to have lost the ability to happily be or play by herself (not that she had much of that ability in the first place). She talks a lot, doesn't leave any of us alone, and cries without fail every time we leave for quiet time, bedtime, or if we're going somewhere without her. She's very defiant, strong-willed, and argumentative. I definitely think there's some separation anxiety going on too but we are so fed up with the crying over everything we say or do and not understanding the concept of personal space and limits. We do a quiet time everyday, sometimes it's a movie, sometimes we make her stay in her room for awhile by herself. But she never plays- she always naps. And then she's up till 11:00 at night. If she has to be alone, she will choose to sleep over playing (and of course she throws a fit when we leave the room).

I hope that some maturity will help with her overbearing personality and the crying but that doesn't help us much in the meantime. I feel horrible, I hope it doesn't sound like we don't want to be around our own kid, but she's so difficult to deal with sometimes and doesn't give us a break. Any advice or commiseration?

[brachysira]

Yeah, you're not far off from our situation. Can you get a baby-sitter, enroll her in preschool/camp/something, or at least take her to storytime and parks where she can play with other kids? Maybe a moms' group so you can do playdates where you talk to adults and she can find other kids to meet her needs? Even more TV?

Here is a scenario from this morning: DD gets up and gets in our bed. I am asleep and DH is on his phone waking up. DD says she wants to snuggle, but this involves kicking DH in the balls repeatedly because doing in once got a reaction. DD says DH has to help her find more of her mouse family. We tell her she can do that herself. She cries and cries. DH says he has to get ready for work. DD says, no one will take care of me! DD is doing 3 afternoons of preschool. We have playdates and go to the pool where she has 1 parent's undivided attention. She sometimes has baby-sitters who talk to her. My DD is pretty usually hysterical when it is bedtime or naptime. She does play by herself okay during naptime tho. She doesn't usually mind too much if I go somewhere, but then again, I don't do that often.

Um, I pretty much never want to interact with my kids. I enjoy DOING stuff with them. Like, we always have fun at the pool or playing a board game and I like to hear about what she did at school or explore a museum with her. But at home, it's just requesting snacks, climbing mom, whining...no one enjoys that. And I don't have all that much tolerance for pretend play and really have to be feeling at the top of my game to enjoy all the work that comes with arts and crafts.

[seadragon2013]

Are you and your H getting any alone time? Being around a three year old 24/7 is mentally and emotionally exhausting, especially when they are going through challenging phases. You guys might just need more regularly scheduled breaks.

I think that in the long-run, preschool would help you out immensely. She sounds like she wants to socialize all the time and would enjoy staying busy with structured activities. You can't be expected to provide that all the time. She will eventually need to learn how to amuse herself, but it's also okay to outsource some of the work.

[creepyeyeball]

I don't mean to sound harsh, but the first paragraph just sounds unrealistic when it comes to parenting. Alone time, quiet, time to yourself - sounds great, but it isn't really reality (consistently or daily) with small children. You can train your kids to be quiet and play by themselves to leave you alone, but that is difficult and time consuming. IME it is much easier to train yourself and find ways to cope with your new normal.

I get you though. DS1 is a talker. Like he never stops. If he is in the room he is talking - play by play of his video game he just finished, reenacting the book or movie he lady read or watched, asking questions, whatever. It's enough to drive me crazy and I never get a break. I just try to deal for as long as I can and go to my happy place. Sometimes I tune him out and just nod my head. I just deal.

Some days it all gets to be too much - the constant noise and activity - and as they have gotten older I can just send them outside and enjoy the quiet. But I can't do that all the time, so I just have to deal. And pray. A lot. Like every hour - "Lord, give me patience. Help me deny myself for their sake."

It will get easier. These are the hard years. But remember too that you will look back one day and miss it all. That's what I tell myself to get through the hard days. I was saying that in my head just a few hours ago. I could hear the kids fighting upstairs and the baby was wanting to be held and all I really wanted was an hour to just veg to myself. But I can't, so I rocked the baby and tried to remind myself that pretty soon he won't be a baby anymore and one day I will miss the sound of my children upstairs. And then I'll regret not trying to enjoy it more.

It's so hard. Perspective helps me. And also those few precious hours before bed, even if it means staying up later than I should, that are mine and only mine. As long as I have that time to look forward to I can just chug along. Maybe you need to give up naps so you have that time for yourself.

[summer]

DH and I are similar to you and your H in terms of liking our alone time, naturally being introverted, etc. And DS is the complete opposite of that. He can be charismatic and darling and clever, but when he's home with us it is non-stop talking unless the TV is on. And I try not to leave it on all day. ;-)

We've had to learn to deal. Exercise helps us both so much. I get up early every morning to do mine; DH bikes to and from the commuter train station every day and runs on Saturdays. The kids go to bed promptly at 8, and we have from 8-10 to ourselves, which usually involves us doing our own things next to each other because we are so tapped out between work and kids. I do enforce quiet time and naps; if the kid is up late in his room, fine (although he usually isn't). And I try to go to the park most days so he'll run around without me and I keep an eye on him, although I seem to remember you saying your DD is a runner(?).

You have to get out of the monkey house now and again. Can you find a couple at church to swap off with for date nights? Can your parents or DH's parents take them one night a week? We also do quiet activities together, like coloring; I finally got an adult coloring book and I color with the kids. It lets me tune out while still being with them.

Hugs to you. It's a hard age. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't massively frustrated at least twice a day.

[beenandgone]

Hi kleigh926. Same boat here. My Feb13 is another talker/screamer. As in, we just had a 45minute tantrum because he was DONE eating dinner and didn't want a hashbrown. And we said okay.

And my oldest (9yrs old) never. stops. talking. I feel like I'm surrounded by blah blah blah all day long. My ears hurt. My brain hurts and I so desperately want to just go pee without an audience!

I have no advice, and I know it's not really comforting, but having gone through this once with my oldest, it will end. Someday. Like creepyeyeball said, you reall just have to endure. And I KNOW how frustrating it is to hear it.

I know in the past finances have been tight for you, but could you enroll DD into a summer daycamp? What about a weekly class like dance at the YMCA or an art class for kids? Just something to get her out and interacting with other kids, something that you do not have to do with her (like story hour). Sending DD to creative dance classes starting when she was 2years old was absolutely a sanity saver for me. When DD1 was little, I was a single parent, so it was all me all the time, every day and every night. That 30 minutes a week was something I looked forward to every freaking week. I couldn't leave the dance studio, but there were times I would spend all 30 minutes in the bathroom, just so I could pee alone!

[kleigh926]

creepyeyeball, just to clarify, I didn't mean to imply that I think our lives with kids should be the way I wrote my first paragraph. I only included that to show how it's difficult for us to deal with DD's personality because it's so different from ours (particularly DH). I knew parenting would involve much less alone time, freedom, etc. I am just getting worn down by the crying over everything and the fact that I can't even leave a room without being followed or interrogated by a 3-year-old about everything I am doing.

I am hoping a lot of this is just a stage for her and that maturity helps. There has been a lot of tension between her and DH, and there are a lot of factors. He grew up in a house with yelling, so that's what he resorts to when she doesn't listen right away or does stuff she knows is wrong. She pushes his buttons and he reacts. It's worse now because he's home for the summer (and he is also weaning off Zoloft, which I think/hope is a reason for his irritability), so he's around her more than normal and he isn't dealing very well with it. It makes me feel kinda helpless because I feel like they do not have a great relationship right now, and of course I never get a break either, so I don't have much patience on reserve.

I don't mean to make it sound like he never does anything fun with her or enjoys her company. He occasionally takes her to the playground, goes swimming with her, etc. And usually once one thing blows over it kind of all "resets" and it's okay again.... until the next thing, which usually doesn't take very long

[beenandgone]

I absolutely despise late nights when the kids don't go to sleep at bedtime, too. Those two hours between kid bedtime and mom & dad bedtime are really the only time every day when no one is touching me. I desperately need those 120 minutes of reset time to be nice to my husband.

I completely understand the exhaustion and annoyance you are getting. Partly, I think it will help when summer is over and she can get better outside play time. That isn't to say you aren't giving her enough now, of course! I just find my kids are more annoying and irritable when they are hot. Fall is a better reset time for my kids.

Have you thought about any preschools? I know that DD is only 3, but many states offer early preschool. In my state it's called PEEPS- but I don't know what that was an acronym for. It was state sponsored and free for low income. As a single parent at the time, I qualified. I sent DD at 4, even though I don't really feel the need for preschool--it was free childcare for a single parent and it turned out to be good for her, too. You could check into parttime programs in your area, again to give you a break and her an outlet?

[crimsonandclover]

I also understand the frustration. I know I've mentioned preschool before but I don't remember why you haven't done it - was it the cost? If at all possible, I would really try to look into trying to find something to give you a break. What about a family at church with a kid at a similar age? Can you say you'll take their kid two mornings a week if they take your DD two mornings? Then the two mornings you've got the kids maybe your DD will also get some of her energy out playing with the other one?

I think a lot of what your describing applies to a lot of small children, so I don't think it's your DD per se.

[dc2london]

I think it sounds like you both need a break from each other--and there is nothing wrong with that! If preschool isn't an option, can you hire a mother's helper to come over for a few hours a week so you can go about your business (work out, clean, shower, nap, whatever)?
Maybe you and your H can work out a schedule that affords you each some alone time at predetermined times ?

[dc2london]

FWIW, my H and my oldest butt heads a lot bc they are so much alike that they drive each other crazy. But DH goes to work every day. If he were a SAHP I think he would probably climb the walls. He adores our children but sometimes, by bedtime Sunday night, I can tell he is ready for Monday morning and the safety of his office

[creepyeyeball]

This may be flame-worthy. Lord knows my mom and sister have already told me what a terrible parent I am for this already. But my sanity saver is having TVs in my kids' bedrooms. I have a zero tolerance policy with bedtime. I tuck you in and you only come out if you are sick. I'mnot messing around. This only works because we have TVs in their rooms. They are allowed to watch a movie before they fall asleep. It keeps them quiet and in their rooms. Like I said before - I NEED those hours to myself before bed. I have little people on me all day, every day and I am pretty patient about it. But the hours between 8-10. Those are MINE!!

As I mentioned, people judge me for the TVs. But those people also routinely complain about their kids getting out of bed ten times a night asking for water and monster checks and all that. My kids are too busy watching their movie to come bother me

[brachysira]

I had some ideas--for us, my child is so much better if she's slept. So maybe you can just let her nap and then put her in bed at bedtime and if she's not tired, give her a light, books, and whatever else she wants to play with and let her get in her independent play then--not that she won't get out of bed but you'll have to supernanny it or something. Or B--if you really don't want her to sleep during independent play, can you set her up in a gated dining room or something where is it just not likely she'll sleep? Give her coloring, playdough, etc.?

And this won't sound like a solution, but if your son is preventing you from getting any time with just your daughter, maybe some mom-daughter dates would help you guys feel closer and then perhaps she'd be more chill with respect to meeting your needs.

[creepyeyeball]

I was thinking about this in the shower a little bit ago. I was interrupted twice during my five minute shower. First it was DD2 telling me she picked a bouquet of flowers outside and she wants me to see them - kind of busy now, kid. Second was DS1, who proceeded to sit outside the shower and try to talk to me through the curtain. Nothing important, just wanted to tell me about the Lego camera he just made.

I can't even get five minutes alone in the shower anymore. Clearly we need boundaries in our house.

[expatmama]

A few thoughts ---

Consistency with 'quiet time' or 'playing alone time' -- I love Siri on my Iphone for this very reason --- we ask Siri out loud to 'set the timer' for 20 minutes. She then announces the timer is set and then the bell rings when time is up. This has kept my kids going along with some of this stuff.

If it is ¨play without grownups' time, I will sit close by and read a book or internet or something. If they interrupt me considerably, I remind them I am doing something else now and that I will reset the timer if they keep interrupting me.

This has worked well for us --- but I do understand what you mean. DS1 is very much like me in personality, DS2 is the exact opposite. I find it to be really challenging. DS2 is more like DH, but still very much his own character.

For him, I do find myself yelling more than I ever have --- For example today while giving me a hug he bit me so hard in the leg that it broke skin through my hiking shorts. He has done this a few times before insisting 'I'm biting clothes, not YOU mama' well, this time he got me too and neither is OK. We work hard to emphasize the positive behaviors though to show that positive behavior gets attention not negative. It has had mixed results.

DS2 actually plays far better independently than DS1 and is really quick to make friends. We just got back from our US trip and he was able to get the big kids at the swimming pool involved in very active play and games in the on a daily basis. There were a few 5 year olds who would come over during every 'adult swim' just to play with him. And when no one is around to play, he can really get imaginative on his own.

But I am not cut out to be a SAHM and to be honest DS2 is way to social to be satisfied hanging out with me all day. We had planned to keep him home for the summer while DS1 went to summer camp, but we ended up sending DS2 a few mornings a week because he would be way too offended if his big brother went out every day and he was stuck at home.

[pinkie]

creepyeyeball - I have no judgements about tv or tablets for anyone but for a family with more than 2 kids I have no judgements about almost anything. You need ways to stay sane

Z also has a difficult personality so I can understand the frustrations expressed in this post. I would go crazy being home every day with both kids so I also wanted to suggest some sort of preschool or play group. Z never ever stops talking. He cries anytime we tell him no. He still has intense tantrums. He also can be so sweet and cute but holy crap there are a lot of loud/rough times. He doesn't listen. I think a lot of this is 3 year old behavior (or at least I'm trying to make myself feel better by believing this).

[beenandgone]

creepyeyeball

I'm curious about your TV in the bedroom, can I pick your brain?

Do you have a set time limit? Do they watch full length movies? Short cartoons? Watch more than one?

What about getting up in the morning? Do they have a set wake up time to get up and get moving?

We are really struggling with DS1 Datsuns in bed. Dd1 is old enough to stay put and the littles just go to sleep. I've thought about doing this for ds1 (and by default to be fair, dd1) but ds doesn't often fall asleep watching TV, so I worry that it will keep him in his room, but awake all night.

[creepyeyeball]

Jul 28, 2016 10:03:48 GMT -5 beenandgone said:

creepyeyeball

I'm curious about your TV in the bedroom, can I pick your brain?

Do you have a set time limit? Do they watch full length movies? Short cartoons? Watch more than one?

What about getting up in the morning? Do they have a set wake up time to get up and get moving?

We are really struggling with DS1 Datsuns in bed. Dd1 is old enough to stay put and the littles just go to sleep. I've thought about doing this for ds1 (and by default to be fair, dd1) but ds doesn't often fall asleep watching TV, so I worry that it will keep him in his room, but awake all night.

They are usually allowed to watch one full-length movie. On weekends the boys can stay up and watch more, but DH always goes up amd shuts the tvs off when he goes to bed.

The kids will also put in a movie on Saturday mornings and watch in their rooms so we can "sleep in". For me that means waking at maybe 8. The kids know not to come downstairs and wake us unless it's an emergency. The tvs allow them to stay entertained when they wake.

We wake during the week to have breakfast with DH before work. I wake the kids up around 7:15. Sometimes DS1 is already awake and reading in his bed - he's my early riser. The rest would probably naturally sleep til 8 if I didn't wake them earlier.

ETA - we have no tvs in the main area of the house. Bedrooms are the only place to watch. That works well for us, especially when I need a break. If I'm going to have the TV babysit them, it's nice to have them upstairs and out of my hair instead of in our shared space.

[dc2london]

Jul 28, 2016 9:36:06 GMT -5 creepyeyeball said:

I was thinking about this in the shower a little bit ago. I was interrupted twice during my five minute shower. First it was DD2 telling me she picked a bouquet of flowers outside and she wants me to see them - kind of busy now, kid. Second was DS1, who proceeded to sit outside the shower and try to talk to me through the curtain. Nothing important, just wanted to tell me about the Lego camera he just made.

I can't even get five minutes alone in the shower anymore. Clearly we need boundaries in our house.

DS1 one day was frantically pounding on the door while I showered. Thinking something was wrong, I dripped across the floor to see what he needed.
He reallyreallyreally needed to show me one of his papers from school that day. At that exact second.

[mishka29]

All I can say is yesterday morning my 18 month old was outside in her pjs on the deck at 6:15 am with a cup of ice. It's what she wanted and I couldn't listen to anymore crying.