PPD check in

[jmc11511]

I'll be honest, I'm struggling a bit too. I thought maybe I was just having some anxiety because of G's health issues, but I'm still having a really short fuse and some rage moments where in the moment I know I'm out of control but I can't seem to get myself back under control. My fuse is especially short with my 4 year old, and that's not fair to him. I feel like a crappy Mom, and then I start feeling bad about everything. I've tried to express how I'm feeling to my husband and he doesn't get it/doesn't know what to say. I'm trying to do things that usually make me feel good, like working out again, reading, art, taking time for myself, even if it's just an hour or so in the evenings when DH is home. But I'm wondering if I don't need to see my PCP or possibly even a therapist. I did not experience this with DS1. Also adding to this is that I officially had to stop pumping, because my supply completely disappeared. So I was disappointed by that. And this month would have been our angel baby's first birthday. It seems like I shouldn't be struggling with it, but I am.

Wow, that got really long and rambling. Sorry.

[okiemama]

Likes for support. I can't tell how much is normal/when it could be attributed to ppa. We went on a family vacation and I found myself withdrawn several times and DH couldn't understand why I was acting like that. Honestly, I didn't really either. I had a full-on meltdown over something dumb and just felt general anxiety almost to the point of panic attacks. Since it comes and goes, does it still count? Maybe it triggered a lot more being out, since I almost never leave the house or interact and then I had to do a whole week of being with people (my extended family all went, and stayed in a condo together). My introverted self couldn't handle it.

I talked to DH a little on the drive home about it and he seemed to be surprised I even mentioned ppa, and totally brushed me off like it's too far past to be talking about that.

[Courtniko]

I don't know if I really belong here, I feel like I am intruding, but I am having a really hard time right now. I have almost btoken down in tears a few times this morning.
I am on medication, so I am a ton better than I was with DD, but I feel so guilty being on medication and breastfeeding.
I have had such a short temper, and yelled at DS last night for not sleeping well, like WTF Courtniko, it is not his fault, and you can never yell at a 3 month old. I am so angry at myself, and feel like shit about it.
The lack of sleep is killing me, but I thought my 4 hour nap on Saturday made such a difference, but I guess not.
I can not concentrate at work to save my life, I still have lingering symptoms from the flu from over 2 weeks ago. I have had a headache for 3 days. My body is grossing me out. I just feel like I am failing at everything.

Sorry this was so much complaining.
Hugs to everyone going through hard times.

[rubykitten]

I'm so sorry everyone I've been very sick lately, heartburn that lasts all day, nausea, back pain, weight loss. It's so awful on top of work and caring for lo and the doctors are doing shit for me. If I'm depressed from being chronically ill for the past two months, does that count as PPD?

My husband blew up at me a couple days ago where he basically called me out for being a major bitch, but I only have so much patience, all of which I save for my pain and lo. I'm hoping that if I solve this health problem, I'll go back to normal but it might not be that easy to solve. Sort of at the end of my endurance here...

[renbee]

Add me to the list of having a hard time. I thought I was doing great but recently I feel very....I don't know how to describe it. I just feel like I'm constantly trying to get through and not able to enjoy anything in the moment. I am distracted at work just trying to get to 5:00 so I can see DS, but then when I am home with him I just want him to go to sleep so I can have me time. Then he is asleep and I miss him and feel bad for not enjoying my time with him more. Just feel a lot of guilt and stress all the time. Also I hate my body currently and feel really self conscious so that doesn't help the general unease that I feel. I don't know if it's serious enough to seek help or just normal mommy stuff that everyone goes through. I've never taken depression meds or seen a therapist so I'm not sure I would even know where to start if I went down that road.

[renbee]

Aug 15, 2016 13:46:25 GMT -5 heartbot said:

I'm still waffling on whether I need to talk to my doctor or not. It's hard for me to gauge what's a normal reaction to sleep deprivation/major life change/all the other shit going on, and what's not normal. I alternate between being so anxious it's paralyzing and being so sad I just want to lay down on the ground and give up. We have good days every so often, but. I just keep thinking, if I go talk to someone all they're going to say is, "It's just stress. Give it time. This too shall pass," and I can tell myself that for free.

Yep. This is exactly where I am too. Sigh

[scotty138]

I'm sorry to hear of so many ladies struggling right now. Big hugs all around.

I was doing great when I went in for my 6 week check and thought I was in the clear, but lately my emotions and anxiety are out of control. M started out such and easy baby but the last few weeks has been up every 2 hours at night. DH and I are majorly struggling and my anxiety is out of control. I also have this unsettling feeling that I have to enjoy my time with M because something is going to happen to him. I don't know if it is stress from his kidney problems or related to my anxiety.

I'm hoping to start feeling better after we see the nephrologist next month and our schedule slows down a bit. The first week in Oct DH and I are going to San Francisco without the kids and that may help as well. Right now DH and I are just going to try to get through this together unless things get worse, then I will call my doc.

[sammie]

heartbot and renbee I have those same feelings. I'm not sure if this is just a normal response to huge changes in my life or something more. I'm still waffling as you said.

[rubykitten]

The ER ran bunches of different tests and came up with the same conclusion my gastroenterologist guessed at, it's just reflux. I was hoping that my gallbladder may have caused this problem, but not the case. So now I have to continue with medication and a diet that is just not working. Feeling hopeless...

[sammie]

rubykitten I'm sorry there isn't a better solution for you. Does your doctor have an explanation for why the current medication/diet doesn't seem to be helping? Does it just take more time?

[rubykitten]

Aug 16, 2016 2:42:35 GMT -5 sammie said:

rubykitten I'm sorry there isn't a better solution for you. Does your doctor have an explanation for why the current medication/diet doesn't seem to be helping? Does it just take more time?

I'm getting very few answers right now besides deal with the pain and suck it up. A lot of "your body has been trashed by pregnancy. Too bad, so sad" Well the pain is unendurable to the point I'm rapidly losing weight and I'm trying to feed a baby, so.... I'm working on trying to find a doctor that listens to me and is willing to work with my unique situation. At least the ER gave me a prescription lidocaine to numb my esophagus. Even though that does nothing to solve the actual problem, at least I have some relief.

[sammie]

rubykitten that sounds incredibly frustrating. I'm glad you're looking for another doctor.

[rubykitten]

Aug 16, 2016 10:09:55 GMT -5 abbeyd said:

rubykitten I've been having a lot of issues too and I saw my GI last week. An ultrasound had already ruled out gall stones and we have an endoscopy scheduled. He said that there is another test HIDA scan that can look at the gall bladder. You may not have stones but it can be squeezing incorrectly? Has your GI mentioned any further testing for that?

It is miserable being sick with no answers or treatment. I hope you find some relief soon.

My gi is a dummy I think. I'm going to a different doctor tomorrow. I've had the endoscopy which shows inflammation and the ultrasound but I'll ask about the hida tomorrow. I hope you feel better! This sucks

[wineallthetime]

Aug 16, 2016 2:53:13 GMT -5 adelbert said:

I would encourage everyone to look into therapy or talking to your Dr if you are thinking about it. A good therapist will help you not make you feel silly for seeking help.

Not to say that what everyone is feeling isn't normal especially with some of the stressful situations people are in but depression and anxiety can make life so much harder to deal with and it isn't always clear to people suffering from it that they have it.

Big hugs to you all.

All of this. I waited too long this time around thinking things would just get better. I finally went into my PCP and I've never felt a weight lifted off my shoulders like I did walking out of there. I kept thinking it was normal and I was just tired/hormonal/adjusting/ect. I realized that I needed to be my best self and seek help before things got worse.

While I did end up on meds, talking to someone doesn't mean it's a big drastic thing. You don't have to end up on meds, just talking about it can help so much.

[renbee]

Well I'm pretty sure I'm finally getting my first pp period, so maybe that explains why I have been feeling more emotional the last week or two...

[scotty138]

Can I bump this? How is everyone doing? I hope everyone is seeing some improvement.

I feel like things are getting harder. It would be easier if I could explain my feelings to the people around me. DH has been understanding, but it is still overwhelming. I have been grinding my teeth and DH catches me doing it throughout the day. I'm hoping I can catch myself and maybe my migraines will lessen. I would love to seek counseling, but DH is crazy busy with work and I have to wait a bit to fit it into our schedule. I think marriage counseling would be beneficial too. I'm disappointed to find so little online about self help for PPD. Sorry for the long rambling.

[scotty138]

Sept 2, 2016 9:29:14 GMT -5 heartbot said:

I'm sorry, scotty138. Is there any chance your husband could take a step back a bit from work so you could see a counselor once a week?

His career is really taking off right now. I'm proud of him and it is what our family needs, so right now I feel like we have to ride it out. We live 2 hours away from his office. When he got the job he worked 100% from home. Right now they have him running training sessions 3 days a week in office and he is going to San Francisco for a conference in Oct. Eventually it will settle down. If not, we will have to move closer to his work.

[scotty138]

Sept 2, 2016 0:09:49 GMT -5 @pennygirl2013 said:

((scotty138)) I searched a lot online when I wasn't sure if I was suffer from PPD/PPA. The best site I found was :http://www.postpartumprogress.com/ppd-support-groups-in-the-u-s-canada

I feel irrationally mad at DH a lot of times. I get really defensive over small things which isn't like me.

I will look into this site. Thank you!

[MissMusic]

I absolutely need to see a therapist, but most days I feel like its one more thing on my already overloaded list, and that gives me anxiety.

I feel like I've bonded more with the baby, but there is definitely still a mile-wide gap between us.

We've seen a gastro specialist with unsatisfactory results, and right now the pedi thinks its "purple crying", which will eventually work itself out. We are still in the midst of awfulness most days, and no sleep.

The baby finally started smiling and making cooing sounds around 3m, which has helped. I'm still really struggling. I read this board but I don't post much because I'm very good at keeping things at arm's length, even when it might help. Someone made a comment to me here before that I should be happy with a baby period and realize that the baby I got isn't the baby I wanted, and move on with my life--I'm paraphrasing here. I think I've let Internet comments get to me 2 times in my life, and that was one of those times. It sent me into such a terrible state that DH told me he was calling my doc in the morning.

I just want to say, I wish things were different, but not because I don't love my baby--I really, really do. Its because I want to love my baby with less stress, I guess. Its that gap that I can't seem to overcome. Its the sadness. Maybe thats selfish, I don't know.

I also don't want to be medicated, and I'm afraid if I see a shrink they will push drugs on me. Its been rough.

[scotty138]

MissMusic your first and last paragraphs are exactly how I feel. I hope you are able to find something that helps, therapy or otherwise.

[sammie]

My OBGYN gave me a prescription for Paxil. I was really "excited" to start taking it because I hate being this anxious all the time. Although he had me clear it with the pedi for breastfeeding reasons, there was a big fat "do not use while breastfeeding" label on the bottle when I picked it up. The pharmacist was pretty useless. Now I'm freaked and probably won't take it, even though it seems ok based on what the doctors said and my research.

[sammie]

MissMusic I also feel like seeing a therapist would be the best thing for me but I'm not sure how that would work logistically right now. And I'm sorry those comments made you feel that way. (((Hugs)))

[renbee]

MissMusic I don't know who said that to you but that is a really shitty comment. You have had a rough go and you are totally entitled to feel all your feelings. I think what you're feeling is completely normal and warranted. I hope things get better for you very soon. ((Hugs))

[oreille]

I'm so glad this thread is revived, and that I'm not alone.

I've had pain in my wrist (right wrist--I'm left handed) since my baby was born.  He's 4 months old today.  Before that, I had a month and a half of carpal tunnel in BOTH wrists at the end of the pregnancy.  At any rate, I went to the doctor last week about it, because the pain now radiates into my elbow and shoulder too.  She told me it's tendonitis (kind of in the joint where your thumb meets your wrist?).  Her treatment plan was intense--ibuprofen and flexeril multiple times a day, go get physical therapy, make an appt with the "hand guy" to get cortisone shots.

I made the appt with the specialist, but I'll likely cancel it.  I don't want shots in my wrist.  I didn't make the appt with the physical therapist, either, because it just feels like "one more thing" to my already packed to-do list, and it's not like I'll be able to take time off work for physical therapy appts anyway.

Flexeril seems to be helping, but after three days of taking it I noticed a pattern--the side effects (for me, anyway) are depression and dizzy/lightheadedness.  Such a nice combination with my already-present PPD/PPA.  Even calling the doctor to see if there is another muscle relaxer I could take that doesn't have those side effects seems like too much work.

[None]

@pennygirl2013, hugs

[None]

Being at pedi office all time has triggered some issues for me.
That topped with the sleep deprovation isnt a combo.
I worry about tubs often. My H doesnt understand and they makes me feel more disconnected with him.

I start my birth story retreat with a doula tomorrow. Hopefuly it helps.

[okiemama]

Hugs all around. So sorry so many are having a rough time, but also grateful we have this sounding board to share with one another.

I've felt weird. Numb almost. I feel so tired and foggy that I can't spend any time having complete thoughts or even knowing what my feelings are. My baby sleeps ok too, so I don't feel like I should be this tired. I've taken pregnancy tests because of my exhaustion, all negative. I get so angry so easily but any other emotion is hard to muster up. I hate that I lash out at my older kids- I feel like they've been terrrrible lately. I *think* they actually have, but I can't even trust my judgement for sure these days: do I just think they're terrible because I feel less equipped to handle their normal level of difficulty?

I haven't mentioned it here but I've been dealing with a lot of physical issues myself. I had a staph infection in my perineal stitches right after birth and now after having 3 babies in 4 years (avg 9lbs each) my bladder is legit falling out. I noticed it almost two months ago after doing some cardio and carrying sleeping DS1 through the house. Thought I was about to pass a huge clot (I had not been and wasn't bleeding) and it was a bulge of tissue. So I've been dealing with that. Gyno said do kegels and stop lifting/working out/jumping so now between eating my feelings and trying not to lose my milk supply I've gained close to 10 lbs (on top of what I need to lose).

Seeing a pelvic floor specialist later this month and will do pelvic PT (which should be interesting). It's isolating and weird to talk about, my mom and sister had small babies and never anything like this. My mom was like "I knew an old lady one time who had that", great, thanks, that's helpful. Idk I feel gross and sad and I want to work out and I can't, sex is painful and I feel bad for DH. All this isn't helping my already iffy moods. But I agree with others, therapy would be just another thing to schedule and juggle. I just feel like nobody IRL can relate or understand so I keep everything to myself.

Dr prescribed me estrogen cream but I haven't used it yet- it's supposed to hurt milk supply and DS is continually dropping curves.

DS1 starts preschool this week and I have been in denial, not sad at all. I feel like once I let myself cry I'm afraid I won't stop.
I tell myself I have it good, I should be happy, my house doesn't have to be perfect, I don't have to fit back in my prepregnancy jeans...but when I tell myself that I can feel myself call bullcrap, I do care. I'm a perfectionist to the core. I wish I wasn't but I can't help it. Those things eat away at me, I constantly feel like I'm failing at life.
I've spent some time around people this weekend and I feel a little better. I asked a friend if she ever experienced prolapse issues and even though she hadn't she was understanding and honest about the issues she did have. I feel like I need more of that in my life.

Anyway, that's where I've been and where I am.

[sammie]

okiemama I'm so sorry you are going through all of that. That is definitely a lot to handle - additional medical issues I can't even imagine.

I'm guessing a lot of us here are perfectionists. It's so hard to let certain things go, I get you.

Please take it easy on yourself as much as you can right now. It's been hard for me to accept that at this moment I just can't be as fit as I used to be. I'm trying to think longer term on that one. I won't have a flat stomach or run a half marathon this summer but once I have a routine down with work and baby, get more sleep and get back running or whatever I can do, I will feel so much better. That's going to take a while but I'm really looking forward to it.

[sammie]

Thanks so much for that info @pennygirl2013!

[MissMusic]

Good juju for all the struggling ladies here. We are not alone!