So when I became a parent everyone told me everyones going to have an opinion take it in stride and move on. So I figured we could have a little vent about people judging our parenting choices.
I didn't think I would encounter a judgey mcjudgerson so early on, but I did.
Every Sunday my husband and I get together with another couple for about 2 years now. They have two adult children. So I was telling the woman that if she was planning on coming over at 9 o'clock p.m. that the baby would be asleep. First she got a little upset because I guess she figured if she was coming over that she would get to see the baby. Secondly she then mocked the fact that the baby has a bedtime.
The baby has a bed time because if we start putting him to bed by 9 o'clock he's predictably up at certain times and my husband can get some sleep before he has to go to work the next day....but not that I need to justify anything to my friend. I just told her straight out that she was judging my parenting and I didn't like it, which shut her up.
DS2 is almost 4 weeks and doesn't have a bedtime because we haven't really established a schedule yet. But I don't think you should get judged for being in a routine. Whenever someone judges my parenting choices or circumstances, I usually handle it with humor. Like I am having some trouble with BF (supply issues, and I'm seeing a LC), and one of my friends said that she thinks that is a myth and that every mom has the ability to produce enough milk for their baby if they stop relying on formula. I just smiled and said, "My lactation consultant said that supply issues are rare, but I have insufficient glandular tissue, so I guess I'm one of the lucky ones!" Whatever. All moms just do the best we can, and apart from serious safety or negligence issues, people need to mind their own business about other people's parenting choices.
Oh man, my kid has a bed time (semi-predictable awake times if we stick to the schedule), I wake him every 2 hours during the day to feed, and he's exclusively formula fed. I'm screwed.
Actually, I was judged pretty harshly during pregnancy for deciding to formula feed from the get-go, to the point that I had people at work interrupting me during something and trying to convince me to exclusively pump. Now, I just get judged by my FMIL because I got the epidural during labor and I'm not BFing.
As maebb said, we're all doing the best we can; this isn't a competition, and no one is winning any trophies.
Post by 4littlebears on Feb 10, 2015 12:13:09 GMT -5
Can we make ourselves a trophy?? My mom was somewhat judging my older kids while she was here. I loved her help but she kept telling me over and over that dd2 was going to be my troublemaker. I kindly told her that yes, maybe that could happen. But that we were going to try to raise her with confidence so she doesn't feel the need to get into trouble. And get her into something that interests her. She's already a really good singer at 3 and a little actress. I can totally see her in the arts.
I have 4 little bears, just like my name says. 2 girls 2 boys ages 8,5,3, and my newest babe. 2 of my little bears have life threatening food allergies, feel free to ask me more about that!
Post by nachomomma on Feb 10, 2015 12:17:01 GMT -5
The only time I've ever felt judged has been when the topic of sleep training comes up, and people don't usually know they sound judgemental. I don't take offense to most things, because I don't usually talk about it, and because I think people get judgemental or defensive because of their own insecurities.
It's funny because we get judged all the time because we do not have a schedule. We just go with the flow. You're tired now? Take a nap. You don't want to nap ok go to bed early. This has allowed us to do lots of things with ds 1 like go to the night time zoo or to different events and he's fine with it, I hope we can stay flexible with ds 2. I realize schedules work well for most people but really not everyone needs one.
Post by hstrawberry on Feb 10, 2015 12:55:23 GMT -5
I love my MIL and have a great relationship with her but she is so old school and VERY opinionated. I told her I didn't want blankets in the crib and that LO couldn't wear her snow suit in the car seat and she made it very obvious she thinks it's dumb. Clearly her kids survived so it's ok to do now. It's so annoying.
It's funny because we get judged all the time because we do not have a schedule. We just go with the flow. You're tired now? Take a nap. You don't want to nap ok go to bed early. This has allowed us to do lots of things with ds 1 like go to the night time zoo or to different events and he's fine with it, I hope we can stay flexible with ds 2. I realize schedules work well for most people but really not everyone needs one.
We aren't really schedule people either, it has worked well for us and as a result my dd has always been so flexible, it is nice not be locked in by nap times, bed times, etc. We get judged a lot for it too. Especially the lack of bedtimes. Also people get all freaked out that my h has his own room and I share a room with my daughter and that I really don't feel the need to move her out. I now the baby in a co-sleeper in here too. People think I am nuts but I am just more comfortable having my little ones with me at night.
So when I became a parent everyone told me everyones going to have an opinion take it in stride and move on. So I figured we could have a little vent about people judging our parenting choices.
I didn't think I would encounter a judgey mcjudgerson so early on, but I did.
Every Sunday my husband and I get together with another couple for about 2 years now. They have two adult children. So I was telling the woman that if she was planning on coming over at 9 o'clock p.m. that the baby would be asleep. First she got a little upset because I guess she figured if she was coming over that she would get to see the baby. Secondly she then mocked the fact that the baby has a bedtime.
The baby has a bed time because if we start putting him to bed by 9 o'clock he's predictably up at certain times and my husband can get some sleep before he has to go to work the next day....but not that I need to justify anything to my friend. I just told her straight out that she was judging my parenting and I didn't like it, which shut her up.
So how about you?
I just want to say that I applaud you for having a bedtime. I wish we were that organized!
The only time I've ever felt judged has been when the topic of sleep training comes up, and people don't usually know they sound judgemental. I don't take offense to most things, because I don't usually talk about it, and because I think people get judgemental or defensive because of their own insecurities.
This. My SIL judges me for sleep training and my not-exactly-attachment style parenting. She also judges me for going back to work after only 6 weeks and using a nanny (hello, I don't have a choice about going back to work!). I'll raise my son with all the love in the world, but I'll raise him my way, thank you very much.
Post by grumpycat88 on Feb 10, 2015 14:03:31 GMT -5
I got seriously judged about my decision to pump/formula feed. Thankfully family has stopped bringing up BF and going to see (another) LC. They seem to realize the decision was for my sanity and that the dictator is still getting fed.
It's funny because we get judged all the time because we do not have a schedule. We just go with the flow. You're tired now? Take a nap. You don't want to nap ok go to bed early. This has allowed us to do lots of things with ds 1 like go to the night time zoo or to different events and he's fine with it, I hope we can stay flexible with ds 2. I realize schedules work well for most people but really not everyone needs one.
We aren't really schedule people either, it has worked well for us and as a result my dd has always been so flexible, it is nice not be locked in by nap times, bed times, etc. We get judged a lot for it too. Especially the lack of bedtimes. Also people get all freaked out that my h has his own room and I share a room with my daughter and that I really don't feel the need to move her out. I now the baby in a co-sleeper in here too. People think I am nuts but I am just more comfortable having my little ones with me at night.
Dh has had his own room pretty much since after we came back from our honeymoon and we realized we slept better in separate beds, we slept in the same bed for 5 years before we got married but dh developed a bad back and this lets us have our own comfy space. I think people freak out about that because they associate sleeping together with intimacy and sex...clearly we have two kids so its not a problem :-)(dh started sleeping next to ds in October so he wouldn't have a rough transition when baby arrived) I would have kept cosleeping with ds 1 to preserve dh's back but I was scared he'd roll over baby, but maybe since lo is such a great sleeper I might stick him in the crib when he's a bit older, sleep next to ds 1 and let dh have his own space again :-)
Post by funinthenorth on Feb 10, 2015 14:34:18 GMT -5
My mother is horrified that I have had a few glasses of wine since ds was born. Regardless of the fact that I told her the nurse that taught prenatal classes said it was ok to have a glass after bf. I've even shown it to her in print in the breastfeeding book. She doesn't care. Her response is "studies are always changing, better to be safe than sorry". While I understand she is concerned, I'm having 1 drink...not the 3 that I really want.
I'm getting shit for formula feeding and pumping. I couldn't BF for a couple days because Z literally bit my nipples off! Now I'm trying to pump but I'm still getting shit for not trying to latch her back on. Sorry people but having the skin on my nipples bit off was not a fun experience! I'd rather be able to give her pumped breast milk than risk her ripping my nipples off again and not being able to give her any.
First this is my mom has had a few times when she's started arguments over how I should do things. Like I should give him baths everyday or using warmer (thick loose blankets) when he sleeps. We argued about his car seat straps being too tight according to her. And then when someone found out I had my first drink they said, "I hope your not breast feeding because that will be in your milk" I just ignored that one! I don't think most people realize what is coming out of their mouth sometimes!
I love my MIL and have a great relationship with her but she is so old school and VERY opinionated. I told her I didn't want blankets in the crib and that LO couldn't wear her snow suit in the car seat and she made it very obvious she thinks it's dumb. Clearly her kids survived so it's ok to do now. It's so annoying.
My parents said the same thing. "You and your brother survived, and that was back in the day when you didn't even need a car seat after age 3." Ok, so? Safety has come a long way in 30 years. My kids, my rules.
Another one that was judged for formula feeding her kid. I live in Colorado where it's basically unheard of to ff. like strangers come up to me while I'm bottle feeding my kid out in public asking if it's pumped breast milk. It's pretty annoying.
Another one that was judged for formula feeding her kid. I live in Colorado where it's basically unheard of to ff. like strangers come up to me while I'm bottle feeding my kid out in public asking if it's pumped breast milk. It's pretty annoying.
My mil stayed with us the first week home and judged every move i made! I was so happy when she left and not excited coming to visit this weekend. She would not understand why we were avoiding using a binkie the first few weeks and kept sneaking them saying there is no way he is hungry again! For the weekend she already is questioning why we don't want to go out for Valentine's. We have never celebrated it ( just always got each other alcohol) and don't want to deal with the busy crowds at places. She has called every other day to again question it.
Post by nachomomma on Feb 10, 2015 18:55:16 GMT -5
My MIL doesn't mean to be judgey, but I sometimes take it that way. She regularly insisted my first son was gassy, and seemed to believe that it was because I was eating the wrong stuff. I disagreed with her, and didn't change my diet. She may not have cared, but I felt like she was silently judging me. She even called once when DS1 was like 6 months old. He was crying, and I heard my husband telling her DS wasn't gassy. I'm glad they're not visit g until next month this time...gives me and my new son time to get to know each other first. However, she'll come right around peak witching hour time, so I'm sure I'll be sensitive. So I recant my earlier statement...I feel judged by my MIL, but that's probably my own insecurity.
We left LO with MIL for an hour last week since she was dying to watch her. I've mentioned it to a few friends who then proceeded to point out that they didn't leave their babies for the first 6 months because they didn't trust anyone else to take care of them. I felt slightly judged but also just wonder if they were way too uptight. DH and I got to have nice lunch, F slept the entire time so she clearly wasn't bothered and MIL was thrilled to watch her, seems like a win-win.
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